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our thoughts and prayers continue to be with you. I know it is rough in every way. Hang in there.
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John may God give you courage, strength and wisdom through this hard time. May He wrap you in His love and help you find peace and acceptance in your moms passing. Through Him you can do all things, you will be okay and find your way.
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I have been there, done that - four times. I hate to say this but it is the honest truth and it must be said. In most cases, I assume the caretaker loves the "patient" but if that patient has developed dementia, very bad behavior, hostile personality and all the rest that goes along with the aging decline, then the caretaker must consider some simple facts. Things are NOT going to get better, they will only get worse. Their presence and what is happening with them is affecting YOU and your FAMILY in a negative way, then you MUST find a way to deal with it - either you hire someone (very expensive) or you seek financial help (there are ways to do this) and place them into a home where they will be safe and cared for. You cannot allow them to destroy you and your family. They have lived their lives, they are no longer who they were and now it is YOUR turn. I know this makes some people feel guilty but it should not. YOU deserve the NOW. Do the best you can and take care of yourself or your guilt will turn into hatred and things will be even worse. Don't let this happen.
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I have a bit of good news that I want to share. My Alz mother who has been living with me 24/7 for over 2 years is going to move to an apartment with her younger sister (my aunt).

The apartment is within walking distance of my house. My aunt agrees to watch my mom when she's home. My aunt won't have to pay rent. I will go there at least twice a day to check on my mom and give her medication. My mom will still have her daily outing with me, and 2 times a week outings with a sitter. I will also have another sitter who will come and stay with my mom to keep her company a few days a week during the day. When no one watches her there, she will come to my place and hang out in her own room.

She won't be at my place 24/7. That will give me and my kids much needed breathing space. My kids are so stressed out by my mom, and so am I. Next week, my brother is going to come and help move her stuff. I hope and pray that this arrangement will work.

Both my brother and I will have to chip in more money to help. For my sanity and that of my kids, it's worth it. My husband is very patient and he doesn't mind my mom living with us, mostly because she doesn't bother him so he's unaffected.
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Polar Bear that is great. I hope that it works out well. Best wishes
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Hi PolarBear. That’s great.
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I deal with caregiver burnout too!!! Just know that you are not alone. I've put my life on hold to keep my Mom out of a nursing home. I've seen how overloaded nursing homes are. I just have to tell myself that one day Mom won't be around so I'm going to enjoy what time I have left with her!!!!
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I have lots of ideas, BUT, with so many previous responses, it is more then likely that what I think at this very moment has ALREADY been duly noted, argued, discussed and still the question goes on! I am a senior looking for somethiing new as a living and have tons of experiences as my background has dealt with these kinds of problems over and lover and over again for clients and family, going back to my own parents and grandparents and dealing with the new younger generation on this very difficult but VERY important topic.

This entry is not consistent with the spirit and intent of this particular thread, so I hereby give my permission for the sponsors here to DELETE this entry! It is, to be sure, only my view and self-serving, but the need is there. Don't overlook the significance of this entry.
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Your approach and attitude is TOTALLY CORRECT!
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My precious Mom passed away early this morning after being on hospice care for 2 weeks. Her last real meal was breakfast on Dec. 1. She ate and drank only a tiny bit each day since then. Yesterday she refused to have anything. She wouldn't open her mouth for morphine either. After the health aide left she went back to sleep. At midnight I saw her eyes were open. I asked her if she was thirsty. She said yes. Then she wouldn't open her mouth to take any water. She looked like she went back to sleep. After a while I realized that I didn't hear her breathing or any usual noises she made. I checked her breathing and pulse, then called for the hospice nurse. I said my last goodbyes and told her to save me a place in heaven.
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John- my sincere condolences for your loss. You are a good son. You mentioned in your previous post that you were felling depressed. I worry about you. Do you have any support to get through this difficult time?
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Dear John, no words will be appropriate or enough and an I’m sorry will sound empty, I know. But please keep in your heart and mind that you gave your mom the best gift a parent can receive: Your love.
And you lived your love for her and she felt it in her heart all up to the last breath she took! I hope that fills your heart with peace and eases your pain a little.
A hug sent your way!
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Taking care of ourselves IS the big challenge about caregiving. We need to keep looking for ways to do it though!

Agree, this forum is very helpful.
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One day at a time, that's right.

Nice that you could take care of her while on hospice. No one really "wants" to be in a NH, do they? I think that no matter how good a place is on paper, it is still an institution and there's only so much they can do. To provide the kind of care a person can get at home? Could you imagine how many people that would take? And we think NHs are expensive now?? It's just crazy.

I like your optimistic streak in finding the joy in the little things. Good reminder!
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So sad when people get mean and violent. I feel bad for anyone dealing with that very ugly side of elder care. If it's not something they've always done, then it's probably some level of dementia causing their poor behavior.

I hope that when it's disease related, it can make it somehow "easier" (NOT easy) to deal with since the LO isn't really responsible.

Hoping you get more good day and have those help you make it through the tougher ones.
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I hope you have found a way to deal with that resentment. It really stinks when other family members won't help. But, please, don't let it ruin your life. Somehow put it in perspective, which can include just shutting them out of your life and moving on, and put it behind you.
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Glad that you were able to find a good sitter. It's important to have a break. Not just for doing errands. But maybe just for some ME time.
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Taking care of hubby is more important than an immaculate home. Priorities!
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I wonder why it is so common that only ONE child will give any care to the ailing parent?

I hope you could up your time away from not to be ONLY for one wicked long day of work.

I guess I am one of the lucky ones - my mom currently spends a few days a month at my sister's house.
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You are so right that when we want to take care of someone, it is NOT what we thought it would be.
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Were you able to get some help during that difficult time? We all need a life in order to be able to stay healthy. First, for ourselves. Second, for our LO that we're caregiving.
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Hmm, I wonder if the lip service has to do with them being glad it's you not them in the hot seat?

Seems like the "that's so wonderful you can do that for your LO" is followed by something like "I could never do that!".
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Wow, that's a sad situation. Hearing all these similar stories makes me wonder about using home health care services to get a break from the constant caregiving? Most LOs don't seem to like it, but I'm starting to feel like "too bad". They'll be OK and the caregiver NEEDS a break.

Unless there's an actual emergency, you shouldn't have to miss things like your granddaughter's 2nd birthday party.
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I feel okay, thanks for asking.

"I am not able to live my life" in your OP isn't my outlook because I do live my life, although much of it has to do with Spouse. Calculation of time means that of 24 hours, 3 are spent in full interaction with him. About 2 are spent in housework that benefits us both, such as cooking. This is on days without dr. appts., where the percentage of us completely together is greater. It helps to logic one's way through this part of life, ha! I really like your phrase "you are the comfort in their sight."

My life contains things his does not, such as ability to get around without a scooter, lack of multiple dr. appts. monthly, lack of relying on smoking for pleasure, and I'm grateful for these aspects of existence. It's a heavy responsibility being a caregiver that I gave happily to my children and more grudgingly to Spouse. I enjoy daily numerous things that make me feel silly, and happy, and silly, thank God.
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I totally hear you on the "don't want to end up like her"! I tell my kids, I am learning from my mom's mistakes and taking good care of myself. Exercise, eat well and keep my weight down. I refuse to be passive about my health and well-being.

It's very frustrating to see our LOs do so very little to better their health, back when they could. Taking meds and sitting in front of the TV is not going to give you a healthy life, unless you're VERY lucky.
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Is that your situation? Sounds like it could be both easier and harder than taking care of a parent.
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Whew, sounds like a lot of fun. Not. That severe (IMHO) agitation and negativity? I am not a med fan BUT I would seriously talk to the doc about something to calm her down a few notches. She can't be happy being like that either, all agitated and angry.
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I'm new to this forum. I figured I could vent to people who are in the same boat I'm in. My mom always wants to know where I am. She CAN be left alone for short periods at a time. I had to get her CNA to stay with her for a few hours while I had my colonoscopy about 4 months ago. I go out after church some nights with friends and she hates ut. It's been hard to have a life because of her. My brother is no help at all. He visited her and did her laundry when she was in the nursing home but won't do anything else. My mom couldn't get off the double night ( she has mobility issues) and so I called my brother. He lives five minutes away but it took him 20 minutes to get here. He was mad. He said this was the first and last time he'd do this. He got my mom to the bathroom and left in a huff. He has me taking care of his three dogs and he goes off in his RV and I'm stuck home taking care of 3 dogs and my mom. I'm ready for some respite.
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She’s only 53 on a Medicaid waiver. I don’t know how I am going to do this when she REALLY needs me in 20 or 30 years. I’m already exhausted.
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It's a most helpful forum for venting and accurate information about so many topics; I hear you about the 'wanting to know where you are 24/7' because it's like being a child again, and no one wants that aspect of life as an adult. I hope the drama fades a little and your brother gets a bit more into being responsive to you as you need respite. Does "get off the double night" mean she couldn't get to or off the toilet? Toileting issues between Mom and Son sound particularly touchy for him. Best wishes to you.
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