I'm tired of cooking/preparing 3 meals a day. It's just the two of us but boy oh boy can that woman eat!! She stays slimish, I get fattish. It's bad enough I do everything here much less start making her one thing and me the other. At times I feel guilty when I buy her fast food cuz of the nutritional value....not to mention I eat it too.
I drew the short straw to deal with the Medicaid issues. Neither sister wanted to do it. It’s not that anything is going wrong per se , it is that I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. That’s the way I’m wired.
All of it is happening because we sold my mothers house and my father inherited a share under the NYS per stirpes rules that needs to be paid back to Medicaid .
Just trying to get through it. Hoping when this is done it will get better for me.
I just wish my parents did some estate planning so this did not happen the way it did.
I think hubby isn't ready to open up and be vulnerable at all right now. Anger is easier. Grief counselors tell us that those grieving will often do anything to blame someone, doctors, food sources, governments, nurses, hospice, nursing homes, hospitals, and yes, even themselves. If you cannot stay angry you must walk into the despair of grief and manage your way through it. The mere thought of that is too much to face.
I would not bring things up, but just tell hubby "I am here for you. Right now it seems to me you don't want me to do anything at all for you. If that changes I am right here to support you in any way you tell me I can do that. Just let me know. I won't offer again, but know I am here supporting you best I can in my heart, and that I will always be here for you."
Then just get on it. Offer him a glass of wine. Ask if he would like to watch something on Netflix with you. Take a walk. Go to dinner. Cook him a pot roast. Anything you can think of.
So sorry this is going on. You are helpless to know how to help when he won't let you in. If he needs to do this particular thing alone right now, let him.
My husband is cancer as well and would not talk much about what bothers him, I am Leo and full of drama, sign thrives on validation, so when Leo feels like their radiant spirit has been (gasp!) upstaged, they can resort to drama.
But as they say opposites attract.
He provides good anchor for my flair.
Gershun,
So sorry, it is not easy.
Fear many will go through some drastic changes or face unpleasant events this year.
Be especially good to yourself during this sad event.
Any chance that you can give this care now over to the state?
Are you officially legally the POA or guardian? If you told us I can't recall.
I would call APS, inform them, and the facility where Dad is, that you cannot go on handling this mentally and emotionally, and are requesting state guardianship. They can get this done.
Who is paying this attorney? Is that YOU? Because that's not OK.
They cannot discharge him unsafely if he has nothing and is on Medicaid. They can't dump him on your doorstep. And they will get this Medicaid crap figured out quick enough if you say you are OUT.
Find a Social Worker there, speak to the admins there, call APS.
Get this OFF you.
I am also anxious at heart. The first year, doing and learning all I had to re my bro I would get so anxious sometimes (I always SEEM quiet and in control) that I would absolutely freeze like a statue. I mean I could not move, could not see, could not hear; just stood frozen till it passed. That sort of cortisol feel is so bad for us, so unhealthy.
Thinking of you.
I have a lawyer working on it but it’s expensive.
i can’t stand it and just wish my father would depart this life and all this would be over. The stress and anxiety killing me.
It’s been nearly two years of dealing with this crap.
Not so much at me. But just generally. For instance, we were at
my dental appt. yesterday and I started to rub his arm and he just
kind of pushed me away. He kind of curses at the world. Gets into
these big funks that are hard to be around. He's always been this
way but now it's magnified.
He never was what you would call close to his dad. His dad's
ego was huge and hubs could never really navigate that. So I
believe he has regrets that way. It's his dad who should have
the regrets but I guess it's too late for that.
But thx for the always stellar advice Golden. It's very much
appreciated.
If hub is not comfortable talking about his feelings then just accept where he is at and be silent with him. If he wants to talk at some point be a caring listener. I'm not sure what you mean by him striking out in anger mentally. Do you mean verbally? I hope it is not at you as regardless of grief that is not acceptable.
This is a difficult time for both of you. Be sure you look after yourself and do some things that are enjoyable for you. Don't let hub take out his anger on you. Anger is a normal art of grief but it should not be destructive to relationships.
I know I have had to avoid certain people for a while when I was grieving as I was unreasonably angry at them and had to resolve it and handle it so it didn't negatively affect my relationship with them.
((((hugs)))) to you. This isn't easy.
Llama - glad dh is supportive and you have an excellent oral surgeon.
Sorry that you lost one of your's.
I do have a renowned oral surgeon.
having cancer and now his Dad dying.
Not well. My DH bottles up his feelings and strikes out in anger.
Not physically, but mentally. He won't let me comfort him. So I'm
left not knowing how to help him.
Things are looking up. R liked the dr and got a referral to a neurologist, some pain meds for the headaches which are from the accident and from the hormone therapy and an order to come back in 2 weeks. He feels cared for.
I have found a Canadian source of dairy free chocolate - like really and properly dairy free, they say. I will know within 1 minute of eating some. My headaches are subsiding as I eliminate the offending foods, so life is brighter.
Just be you - you are fine as just being you. We all are influenced by those we meet.
This man is an inspiration to me:
“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
― Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
― Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning
He was a Holocaust survivor so he knew what bad circumstances out of his control were.
Random example, police brutality:
A police officer beats up, kills someone, with no justification. The civilian attacked had no choice, no options, no means to defend themselves.
“"it" is out of control for all of us.”
No. There are situations that are in our control.
“what can you do to be your own miracle? Change isn't easy, Without change there is no change.”
It’s not that kind of situation, otherwise I would have done something about it. It’s completely out of my control. Hopefully luck comes my way, and things turn around for me.
Llama, I feel you about dental work. I just got back from
the dentist. It's been nothing but dental work for me lately.
I just had my last of 4 crowns put in today. All on the right
side. Apparently I grind my teeth a lot. Probably stress.
Nacy -so glad your mom is doing well physically. Hopefully her brain will comeback to where it was. Brain fog is the pits. When things get too busy around here, mine kicks in. Glad your OB is picking up now. The after effects can hang on a long time. You are right - the diet stuff is not fun between fodmaps and allergies.
Beatty - hard knowing what lies ahead - you can see it but not stop it. Self care is so important - and time out. Great reminder for all of us. Thank you.
Right now the fire is on, the day is still bright, the trees are lovely, the kitty is cuddly, I am warm and fed, and solvent and I have started another book. Counting my blessings helps. I had my 87th birthday a few weeks ago.and am thankful to be here and as good as I am.
When you write it all down in a condensed way - that is just TOO MUCH for 1-2 years.
I feel the similar about the ride..
My ride is chugging along ok today but the dangerous corners & giant scary dips are within view now. Just up ahead. So close.
I think I am safer to cling tightly on, than get off at this stage.
But. For you Gershun, for any of you, if you need to step out, take a break, tune out man like a 60s hippy.. do it. Take that time for self-care.
Even if it is 5 minutes sitting looking at a tree today.
🌳🌴🌵
It's been a bad last two years for me. Starting with breaking my
foot. Then we had a bug infestation in our home. Then gastro
problems which got worse when I was given strong antibiotics
for a kidney infection. Then getting covid which changed something
in me cause I don't feel I've been the same since.
Then this year both of my DH's parents were diagnosed with cancer.
My precious kitty died and now my DH's father is receiving end of life
care in hospital. Ironically he isn't dying of cancer but due to complications
due to the treatment for the cancer.
Stop this ride. I want to get off now!
venting - I know this is old, but what can you do to be your own miracle? Change isn't easy, Without change there is no change. All the same, I wish you better times ahead and for you to see a way through to them.
Alva - that has been such a bummer! May it be as harmless as the last one. I am truly sorry for your dd. But glad you and your partner are still standing. Hope the dog is a comfort.
Hothouse - First of all Happy Birthday for tomorrow. 🎂 I am so sorry for your friend's illness, the loss of your mother and all the things you have had to deal with. It's good you are looking for joy. May you find it in abundance at times.
Nacy - good perspective. I think most of us have had ups and downs.
Way - What a lot of loss!!! I've had years like that. Groundhog day with mil. That's a b*tch. She is a handful. Making friends when you are older isn't easy and you never get ones again who have lived half their life with you. I am so sorry about your older sister. Retirement need not be lonely. You will meet new people but you will also miss the old friends who have passed.
Hanging in here, enjoying a bright sunlit day, one hour at a time.
My whine is that poor R is a bit flakier than usual, I think. He gets very frustrated
when phone calls and appointments don't go "right". He's trying to follow up on his treatment, but meeting a few dead ends. The hospital clinic he was referred for concussion follow up only take sport injuries. He just told me that now a month or more later. He can't get into his doctor for at least a month for a referral to a neurologist, as his physio says he needs one b/c she is working in the dark. So we figured out how to get a referral sooner through a walk in clinic here today - hope it works. I told him to give feedback to the hospital that their referral was no good for him. He has misplaced his AB health card and the walk in clinic receptionist says the number he gave her doesn't work and so on.
I have to be the voice of reason here and do some online research for him. He gets distracted by the ads on a website and assumes the page is not what he needs. (when it is) so his frustration increases. This is not so different from pre accident as his ADHD does the same, but maybe a little worse. Of course, he has more to deal with as well with insurance - injury and property. Some one hit his vehicle three years ago and that one is still not resolved. The law courts grind slowly.
My sensitivity to dairy has increased, so foods I tolerated before give me cruel headaches now, so it is back to looking for really dairy free, gluten free stuff. I'm off chocolate and peanut butter till I find some and that which isn't laden with sugar.
On the other hand, I signed the house sale documents at the lawyers yesterday and we went out for a celebratory lunch. It was a pleasant low key day and I enjoyed it. R is off posting the rest of my keys to the real estate agent so it is peaceful here. All I want is a little hum drum!
Thanks for the opportunity to vent. It helps.
Not getting my hopes up for 2025 either .
Let’s see , The saga that started with my FIL 3 years ago did end in 2024, however we are now in similar problems with MIL , 87, anosagnosia , undiagnosed dementia , stubborn , denial. It’s the Fall of 2021 all over again .
My older sister is declining , early vascular dementia . She is the only one of my 4 siblings I am close to . 69 yo.
My good friend 66 years old died last week of lung cancer ( never smoked ).
Another good friend is battling breast cancer , just finished treatments , she’s aged about 10 years this year . 74 yo
Another good friend with Alzheimer’s has declined a lot this year . 74 yo .
My best friends are 10-15 years older than I am , I’m 59. They were either former coworkers or neighbors .
I feel like I’m looking at a future lonely retirement .
No. But thanks for your optimism. 😉
I try to find joy where I can but it is hard.