I don’t know where to begin. As I previously posted regarding taking care of my father in law and my mom an hour and a half away.

This is a whole new journey. Yes, my moms is getting around $50,000 a year plus her social security (which won’t be there when my husband retires) . So she is finally having a shower put in that my husband did. So, the next step is cutting her grass. He got new blades and all this stuff for the lawnmower. Then I guess the cash rent guy said he has someone interested in renting the pasture for the cows. Well of course I am out in the yard minding my own business with the puppies and this big truck stopped . He waved me out and introduced himself. Really nice guy. He has worked with our families for decades. He also tried to help my brother with the cows. This pasture would be great except she needs a different drive to get the hay in. She can’t drive through my brother's lane and then the fence that was torn down and gates. I gave the information to my mother regarding Wayne. If it came down it would be lee and I doing everything. I don’t know what is wrong with me. It’s going to be the same, leave early I clean her kitchen top to bottom. I do not know how they have lived as long as they did. Then he looks at more thing,s I take her for groceries and anything she needs laundry. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself I have an amazing guy that would do anything and everything for me and my family. Little different what my brother said where’s he been for 30 years. Right here but you were in charge. Then I think about my brother saying he doesn’t have a little tractor to put in his shed. You know everything happened so fast and emotions were everywhere. I wish we could have slowed down and just talked and how can we get through it. However, that’s not my family. Anyway I just feel like we will be wrapped up in the same life we had last year. My husband and I have all of our cars house lot all paid for. Do we want debts. We didn’t have children first my health and second we just wanted to be responsible for each other. I have not seen my brother or sister in law except when she told me to keep driving or she was calling the cops to get it. But am I crazy. I still feel a connection within my brother and I. There is still something there. When I went away for treatment for anorexia December 26, 2013 at the weight of 87 pounds. I didn’t know this but from a very young age of 9-10, we were on a family vacation and my brother witnessed how weak I was. Of course my mom could never admit it was that. My first real treatment my brother was so proud of me and so was my niece. We were also allies because my mom thought you just got over it. She would also get upset if my brother and I were talking even just joking around. If I did talk to my mother she would ask what did your brother say about me now. I know I cannot change anyone only the way I react to them I think in this exact moment there will never be the same exact moment. But also my therapist said that as of right now in this moment his family and himself are not capable to be in our lives right now we don’t know what an hour or a day can bring. I apologize for hitting a couple of topics. I feel like I was spoiled throughout the winter. My mom lived with us December 1-31 she was hospitalized with anemia kidney shutting down and this awful cold. She was really week when she was discharged so I picked her up at 9 but they didn’t give us for at least one night to change bandages. But it worked out for the best. She stayed with us December 1-31 and then back in February for a funeral for a gentleman who served in Korea together. Ed’s funeral was February 11 th and of course we had reservations for a couple night at the lodge. But that birthday meant more to me and my husband than all those before. I am just so grateful that we were able to get my mom there. But through all this good stuff I do want to cry I do want to have some of my husband attention. Any suggestions I would appreciate so much love you all