Follow
Share
Read More
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
1 2 3
I was the caregiver for my mom, as I was the only child. It was hard, but my mom was a sweetheart, and I'd do it again. However at the same time, my mother in law lived with us too. She was a quad, and in her 70's. She made life very difficult with her care. She had a caregiver from 8:30 til 12:00, M-F. The last year of her life was extremely difficult, and I became bitter at my out of state sister in law. She wasn't in the proverbial trenches as I was. She would fly in when I couldn't handle anymore, stay a few days, and go back to her life. And then she'd get all the praise about how wonderful she was.. It's different when you're in the actual day to day care. I'm betting that the sister doesn't want to be lashing out, and then apologizing. I know I didn't want to feel bitter about the situation. I'm relieved it is finally all behind me, But what a tough few years it was.
(7)
Report

i am an only child and my mother is in an AL facility now. I used to wish that I had a sister (brothers tend to absolve themselves from any responsibility) to share decisions etc with, but now I realize that I’m lucky. It might be more work, but there are no resentments or disagreements to deal with. I know what I have to do and I do it. So for those of you who bear all of the responsibility, pretend you’re an only child and proceed the best way you can. Tell your sister that she can relinquish her duties and you will take over from long distance. In the end I’m sure she will relent and continue to do what she’s doing.
(2)
Report

Needing a stand-by person for safety when getting in and out of the shower, is one ADL Activity of Daily Living, that will meet the criteria of the VA's Aid & Attendance program. She only needs 2 to be eligible. Surely at 93 your mom would meet one other of the ADLs. There are a number of good organizations that help people who are eligible for veterans benefits, to access those benefits. I would suggest talking to a Service Officer of your area's American Legion, VFW, etc. these organizations have service officers who help families apply for and get different VA benefits for their family member. Both veterans and their spouses are usually eligible for a number of benefits. The Aid & Attendance benefit provides over a thousand dollars a month toward assisted living to a veteran's widow and closer to 2k per month if she actually is a veteran herself (was she a WAC, a WAV, etc.). There are also organizations like A Place For Mom that will help you with these ins & outs. Talk directly with her building's management too. It's possible she wouldn't even have to move but if she did it sounds like she could still be on the same campus. The director there will be experienced with what different companies' policies require to meet the qualifications to activate a policy, and also with the VA. You need to be on a first name basis with two or three people in the office there to work on getting these benefits activated. In the meantime until they are approved see what kind of services they can offer in-house on an ala carte basis. I'm sure many many families have been in similar situations where their family member needs the policies activated but the policy company or govt is making it difficult, you won't be the first person to need help with this. The Aid & Attendance I think may even require active use of help with two ADLs for 6 months before they will approve. See if your mom's building will provide that help and show it officially in her care plan and billing that can be used as proof to the VA. They might offer free 2 ADL helps for 6 months or a year or allow it to be billed now but paid later because they know the VA wants to see it to approve it.
When you are arranging rides to doc, etc. it seems her building should provide it, but if for whatever reason they do not, tap into the VA and the non-VA service organizations, her town or county's local senior services dept, etc. Some run a van around town for seniors to get to appts etc. or have volunteers providing one on one rides etc.
Also keep in mind the Veterans Homes in your state. That would be skilled nursing level care and veterans, veterans widows, veterans disabled children, and Gold Star family members all eligible to reside there. My dad was in a veterans home for two years and many people there didn't seem to have too much wrong except some physical frailty, and probably just help staying on an even keel and not having to deal with shopping, cooking, chores, getting to docs, and fighting bill collectors and insurance on their own.
(1)
Report

I don't know if your sister is a drama queen but it does take a heavy toll having to be mostly responsible for the needs of an elderly parent. Sounds like you've helped all you can. I've been there and sometimes I was very frustrated that my adult siblings would not or could not pitch in and help. Plus my mother had various family members taking advantage of her dementia so I had to battle with them too. From what you've described, it sounds like your mother may be ready for assisted living. You mentioned VA assistance. You might go ahead and apply for Aide and Attendance. This could be an additional funding source to help finance her care. I did this for my mother and it was fairly easy to get her approved. Also, I've recently read that some life insurance policies can be converted into long term care funds. If she has more than one life insurance policy, it may be worth researching. The point is, she might possibly have additional resources to pay for her care. I would also look into licensed residential elderly care homes. My mother is in one of these homes and we're very happy with her care. It's a very nice group home environment for the elderly. These homes are typically less expensive then the large corporation owned facilities and they are staffed by nurses and HHA 24/7. They may also have visiting physicians and podiatrist. Visiting home health care services are also ordered if needed. Good luck to you.
(2)
Report

So sad. I would be devastated too if I lost my sister over this. I’m so sorry. My mom has dementia and one of my sisters lives out of state. To say I don’t have any resentment towards her would be a lie. However, if she did all the things that you do from afar I would not feel this way at all. Handling our loved ones finances, insurance, senior living facility matters, home care, etc. is extensive. What you do is HUGE. If I could be relieved of most of those things I’d be thrilled and be so thankful to my sister. Then I could just focus on taking care of my mom. And the fact that you leave your life for 4 months each year is amazing. It’s not your fault that COVID exists. So bottom line you shouldn’t feel guilty nor should your sister treat you this way. It takes a village to care for a parent and if you can do all those things from afar, you are certainly doing your part. Now having said all this, I know first hand what it’s like to be burdened every day with the responsibility of an elderly parent. It’s a lot and it can cause a lot of frustration, anger and even depression. I’m sure your therapist told you this and that your sister is just taking everything out on you. Some people handle the responsibility better than others. And if this has been going on for many years, she probably is burned out. Keep doing what you’re doing for your mom and it’s most likely that someday after your sister is relieved of this responsibility, she’ll realize her I’ll-behavior towards you and apologize. Best of luck!
(0)
Report

I went thru very similar conflicts with my siblings about my mom and we live in same state. Please be warned..i do not want to offend you but I am going to give an unbiased opinion from someone who has lived a similar reality. Hopefully it will help u see things from both sides and mend the relationship with her. From what you describe, You have it much easier than sis. Your sister is bearing the brunt of the responsibility. Period. Please acknowledge that with yourself and more importantly to her. It will help. I have full responsibility for caring for mom for past 3 years. There have been alot of tears,stress,pressure, sadness along the way for me. I've lost myself and life as I knew it. Your sis is probably feeling the same. It's the toughest thing to deal with. I no longer use home health aides due to covid and my mom lives with me. I didn't want the exposure. Sometimes it's to the point where I don't know how I will make it thru each day... she has dimentia..Its caused tons of arguments and hurt feelings with my siblings, then they both passed away suddenly last year. I miss them and wish I had the time back to do it differently for sale of the relationship with them. Since I live your sisters reality...I have to keep it real with you from her perspective. If you are in another state and truly want to share responsibility for mom, volunteer to have her stay with you part of the time. For example..she visits you during summer for a few months a year. It will give your sis a much needed break..and you can experience some of what she deals with because until you experience it, you have no idea what it takes. Making calls and handling finances from a distance pales in comparison to being the one there in person. The stress and pressure of caring for aging parents can take over a person's life. Also, is it fair to override her desire for what happens to mom if you aren't the one dealing with it in person? If you don't want her in assisted living then perhaps offer to have her move near u. Also I think covid is not a good excuse not to see your mom, sorry. The home aides are not part of her household so she is facing potential exposure everyday..so is your sis by default. You just have to be extra careful. I can also understand why she was offended when you asked the aides about your mom status behind her back instead of her. You are playing backseat quarterback and she's the one on the field taking all the hits....if you do right by your sis and offer more support, you will have her back.
(9)
Report

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss, the loss of your sister, a person who used to be a friend and partner to you in this. And I am so happy to hear to are getting counseling that you feel has been beneficial to you. I wish for your sister, that she would do the same, to be able to vent to an objective person that would help her find clarity about why she’s so angry & frustrated, and help her understand her expectations and what part of the situation she does have control over. My guess is she is also grieving the loss of your mother as she used to be, and it shows up through her anger and frustration.

Secondly, (and I hope your counselor has pointed this out to you) you ARE helping out. Dealing with your mom’s financial affairs and trying to find transportation for her while long distance is huge! And therefore, it’s something that your sister does not have to deal with. Most cities and towns have a senior services organization that might be able to help with community resources. Would you be willing to find some of those resources that might help your sister out? Could a home health care provider type person take your mom to doctors appointments? When my mom was living out of state, and was able to get herself to the doctor, but not able to tell me what was discussed (due to her dementia), the doctor and I decided to do a conference call between her and myself while my mom was in her office. That helped a lot, as I could ask questions, take notes, be aware of next steps that needed to be taken. Not ideal, but it worked well for us.

I wish you and your sister the best in trying to work together to share the often overwhelming responsibilities you are taking on. It really is not forever, though it often seems that way. Bless you both on all you both do for your mom!
(2)
Report

Moms 93! When are you going to use LTC policy? Say mom is forgetful and it’s a Saftey issue you are worried about. Forget ADLs say she left the gas on the stove and you are afraid she is going to hurt herself or others nearby. Get the 24/7 care in their for her and this will give your sister her life back. I know how she feels I was that sister. The daily phone calls on what she wants and needs the constant running over to fix this get that it’s haunting and I felt like I did it alone. Only thing is I have a brother who lives out of state. During COVID aids wouldn’t come to the house and I own a Pharmacy and had to stay open and all my workers didn’t want to come in so I had to work open to close 7 days a week and after much arguing with my brother to come in to help me. He was afraid of COVID thing and giving it to our mom. I said you have the ability to work from home so come here and stay at moms house and work from here and give me a hand with mom. He finally left his family and came here for 2 weeks to help. Let me tell you he finally realizes what I have gone through for the past two years. Now when we talk the conversations are much better and I am not bitter towards him anymore. While he was here I was able to set up the LTC 24/7 aids to watch over my mom. She is still not happy strangers are watching her she would rather be by herself or have me or my brother but that can’t be. I hear martyr theories on this forum and it bothers me. Your sister feels like she’s doing it all alone. She is nasty with you cause she is miserable. Some of the worse things I said to my brother was during the time of Covid. He said can’t you pay aids to watch mommy while you work. When I said no one wants to work and the agency said don’t you have family that could step up and help you that’s when he finally came in to help me. She may just want you to be next to her for a while and make some decisions so she doesn’t FEEL like she is doing this alone. Mom qualified for LTC and I have aids there 24/7. The daily care is off my shoulders but it’s not gone. Get everything of value out of your mind house because it gets stolen. Just this week I had exterminator come cause now she had roaches. The weekly shopping I still do and doctor appts and such I still take care of. I set up her medication pill holders every week. Every headache body aches rash itch phone call still comes to me. It’s still a lot but not overwhelming misery like it was before. If you want things better with your sister she has to feel like you are there for her and she doesn’t feel that. She’s miserable now and I’m sure just not taking it out on you. I lashed out on everyone. Doing moms finances are the easy part trust me I do that too. If you want to save relationship with sister you need to step up and do something or their will be resentment because she feels all alone doing something she doesn’t want to do.. I cried many nights feeling all alone. This forum helped me feel less alone and get rid of guilt more than my brother did. I wish you well.
(10)
Report

Accounting is much easier than taking care of a 93 year old loved one. Switch roles with your sister. Your 'vent' will be a different story.
(10)
Report

I’m a little confused why you would talk to an aide. Long distance care doesn’t work. If your mom is in a facility, that would relieve a lot of burden for your sister and yourself, although probably not possible now with covid.
Your post reminds me of my out of town sister. She used to have many theoretical answers but has come to realize over time not to assume.
I’m caring for elderly parents both nearly 90. They live independently but need a lot of assistance. I am gifted funds and am appreciative of that but it is hard hard emotionally to be in this position.
Support your sister with gift cards to restaurants and other places to make her life a bit easier.
i have a number of siblings that live nearby but always busy with their own lives. One tries while another is really missing in action, other than phone calls. I’ve learned to let it go but not been easy, especially when an email full of criticism arrives in my inbox.
For all the siblings not involved in daily care of your parents, support that one sibling who is. There are ways. Just get creative.
(7)
Report

It sounds like both you and your sister are going through a lot. No doubt hands on dealing with an aging parent takes a lot out of a person and I think your sister is feeling very overwhelmed and frustrated. It must be hard for her in the midst of it all to see clearly. Your Mom has LTC insurance and potential VA benefits AND she’s 93. I think it’s time for assisted living. If she can’t afford the facility that her independent living apt is attached to then find somewhere that she can afford. Obviously your sister can’t physically and mentally do what’s she’s been doing anymore. You are unable to help any more than you are. End of story. Stop trying to convince your sister that you are already helping. Just make the changes that need to happen.
(3)
Report

Hello Sister, I can relate my sister and I do not speak anymore and were best friends growing up. My sister is very controlling and now POA I want to help but I am not allowed she does not even share their medical care with me. I feel so helpless and angry..mainly hurt. I am not sure I will even go to the funeral my dad picked her as POA without talking to me about it. I would suggest to visit more covid or not at least your sister wants your help.
(0)
Report

I think it’s very admirable that you handle your mom’s finances and that you gave up months of your time in past years to help your sister and your mom. But I have been in your sister’s shoes and I know know how caretaking can completely take over a persons life. Even when you helped for months, you knew you when you would go back to your regular life. Your sister feels like she cannot leave it. My sister would come for one week per year, sometimes 2. It was great while she was here, but I always knew that the bulk of responsibility was on me. I always FELT like the responsibility fell on me and I had no choice even though intellectually I knew I did.

For so many years, my siblings and others would say our parents were able to live independently, when they really were not. I was making deliveries, driving them to appointments, my husband was called regularly to help them get up from a fall. That is not living independently. My mother got terribly ugly with me at times when she was upset because of their physical and mental decline. Caretaking is physically and mentally exhausting. And covid has amped up the stress considerably.

When my mom entered al last year after a fall, it was really difficult at first. But after a few months, I realized I was actually enjoying spending time with her. Now that every conversation doesn’t involve an ever-increasing to-do list for me, I can see what a wonderful mother I have.

When I look back at how stressed and overwhelmed I have been these past several years, I know I have felt resentment toward my siblings and I am afraid I’ve been snippy with them at times. I’m so sorry. I realize that they simply couldn’t understand what I was going through.

It hit me like a ton of bricks when we were all on a group text and I had explained that I had a full weekend of unexpected chores to do at our parents house. They immediately laid out their plans of concerts and social activities. Twice I asked them to come help when one of our parents was in the hospital but both said they had to work. Never mind that I had just started a new job and have taken tons of days off in the last 12 years to take our parents to appointments, surgeries, and other hospital stays.

My siblings are not insensitive clods. They simply had no idea how much the comments could hurt when I felt like I didn’t have the luxury of planning fun activities for myself or my family due to constant emergencies with our aging parents.

several times one of my siblings has questioned my decisions about our parents. That really hurts. Please talk to your sister about what should be done for your mom, but please try to listen to her. It’s perfectly ok for you to set boundaries to protect yourself and not allow her to lash out at you. But please don’t withdraw your support just yet. You will both need each other soon.
(4)
Report

I'm your sister. Or was, when my mother was alive. My sister lived out of state and went completely awol when both of my parents were falling apart. When my father died suddenly, she was on a plane home literally hours after the funeral, leaving me to care for my mother and everything else. I had such rage and anger at my sister that I swore when my mother died I would never speak to her again. I too felt I had lost a sister.

What I can tell you is there is no way you can really relate to the 24/7 job that your sister is doing. Your sister is hurt and angry and overwhelmed and exhausted. Caregiving is life ALTERING. The truth is also that there can be healing. My sister and I do speak and while I cannot forget her abandonment not only of our parents but also of me, I have forgiven her and want to move on and maintain a relationship with her. We're both working on it and I know it would make my parents happy.

Here's my advice. First, tell your sister you're sorry. You know it's not fair. You want to help. Visit. A LOT. As often as you can though in these times that's tough to do. Ask her, say listen, I want to help, I want to help her, I want to help you - tell me exactly what you want me to do - give me a list. And then do it. Don't make excuses. Well, I can't do it because I'm not there. GO there, get what you need and do it. Offer to bring mom to you out of state if she's going into ALF. If your sister thinks she needs ALF, she does. End of story. Maybe you can try caring for her daily in your home before you come to a conclusion about her care. Bring her to your home. I gave my sister a list. Here's these dates can you come take care of her while I leave town? Here, can you call this person about x,y.z. Etc. She did some but not all. She offered to take my mom to her but when push came to shove she said she couldn't do it. I pretty much knew she never would.

One other thing you should know. When my mother died after I cared for her, I felt peace. I felt love and I felt that I had done everything in my human power to care for her. My sister did not, in a big way - a much bigger way then she or I anticipated. The grief process is never easy, but for my sister it has been very complicated and 6 months later, she cries everyday and is really struggling with our mother's death. At first I did want to say, you reap what you sow buttercup, but I know that's not what my mother would have wanted and as much as it's how I thought I would feel, I truly felt sorry for her. So, I do what I can to care for her and listen to her and help her in her grief journey. Something I thought I would never be capable of. I mourn my mother and miss her dearly but I have a sense of peace that my sister does not. Regardless of your sister, make sure you are in a healthy place with your mother. Don't let your feelings for your sister get in the way of what you need to do/say/live for your relationship with your mom. And hold on to hope that things can mend with your sister. Trust me, after your mom is gone, you may really want her in your life.
Best of luck to you - it's never easy.
(9)
Report

Something that nobody has brought up here is the true financial picture. You take care of the finances, your sister does the physical work. My mom turned 88 yesterday, has some dementia, but still lives by herself, for now. I am second oldest of her 7 daughters. Only two of us live in the same city, all others are out of state. I take turns with my older sister, every other day, going over to help mom. We won't let her cook anymore and she is ok with that. I handle all of mom's finances, which means being a signor on her checking and savings accounts. Since mom has money in the bank, we have set up legal documents so we both get paid for our time helping. Either we get paid or an outside caregiver gets paid. If the money runs out before mom passes away, Medicaid will still pay for help, either by us or for outside caregivers. My question is: why isn't your sister getting paid, either from your mom's money or Medicaid? It really takes the sting out of having to do so much. Our sister who is 3rd oldest, is the nastiest, most hateful person I have ever known. Most people who know her, feel this way. She is furious we are getting paid for caring for mom because she thinks she will eventually get some money from the estate, but not if it all goes for caring for mom. Too bad. It's mom's money and it should be for her care, and the caregivers should get paid. My sister and I know she is getting better care from us than she would from strangers and our mother who used to be an angry rage-a-holic, is now thankful we are taking care of her.

Have you considered paying your sister, out of your mom's money, for what she does? We have to keep accurate records of the time and activities, and might possibly have to use them to get Medicaid and VA help if she has to eventually go into a memory care facility, but so far, it's worth it. During this covid mess, the extra money has helped both my sister and myself financially. This can all be done legally, and it's only fair. It's a tough job being the physical caregiver. I know taking care of the finances is work too, but not even close to what it's like to deal with the actual caregiving.

Again, my point is about the financial aspect. Do something to help your sister get compensated for her time. Ask her if it would help her to handle it better. The help is available and it's fair.
(8)
Report

I think it is great you are doing as much as you are. My dear sister lives in another state and would visit our father 2-4 times a year for a weekend or less, with some of her family. When the person I had hired to help me with Dad (25 hrs/week) went on a 2 wk vacation, I asked family members for help and my sister was the only one who stepped up to donate a week of her time. (She works so it was personal time off.) By Thursday, she was exhausted. For the second week, I had to pay my brother to get him to fill in for the aid (he was unemployed) and he did a lousy job. So I paid my sister as well. But at least both of them got to see the level of assistance Dad needed and the aid got a raise. Walk a mile in her shoes.
(3)
Report

A another sibling whose life has gone on without any need to deal with Mom, due to the distance/being out of state. And so generous of you to handle finances and take care of making phone calls as you sit on your fanny. Do I sound bitter? I am. Because the self-centered stance has been well demonstrated by my own sibling who has offered, oh so generously, to do exactly what you have offered. I mean, logistically what else COULD she do? Her finances are not such that she could come in every month or two to help clean, and god forbid she should exert any physical energy toward a task. And moi? I am the oldest, more responsible one as is so often typical, and a daughter no less. Our mother is also somewhat independent though she gave up her personal hygiene some years back, going on 4 this coming May. She also does not brush her teeth which has resulted in significant decay, an expectation of the dementia mixed type at 98. She is maddening to live with as she thinks EVERYthing is hers. We tried a fridge lock, she defeated it, just yanked it open with all her might. She has eaten huge containers of pickles in one sitting (yes I know, it reflects her not being watched well enough or confronted by her beloved husband or me who works part time.) A couple weeks ago she demolished 1/4 of a watermelon down to the rind.
Then we have dear old dad who is 103 and deaf and ignorant. When I complained about the fridge situation in the past week, and made a comment to the effect of how I could't take it any more, he whined back "I have nerves too!" "It's the way it is. I can't do anything about it. You'll have to get used to it". I also have to put up with both of them getting into MY food. This was intolerable prior, now it is more of an issue, as I am recovering with limited appetite from a near life/death illness. Yes, that's what your dear sibling could be looking at for all she is doing/being burdened with. I was rushed to the hospital when I really really didn't feel well, and had severe, unrelenting back pain at the time. It resulted in my being taken by helicopter to the main campus of the Cleveland Clinic (cost: $47,000---think how much in -home assistance that would cover people--and no I do not have it to pay) where I underwent surgery for what is nearly always fatal (think John Ritter, Alan Thicke) an aortic disection. It has been a huge challenge to recuperate, no matter how independent my folks can be. Just one example: My mother clearly clueless to what happened to me, didn't miss me the weeks I was absent, and continues with her typical obnoxious behaviors. Notes on food like "NOT YOURS DO NOT TOUCH" are deliberately ripped off and ignored. She COULD be drinking from the bottle so it has to be trashed. SHe is taking raw eggs, I think attempting to eat them, dad thinks she is just throwing them out. We have a chair moved to be near our patio door so I can sit as I let my pup out after doing the stairs...mother moves it back, when I have very limited energy to function. AND: sibling of late BLAMES me for what happened to me for ignoring my health, avoiding MD's, I should have known I had high BP, THEY should be stuck in an Asstd Lvg (whether it's good for either and they want it, regardless of financial implications etc. Comes at me with her selfish attitude that no one expects me to sacrifice my life yadayada. ANd rubs in MOST people do not live their whole lives with their parents. Never mind that she can avoid all of this, and do nothing. Taking over the financial stuff would only add to confusion. She turns that around to say I HAVE to be in control so she knows I will not agree. To top it off when she rushed in because I was near death, she has now tallied up to the penny what SHE is owed for airfare and incidentals that came to $799.41, which included a couple meals for the folks!
(1)
Report

At first, I did hate my out-of-state siblings. I am the baby and the black sheep of the family, but when Mom, 93 now, needed care I stepped in and moved from out of state to be by her side. She has now survived 20 years! My siblings give what they are able to give, not very much. My sister gives Mom the weekly conversations filled with gossip and understanding that I am not able to give since I am with her every day, and I hate the need to talk for hours on end. My brother gives all the grief, so I'm safe from a lot of criticism. I have grown into the responsibility of caretaking and I have finally ensured that I am the decision maker. I have no complaints any longer. My fear is when Mom passes, then I am afraid there will be plenty of blame to go around all three of Mom's children, including me. More than anything, I feel so good about the love and effort I have learned to put into loving my Mom. I can feel good about Me. I could not care less what my siblings even think about me now, I'm good with myself.
(5)
Report

Hi. I am so sorry that you are having these difficulties. I do understand some of your issues as I was the out-of-state daughter for many years. You do not mention your own health or that of your sister. My mother is 96. Since your mother is 94 I would assume that you are roughly in the age range of me and my sisters. Few people under 60 really appreciate how the years rapidly change what we are able to do as we approach or pass 70. Perhaps you both are suffering from trying to do too much. It certainly sounds as though your sister needs a break. It may be a really good thing to encourage your sister to step back a bit. With COVID, you are making the right decision to not travel.

My question would be, if your Mom dresses herself, has aides who physically assist her when needed, and meets all the activities of daily living assessments, exactly what care is your sister providing? Is that care really necessary? What would happen if she simply visited your mother and did nothing but talk with her?

Although my sisters and I "care" for our mother, we mostly provide company, moral support and transportation. We are not physically able to do anything requiring lifting or other physical exertions. One sister does spend a lot more time with Mom, but it is her choice to do so. Bear in mind that nothing actually requires you to do anything at all for your aging mother, especially not as you reach the age where you may, yourself, require assistance with some of the chores you easily handled yourself 10 years ago.

The primary rule of caregiving is to take care of yourself, first. Be clear with yourself and your sister and mother what limits you have. If you are in a good place where you live and intend to stay there, make sure that it is well-understood that you are not going to move. If you are handling the finances and dealings with the bureaucracies of aging you are already doing a major job. My oldest sister, who lives further away also does this. It takes a big load off the rest of us. That sister also calls Mom every day just to keep her company. Do not let your sister belittle those contributions.

You may want to talk with a counselor about this and try to make a list of the things your are willing to take on and those you are not willing to take on, but bear in mind that as your mother will continue needing more and more you and your sister will be able to do less and less. You may want to encourage your sister to do less and let the professionals already engaged judge how your mother copes when she has a bit less support. It is easy to over-estimate how well the elderly are coping if there is a daughter doing a whole lot. Try not to let yourself be bullied by your Mom and sister and be sure to take time to appreciate your friends and neighbors. Sometimes they are more important to your overall well-being than family.
(3)
Report

I am the sister in this scenario, taking care of Mom and Dad with 4 out-of-town siblings. My out of state sister deals with all the finances, which is a huge help. Dad had Alzheimer's (he passed away this summer).
One if the really difficult parts of being a caregiver is the constant thoughts of "are they ok". Everytime my phone rings, I check to see if it's them, any hour of the day or night. If a text comes in, I look. My phone is always near. Mom is a night owl and will text me at 2 am to say she is watching a great movie! Like a parent with a newborn, my ears are tuned to hear that, and I wake up. Because sometimes the message is something serious I need to deal with. I go to my painting class or my book club and never put my phone away, because Mom might call. And she often does. Again, sometimes it's something unimportant but it could be serious. So I go to social, enjoyable things, but never get to fully relax and enjoy.
That's the day-to-day reality of caring for a parent who is "independent " and it's the kind of thing that sucks your energy out. And the thing that is really hard for an out of town family member to help with!
I suggest you get in the habit of calling your mother every, single day. Not the quick "how you doing, ok, bye" call. Have a real conversation. Ask her about, or tell her about a movie or book. Tell her about your holiday decorating. Reminisce about events from your childhood, vacations or parties or funny family stories. Let her talk all she wants, people who live alone don't talk to others enough. Let her complain to you. Spend a half hour with her. If you can do it on facetime or portal or zoom it's even better. Stop your life for 30 minutes every day to spend with your Mom.
Several good things will happen. First, you will reconnect with Mom as a person instead of a responsibility. Second, it will take some pressure off your sister, because Mom has someone else to lean on, talk to, complain to, listen to. Third, you will realize how hard it is to commit just 30 minutes a day to Mom, on your schedule and that will give you a peek into what your sister deals with daily and not at her convenience. Fourth, your sister will see you making an effort to be involved in a hands-on way. Not just doing financials and paperwork (valuable yes, but at your convenience) but by committing time to Mom personally.
The last benefit will be that you get a better grasp on Mom's true situation. This info will help down the road when arrangements need to be made for further care.
And it might make it clear that you need to find a way to get there more often. There is always way, despite distance, covid, or jobs! Check out the Family Medical Leave Act. You can get paid for time you take off work to care for a family member.
Best of luck to you.
(6)
Report

I'm in the same situation. My sister lived 30 seconds away from Mom and never went over to see her, only when she "had to". She made it clear more than once to the family that she did not want to be the care giver for our Mom. I decided to move Mom in with my family and be her sole care provider. Now my sister accuses me of spending my Mom's money and complains that she has to "go through me to get to Mom". Neither is accurate as my husband and I pay for everything and Mom has her own phone. My experience as the baby of the family is nothing I do will ever be right or good enough. I've chosen to forgive her in my heart. Sometimes I have to do this multiple times a day. I've chosen to give up allowing my sister to control me, which is her ultimate goal anyway. I value my mental freedom. I'd encourage you to find that place within yourself. Peace and grace to you!
(2)
Report

You do what you can from a distance, helping with calls and financial matters. It might be good to look into a continuous care residence where your mother can start in independent living and they will move her to assisted living, memory care or skilled nursing if she needs it? My mother is in this kind of facility and they also offered an insurance policy when she moved in to keep her monthly expenses the same, no matter which area she was in. Perhaps they could take some kind of assignment from her long-term healthcare policy. You'd have to investigate this. In the meantime I don't know why your sister is not accepting your offer of getting more help from aides to assist your sister. You have done what you can by offering this to her.
(2)
Report

It sounds like you are trying to do all the right things. If your sister “hates” you that’s on her. It sounds like she is justifiably frustrated and resentful and burnt out and taking it out on you. But you didn’t cause her problems. I have to wonder if drama permeates everything in her life?

Have you thought about having someone from the assisted living come and do an evaluation? That’s what I had to do when deciding what type of care my mother needed. I also had her primary care person review her medical needs. My mother qualified for the VA aid and attendance pension but it took six months - so I would inquire about that ASAP. The assisted living may also know about the long term care insurance.

I read briefly through some of the other responses. I know you want to support your sister. But it may be time to have the direct conversation about what is practical without the emotion. Something like, “look, I’m not moving and can’t travel safely due to Covid. You need to put your frustration aside for a bit so we can address the issues and come up with some practical solutions to help you and mom.” If she still wants to argue you might need to say something like, “arguing is not a plan - I am going have to end this conversation because we have been here before. I offered some practical solutions and you refuse to work as a team.” You might remind her that your mother is only going to continue to decline and sooner or later calm and practical decisions will need to be made.

I’m sorry you are going through all this. Let us know if anything works!
(5)
Report

This post has left me very sad. I am the "dramatic" primary care provider.
I think I'll just go decorate my Christmas tree.
(8)
Report

Just to add...no matter how much you call and do from a distance, your sister is at ground zero so to speak. She will be the one who has to deal with any immediate crisis or need. You can hang up the phone and distance a bit by virtue of you being physically "away." She cannot. She does not get that luxury. It may not seem like it, but there is a huge difference in lifestyle and emotion as a result. I am not judging you at all, and I know you are doing as much as you can from a distance. But I think you need to acknowledge that your sister has the larger burden, and make the effort to acknowledge that to her, recognize her added burdens, and continue to do what you can to help.
(11)
Report

Reconsider what the aide told you. Mom has to have help getting in and out of the tub. So she DOES require assistance. Your sister sees mom more regularly than you do, so take her word for it that she needs 'assisted' living. Basically, she is getting assistance if you have an aide attending to her. Your sister is getting the majority of the calls from mom because mom knows she is closer. So your 4 months of duty last year have expired as far as pulling the weight. With covid, perhaps your sister is more stressed than usual. Cut her some slack.
You say you could be such a good team - but team play is all about everyone doing the same amount of work to reach the goal. That doesn't appear to have ever been the case if you weren't around.

Talk to mom's doctor about an evaluation to move her to assisted living where she will get more assistance. The wording of the evaluation should put the long term care in motion. It can only help in two ways - mom gets more attention and sister feels better about the situation. Do it before you really do lose a sister. The history may have a strain in the relationship, but it's always possible to mend.
(5)
Report

I would be grateful if my sister helped as much as you are able.. My sister walked away from my folks years ago. Mom is firm on staying in her home, 3 hours from my house. At nearly 90 she is able to take care of herself and house( mostly), I realize that could change in a moment. With COVID mom has not had any Senior meetings gatherings and is quite bored and lonely. On the other hand my MIL is in an apartment in a retirement community and is not allowed out of the unit, and no one can visit... It is better for your mom to be in her own place as long as possible. If aides can help your mom and lighten the load for your sister, that is wonderful.... The loss of a sister is a hard thing... Good luck.
(6)
Report

Wow, this post really hit some nerves!

I am in a grumpy mood today 😠 & want a bulk order of common sense hats handed out on mass to the whole world.

Elders: plan now for your non-independace. Your daughters are not your servants. They may CHOOSE to help.

Sisters: if you want to be a hands-on carer, do it. If you don't then don't. Stop trying to guilt each other. What you do does not need to be matched exactly by your sister: either your live-next-door sister or your out-of-town sister. You have different talents, needs & lives. This I do more, she does nothing attitude is not helping anyone solve anything.

There. That's my rant over.

Wait. PS. If your buden is too great. Set it down & seek help. That's your responsibility. It is not up to others to read your mind & save you. Take action.

I mean no disrespect to the full-time caregivers. Your lot is indeed hard. I speak as the nearby one too. I do not expect the out-of-towner to rescue me. I must save myself.
(4)
Report

You’re grieving a lot as she is. I have found when someone loses control and escalates expansively in their emotions, that sometime silence is the best course of a response. They may want you to talk, but just say “I am listening” until she settles down. Don’t play into her crisis.
(2)
Report

Beatty said it so well. Elders should plan for their own elder years and don't be so naive to NOT realize that they, at some point, will have to raise their hands and utter the words "I could use some help." Prayers sent.
(1)
Report

1 2 3
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter