My mother moved in with us 2 years ago. She always has been very self-centered. My father did everything for her. She expected everything she wanted and he gave it to her. Now living with me, she is very demanding and wants what she wants when she wants it. She has said some very nasty things to me that have been very hurtful. I have shed many tears. I do have one sister but she is mentally not well and can't take care of herself, so, I am alone. My husband travels for his job and so I deal with this mostly alone. She doesn't let me have any kind of a life, if I have time for myself then I should be doing something for her. I hate to have the feelings that I have. I don't have a mother-daughter relationship anymore. It is a queen and her servant. I am getting to the point that I don't even like her anymore and I cringe when I hear her walker coming. I do not like this feeling.
Mitzi - to me, you are the icon. You have set your limits, know your limits and live by them. I am having a hard time with the boundaries, especially since she calls all the time claiming that all of this is my fault or my kids or husbands fault. Every single call is a fight while I try to remind her that the reason we were angry was because she was so nasty, not the other way around. She just cries and swears that she didn't do anything wrong and I am just being TERRIBLE and I am such a HORRIBLE daughter!
I'm hoping that this is the direction that GOD is guiding me toward and that this is the answer to all my prayers. Perhaps he is finally telling me to set my limits and let her live with it. I don't know. I do know that this is terribly difficult and I seem to be on pins and needles all the time, sick to my stomach, etc. But, this too shall pass, as my father (wonderful man) always used to tell me when we were hashing over my mothers latest transgression.
One of her old friends recently emailed with a story that happened a long time ago. She and some other friends were at a restaurant that my parents happened to arrive at. My mother approached their table and gave them a very loud tongue-lashing because these friends hadn't invited my parents to join them or tell them that they were going. This was about 15 years ago, so you can see, this is nothing new, only worse now with the aging and the passing of my father.
I didn't mean to say our praying changes anyone. We may only see that in heaven. People need to be willing to change. For me, I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. It is then I cried out to God, and He changed me. I tried, but really couldn't. And I can't change my Mom. Only God and she can do that. Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life. I may not see those desires fulfilled until we get to heaven.
What loving person wouldn't crave a normal relationship with their parent? But that parent has to crave it too. Just because they aren't healthy, doesn't mean we can't be. We just have to find health where it is, and deal with the unhealthy stuff we have with Mom or Dad or siblings. Yuk. Remember, sometimes God makes people willing to change, through circumstance, etc. We all have choices for how we handle what's been dealt. We didn't get to choose our family, but we get to choose our friends. Choose well!
But if she said she hated my kids. I'd flat out tell her, "Mom, as much as I'd love you to come by and give them gifts, until you can not hate anymore, you cannot come over." With love and firmness. If she doesn't remember she said it ask, "Perhaps you need me to record things as a reminder?" See what happens then?
For me, mom never got the politely direct subtleties. I had to be direct and blunt with mom. For some that may work, for some it may not. Some people feel love is allowing them to be a little more forgiving, let them do because they are sick, but I'm going to tell you something... that is such a deceitful misnomer.
My sister in law works with special needs and autistic children and she says that's why they are behaved so poorly in private or out in public. Even special children can understand (do not always like it), but it turns out an enjoyable event because of the boundaries or rules set in place. There's nothing wrong with it when it comes to even our parents.
I'm sure I'll receive a lot of flack over it, but learning how to deliver the message of boundaries no matter what is wrong with mom or dad can help make our daily lives just a smidgeon easier. Draw strength on God for learning how to deliver and set boundaries. It's the only way to get through it!
Austin - I have tried, over and over, to explain that we can no longer tolerate her nastiness, and for a short time, she says she's sorry. Then comes the next phone call when she says that she can't believe that we are doing this to her and that it is all my fault because I ordered her out of my house when "she did nothing wrong". Anne is so right when she says that we are not dealing with reasonable people here. I know that I and my family have been over backwards, to the detriment of my kids, to meet her needs over the past 10 years, but she continually beets us down. Just this a.m., since my last post, she called to ask when she can see the kids because she has a gift for them, but in her very next breath she said that she "hates" them because they "have done this to her", then she asked when she could come over and give them their presents, so when I snottingly responded "Why would you want to when you hate them so much?" She responded, with "I don't hate them, why would you say that?" I just can't keep up and don't know when to trust her or what she says.
I've got to go to work now and pretend to be happy LOL, so I will talk with you guys later.
Thanks again for all your posts. You don't know how wonderful it is to be able to vent to people who actually understand!
Anyway, welcome aboard. Start reading threads and like Anne suggested, its a hot thread when it comes to dealing with mother's selfishness. I hope you can find some encouragement there too.
May you finding healing and comfort while giving care to someone within your family. Plenty here have many stories to share and a lifetime of comfort! Welcome!