My mother is a black hole, sucking everything I am into it.

Thank you for sharing! I’ve been taking care of my mother for 8 years and I’m fighting feeling resentment.

I feel your pain. I have been going through this for years and my mother doesn't even live with me. She has lived with us on and off, but she's two miles away and even dealing with her as I do has pushed me to the limit. She's a bottomless pit of demands and criticism.

I hope you know that it's not you, that it's the situation and that virtually everyone would respond similarly.

I got really sick in February and thought I had COVID and could die and all I could think was that I was so angry at myself for wasting the last twenty years of my life caring for someone who is literally impossible to please. That was a wake-up call.

You deserve a life.

Seriously, I could have written this! It's coming up on 4 years caring for my mom (she'll be 94 in September). I'm certainly not without faults, but the best part of me was always my compassion, caring and patience ... Yet whenever I've tried to explain why things she says hurts me, I hear "If you weren't SO sensitive about everything". or "You take things wrong cuz you're TOO sensitive".

She is narcissistic, negative, judgemental and mean, yet she sees herself as a wonderful person.

I've pretty much "toughened up" around her ... Definitely lost any compassion towards her. No JADE has become my mantra (justification anger defensiveness explanation) I take care of her needs but try to distance myself from her emotionally.

Good luck to you and although I don't usually post, thanks to everyone on here, you help me know I'm not alone!

I feel exactly the same with my husband. I do not want to put him in a home but I am barely getting by emotionally and physically. I know what you are going through.

First, ginormous hug for you. Second, accept your red flags and act accordingly NOW! I am saying “accept” because we can ‘know’ things for years, a lifetime, but we cannot make necessary changes, or get over something until we accept the reality of it. Knowing=excuses; Accepting=actions. I have known my mother is a poisonous, black hole to me for a long time; and after 12 years and 2 rounds of self sacrifice of my entire life, sanity and soul, I have finally accepted that she will continue to destroy me as long as I allow her to no matter what I do or don’t do, no matter that I am her only child, and no matter how evil and wrong she is for doing what she does to me- I do not understand why she does these things to me and I never will because I do not roll the way she rolls, thank God. I do not have to understand it- I have to get away from it because I am not comfortable with nor do I like how I feel around it. If one doesn’t like the feel of a thong, one wears a bikini or brief, right? Well, my mother is a g string that’s about 2 sizes too small, therefore, I must find something that fits me better and I am moving into cheeky boy shorts next week! Woo hoo!
My mother does not have dementia or Alzheimer’s, she is very much in control of her mental faculties, which are selective and able to instantly be adjusted as per specific situations and those who are present; the only thing that is consistent is the unfavorable results her actions have on me. She knows exactly what she does, she is a professional victim and master manipulator. That makes it worse and has prolonged me from getting away from her because I just cannot believe why and what she does , I am her daughter! And that does not matter a damn to her, and she will continue to destroy me if I continue to let her. It is and has been a losing battle for years, one I will never understand other than understanding that I have a choice to let it continue by staying, or choosing what is best and getting away from the situation. We can only control and change ourselves , please do not waste all the time I did feeling guilty or making excuses, see things for what they are listen to your mind and body. And to the wonderful wise amazing family embracing you here on this forum and go forth my friend.

susan xoxoxo

I feel your pain. I am one of seven children and get NO help with this awful woman living with me who once was a loving mother. My siblings do not call or visit her. I can barely stand being in the same room with her. She lives with me because the memory care facilities have become so expensive, (My dad was in one for 2 1/2 years before he died from Alzheimer's disease.) There are days that I feel my mother has sucked every bit of life out of me and I can't function. My own children were never this demanding! I feel numb all day because I don't know what awful thing she is going to say next to me.

My mom was going to a day program at a large assisted living facility until the Covid-19 shutdown. If you can find a day program, it will give you a little bit of a break. Plus, you will only need to feed her dinner and deal with the complaints about food only once a day.

You are not alone.

It was a step I needed to make with my mother, placing her in a home. For her well being and safety along with my sanity and marriage!!!! That became so much more. It gave her some what of a social life with others around her, besides me, all the time. Activities. She enjoyed the attention of all the caregivers. It was the best decision I could have made and it brought my marriage back to normal. I had not abandoned her, because I still over saw her care. I had inhanced hers. Don't wait to save yourself!!!

You don't want to put her in a home, you say because THAT would be the end of her. Well... I have to say this. I work in home health care and have for 25+ years taking care of mostly the demented. I have heard since I started in this caregiving of these people that they want to stay in their homes and by people saying THAT, we obviously assume by that statement that THAT is what is THE BEST FOR THEM. Well... I got news for you! NO, STAYING IN YOUR HOME IS NOT ALWAYS THE BEST SOLUTION. AND A GREAT MAJORITY OF THE TIME IT IS NOT THE BEST SOLUTION FOR THEM. Why? GOD made us to thrive in social conditions. He made us social creatures. IOW. we do NOT do well.... we then decline, or however you wish to put it, when we are alone. Here is my 25+ years of experience. Many insist on "staying in my own home where I have been for the past 40-70+ years". And then they end up "hibernating" there. Usually the ONLY people they ever see is family and their caregivers who usually are NOT family and this puts a huge strain on those family members to "get over there and keep them company". I have taken care of hundreds of people most of them in their homes and some in facilities whether it is in independent living, assisted living or nursing homes and by far, those in facilities do so much better while in a facility. Why? Those in facilities are around others. They go play bingo together, card games, reading clubs, read the newspaper in the reading room with others sitting there also; there are movies played for them, all kinds of activities they can go to such as, "Scholar Scoop" where people come in like a "rock guy" who brings in his various rocks to explain them, or the fiddler who plays and dances; or the accordion guy, or the band, and the scoop part.. ice cream is served. They have a choir also they can join. Of course, church services of various denominations are offered. Young people come in and host various goings on. The residents can sign up for going "out" on the bus for outings. And here is one of the best things...residents are NOT alone while eating. While in independent living my clients can go to whatever mealtimes they want but don't have to. And when they don't, you can bet one of their "buddies" is going to wonder where they are and usually check up on them when they don't show up more than once! While in assisted living, they have to go unless they are sick. Being in your own home? Yeah... eating alone is always great, right? The ONLY one there is your caregiver. No wonder those in their homes don't want to eat... suffer from depression... and start declining. Please DO NOT believe the hype that living in your own home is really living because much of the time, it is just the opposite. Yes... there are great memories "in that home" but...they can make other and great memories, great friends living their last years somewhere else. Families are great BUT they cannot meet all that person's needs. Many times these elderly do EXPECT their families to meet all their needs and this is when things start going down hill. Resentment by the family members builds up... and then anger creeps in. If you can, whether they like it or not and most don't like it, at first...but soon they do like it...get them into a facility for THEIR sanity and well being. They need this as much as you. GOD bless. Hope this helps.

On my goodness ... it’s very hard I know I moved in with my mom 3 years ago to over see her and assure her she is safe ... she still has her faculties to take care of herself... her narcissism however precludes any type of loving care... this is how I cope... first I am acutely aware she is sick behaviorally ... narcissistic behavior disorder is a sickness so I accept it, I look past it, I do not engage, (this is the key), I wear ear plugs to buffer the sounds of her daily ranting and insults and gas lighting... I have a few friends I can confide in to share my frustrations... our living situation is ideal .. we have separate living spaces so I’m lucky I can be in the house and never see her... I observe her, I’m aware of her and presently she does not “need me”... but she’s 84... I have an outside interest in riding and taking care of horses which help tremendously we also have a boarding stable and people come and go daily which distracts her ... I feel your pain and know this I love my mom, I don’t like her and that’s ok... I’m here for her personal health needs for when the time comes and I tolerate her otherwise ... I nod my head and agree with her and smile... she forgets what she says....I do not I engage in anything I can’t agree with... it’s like raising a 6 year old ...and I don’t take it personally ... the only difference is she’s not 6 she’s an adult and I’m way past the ideal of her ever being the mom I would love... that shipped sailed decades ago... good luck... take care of yourself first, family second and then her💙

You are feeling the way you do because it is impossible to live with any addict or with any demented person. Age has nothing to do with it and the fact this is your mother has nothing to do with it.I sympathize deeply. I am 86 and I cannot live with my very ill and demented 65 year old daughter.May God have mercy!

I’m sorry you feel that way. I truly understand. When I read this I instantly started crying. I take care of my mom as well it has changed my life completely. I am a compassionate and passionate person. I’m not surprised that God chose me. I’m doing the best I can. I feel like this is what I’m supposed to do. My mom took care of me. I think you’re a wonderful person to take care of your mom. But make sure you take care of yourself and your spirit as well. When your mom is sleep, though you may be tired. Stay up late some evenings and have a candle light dinner with your husband. I don’t know how old your children are or if you have siblings reach out for more help.

"I don't want to put her in a home. I know that that will be the end of her. But if I keep her here with me it will be the end of me."

You don't know that that would be the end of her. In fact I very much doubt it. Many seniors survive quite well in "homes".

Anything, and I mean anything, that will be the end of you has to be changed.

Anything - even looking after your mother in your own home.

Anything - especially something that is destroying you and your marriage and your family, who deserve to be your first consideration.

Please get some help for yourself regarding your pain and your priorities. ((((((hugs)))))

My Mom has been living with me 20+ years. She’s pretty much the same. She has always had clinical depression. She is very selfish, narcissistic & manipulative. I’ve been able to deal with it all by tuning it out. I change the subject. Watch a movie with her. Have a dessert. Kind of like raising children. Mom can’t be placed in a facility with this virus floating around. I know I have a lot more patience than most. It’s just truth. It’s been hard & a test!

First I have to comment on your descriptive writing. I certainly would not want to see or hear of that creativity being sucked into a black hole!

As a caregiver one of the things you need to do is take care of yourself first. I include personal safety, emotional safety / mental safety in that.
As an adult you also have to take care of your family.
Yes your mom is family but you left your parent's household and started your own. (cue Circle of Life music) This is the family you have to care for first.
Place your mom in Memory Care.
She will get the care she needs.
She will be safe.
You can become a daughter first and an Advocate second and lastly a caregiver.

By the way I bet there are a lot of caregivers that feel this way but not a lot either admit it or are able to put it into words as descriptively as you did.

First you are NOT alone and I have often said that putting Mom in a home will hasten her end but we know that time is coming. Then I remind myself that she told me years ago that she didn’t want to get to the point my grandmother did, bedridden at home with my mom caring for her, she didn’t want to drag out her life if she wasn’t able to live it. Her plan was to walk out into the woods during a cold winter day and curl up and go to sleep under a tree, my mom has always been able to sleep anywhere and at the drop of a hat. I was horrified at the time and have often feared she would just do this but I get it now, I really do.

I don’t have any idea if this sucking the room behavior is who your mom has always been or a new thing either in her aging process or perhaps since moving in with you and it could be a combination but if it’s partly who she’s always been she’s going to be just as happy anywhere she has people to take care of her and professionals who don’t have the emotional baggage are going to be much better at it anyway. Is what situation is doing to you, your family and her what mom would have chosen 10 years ago, crystal ball type vision?

Maybe whatever the angle your mom (not just you) would be better off with non related professional caregivers and access to her peers around. Maybe it isn’t ideal and maybe it will shorten her life but maybe that isn’t as bad a thing as it feels to us their children. Especially if it increases their quality of life and I consider repairing relationships an important part of that, we often seek to repair strained relationships at end of life. I know I would much prefer to pass happier than older and my families happiness contributes to mine. While your sanity and happiness is certainly intertwined, stop thinking about it solely that way. Maybe a change in the current situation would be better for mom too, enabling you to go back to enjoying your time with her, your kids to Create happier memories and mom as well in return. Again I don’t know all the details and I absolutely understand the gut that says you need to keep her home to live out her life but your home isn’t really her home, I mean the one she had her independence in and in some ways not living with family May give them back that independence of their own home space but even if it doesn’t I don’t think it’s always the case that a parent moving into their child’s family’s home ever really considers it “their home” and if they are moved to a facility when they ask to go home it isn’t their child’s home they are thinking about, it may be their childhood home, the home they raised their children in or the last one they lived in with a spouse or by themselves, we just assume they mean the “home” they last lived.

Just food for thought, there are many other factors I know to deciding where a parent needs to or can live, I just don’t want you transferring her needs into guilt about your unhappiness. Hang in there.

Don't undetestimate the damage this can do! I know how you are feeling and because you have acknowledged it, you are on the way to a resolution. It will not kill your mum to go into a care home and it might just save you and your marriage. None of it is your fault , nor can you fix anything to her satisfaction. Getting old is hard but you might be surprised how resilient your mother can be when it is needed. Take lots of care of you and yours xx

You're definitely not alone. Have you even looked at a local long term care facility? I work at a private pay assisted living and memory care facility. My mom is a resident there. I think you alone should look into one. I know right now you can do a virtual visit due to Covid-19. But you can get a brochure that has prices and floor plans and a list of things provided for the resident. Your mom will fight you on this, (most families experience that) but once they see that there are people her own age and stories to tell, new residents usually fit right in and are happy this decision was made. My mother was exactly like yours. Except my mom is wheelchair bound and her dementia has her spiraling right now. She is 90. And I am so glad I have her in a safe environment where there are aides and RN's who know exactly how to help their residents. I really think you'll find yourself once again. Even if you don't move her to a facility, the fact that you know for yourself what is truly out there, you'll be glad you're presented with all the information. I wish you better days ahead. I was on Xanax 3 to 4 times a day. My entire digestive system is such a mess because of my mother and dealing with her nasty self. She's always been that way, and with me being the oldest, I was the one who got her vile temper and accusations. One of the nice things about dementia and the facility is that she doesn't remember what she was like, and she has adapted. It's been better for me. Do this for you my friend.

I hate when people use the "she carried me to birth" or "they supported me" arguments for shaming/guilt purposes. Some of us have a parent who probably would have terminated the pregnancies with us had they been able to at that time. After birthing us they ignored us or worse abused us.

If you know what I mean, we don't "owe" anything to that parent. Most of us already spent a lifetime catering to that parent at great cost to our own lives so any "debt" some people think everyone (wrong, not everyone) has to their parents is more than cleared.

We need all our energy now to heal ourselves so we can finally have an ounce of mental peace before we die. (and as some of us know, that fight to make ourselves feel worthy is a 24/7 nightmare)

Caregiving is not for wimps, which you definitely are not. Some people have difficult personalities or difficult physical needs that make it hard to caregive 24/7/365. That might be why residential facilities came about, a place where care is given and workers get built-in respite, their off time from work. I figure when resentment builds that something needs to change. It may mean that I need to figure out different ways of dealing with a problem behavior. Usually, it means I need respite or another caregiver - or 2 - to help bear the load. I agree; caregiving can suck... and it can also have moments of good times.

I am hanging on a slender thread & feel for & am thankful for you all here . May the good Lord bless, guide & comfort & give us all strength. I hate the times I fear & hate my mom when she is attacking me for she has dementia & accuses me of not being me. Then I pray God forgive me & feel so guilty when she is over it.

I understand you completely. My mother is the same way but she lives by herself. She is 82 years old and when she calls me, which is about 5 times per day, she expects me to constantly pick up the phone whenever she has a thought or anything to say. She is a bully, even in her old age and she too takes away from me any kindness or compassion I used to feel. I keep her at a distance now, because after all these years, I see that she is a narcissist and only wants to be served. My life is important and I want to live a happy life without my mother on my back to serve her needs. We were never close anyhow, because of her narcissistic ways, and she is not emotional. She just talks a lot and likes to fill her void with talk. Thank God she lives by herself because she cannot live with any of her children with the way she acts. Perhaps you can get a place for your mother to live on her own, even if it is by you, with other older people so she has her own
thing going on and you can be more free!

Well, they carried me for nearly a couple of decades from birth, I don't confuse what the rest of society does to you during & after. I don't regret for a moment the last 2 years of Dad's or of Mom's dog's lives that she left for us departing 7 years back. One thing I learned, what's on this side stays here, whatever time on this planet is nothing compared to the eternity & reward for the other side. As I both observe & participate as 2020 continues to unfold, I'm almost jealous of what they never had to put up with. I can't imagine what they went thru, but I remember these words from Dad. "I don't want it anymore." I could see it wasn't so much the day to day of what the world was dishing out, it was more his declining health and what pain he was dealing with. I'm honored that I was able to give him every moment to pass away with those he cared about most, live out his final breaths under his own roof and leave on those terms. He seemed more concerned about the rest of us. As I lived ith him, I could see between him & the dog it was a battle of wills & loyalty to be by each other's side. They both carried each other thru 5 years after Mom's passing. You know, if I could've given the 3 of them enough of the end of my time bank, I would've made that deal without any reservations, without hesitation.

Hello ouroldhouse. Thank you for sharing. As soon as I read the first line I immediately knew what you were experiencing. I too have a black hole parent. Many on this forum do. I have been caring for a parent for 13 years but not in my home. My parent still lives in our family home. She cannot take care of it. So I do. She cannot take her meds correctly. So I have to monitor that, daily, she cannot cook for herself, so I do. She cannot drive or organize her needs, so I do, she cannot do her banking or bill paying, so I do. I could go on but I’m sure you get it. Remember I said 13 YEARS. I have had many health issues since taking care of my parent. It’s all stress related. This is a ridiculous demand on one person. It’s easy for others to say they don’t regret it. But their time is over. And who knows how extensive and demanding their parent was. You can’t compare situations or experiences. Each one is so different. For me, I will never have my mom in my home. Many Assisted living and independent living facilities are beautiful. My MIL was very happy and adjusted quite well after a few weeks. So please don’t continue to submit to this. You deserve a life. Your husband deserves a wife, your children deserve a mom.

Thank you for posting your feelings. It’s important to get them out. You’re not asking for advice, but I agree with IAmAmy... think back before her decline- would she want this for you?
You might surprise yourself if you put mom in assisted living- she would make friends, have others to relate to, activities. And you could find your way back to happiness. It could be the best thing you could do for her and your family!

I’m glad I’m not alone. I feel the same way about my mother. Out of 3 siblings, I’m the main care taker. My mother is in AL, but will have to move soon, due to finances. She doesn’t acknowledge anything I do for her and will argue with me about everything! I try to keep in mind that it’s the disease (Alzheimer/dementia), but it doesn’t hurt any less.

Oh, you are sooo not alone.  Do not feel guilty.  Taking care of another adult is mentally and physically exhausting.  I have read some of the other responses and I too placed my mother in assisted living.  There are some beautiful places now and offer much more than we can in our homes.  Beauty salons, podiatrist visits, socialization with people their own age, etc.   I visit regularly and still manage her finances, wash her clothes, etc.. but it is less stressful than being with her 24/7.  Maybe you could look around and see what is available in your area....

Take care.

You have not said if your mother is difficult and ungrateful or if care taking and lack of privacy are just too disruptive. Either way, if you resent this situation too much, you need to find a facility for her.

We hear you loud and clear. This is so common. Big virtual hug.

Now...let's get our heads screwed on right.

1. A home will most certainly NOT be the end of her. I thought the same thing. I was told by someone wonderful at the Council on Aging that my mom would adjust. She did. Visit some places. Talk to the staff. Ask their advice and ask for help with the transition. You'll be pleasantly surprised.

2. No, none of us are alone in this situation--but then we are alone in the house with them. So, GET OUT! Walk, run, bike, job, Get buff! Caregivers need to be strong. It sounds like such a cliche but start anew hobby. Read. Sew. Knit. Embroider.

3. Remember this--caring for the aged is LONG and SLOW. It goes on and on. My mom has been in a home for about eight years but I have been caring for my husband for ten also. He is still home and I am the cook, shopper, medicine woman, manager of Everything. I loathe support stockings. You have to change something in your situation to make it bearable, even enjoyable if you can. This is the long haul, believe me.

Keep in touch. Good luck!

My mother passed away on March 29 at 91 after an almost 5 year battle with dementia/Alzheimer’s. The bulk of the caregiving was on me, one of two daughters, along with other caregivers. The few times my mother was in a facility was only for rehab and she did not fare well those times. I made the decision to keep her home throughout her journey. She had hospice at home for the last year. There were many bad times but there were also good times. I thought I would never have a life again. I slept there 3 to 4 nights a week for 14 months. My dad, at 96 is now living at home alone and I am now back-and-forth for him along with a few helpers. Yes, it is hard to dedicate your life to this. But I can assure you, I have not one ounce of regret that I put my life on hold for my mother. She was someone that was always there for her own parents and others. So now I’m doing this for my father. You know how the saying goes...This too shall pass. It does eventually. I still carry her in my heart and miss her so very much. There’s nothing else I can say to you which will help you to do the right thing. I’ve been told by a few people that I was my mother’s angel. I don’t look at it that way. I just knew In my heart I had to because she was always there for me. Best of luck to you In whatever you decide.

Think about your mom as she was before her decline. Is this the life she would want for you?
If you let this go on and lose your family, you’ll have no one to blame but yourself.
There is help out there for both of you.