My mother, age 79, moved to our property 11 years ago. We moved a manufactured home that she paid for next to us. I naively allowed this to happen and now have regrets and have become resentful as I feel trapped. While her care is somewhat minimal as she lives independently I can see the future and am very fearful. I am 54 and retired 3 years ago and my husband still works, we have two in college and one adult child who is fully independent. When my mother moved here she had lost her 2nd husband and just had hip surgery. Soon after moving to our property she had two knee replacements and two hip replacements. She has never gained a stable walk again always unsteady on her feet. She remarried after being here a few years and we were relieved but then he passed away unexpectedly2 years ago. She then stopped driving. I am very resentful of the 4 hours a week that I run her around or when other appointments come up. I can’t seem to change my feelings towards her and have such difficultly. She was recently diagnosed with a stress fracture to her ankle but can still get around. She is very resistant to assisted living that we can’t afford anyway as she makes to much with social security but not enough to pay a home care provider privately. I had convinced her to accept an assessment for home care services who denied her based on her income. The after being denied home care she asked the doctor for a referral for services because she says her insurance will pay for it but I am skeptical. The referral for physical therapy was approved but not sure she can do much with a stress fracture. I forgot to mention I started working part time just to escape my own brain being consumed by her. Physically with regards to mobility she is not good but manages and internally all her blood work is excellent she only taking celebrex for arthritis which seems to be in all joints. So in summary I feel bad as I don’t do a lot as I have set boundaries —she gets one afternoon a week —but I feel trapped and don’t want to even do that afternoon a week. I don’t see any way out and my husband remains supportive. Also she has no additional support it’s just me. She has life alert and we do leave for a few days at a time as we have an rv. However we know we can’t leave for extended periods of time like we would like too. I feel selfish and guilty all the time. Additionally I don’t have the best childhood history, my history of neglect and her narcissism is very challenging. The positive is she hasn’t become negative towards me and she is always thanking me.
Some assisted living places have a plan where a person like your mom can stay for a month if the caregiver is traveling or needs a break. Maybe she would love it and see it as vacation with people waiting on her?
I know she paid for the manufactured home that she lives in on your property. Could it be sold to help pay her expenses if she moved to assisted living?
What is your goal or ideal outcome other than her being magically out of the picture? Could you explain you and your husband want to spend your retirement driving around the country in your RV for a year and then maybe resettle near one of your grown kids? And that she will need to be in a more supportive setting when that happens? That she has gotten what she wanted /needed these 11 years with your help, and soon it will be time for you to have the same for yourselves?
it’s good she is willing to do PT. I wish my mom would.
Good luck. I feel for you.
If you decide to go away, it means that the living arrangements need to be reconsidered and altered accordingly. YOU can make this happen.
My 97-yr old Mom is on Medicare and has BCBS supplemental gap insurance. Her Internist ordered in-home PT and OT. See if your Mom's primary care doc can do this so you don't have to take her to appointments.
I think the above quote from your post is key. You don’t mention what your childhood neglect looked like, but I can imagine some scenarios (maybe involving boyfriends, stepfathers?) and it would certainly make me not feel super enthusiastic about arranging my life even only if minimally right now around that person. And it’s great that she’s positive now and thanking you, it truly is, but it can’t make up for her having blighted your childhood, to be blunt.
Some ideas: what if you made the 4-hour driving day every other week? What if you started looking at senior housing for her, and charged her rent so her income would be lower so she might qualify for more things as another person mentioned doing? What if you basically treated her like an older woman who was a renter on your property— respectfully and pleasantly of course but with firm boundaries and assistance to help her find help rather than *being* the help, as one of our regulars here often says?
And if and when her care requires more than the 4 hours per week you just make sure that she hires any additional help she may need with her money and not
yours.
And when you and your husband want to go on a long RV trip by yourselves you just make sure that your mom has all the emergency numbers should she need them and if needed hires someone to check on her occasionally. Again with her money not yours.
If and when your mom requires long term care in a facility or at home it will be her money that pays for it not yours as you and your husband will need your money for your own future. And there's always Medicaid when her money starts to run low.
I guess I'm just having a hard time understanding why your brain is being "consumed" by your mom when you only spend one afternoon a week with her. Maybe I'm missing something here, and maybe you're just not cut out to be any kind of a caregiver even for just 4 hours. I don't know, but what I do know is that we're not hearing the whole story here.
You have given her 1 day a week, personally I think 1 day a week is a great boundary that you have set. But if I am reading your post correctly you are now regretting that 1 day a week.
By the way you mention "she is resistant to Assisted living that WE can't afford anyway" YOU and or your husband do NOT pay for her living expenses she is to pay for her living expenses.
By the way if she is not paying "rent" for the property and if she is not paying other expenses if she were to pay her expenses would that result in allowing her to qualify for Home Care. (although from what you have said I do not know what Home Care would or could do for her) And if she says her insurance will cover care whay do you doubt it? Let them asses and let the insurance do what it does.
Maybe it is time to look into Senior Housing for mom. She would be with others. Some senior housing have "perks" that are not truly a part of the rent but often (at least one of the ones I am familiar with near me) has a rep from a food pantry stop by 1 time a week and drop off items. They sometimes have a drop off of day old bakery items from a local sandwich shop. And all the residents tend to look out for one another.
Is there a particular reason mom stopped driving? Is she safe to drive? If so that would negate the necessity of you having to give up 4 hours of your week to drive her around.
More PT should help her mobility once the stress fracture heals but even doing PT while it heals is possible.
Now I am going to be brutally honest and you might want to stop reading here...
You are lucky that you are not a full time caregiver for your mom.
From what you have written she does not seem to be overly demanding. She is independent save for the fact that she no longer drives. (by her choice) There are Ride Share choices. There are delivery options for shopping. If she is cognizant she does not need your assistance for doctor appointment.
I think you should be thankful at this point for what you have.
If you truly want to wash your hands of this Legally evict her from your property. She can take her manufactured home with her and find a place or you can purchase if from her.
Also you stated that you and your husband leave only for a few days but you would like to go on longer trips away. What is stopping you? If mom NEEDS help she can hire a caregiver for a few hours a week while you are gone, that is all you give her when you are there.