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Dee2015 It's amazing what you are doing and God bless you for it. You mentioned that your brother qualifies for a care a facility? Even though your mom doesn't want to part with him, maybe its for the best that he go into the facility. It would take some off your shoulders and you can continue to love him by advocating for him and visiting him. I see the qualification as a blessing that you may be turning away. Many people have the belief that having professionals taking care of family members is the same as betrayal. I don't believe that if we continue to watch over them by visiting and asking lots of questions (about quality of their care) while they are in care. It doesn't make sense to stress yourself into an early grave. It won't help anyone. Just my two cents.
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how are you doing now? How is mom? I’m in same boat too. Hugs 🤗
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Even though my Caregiving time has ended for now the memories will never fade. While I am left with so many beautiful memories of Caring for my Mother Who had alzheimer's I can not disagree with any thing You have written in Your Post. Apart from having no Free Time for You since You are hands on 24/7, it's the fear of burn out that really does petrify You knowing that if You crash and hit the canvas there is no One willing to take Your place hence there is no other option open but a Nursing Care Home for Ones love one which they definitely would never opt for them Selves. Families should support the Care giver 110% but they very rarely do as its all take and no give. The bond and the trust Our love ones have shown Us Carers is a beautiful thing, and We would never disappoint them or fail them. Mom used say to me "John" God forbid if any thing happened to You I would be completely finished as I would have no one to take Care of Me, wouldn't that just melt Your Heart ? My Mom was a strong and beautiful kind Woman and I really do miss Her an awful lot and looking back now I can only thank God for the great days that We had. Rest In Peace.
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What a great satisfaction you must feel in your heart knowing that you were really there for your mom all along, and that she acknowledged and valued YOU and your love and dedication!!
I hope that truth shines bright enough to bring light, consolation and peace to your heart.
I’m sure she is very grateful and very proud John. May she Rest In Peace!
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I have felt the same way; at times I still do. I had a lot of resentment having to give up my home, my peaceful life with my BF, and my goals & dreams just to take care of someone who really didn't take care of me. And like you I thought my mother's craziness was going to take me with her. So I get it!

My Bishop was talking one day about we have a choice of having peace & joy. My first thought was that easy for him (my bishop) to say because he wasn't dealing with what I was dealing with.

But here is the thing: whether you believe in God or not we do have a choice on how we perceive our situation. We can look at it through eyes of resentment, disappointment, and hopelessness, or we can choose to say to ourselves, yes this sucks, but I am going to take back my life. Was it hard, yes! But I am choosing to let go of the resentment a little bit everyday and disappointment because it doesn't hurt my mother but it was killing me! I also choose to have hope that some how this will work for my good. I decide to have joy and peace everyday even if it is for 2 minutes a day. And when I started doing this my peace and joy started lasting longer. Does it work every day "no", but I try everyday. I refuses to live a life that is running over me! I refuse to give up on my goals and dreams. I have no idea how I am going to do it, I'll I know if I give up on myself I'll be the one paying the price.

Just last week I was given a big blow to my life that made me feel so deflated & disheartened. And I still have not figure out a solution. But I am working on it, alwhile trying to keep my peace and joy. How? I do things I love to do like watching a great movie, reading, cooking a great meal, playing with one of my cats, writing, or talking to friend about the crazy things our pets do, and therapy helps. Joy and peace sometime comes in the little things we do!

I really hope this helps you find your way to have some peace and joy that you deserve, that we all deserve for giving up so much.

May God open your heart and lets you find His peace, joy, and His love into your heart in Jesus' name. Amen
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I have been taking care of my mother for 21 years, daily for 17 years and 24/7 for the past 4 1/2 years. She hasn't acknowledged me as her son for 4 1/2 years when she had a massive stroke. She is 92. At this point she needs help with everything; she has severely limited physical ability, mental/cognitive ability, she is deaf and today it seems she has lost much of her vision. She is in bed all the time, except when I take her to the bathroom. I have to sit her up in bed, stand her up, and hold her so she won't fall over. I don't know how much longer she can last in this condition.
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I know exactly what you mean. If one more person tells me that I need to get help I will scream. I have been begging for help for four years now. We have no extra money to pay for this so called help and if I really want it I have to pay for it. I never wanted to feel this way towards my mom. I know it is not her fault but I work all day and then go home to take care of my mom. Don't even think she knows who I am anymore. She wakes up all night long and stands in front of my door coughing so that i wake up....I HAVE TO GET UP IN AN HOUR!!!! Nothing helps everyone is into themselves and as long as I am there they just don't give a damn. When I moved in four years ago, my husband had just died of cancer and I thought it would be good for both of us but my mom didn't remember I was grieving she just kept repeating and forgetting and before I knew it no one was coming over to visit anymore and it was just me and the cats and MOM. Please don't get me wrong I love my mom but I am starting to really feel I can't take it anymore. So no you are not going to get any rude comments from me, I can totally relate....
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Not well - my mother is constipated and two enemas didn't help; my dad angrily informed me today that he's tired of me ignoring him (seriously??) and my blood pressure is so high I'm shaking all over.  I keep going - but this superwoman is ready to crash.  Cope?  I need help.
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There is only one immediate answer, stop for a moment, breathe, -really breathe-. Go to your room or anywhere you can be by yourself, in peace for a while. Calm down, and disconnect from your obligations. Even if for half hour, but you need that. And I would suggest that you do this everyday, at least three times a day. That will be like oxygen for you to prevent you from getting to this situations where your physical health is at danger, remember that blood pressure is a silent tremendous danger.
I don’t want to get into the can you place your parents in an outside care facility, look for help, hire someone, etc, etc. I think you need to focus on your immediate situation. Once you’re more calmed, feeling better physically, feeling lighter emotionally, you won’t feel like you are ready to crash. You will see!
Sending positive thoughts and good energy your way!
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You deserve sainthood. I thought my day with my mother was difficult. I can't imagine how you have survived. I hope you have a life back one day as this quality of hers feels to have reached a doomed state.
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Burnt out, trapped, no help from family, angry and siblings, no life, 28 years is too much for anyone, but family figures I was disabled I had plenty of time to take care of folks while they have a life, something I never had a chance at
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Mom has been getting more frail and weak in the past few weeks; harder to get up to go to the bathroom and sleeping longer. She has also been harder to communicate with. This morning when she woke up her speech was totally deteriorated and she had a droop on 1 side of her face. I called an ambulance and got her to the ER. She had a stroke overnight. She is in the hospital now in really bad shape. She had a stroke in April 2014 and a massive stroke in July 2014. The April stroke didn't have a huge effect except she was easily fatigued. In July 2014 she had brain damage. This is when she no longer knew I was her son and she didn't even know she was in her own house. Tomorrow they are going to run tests and have therapist evaluations. I just have to wait and see how she does. It doesn't look good.
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So sorry John. I will definitely be praying for you and your Mom. That is rough. You are a good son.
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Sorry this happened. I hope you are able to rest & recuperate so you're clear headed to speak to all the professionals tomorrow. You've kept your mom well & safe for so long, it's something to admire.
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I am sorry that you have had to give up so much. That you were put in an unfair position.

I pray that God gives you back everything that you had to give up and I pray that He makes it up to you. He is a JUST God in the name of Jesus. Amen
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Tomorrow they will have the results of the MRI and other testing and therapists evaluations. Technically, her life is over. There is no coming back from this. I spoke to her 103 year-old brother this evening. He even said that it would be better if she passed away. It is true. She will never have any even semi-normal functions again, but they will try to make as much money from her as they can in the meantime. I know I have done all anyone could ever do. Hospital staff are dumbfounded that I could take care of her by myself for that long.
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I have so much trouble with not trying to get Mom to learn things, basically to remember the things she needs to do. I know I shouldn't say "I just told you that" or "don't you remember?" I just have way too much trouble not going there. I really have to work on it, it's foolish to think she can remember or do what she is supposed to just because she is supposed to. Back to the books and youtube videos, I think. Thanks for the reminder, and the touching response. All of our stories and situations are different, but we really are all in this together.
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John: Praying for you.
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On Monday Mom seemed to be in almost a catatonic state. She stared into the room, couldn't hear, couldn't speak except she tried and only some unintelligible sounds came out. She couldn't swallow so they were feeding her through IV. It was very upsetting for me to see her like that. I believed she was finished. I was very wrong. When I went to see her today she was sleeping so I sat and waited. They woke her up and she was talking and even read some things off the white board. After a while I fed her some pudding and she had some thickened cranberry juice. I was in shock. I would never have believed such a recovery was possible. We talked for a while. She seemed to hear better than before the stroke. Later the occupational therapist came in. Mom was able to sit up and stand up and take 3 steps forward and then back to the bed and lay back down. I am just awestruck. I have an amazing Mom. I expect to eventually have her back home so she can bug me some more and I'll love it.
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Johnk- Hallelujah!! God is amazing! So happy you have some joy!!
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My mom was transferred to rehab today. Her insurance co. approved an initial 5 days. They are going to try to get her to eat and get more mobility. She didn't eat lunch at the hospital. When she got settled into her room they brought her some dinner. I fed her. She ate better than I've seen in a while. She is on pureed food and honey-thick liquids. I don't know what it was, green vegetable and brown meat, but she ate more than she usually does. She weighed in at 114. She was 135 a year ago. They are going to have her up every day. They don't want her to lay in bed. Should be interesting. She is not used to being up.
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Best wishes for you and your Mom. Maybe things are looking better. Praying for you.
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John,

These are the times when one can do nothing else but putting our loved one and our worry in God’s hands, which are truly the best hands to hold our life, present and future. Trust Him John! trust that He will provide exactly what you and your mom need.
May You find peace and comfort despite the trouble you are facing!

And Smeshque is absolutely right, you are a good son!
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Can totally relate to your happiness about going to the store. It is my alone time and people watching at the store reminds me there are other topics in life. Glad I am not crazy about being delirious to run an errand.
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Keep it simple with asking a family member to come over just for a few hours a week. It may be a commitment for them to pin themselves down and visit but if you ask in a smaller fashion, that may help. Anytime someone brings us a dinner, it is greatly appreciated by me.
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I am very sad and depressed today, if that is allowed. I am hoping for a good outcome for mom at rehab this week, but I have to keep my expectations realistic. After 2 decades of taking care of her I don't know if she has much left. I have decided that I will get a hospital bed for at home if I can get one ordered by either the facility or by her doctor. It will make it easier for her to sit up and eat. I often wonder when it is going to be my time to live. I have dedicated so many years of my life to mom I know there will be a big empty space when she is gone.
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I hope the best possible for you with the outcome. You should find comfort with the fact you have both travelled this ride together and did not succumb to negativity which is certainly understood in so many situations. You seem to be devoted. I think alot here wish for that but circumstances make it hard to achieve. I admire your efforts.
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It's an emotional roller coaster. Mom is in rehab following her 3rd stroke. She has shown signs of progress. Today she was talking better and she ate and drank good at lunch. Then later she did something that I can't say here, but it set me back. I really don't know what to think about life any more. I would never want to live like Mom is living.
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Hang in there John, praying for you.
You are an inspiration to us all, the way you have showed love and dedication to your Mom.
Thank you for being such a loving example.
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I really miss my old Mom. Any difficulty I was going through I could talk with her and she would make me feel like everything was going to be okay. Now I call her from my heart. It's a rough time. I had to cry today.
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