My brother has said he is done with my mom because of my daddy’s will.

First, could you clarify a few things? Your profile states that you're caring for your mother, Marylou, who's 77, and for Bob, who's 80. Is Bob your father? But your father died in 2016?

Second, your question addresses your brother's apparent decision to terminate relations with your mother. Then your following explanation addresses inheritance issues.

Are you concerned about both, i.e., are you posting to get advice on what to do with your brother now that he's apparently indicated he won't have any future contact with your mother? Is he helping you care for her?

Or are the inheritance issues more or as much of a concern as Bob's apparent reluctant to continue involvement?

I ask b/c they're different questions, different answers, and b/c if your father passed about 2.5 years ago, the terms of any will or trust would be in effect by now, so they're not new issues but ones which are already in place. Are you then asking advice on how to address the bequests, as apparently they're contested?

Beyond that, I have just one question before awaiting your response. Was a Living Trust created before your father died, is it in place and active now, and are the terms of that disputed between your brother and you?

But since your father has died before your mother, there is no active Living Trust? Your father apparently was the only person who created the Trust? So now it's an issue of interpretation of your father's bequests?

It's often very difficult to "interpret" what a poster is asking before a lot of basic issues are clarified, so this will help us respond to your concerns.

See Staffbull's other post at:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/What-Is-an-irrevocable-trust-439536.htm?orderBy=recent&page=1#comment871675

I'm hoping for some clarification so we can answer his/her questions.

Sorry Bob is my father in law and has brain damage he is actually on a waitlist for assisted living with Medicaid there is no inheritance as for my brother he is not helping care for my mom and hasn’t even in 2015 when she was dealing with another ulcer he also told her this is the last year he will be farming he did say he will find her the highest bidder since my dad’s will was sent to probate a few months ago so we could clear the title for refinancing of the farm so my brother got 30,000 I guess for tile or something and she got 20,000 to get the bathroom functional and also the plumbing in the kitchen He pays cash rent to her to farm the land. My mom and Dad owned the land jointly and it’s all my moms the day after she was medflight he told me all of this and how he can’t do it anymore it’s all on me but my husband and I are willing to try to keep the farm in the family and take care of her but he kept saying this is real and then he said that he showed the will to a lawyer and that’s it this terrifies me My mom is so hurt she said she saw this man down the way as she was being loaded into the helicopter and his face looked like he was wishing her to die when i read part of the will to a lawyer he said there is no trust because she didn’t die before him and he gave her everything she is the owner and her will is going to be it so at this time he is farming until the end of the season and he put in for a transfer with work and he is selling everything this is not what my mom wants she knows how hard he has worked and he deserves it yet he thinks she is out to destroy him he can leave and we move into her house when she passes he still has 270 acres and we will keep trying to make it work and he can get what he deserves and that’s what my husband and I would do for him so he can rent it out or sell it my brother deserves it I have been living my life with my husband even though that topic came up because it states if something happens to me it goes to my husband and then my nieces but if something happens to him it goes to his kids he attacked me about where has your husband fot the last 30 years and he doesn’t know him that’s not on us he was working as a deputy sheriff he is so resentful that I left he could have too he said it’s all up to me even though I know you physically are not in a place to do it and he said he loved me and then the next day he blocked my phone number my mom is sending him a certified letter asking when she will be paid the money she was supposed to get in March she needs it to pay taxes and farm insurance and she has other things she is going to address it may come down to lawyers taking to lawyers we just want to make sure she is okay and she has everything she needs we are not doing this for anything we are doing it because it’s the right thing to do and we want to we have even said in the past sell it and go enjoy life in Vegas or travel we just don’t know what is going on except my sister in law comes down asking my husband when he is going to be done with this wagon she hasn’t used it in years my husband said he will put it back she gave that to my mom and now they took the weedwaker that was a gift to my dad I am so worried about her. But he can come back and collect off the land and he should that’s the kind of people we are we don’t expect anything it should go to her care sorry off on a tangent if I didn’t answer the questions please let me know

Sounds like there is no one who really wants to undertake the work and risk of farming left - there is no reason why brother should keep on farming if he is not going to get much out of it and doesn't really want to do it. Have you considered selling the farm?

My mom will not even go there it’s that mindset that it’s the family farm it’s been in the family for 200 years she can get a new renter after he leaves and probably make money it’s just the emotions of all of this she said she is writing her own obituary and he will not be in it

Your family sounds quite dysfunctional , Staffbull.

Did your brother not understand that dad's will would need to provide for mom? He sounds very immature, and possibly mentally ill.

Has that occurred to you?

I am a bit confused.. is your brother mad that you get 10 acres and house, while he gets 290 acres? If so,,is he really that greedy? He is making out like a bandit. Or is he mad about the inheritance down the line,, your nieces and his family? How can he sell the property off the farm (equipment) without your mom;s permission? You said he put in for a transfer with his job,, so he is farming part time I guess? Maybe he is just tired of farming, and this is his excuse?

Staffbull, yesterday I promised an answer but I'm still having trouble following the situation. It's just not all that clear. But I haven't forgotten your request for help.

How can I clarify

I can't speak for GA; but for me....

Your dad died, yes?

So his will has been probated and is in effect?

Dad's will left farm to mom.

So the provision that entailed mom dying first is not under consideration (also termed "moot")

So, dad's will's provisions must be followed.

Mom's last will and testament will come into play WHEN she dies.

If she is still competent to execute legal documents, she can change her will now.

I'm not sure what your brother was expecting when your dad died; did he not think that mom would need to be taken care of by dad's will? In my opinion, NO child whose parent dies with a dependent spouse should expect "their" inheritance at that time. Both parents need to have passed on.

That is why I'm thinking that your brother is dealing with longstanding mental issues.

I wouldn't put much stock in the way anyone's face looked as your mom was being medivacced.

Well written and thorough, Barb. For some reason, I just couldn't get through that situation to clarify it.

i is sorry it’s me again reality hit these last three days i went to get my weekly stuff done and i was going sunday but decided monday i got there and mom was kinda somber she said she watched my brother take everything out of the shed he used on that farm i am trying to hold it together for her but it’s killing me well tuesday we turned and there it was house for sale by owner that really made it reality

HOw can sell her house? Or is he selling his house? I am still confused about how he sell the stuff on the farm if it was willed to her?

Can he sell his house. Was the farm subdivided? If the house is on Moms land, this maybe sticky. The person would own the house but not the property it sits on.

Why couldn't Mom have given him his share before her death?

Okay, I am so confused by your situation and our family owns 2 farms. So here goes my interpretation:

When the father of your brother and you died, the 280 acres of farmland along with the "acreage" (house and 10 acres of land around the house and all outbuildings on that 10 acres) for a total of 290 acres, ALL WENT TO YOUR MOM and nothing went to your brother or you?

When your Mom dies, the 280 acres of farmland goes to your brother; and the "acreage" (the house and 10 acres of land around the house and all outbuildings on the 10 acres) goes to you.

Then WHY is your brother putting a "House For Sale By Owner" sign on property that HE DOES NOT OWN AND WILL NEVER OWN because YOU WILL INHERIT the house and the 10 acres around the house?

Your Mom needs to call your brother's bluff and fast!! Your brother is acting like a spoiled brat.

Tell your Mom that she needs to call the family lawyer and tell him what is going on. Also have your Mom call the Realty Company and have her explain how the farm land and acreage are HERS and that only after HER DEATH will your brother own the 280 acres of farmland and NONE of the acreage.

If your brother bought any of the tools or equipment, then he does have the right to sell them. But he does NOT have the right to take or sell anything that he did not buy himself.

JoAnn, If Mom gives the brother the 280 acres before she dies, she is giving away her income for the rest of her life. The brother is doing the actual farming and then paying Mom "cash rent" after harvest. In other words, the brother sells the grain and then he PAYS MOM a percentage of the PROFITS from selling the corn, soybeans, wheat, whatever, which is Mom's income for the year. Right now, Mom is living in the farm house on an "acreage." If Mom has to go into a nursing home, she will be "private pay" and the farm may have to be sold to pay for the nursing home.

Staffbull, do I have your situation figured out correctly?

Dee, I sort of understood that he gives Mom a a percentage of the profit. Makes sense. I think the Mom is 74? Couldn't she have given him the farm with the stipulation she got a percentage of property,her 10 acres and the house. If done before the five year look back, there should be no problem, right? Then the daughter could inherit Moms house and acreage when she passed.

I think brother is mentally ill.

Staffbull has made another rambling post that I can't make head or tails of.
https://preview.agingcare.com/questions/hi-i-dont-if-my-question-was-sent-reality-is-hitting-home-sunday-my-mom-watched-my-brother-remove-al-439802.htm

I *thought* she had moved in with her mother on the farm and that her brother had been farming for years in the expectation that the land would one day be his, but she says "we now have to go down every week to cut grass and work on the plumbing and remodel a bathroom there is no bath that works and no shower". So, I don't understand where are she and mother living?

She also mentions that he owes $10K for taxes and that "he could leave her high and dry for her mortgage too", and "i think her medical bills are going to take the farm but she has the money for her bills".
So, if there's a mortgage then the "it’s been in our family 200 years" farm belongs (at least in part) to the bank? And why is bro expected to pay the taxes if he doesn't own the land?

I'm dizzy from trying to figure all this out.

CW, that was my issue as well. I just couldn't follow it, especially the stream of consciousness style. Just too hard to read.

I think Mom was living in the farmhouse until her illness. Her house is old. Brother has his own house which may have a Mortgage. Thats why my question, does he own the land that the house sits on or is the land Moms. Hard to sell a house if someone else owns the land.

I hope Administration makes original posts more accessible than having using a search. Like when you click on the posters name for a profile, you see former posts too.

Staffbull also has a lot going on with FIL too. Too much for one plate.

I tried to post this last night but my computer was acting up:
The farm is a source of INCOME FOR MOM. If she gave the farm to the son, he would NOT have to pay her anything because he would own every bushel of grain that is harvested.

The 10 acres and the house (AKA the acreage) are just that--a house that sits on 10 acres. NO INCOME.

Farm inheritance is a big problem, it is like inheriting a store. What do you do if you don't want to run the store that you inherited but you need the income from it? You rent the store to someone else and have them pay you part of the profits as your source of income.

People who don't want to farm or people who work at other professions (like my family members have), rent out the farm land to someone else and have them farm the land. Many farmers farm between 500 -1000 acres (however, they own only 50% or less of the land that they farm and rent the other 50+ %). Also, many farm families are multi-generational so the farm profits have to be split among 2 or 3 different generations.

"CASH RENT" is when at harvest time (or a couple of months later--Dec or Jan or Feb) the renter, who farmed the land, sells all of the grain-corn, soybeans, wheat, etc. and gives a percentage of the profits to the farm owner.

Or the farm land owner can "SHARE CROP". In other words, the farm owner divides the farm cost with their renter who is doing all of the farm work. At harvest time, the renter puts a certain number of bushels of grain under the farm owner's name at the grain elevator/co-op which he sells and keep all of the profits. Basically the farmer & the farm owner get ONE PAYCHECK PER YEAR and that paycheck has to last all year long.

Whether you "CASH RENT" or "SHARE CROP", as the farm owner, you have to pay all property tax on the farm and farm buildings (house, barn, etc.) along with farm insurance and pivot insurance and, of course, income tax on our percentage of profits. You DO NOT Pay Social Security so you have to pay a Self Employment Tax in place of S.S.

It sounds like the brother was supposed to sell some of the grain from the 2017 harvest and he hasn't sold the grain yet and hasn't paid his Mom her percentage of cash from the 2017 harvest (which she needs to pay the property tax and farm insurance).

I looked at Staffbull's other post and apparently the brother told his Mom that he IS NOT going to farm in 2019. SO he has to send a Certified Letter of Intent Not to Farm to his Mom before August 1st? and his Mom has to "approve" the letter. It is like giving notice of quitting a job. Mom has to find a NEW RENTER to farm her farm land and have him sign a contract by Sept 1st?

I think that the brother is upset that Mom didn't die first as he knows that she will sell the farm to pay for her nursing home care. Mom can sell the farm land and the acerage (the house & 10 acres) separately. The brother SHOULD NOT be putting signs up "For Sale By Owner" on Mom's house because he does not own it. I can understand why Stiffbull is upset. The farm that her family farmed for 200 years most likely will be sold to another family. That is very hard to accept.

I think everyone is being a little bit harsh in regards to brother/son, a lot of times multi-generational farming is set up without all the formal legal processes that would be used if dealing with outsiders, we have no idea what brother and father may have discussed or what promises were made as they worked together over the years. In a lot of rural communities there is still the expectation that the son will inherit and look after the surviving parent, realistic or not in today's world the fact that this didn't happen could have been a huge shock to brother.

We don't know how much acreage brother farms and whether or not he has enough to make a viable living once everything is sold off to pay for mom's care.

We don't know who owns the farm equipment that is being sold/moved, but it's a good guess that anything modern belonged to brother.

I still am uncertain whose property is listed as for sale - obviously brother can't sell what he doesn't own.

I think this all comes down to a lot of miscommunication between all 3 with a lot of assumptions, half truths and hyperbole deepening the rift.

i want to thank those of you who are helping and supporting me i am really hurt by some of the responses i am sorry i didn’t post correctly i am dealing with three households and caring for two elderly people i feel like i am drowning and that everything i do is wrong and i come here to communicate ( i guess not the right way) with others who are dealing with the stress of caregiving and family issues also i am afraid to post anything else because i feel attacked and invalidated. not by everyone. the situation is there are two farms but only one mortgage my brother did buy his house and the land it is on nothing else is his. regarding the machinery when my dad stopped farming he basically gave it all to him. i will not put any emotions in this post so my mom and dad owned everything except what my brother has there is one mortgage of 150,000 on a 3 million dollar farm. in the contract my brother does pay the taxes and then the mortgage i do apologize i have never had to deal with this business before. i left for college and met my husband and he got his job as a police officer 4 hours from this and i was working at blue cross lee parents lived in janesville which was the half way point to my parents and he was hired as a deputy sheriff and i transfer to blue cross here but the farm was being farmed by my dad and my brother that was their business but my dad said to me that i will get my fair share and he wanted my sister in law away from him. i would never tell my brother that but i told my daddy i am not the one working on the farm my brother should have more and i didn’t know if we would even come back here he said at least you could rent it out i never thought anything about it i will add that when my parents started to need help i was down there for everything i want to clarify that i had to stop working because i was diagnosed with pancreatic divisium which i was born with anf i had two major surgery and during the last one im 1997 they messed up and cut the tail of my pancreas off and all the amylase filed my spleen so i then had a tube in my back for 12 weeks i am in chronic pain and can have an attack of pancreatitis but even though we didn’t live there we went down quite a bit more me at times because my husband worked third shift we were always there if my parents needed anything we did thanksgiving dinner every year sent them on their dream vacation they always wanted to go to las vegas for their 45 th wedding anniversary and we helped them continue to go for 6 years and if they needed money for bills or other things if we had it we never said no we helped them but my mom also had a gambling issue and a lot of lies that i wasn’t aware of but my brother saw so we paid her bills directly i told her she can’t continue to buy all these lottery tickets especially when dad stopped working at the age of 85 she promised me she would stop and she knew they didn’t have the money to do it i gave her the benefit of the doubt but my brother kept saying she is still gambling well i took her to wmri and i needed a pen and rude awakening i find a stack of lottery tickets not dolar ones i stopped counting at 300 dollars i didn’t know if i should say anything i am a recovering alcoholic and still working on the anorexia but she sensed something was wrong so i was very calm and i said i found all the tickets and at first she started to lie my sponsor always said if an addict is opening their mouth they are lying so i talked about how my addiction made me lie and it is a disease she said that when she wins she feels good she gets a high i said i understand exactly how you feel her biggest concern was my brother finding out i told her he already does i am the one that backed you up anyway she is not good with money but she is still competent she wasn’t senile she just had issues and then she would send in those mail offers you have won 10 milion dollars but you have to send 50 so this farming business is their business but now when they started getting sick i was the only one who took care of them even though they live a country block away and i did it because i wanted to and it’s the right thing to do and i love them so yes my daddy died december 2016 i lived there almost all the time i live an hour and a half away and i also take care of my father in law who has brain damage so the days before my daddy’s death my brother called me up and attacked me saying i left for 30 years and you come back and cause trouble was i supposed to be 40 years old living with my parents he said don’t call him or text him at the lunch they sat all by themselves in a corner and my mom and i were with family and friends but we stayed with her until xmas eve and my brother brought her gifts down and left he never checked on her i was with her as much as she wanted she came to wisconsin to hear me speak i had to go back to treatment february 6 th i would talk to my brother only if he was there when t called ok the whole thing is they were never there for her but now she had her big toe and part of her foot amputated this happened march 7 th at first we need to take care of her first and then for my mom to refinance the farm there were documents that they needed i did a lot of work to get this money for her and my brother well my daddy’s will was probated and it was dated 2011 ( back a moment all my daddy ever wanted was a family he didn’t want gifts he just wanted her to come down wish me happy birthday and give me a hug but she never did) so my daddy’s will gives everything to mom but if she died before him it would go into a trust and my brother and i would be trustees and we each would get half of the income of the farm then if something happened to me it would go to my husband who my daddy loved and then to my nieces who never talk to us now if something happened to my brother everything would go to his kids so now i am the emotional one all these memories so they think my daddy’s will is final but my mom still has hers and hers gives my brother 290 acres minus 10 acres and this old house my parents live in so now more medical sbe was lifeflighted i didn’t think he would even be there but the first question was are helicopter covered really well i talked to him the next morning and he said he is done farming and it’s all on me now he said he knows i am not physically in a place to do it he said we have to cut grass keep the house going get a garbage service mom used to be able to put a bag up there so it looks like he got his transfer they accepted an offer on the house and his land and he is having a farm sale july 8,9 we are terrified that he is going to leave her with the taxes and yes in their agreement he pays the taxes and the insurance and the mortgage which is due in december and i am taking care of all my father in law interviews for food share and other medicaid benefits he moves in the middle of july now i hope that i wrote this the right way for those who think badly of me i guess my idea of what this forum was supposed to be about was wrong i just wanted to find a place where i can gets some answers ask questions and get support and some validation sometimes i feel good after reading but today i feel worse i feel like i am being scolded i really appreciate your help

Staffbull, adding punctuation shouldn't be beyond you, and keeping to one topic at a time would really be helpful.... all the little details and back story is just confusing and hard to wade through. I'm not trying to side against you, I'm trying to offer neutral a voice of reason amid all the chaos.
I get that you are stressed.
I get that you are caught up in a family drama that probably isn't of your own making, and it seems there have been some longstanding problems around your mother's gambling and money management.

You stepped up and cared for your parents after being away for 30 years despite having your own health problems and in-laws to care for - kudos to you, you are a good daughter! None of that is really relevant to the problem at hand.

Brother has given his notice that he no longer wants to farm and is selling his own house and land. The previous agreement was that he paid the taxes and mortgage in lieu of/in addition to rent on your parent's property, but if he is no longer farming the land then he no longer will be paying, right? You say the land is worth a substantial amount of money, is your mother (like many farmers) land rich and cash poor and so strapped for cash she can't pay her mortgage and taxes?

I think you need to figure out where you are going from here and put aside everything that has gone on in the past.

Is the land planted, or is it sitting fallow - if brother put a crop in then isn't he expecting to harvest it, if not is it too late to rent the land to someone else this year?

Cutting grass isn't a priority, I see plenty of town properties that look like they have a hay field in their yard, it doesn't matter.

It is time to put into motion plans for your mother going forward, while the farm pulls at your sentimental heartstrings you admittedly are not a farmer and neither is your husband. The land is a huge asset that can be used to pay the bills for many years to come, you need to meet with the bank and a lawyer and get the ball rolling. (BTW I also had to sell my parent's farm and the adjoining land that my grandparents passed to an uncle, I get that it is hard)

At this point, I think your husband needs to take over FILs care. You need all ur focus on Mom. Don't u love parents. Dad saying he was leaving you land you could rent if you didn't want to come back to live. Its still a responsibility you don't need. My Dad could have sold part of his property for houses. No, keeping it for you kids. 40 yrs later I can't sell it. There is nothing left for us kids. Which is OK.

Staffbull, as you know, my family also owns 2 farms. So I understand what you are going through.

I am sorry that you feel afraid to post anything because you feel attacked and invalidated. We are NOT ATTACKING YOU.

Imagine if you were a school teacher and asked your students to write an essay. You would expect the students to use correct punctuation and grammar, Right? That is all that the other people are asking--that you write in proper sentences using periods, commas, etc. and make paragraphs between the different topics of your posts. Like I did with your earlier posts.

It took me 3+ hours to rewrite your posts and figure out what you were saying.

It is the WAY that you are typing that is frustrating to other people. Your sentences run together. If I typed what I just wrote the same way that you type it, this is how it would look:

[staffbull as you know my family also owns 2 farms so i understand what you are going through i am sorry that you feel afraid to post anything because you feel attacked and invalidated we are not attacking you imagine if you were a school teacher and asked your students to write an essay you would expect the students to use correct punctuation and grammar right that is all that the other people are asking that you write in proper sentences using periods commas etc and make paragraphs between the different topics of your posts like i did with your earlier posts it took me 3+ hours to rewrite your posts and figure out what you were saying it is the way that you are typing that is frustrating to other people your sentences run together if i typed what i just wrote the same way that you type it this is how it would look]

Which version is easier to read and to understand? Do you now see why the other people sounded upset? They couldn't understand what you were saying!!

Please continue to express your feelings here. Just remember to use punctuation with periods and commas and paragraphs. God Bless.

thank you. i apologize now for no punctuation. no it’s not beneath me. my mom is going to her lawyer tomorrow morning and she will ask what his intentions are regarding the crops. With the farm sale being in july he will not have any machinery to harvest anyway. furthermore, she rents the land way below asking price so she gets just enough money for the mortgage and taxes. so yes they’re land rich but cash poor. i appreciate your posts that encourage me but i am sorry i still feel invalidated and criticized for the way i am doing somethings. i am trying to do the best i can in these situations and i come here and i can’t even write correctly. again i am sorry i can’t write right for you. funny thing is i have a degree in communications, i don’t know what others feel but when you are hurting does the way you write really matter. i feel knocked down again

Staffbull, the way you write doesn't matter if you are simply writing to vent and get out your frustrations. If that's what you're doing, no punctuation doesn't matter, vent away.

However, most of us here are inveterate "fixers". We try to help people. If you don't want suggestions or advice, just say that you're venting. We understand.