Her health is declining; she's had glaucoma and lost sight in one eye. She suffers from breathing problems, poor circulation, and dizziness. She won't see a doctor. I managed to convince her to deal with dental problems (she had ten teeth, all in bad condition) but she insisted on going to a cut-rate place and we are still trying to get her lower denture to fit correctly. She shouldn't live alone, but my house is very small and her house is much too far away for me to live with her and keep my job. I also don't want to move away from my kids and grandkids. Her place is paid off and we are considering pulling some equity out of it to buy a bigger place here then selling her place. I can't sell mine because I'm upsidedown in the mortgage. I'm at my wit's end and would like advice on any or all of this. My mom is also a difficult person - to the point that my brother and sister have nothing to do with her.
Grace and Peace.
Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them. Psalms 119:165.
Praying for that peace that passes all understanding. Thank you.
The more we look inward, the sicker we become, don't you think?
The more we criticize others, (and self) the more angry and frustrated we become.
Freedom comes from faith, and healing comes from God alone. We can't make ourselves well. Without God, we're all lost and on our way to hell. Some of us live there already. Jesus said, I am the way, the truth and the life. No man cometh to the Father but by me. And, Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. What Psychiatrist or medication can equal that???
Look up, repent, and believe, for your redemption draweth nigh.
Short version. The goal of adult emotional maturity is not so much to ice out people who push out buttons but to build boundaries in our lives so that we are free to be in touch with our own emotions and ideas with the freedom to say them as well as being in touch with others, but not absorbed into their feelings and ideas.
Your story sounds like you've lived in the land of Oz for way too long and it's time for you and Toto to go back home. The thing of it is that like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, you have had to power to leave the F.O.G. (fear, obligation, and guilt) of your control freak for your whole life, however, they did not want to see that you were in fact stronger than them for actually they are so unadmittedly dependent on you. The abuser, the control freak, the mommy-dearest never wants you to recognize your own strength and really see how weak they truly are. Sad to say this is something that a close relative never saw, but I got blamed for having a bad influence on him when he would refuse to walk on eggshells. I took that criticism as a complement.
I've had plenty of times of feeling stupid myself. However, if you read my poem on path through tragic pain, you'll read that such what ifs just don't get us anywhere positive.
When I went on disability 7 years ago, I was told my therapists and others that I'd been just too good, worn my pastor hat too tight, and apparently was trying to reach sainthood with such self-denial as a pastor. I often have felt like an idiot because some important things I'd learned in class totally left my brain and much later on I wish it had stuck.
I do think that we all are too difficult on ourselves by thinking we are an idiot for not handling something better than we are. Well, I think we need to let ourselves off of our own hooks for how can you be guilty or really be an idiot in a situation in which you didn't have the tools or knowledge to deal with or were very inexperienced in their use. This is so true in life in general and in the specifics which draw us hear to both learn and support each others.
Azamma, No guess it's time. Now, today is the time to in a sense "KA" tell the little fearful, obligated goody, goody cub inside you she'll be safe because you have discovered your adult voice and are ready to roar! You no longer will need to comfort your inner self by being the obligated "good one." You must do this for yourself, for your grown children and for their children. The danger is loosing contact with them because their parents get fed up your mom controlling their grandmother and thus, another group of family members going into another journey through OZ. Who can stop this?
I can't believe how raw and rare some of my statements are. Quite blunt indeed, but not quite as cutting as a few statements from Paul's Epistle to the Galatians which is the only one which is so brash. However, when I read or learn of someone's story who has been abused and living in some sort of bondage like the legalistic mess Paul rebukes in Galatians, I can get a bit more like a RamboCrowe in feeling angry for them.
BTW, for more about getting come from Oz, I suggest, Tinman, Ozzie. One Way Ticket to Kansas as well as Brown, Nina W. Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grownup's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publishers, Inc., 2001.
Will comment more about that at another time. The most important thing I caught from your post was this (especially when they don't like it, or don't understand): "...that it would be negligence on your part not to watch out for her." Thank you for the grace in that comment.
Mom has beat me up for "being bossy," when in fact, I was looking out for her best interests. I was told to set boundaries where she could not. And it doesn't make mamma happy.
Love your fresh attitude, and wish I could "catch" it from you. Praying I'm not immune. Thanks! :) You are someone who truly found joy in the journey. Happy Thanksgiving.
Maybe I am a lot like you, because I thrice escaped, then dove back in myself. Perhaps it's time to cut my losses, and move on to higher ground again. There is much freedom in walking away. My situation seemed better with distance. But, the emotional ties are strong. Caring for a person with mental illness and cognitive decline, who clearly does NOT want my help verges on insanity, if I don't heed the request to "honour" my mother's wishes. Knowing she does not have the mental capacity to know what's best for herself has kept me in bondage to try to "help" her. But it's not helping me. So...
How about you? What is in your best interest? Do you continue to sacrifice yourself for her? Your choice. It's up to you. Our parent's needs can be met in a variety of ways, and don't necessarily depend totally on us. (We can only do so much anyway, and receiving help from others is often an advantage.) Think about your own life as being just as important as your mother's is to her. Who gets the care they need? Her's can be provided for by others, correct? Can yours?
I'm speaking to myself, as well.
She remarried when I was almost fourteen. He was an emotionally abusive alcoholic who would have been sexually abusive toward me had I allowed it. I essentially left home when I was almost fifteen and married shortly after turning fifteen. Unfortunately, the person I married was my much older step-brother (yes, it's legal to marry a step-sibling). He was raised to be the "good child" too. So, we were quite a pair, two people who were raised to do the bidding of control freak parents!
I have a much too developed sense of family responsibility I suppose. My children point it out to me on a regular basis. All I can do is agree with them. They are all sane, normal adults thank goodness. I attribute that to the fact that after I divorced their dad after fourteen years of marriage, I moved us far away from the insanity created by their grandparents. After my step-dad died in 1997, I felt obligated to move back to look after mom (big, big mistake!!). I didn't want to stay where I was (the job prospects were terrible), but I should not have moved back here. Now everyone is established in this area and I won't move away from my children and grandchildren. My children and I get along very well, but I am getting tired of having my mom be a sticking point in having them come around.
I guess it's time to stop being the good child and be the adult who is available to help her but not be used as a doormat and controlled by guilt. She is very fond of pointing out anything and everything she has ever done for anyone and complaining that she just doesn't understand how they can be so ungrateful and that it seems it doesn't matter to them how much she has done for them. Personally, I don't feel that anyone owes me anything when I do things for them. I do things for my family because I want to, not because I'm expecting to be paid back. Of course, they often volunteer to do things for me without being asked, too.
Thank you all for letting me vent and for being so kind and helpful with your advice. Sometimes I feel like an idiot for not being able to deal with all of this in a more effective way.
BTW, my wife and I visited my mother today and she has clearly just decided to give up. This is very sad and very much just like her mother was after her broken hip and surgery. Some days, I also feel like just giviing up. I'm going to ask my therapist tomorrow for ideas about some possible meds to add to my Lamictak to help perk me up.
Also, keep the focus of SS on her and her social security and medicare. It's far too easy for her to dismiss you and get you into an aurgement away from her need to take responsibility for herself by getting into SS for you or SS for you children.
I'll say somthing now which I did not remember earlier. That is anyone dealing with a control freak really needs a good counselor themselves for both support and their direct input on dealing with such narcissistic control freaks.
Please don't crucify yourself for a control freak.
thanks for the comments, and no I don't take your question as picking on me. You'd have so say something like caw, caw or high scare crowe or somethng silly like that to pick on me. :)
You take charge of your own life by setting boundaries with consequences in order to gain control of your life back from the control freak! This means stop walking on eggshells which that book plus it's workbook might be very good for you to read. Another part of taking charge is not spending so much time and energy thinking about the control freek's health problems which unless they are incompetent to deal with are their issues to chose a path to better themselves or not.
In a nutshell, you did not cause their control issues, nor can your heal them, but you can choose a healthy path for yourself an if the control freak wants to chose a healthier path in life for themselves fine, but it they want to freak out, that is fine also for it was thier choice to freak out and let them deal with the consequences.
Control freak parents intuitively know who the weak one is that they can use. Sometimes, control freak parents, pick the perceived weak child to train down through the years to be their compliant caretaking, obedient one. Sometimes, parents don't like potential mates for their children because they will not be alble to control and enslave them into their control freak system.
azamma,
My wife and I discussed the SS thing. It might work with yur mother to tell her that by not drawing social security and medicare benefits, the governemnt is ripping her off for all those years she paid into it.
This is going to sound very intrusive and blunt, but I'm going to say it anyhow and it is a confession of my own failings and a place from which I've had to grwo from. If you are the only sibling or inlaw who still gets along with one of these control freaks, then you are either the person they can so easily still control and thus they still like you or you have learned how to not get sucked into their drama and despite how much they hate how they can't control you, they must live with you within your boundaries or they will live somewhere elese.
Furthermore, words such as would, should, ought to, could have, etc. are passive statements which control freaks do not get for those are passive ways of speaking. Plain speaking such as I certain that the government will gladly keep all of the money you paid into social security for __ years and save money from not having to pay you any SS retirement and Medicare benefits. They are doing this right now because you have not filed to receive these benefits. Tomorrow at 10 am, you and I are going down to the SS office, take a number, wait for our turn and stop the government from stealing your money it owes you.
Hinting does not work. Passive statemens are taken as admissions of not boundaeris and weakness by a control freak. It's time to speak in the first person voice of issues such as I think, I feel, I will , I will not, I must, I can, etc. Words such as will, can, must, shall are active verbs which show that you are taking control of you and responsibility for yourself, your idea,s, your feelings, yiour goals, etc. If over the course of the years, yiou and yoiur parent never achieved an adult-adult relationship, then the role reversal which comes with being the adult child of an aging and declining parent will be extremely painful, but worth the fight, but realistically will not be possible to accomplish by everyone.
Let me add this, when in a family situation where your children are under 18, you as a parent have the right to set some boundaries not only in your behealf but also in theirs. You can't force another adult to accept yiour boundaries. You can ask them too, but you can't make their boundaries for them.
I think I better go take something to calm me down!?
Maybe one day you'll be rewarded for maintaining your existing arrangement with your mother. But you face the possibility of a major disappointment down the road.
I did tell her today that I thought she should draw her SS because she has paid into it, I have paid into it, and my kids pay into it. I also pointed out that employers pay into it which lowers the wage they might otherwise pay the employee. My view is that in another twenty years SS may not be there for me, and probably won't be there for my kids, so she may as well get what she can from it. Her response was that oh, of course it would be there when I'm retirement age.
The denturist decided he needed to remake her lower denture for the third time. We've been telling him all along that the teeth were too big and today he finally measured the space in her mouth. Guess what? The denture is too big!! So, I get to take time off from work on Wednesday to take her back (about 16 miles one way). I sure hope he has them right this time.
Thanks for all the support! It helps just to know that others are dealing with the same sorts of issues I have to deal with.
Azamma, wishing you and your mom a great Thanksgiving! :)
I'm sorry that I got the facts about the houses wrong.
Your mother sounds like a control person with her negativity and running people down behind their backs.
However, with her having paid into social security all of these years, she does have unused medical insurance available to her via Medicare Part A which is free and Part B which costs like $85 per month which is taken automatically out of the monthly SS check. She needs to know this. She is living off of you by not drawing her social security and using her medicare benefits and her comments about doctors is just part of her control game. You really must take charge.
I sleep in the dining area when she is here because she goes to bed much earlier than the rest of the household and I leave for work long before she is up in the morning. It makes more sense for me to be slightly inconvenienced by where I sleep than to disrupt the household more by altering people's sleep's schedules. She can go to bed when she wants by sleeping in my room and everyone else can be up later without disturbing her.
She does not have a doctor and hasn't seen one in years. Her attitude is that "they" don't do you any good and just give you medication that causes more problems than you already have. She had narrow angle glaucoma a few years ago and insisted for several days that something blew into her eye causing it to hurt and affecting her vision. By the time I talked her into going to a doctor, the damage was done. An urgent care doctor decided that she had a scratched cornea (my doctor's office was closed). I took her my doctor who immediately sent her to a specialist. The specialist did laser treatments which were not supposed to be painful but turned out to be very bad. Mom claims that the specialist messed up and finished putting out her eye. The cost for this was out of pocket because SHE HAS NO INSURANCE!!!! He did only charge $500 for all he did.
Knicknack - I would love to sell her house. I've been trying to get her to do that since my step-father died in 1997. She doesn't want to live in the city (where I live), and until the last couple of years she could manage with some help with her place. She no longer drives (or shouldn't), has severe shortness of breath, and can see only out of one eye. She has no friends around her neighborhood since her only real friend there died a few years ago. She is very socially isolated and refuses to participate in any "senior" type things. When the house was in good enough shape to sell, she didn't want to sell it. It has deteriorated and now she insists it needs to be fixed up before she can sell it. Personally, I would sell it at a discount instead of putting money into it. Of course, she also insists that since the real estate market is down she should wait to sell it. Apparently, everything she owns is worth far more than market value and everything others own is not worth what they are asking. We looked at some properties here which were priced quite well but she thinks they are overpriced. Even in this market, her place would sell and bring a good price because it has commercial zoning and a good location.
At this point, I am going to let her stay with me, keep the sleeping arrangements we have, and concentrate on doing the things I would do if she were not here. Of course, I will take care of her basic needs.
As for her going into a nursing home, I couldn't do that. She would not agree to it and she has two dogs I don't know what we would do with.
The reason people in the family avoid her is because she has a very pessimistic attitude and wants to talk negatively about others behind their back. For instance, my daughter has back problems. She recently had her second child. My mom insists that she doesn't need to have any children because "she can't take care of them" with her back problems. She criticizes my choice of neighborhood and demands to know why I like living on this side of town. She lived on the other side of the city for years. I live here because I like it and my daughter and her husband live here. She likes to ask family members to tell her what other family members are doing in their lives and why they are doing it. I generally tell her that I don't really know the details of what people are doing and that if she wants to know she should ask them.
Anyway, today we have to go to the dentist (for about the 15th time) to try to get her lower denture to fit properly. So, I will get to hear about how she wishes she still had her ten teeth two of which met for chewing.
Thanks for your responses.
Your mother's house is 5,000 square feet! Wow! That is a lot of house for one person and you think she needs more house? No, she needs much less. My family of four lives in a three bedroom house with less than 2,000 square feet and it seems plenty big for us.
Don't expect her to pick up on hints. You must be concrete and go into details. She has absolutely no business making you sleep somewhere else than your own bed. That is your house and your bed! Be strong! Take charge and stop walking on eggshells. Your grown children will respect and love you more for it.
Your fortitude in taking care of your mom is admirable in some ways, but it seems like her attitude is sucking the life out of you, and I suggest you TAKE CHARGE and communicate clearly with her. (Forget about having her guess at your meaning, as you did by sharing your experience with your POA.) So, the options could be: 1. sell Mom's house and use the proceeds to buy something that can accomodate you, the rest of your family, and her, 2. nursing home, 3. let her take her chances on her own. (If she chooses 3. and runs into trouble, you'll have to send her to a nursing home anyway, but in that case the decision will have been made for her.) Use the offer to let her stay with you during the winter as a bargaining chip. If she's not receptive to your suggestions and you can't bear ignoring her, at least apply new ground rules when she stays with you. This will send the message that she's in the dog house and at least make it a bit easier for you. Can't she stay on the twin bed, and you keep your bedroom? I imagine your mom would make a face at you at being relegated to the dining room, but so what? If she's not going to cooperate, what should she expect? She'll probably get mad and threaten to go back to her own house, in which case you should offer her a ride. Good luck!
I'm glad that my lengthy reply was helpful. You're in a real bind and reaching a point where your children may end up avoiding you because that can't be seperated from avoiding her.
Does she sign her tax returns or does she?
It sounds like a doctor or someone she trusts just might be able to explain to her that she's paid for SS retirement all these years and its time to cash in on it. I don't think you need to tell her that what she paid in actually paid for the current people drawing on SS and it's your social security payments that provide the actual money for her social security.
If you can get her to give you Durable POA, then getting SS is a mute point because you will be able to file for it in her stead as her POA.
I'm a concerned at this point what a doctor's evaluation of her mental competency might be. I'd try to get the POA's first because the journey to get her declared incompetent for the sake of protecting her via a guardianship is a painful and sometimes expensive process.
She does not collect SS, Medicare or anything. If you don't sign up for it, you don't get it. She feels it is a welfare program and that what one has paid in over the years would be depleted within a couple of years. She has worked most of her life and paid in to SS, so this is simply not true. I think it's a matter of her being fearful of anything to do with the government. I have to take care of her tax returns and she is stressed out by such things.
I recently made a big deal of the fact that I was making out a POA (financial and medical) for myself appointing my son as my agent and my other son as an alternate agent. It didn't seem to make the desired impression of inspiring her to follow suit.
I'm going to look into legal advice. I work for the state and can consult with an attorney for free.
My biggest stress is that she will not face reality and do the things she needs to do to make her life and my life easier. It's to the point that my kids also avoid her (they are all grown).
This must be handled with boundaries like I must have POA both durable and medical if you are going to come live with me all year round. It sounds like she sees you as the good child or at least for the present and I've seen adult children do all sort of things to keep on the good side of such a parent even to the point of sacrificing their marriage and children but trying to justify it by saying "I was doing this so we would inherit my mother's money" as her husband and children went on with their own lives.
Why does she need a place larger than yours? it will only mean more to have to keep up, clean up and repair. What life do you have right now and does it change much when she lives with you part of the year?
By not drawing SS do you mean Medicaid or just SS retirement? I did not know you could refuse SS retirement, but I do think it's best to put it on auto deposit.
I'm glad that my mother gave me and not her husband both medical and durable POA for he would have made bad decisions both medically and financially. I'm also glad that upon her mother's death that my mother invested in a long term health care plan back in 1996 which is helping greatly with her nursing home care. It will be sad if her nursing home stay eats up everything she has, but she's in the right place for both herself and everyone else. Last Thanksgiving, we ate a nice meal with her and my step-dad. This year, she's survived a stroke and a broken hip; really struggled with the idea of needing to leave home, and since April has been in a nursing home. She made a slight come back in walking after the stroke, but she's not even tried to work with PT since the hip. She's much like her own mother once her hip was broker in that she just basically laid down and died. Right now, I and my step-siblings are working on 4 of the 5 years of unfilled IRS and State taxes we just learned about this year. It alone has the possibility of wiping them both out, forcing the selling of their house and the house at the beach, etc. My step-siblings are both much healthier and well off than either me or my wife are in, but like us have children in college and high school. However, I'm an only child and along with my wife have been on full disability from work of any kind since 2003.