Grief and triggers. Can anyone relate?
Recently my late niece's husband died. He was in his late 60's, very fit, ran marathons, cycled, hiked, grew vegetables, and ate healthy food. My niece took her own life about 5 years ago. D, the husband, became ill about a year ago. I don't know the details, but his illness took him. I grieve his passing. He was a great support to my niece.
Grief for him triggered grief for my niece. Her mother, my sis, has some kind of personality disorder and their relationship was not healthy. Grief for my niece (both for her death and for the pain and problems she had in her life) triggered grief for the fractured family I had. Even more so, grief for my late youngest son who was friends with my niece. All this is mixed up with the feelings that are coming due to me moving from the home, the house, and the community that I have lived in more than half my life. And moving away from my family here where it is a 5 minute drive to see my dd and family and a 20 min drive to see my middle son.
My point here is that grief is complex and that there are triggers in life to past losses. To survive we have to feel the pain and work through it. Can anyone relate?
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Glad your dad went so quickly. Its what we all hope for.
I will be 6 hrs drive from dd when I am down there. We are both introverts, do well texting and phoning, and they will make some trips south to visit dgd and me. I am OK with that. It's for a season. I am blessed that so many of us will be in the same area within the next few years. I didn't expect it.
How long/how far will you be from family now? How far. My DD just was here with hubby and we were sitting on bed chatting and saying how hard not just to be able to chat. Phone, texts, emails not the same as a lazy afternoon chat in the sun with your feet up.
The move now is complicated by R's recent diagnosis of prostate cancer, his impending knee reconstruction and the issues we have had installing new flooring in the condo. He went to two appointments last week to no avail. The dr was called away so he hasn't met with him yet. We are praying for success on this next one. The dr said to the nurse he is not critical so I am assuming early stage. He meets with the dr hopefully Mar 1 to discuss options. Then R has to come up here to finish repairs so I can get this house on the market. When the flooring is done at the condo and he is not in the middle of some treatment but before his knee surgery we will arrange the move. He has to be able to lift as some stuff is going into storage for the planned workshop. I am pretty well ready for the move.
It all feels rather convoluted right now but - one step at a time. Being in limbo is stressful but I am getting used to it. R is a last minute kind of person. He has boundless energy and I have to remind him I cannot move down one week and look after him post surgery the next week. Moving down will probably knock me out for a while - CFS/FM and all that. Oh, well. It will happen eventually.
This grief was triggered by the passing of my late niece's husband. For me one loss will usually trigger the memory of others. I have had tons of loss in my life so it isn't hard for my brain to make those connections. The loss of my youngest son was beyond painful and can be more easily triggered than other losses. His memory is associated much with this house. That is not a reason to stay here, but it does bring some pain leaving those tangibles behind even this many years later.
I never planned to stay here for the rest of my life. It's too far north, too cold, the house is too big, and the city doesn't have as good resources as larger cities further south. As I age (I'm 85 now) it is likely I will need more resources so I want to be closer to them. It will make life easier.
My oldest son and his gal are planning to move near to where I am moving. I have two grandchildren in that city. And, as it has turned out in the last few months since I posted first, my dd and hub will move there within the next year or so and my second grandson probably too. That leaves only my middle son and wife here and they will be welcome to visit whenever they want to.
I am absolutely moving TO something - my newly purchased condo and my sig other (R), who has been there by necessity the past few years. The condo is in the town where I stayed when our city was evacuated due to the forest fire so it feels safe to me and I know my way around. R who knows the area very well, and I started thinking about the eventual move then and looking for places..
In addition I have a lot in a summer village not far away that we want to develop starting with a little gardening and setting up a workshop for R. I have already made connection with the CFS/ME Association there and will get involved with them in time.
Thanks to face book I found I have an old teaching colleague not far away - we plan to have coffee - and at least one person I knew many years ago is in the city. I had more but they have passed over the years. I am expecting to make some friends or at least meet friendly people in the condo. R has found that people are helpful there and it is a sort of community in itself. I will miss sitting in my living room and looking at the trees, but the condo looks out over farmer's fields and trees, which is not a bad trade off and lot has lots of trees.
My two oldest kids and my grand kids are looking forward to family get togethers in the future. I think I am going to splurge and take everyone to the dinner theatre that R and I love as a celebration once we all are there.
I won't be as close the family there as I am here. The kids and grandkids will be in the city, and the condo is in a small town about 1/2 hr. drive away, but that's not bad. I am looking forward to having a smaller place to look after and being together with R again.
I am sorry you are facing the end of your mother's life. It is a difficult and painful time, yet also can bring relief. It's hard to see them become a shell of the person that they were. It's hard to see them suffering, in pain, in confusion...
Let us know how she is and how you are through this last phase. At the end my mother was at peace which was a blessing.
Grief is indeed a complex process and can be triggered by the smallest things. Loving others is certainly painful as well as joyous. My heart goes out to you--you are definitely not alone.
Holidays and other special days are triggers -the empty chair, the memories of past times, the hole left when you don't have that LO to buy a gift for, or provide for their favourite dishes. You have to make new memories without them to keep life moving forward.
I think that when people have very little interaction with their parent or extended family it is easier to move on; if you rarely even think of them then you aren't going to have the great gaping hole in your life the way you would if you spend time or at least speak together often. I suppose that's why holidays and certain other things/events can trigger unexpected grief, you're suddenly conscious and aware of the loss.
I didn't grieve mother much when she passed but I had grieved the loss of a nurturing mother all my life. But I did and do grieve her a little and still feel the loss of my father sometimes. He was my nurturing parent. I will have a few reminders of her and my father in my new home.
I understand the lady who lost her dd. Losing a child brings grief beyond all experience of losing others. Yes, there are always triggers for me too, even after 20 years.
Look after yourself, midkid. The grief journey is an emotional rollercoaster. I totally identify with one day OK and the next day blue, and "grief bursts with tears" every now and then. It takes energy. Be sure to get enough rest, fluids, a little exercise, a little socialization, and a little distraction is good too.
Very few people can handle a death and show almost no emotion and go right back to their lives as if nothing had happened and it's business as usual.
My OS is this way. we lost mom 7 weeks ago. My OS seems to be completely "over it" in that she has moved on with her life after taking a few hours over the course of the week following mom's death and her funeral.
She acts as if NOTHING happened. She doesn't 'get' that for me, this is proving to be a painful and difficult thing to grieve. I'm OK one day and then the next I am blue and sad and struggling to adapt. Mom and I were not close, but that doesn't make a difference, really.
Mom was 92, her death was a blessing and she outlived her 'joy' and 'usefulness' by many years. Nevertheless, I am triggered by a song I hear, something I'll read, something I'll hear and then think "oh, I should tell mom'.
My family is also rapidly fracturing. The financials are done and YB says he's ready to disburse the inheritances. I suggested maybe we get together to do that, just dinner or dessert out somewhere and nobody wanted to do that.
Everyone is so very different. I think we need to treat anyone who has lost someone they loved with great kindness--my OS was downright rude to me the other day. THAT triggered a little cry-fest.
Honestly, I think my OS has some kind of personality disorder. She is so cold and handles every problem by throwing money at it.
You're right. There will be triggers for grief, and some will never 'go away'. I knew a woman who lost a child (my little friend!) and the mom could not hear a certain church hymn for the next 55 years without falling apart. The music people in her church just knew to never plan to sing that song.
When SHE passed, they sang that song at her funeral. It was fitting and beautiful. But 55 years? That trigger never abated.