Hi AC Forum,
I feel like I run the gamut of emotions on a weekly basis. I think that is a difficult side of this caregiving. Not being able to fully satisfy - or not being able to satisfy for what should be a normnal period of time. And on the same token know that each day you go down this path you just running to the finish line.
It's the craziest and horrible life as I am not able to live my life, yet I have a hard time thinking of my mom living with less. Also not being the face of which she says to at first seeing her and asking her how she is, "Better now that I see you!" Knowing that you are the comfort in their sight. Yet what it takes from one feels enormous - emotionally, monetarily, physically.
How are you doing?
LastOne
I really miss my freedom. It didn't take much for me, but it was important. He hates for me to leave him, even though he can walk some with his walker. We recently moved into a retirement community and there is so much to do here, but I feel trapped. Also I hate feeling guilty when I do want to get out for awhile. I want so much to enjoy my last years. I feel that I actually lost him years ago.
Hope I am learning what to do and not to do when I become unable. I pray my mind will stay sharp. I never want to make my son feel guilty or that he must take care of me.
I'm trying so hard to be content in whatever circumstances I find myself.
God Bless!
I started hiring someone to assist my family when I was in the hospital. After that, because of back trouble I decided to continue hiring someone to help me clean house 1-2 times a month and keep up my yard, both of which I have always done by myself. I adjusted my budget to accommodate that at least for a little while longer until my back allows me to return to doing these things myself.
I always have people offering to help me. That is the one thing I don't do so well is accepting help, unless I can pay them for their assistance. I have been told over and over that I need to accept offers for help, as it is something others really want to do for me. I am still working on that.
My husband attends 2 memory care activity groups each week that are 4 hours long each. I also attend a support group once a month that is very helpful and supportive. I recommend it! It's a chance to share my situation and hear how others deal with coming issues. In addition, I attend online and in person training sessions throughout the year. These have provided me with a toolkit full of resources to use if needed in the future and I keep a file with this info in case I need it.
These are the things I do to keep grounded. About once I month, I have a meltdown when the responsibility of caregiving for my husband and Dad take their toll. But I'm usually back up and running in a short time. I am grateful to be able to care for my guys and am thankful for each new day when I can rejuvenate and take on the challenges of the day!
Our county Dept on Aging was very helpful. Sent social worker to explain things. In no way is this an easy journey. Keep us all posted - you are not alone .
There HAS to be a light at the end of the tunnel for you. There HAS to be some form of relief for you. If not, then I think you should lock yourself in the bathroom or your car as often as you need to throughout the day.
I believe you when you say he works at catching you at something and at sneaking something but does that mean he’s lucid at those times?
It doesn't Matter if he is lucid sometimes because you already know he can’t be reasoned with.
Surely, you don’t have to remain captive if he gets physically abusive. If you become afraid for your life there’s got to be somewhere to report him. Or if you fear what you might do in anger and frustration, also.
Whatever else you do, keep on top of your legal problems so you have that done and prepare for the next hurdle.
In the meantime, try to anticipate what might happen next so you can be ready for it. And try to get some rest in the daytime too.
I know, it’s all too much to keep up with.
This will sound silly, I know, but can you get some headphones to play music for just you? It can help to keep in a cocoon of your own. Just look at any teenager and see how they’re not here with the living sometimes. My thoughts are with you-if I could I would swoop down to save you. No one should have to go thru this and be made to feel this way.
Charlotte
Have you given any thought to having your husband admitted to a skilled nursing facility - specifically one with a Memory Care Unit? MC units are for AD patients with mid to advanced stages of the disease. He would have round the clock care from professionals and you would be able to visit him and then go back to your home for nice long respites between visits. I have not read all of the posts here but I'm sure someone else has suggested this already.
Mom has depression and is too feeble to take a mood elevator. She has gone from not good eyesight to almost complete blindness at times in the last 2 years. She's very hard of hearing so there is a lot of repetition. I've been here 21 months now. I took 4 days off a year ago last April.
Yes, I think about wishing the present time away, and how it will end. I wouldn't want to live like she does. Constant negativity.
"The only constant is change."
I have to recall that his short term memory is not there.
But at least he is pleasant about it, unless of course I forget and ask him "Don't you remember what I told you?"
That is the hardest thing for me now. He is more pleasant but they of course couldn't fix the brain. But it is going a bit better.
I still feel like trips to town are short breaths of fresh air and feel a bit guilty for scheduling fun stuff for me to do.
But I always offer to bring him with.
Still struggling with my MIL and trying to get things straightened out with her. Hubby gets jealous when I go spend time with his mom.
I find that a bit weird.
She has ALZ and is under the care of a Guardian now since my husband was her DPOA and couldn't do it due to his Vascular Dementia.
Oh what a wicked world we live in.
I have a large family but they are all busy. Two of my sisters live close so we help each other out. It is hard though when I pretty much have to do everything, inside and out. We have been struggling with the riding mower this afternoon and I am beat.
I'm thinking you were born in 1953 and so was I. I am active at church and my husband tries to come on Sundays. If you can get your hands on a copy of Mature Living it has some really good articles in the October edition. It comes from Lifeway and our church gets them for us.
Grace and mercy to you as you continue your journey.
His mercies are new every morning....
I have realized it is better for me to keep quiet when I am running out of patience. If Mom asks me why I am being so quiet ... I tell her that I am feeling tired and need to take a rest pretty soon. She understands tired. Sometimes I go in the bathroom and close the door and sit there...I learned this at a caregivers workshop,,,the teacher told us to make use of the "Rest" Room...just to take a few minutes when we needed to.
I have been remembering how it was being a new mother decades ago- how I felt myself being stretched almost - in - two - as a parent.
Mom had an insight one day that really helped me a lot. She told me that when she would say WE need to do such and such,
that she had felt we were doing things together ---but then she realized I am really the only one who is doing things .... My dear mother, I love her so much.
I do like CharK60's suggestion about headphones. I often have one ear bud in (in the ear furthest from Mom) and that lets me listen to music, or watch my own movie on my phone while sitting beside her "watching" her movie. Having only one ear bud in means I can still hear and respond to my Mom - even to changes in her breathing.
Hang in there. This too shall pass, even though it feels so often like this is all I'll ever be.