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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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My mom passed away and all I can think of is how I would lose my patience with her. I love and miss her so much. So many things I wish I would have said to her. 😞
Please, please don't feel guilt. If you were perfect, you would still feel guilt. Let it go. You did the best you could and even if there were rough patches, you are forgiven. Now forgive yourself. There is an unending stress with caregiving. Couple that with our own life issues, there are bound to be times we don't respond in the "best" way. Remember, you probably handled things much better than you give yourself credit for. Lots of people were or are in your shoes. We wish we had unlimited patience but that is an impossible standard.
Tea Tea I am sure if you ask most caregivers, we're gonna tell you that we've lost it with the ones we care for too. Please don't beat yourself up. You must have loved your mom, because if you didn't you would not have cared for her. I am so sorry for your loss. May God give you peace and comfort. ❤
Say those things to your mother NOW. She will hear you and you'll get to say what you wanted to say so you can move on. Instead of remembering the bad times, instead, focus on all the happy memories you had together. That is when the healing begins, my friend.
TeaTea, I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that you are not alone. My mother passed away October 31st, 2020.
My mom was 96 years old when she passed away from a stroke. She was briefly hospitalized before she passed.
I too had arguments with her at the end. She would say something to me that set me off and I would yell at her.
She still had her mind but had severe mental illness. Her mental illness got worse after she turned 90. She refused help from me or anyone else. She was fiercely independent. But I lost my temper and I regret it. I still cry over it. I talk to her every day. I tell her I love her and I didn’t mean to yell at her.
I found comfort in listing to 18 voicemails she sent to me in 2020. I am grateful I kept them. I also saved many cards and letters she sent me back in the 1980’s and 1990”s and 2000’s. The last letter I kept from her was in October 2014. The cards and letters were all full of love for me. I read them over and over and it helps so much.
I agree with other posters saying to journalize and write everything down that you are thinking and feeling regarding your mom.
I’m sorry for your loss. Both of my parents died last year. I wish I had done more for them. They were elderly and in declining health. Realistically I know there was nothing I could do, but I sometimes I still wish I had.
I can relate with your regrets. I too was often too hard on my mom b/c I thought she wasn’t trying hard enough to hang on, didn’t appreciate me, etc.. The woulda, coulda, shoulda’s took over and made me more unhappy. My pastor suggested I speak to Mom in my prayers and say the things I wish I’d shared with her. I’ve done that- several times actually. I believe she knows I did what I thought was in her best interest but came up short at times. I know she forgives me, I’m sure of it. Now I need to forgive myself! Good luck- we’re human and make some mistakes. Love yourself- so you can love others too!
Personally, I think we're far too hard on ourselves when we've done so much for a LO and after they pass, the 'guilt' comes crashing down. It's actually grief, not guilt.
You're not a saint and mom wasn't either. Like Sunny said Life isn't a pretty movie. It is what it is and we are not perfect by any means.
I do believe that we live after death and our LO's who have passed do know of our sorrow and are very forgiving towards us, even after death. Be kind to yourself and work to remember the good moments with mom.
Unfortunately because we are all human, we tend to initially think of what we should have, could have or would have done or said, before our loved one died. All of us caregivers have lost our patience with our loved ones at some point or another, and it does no good to beat ourselves up over it once they're gone. We all do the very best we can, and that is all we can do. I'm sure your mom was grateful for the great care you gave her, and she knew how very much you loved her as well. Please don't waste your time on what you don't think you did well; instead think of all the special times you and your mom had together. Praying for God's peace and comfort to be with you in the days, weeks, and months ahead.
I am so sorry for this loss and your grief. I went through similar feelings before and after my dad died. There were days I had to just "hide" from him in his home and and scream into a pillow because I didn't want him to see my despair and frustration. I had to be very matter of fact with him at times and looking back...it was all I could do, because he was very strong willed and refused so much help. I think these feelings are very common and part of grief. I have to reassure myself that I did my very best for him and that I could not do everything alone. I still have to tell myself that real life...real families...real illness...real caregiving...is not always a scripted and edited Hallmark movie or an episode of Little House on the Prairie. In no way do I intend to sound cold-hearted or unkind, but I think it's so easy to get caught up in "if only." My heart goes out to you. I am sure you did your best. Losing patience is a symptom of overwhelm and fatigue. You are one person. You were helping. Please forgive yourself. Sending a hug - Sunnydayze
I think we all think like that. I was the only child Mom could do a guilt trip on our of 4 of us. Mom passed at 89 from Dementia. I refuse to feel guilty. Yes, I lost my patience. Yes I wish I had said "I love you more" but we were not a demonstrative family. But I was the one there for her. Not my brothers. I was always the one who did for my parents, not my brothers. So as soon as that "guilt" shows its nasty head, I push it back down. At 71 I refuse to think what if. Better to remember the good times.
I’m sorry for your loss, seems losing a beloved mom is a special kind of pain. Please accept that you can’t change the past and ruminating on the negative will only drag you down. Getting some counseling is never a bad idea. Focus on the positive and happy memories of your mom. I’m sure she knew your love
TeaTea, so you weren't a Saint? That's almost kind of good, because we won't have to fill you up with arrows, send you to heaven, and then pray to you to fix everything here below for all of us for an eternity. That you were a human being with human limitations? Guess what, your Mom likely already knew that. Bet she had some limitations of her own. I am so very very sorry for your loss. It occurred to me after my bro died last May that out of all the wonderful 7 decades I had him, all our closeness and love, it was the few times I failed him, the few bickers at the end when both of us were so very stress with his diagnosis, his move, his making me POA and Trustee, his sale of his last home, my flying back and forth to him that would stick in my head. It's human nature. I heard it said on NPR that we will choose guilt in order not to move on with grief, which is the REAL G. word. We think we can stay stuck in the would have-should have- could have, in that world that can be changed, rather than move to tears of loss in a world that cannot be changed. That loss that cannot be changed. I helped myself by creating a journal of letters to my bro. When separated and not living in same city we used to write long long letters to one another. I wrote him the times I worried I let him down. I wrote him things I saw that day that made me think of him. I wrote him wonderful memories and I decorated it all with collage and cutouts and drawings. It became such a positive thing for me. Your Mom will always be with you. I am 79 almost and I feel my Mom and Dad with me daily. They were wonderful people. I can't reach out and talk to them, see them, but they are with me as surely as ever they were. I wish you healing. Your Mom would have wanted that for you. Imagine how quite she would be to forgive some small slight. She raised you from a baby. Don't imagine she didn't know a bit about you. I wish you the very best, and again am so sorry for your loss.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I am sure if you ask most caregivers, we're gonna tell you that we've lost it with the ones we care for too. Please don't beat yourself up. You must have loved your mom, because if you didn't you would not have cared for her. I am so sorry for your loss. May God give you peace and comfort. ❤
My mom was 96 years old when she passed away from a stroke. She was briefly hospitalized before she passed.
I too had arguments with her at the end. She would say something to me that set me off and I would yell at her.
She still had her mind but had severe mental illness. Her mental illness got worse after she turned 90. She refused help from me or anyone else. She was fiercely independent. But I lost my temper and I regret it. I still cry over it. I talk to her every day. I tell her I love her and I didn’t mean to yell at her.
I found comfort in listing to 18 voicemails she sent to me in 2020. I am grateful I kept them. I also saved many cards and letters she sent me back in the 1980’s and 1990”s and 2000’s. The last letter I kept from her was in October 2014. The cards and letters were all full of love for me. I read them over and over and it helps so much.
I agree with other posters saying to journalize and write everything down that you are thinking and feeling regarding your mom.
Forgive yourself, I know your mom has.
Please know that your mom would want you to be at peace.
Personally, I think we're far too hard on ourselves when we've done so much for a LO and after they pass, the 'guilt' comes crashing down. It's actually grief, not guilt.
You're not a saint and mom wasn't either. Like Sunny said Life isn't a pretty movie. It is what it is and we are not perfect by any means.
I do believe that we live after death and our LO's who have passed do know of our sorrow and are very forgiving towards us, even after death. Be kind to yourself and work to remember the good moments with mom.
It's human nature. I heard it said on NPR that we will choose guilt in order not to move on with grief, which is the REAL G. word. We think we can stay stuck in the would have-should have- could have, in that world that can be changed, rather than move to tears of loss in a world that cannot be changed. That loss that cannot be changed.
I helped myself by creating a journal of letters to my bro. When separated and not living in same city we used to write long long letters to one another. I wrote him the times I worried I let him down. I wrote him things I saw that day that made me think of him. I wrote him wonderful memories and I decorated it all with collage and cutouts and drawings. It became such a positive thing for me.
Your Mom will always be with you. I am 79 almost and I feel my Mom and Dad with me daily. They were wonderful people. I can't reach out and talk to them, see them, but they are with me as surely as ever they were.
I wish you healing. Your Mom would have wanted that for you. Imagine how quite she would be to forgive some small slight. She raised you from a baby. Don't imagine she didn't know a bit about you. I wish you the very best, and again am so sorry for your loss.