I am the only one of three children caring for my parents. My siblings help sometimes....but if I dont care for them....I am not sure what would happen. I dont speak to my siblings anymore. I am a single mom of teenage kids. I used to be so cheerful and now...the anger is always threatening to explode. I used to have a job and friends, not now. I know my mom is old, but she knows she is taking advantage. I know that they won't live longer than a year...probably as they are failing fast. They wont take care of themselves. And I love them very much. But how dare everyone? I hate the way I feel. I doubt I will ever speak with my siblings again. I am just tapped out. My mom knew I was feeling this way so she suggested she pay me. But, they never have the money. I guess I just feel like they don't realize that I matter too. They just take for granted...dr calls...computer fixing....TV fixing...cleaning and laundry. Prescription ordering........ ok so now I know I sound like ....poor me. Like I am whining. This is what my sister said. As she is far away and living her life. My brother lives 2 miles from my parents. If they have a need they refuse to call him. I am 30 miles away and they choose to call me. First thing my mom will say is ....I don't want you to drive out here but....my oxygen isnt working (for example). Or ...your dad isn't well.....I go out 3 x a week. I am tired and and angry and I don't want to lose them. I know I sound insane. Thanks for letting me rant.
My mom refused to let people in to give her medicine, even though I KNEW she was forgetting to take them. She insisted she was taking them daily as prescribed. Until she didn't take her blood thinner for 3 days and wound up in the ER with a clot in her foot. Of course, I had to take her and take her to the follow-up visits to the vascular surgeon. At that point, I blew. I told her I was DONE. We were getting help. She knew I meant business and didn't fight me. I had people come in 2X a day and give her meds (she lived in independent living). Once they started, she was fine and liked them. Sheesh! But to get her to that point involved an emergency and me finally putting my size 11 foot down and not taking no for an answer from her. Good luck and keep us posted.
Even as her memory and reasoning are going, she still thinks that she is always the all-knowing, all-wise wizard-woman. Everyone ELSE is stupid.
If/when she becomes more dependent, I have no intention of becoming her Mommy, though. She has LTC insurance and will be placed in a facility. I have also told my brothers that I do not want to be the one that gets called or consulted, even if I am the only local one.
Your mother is still well enough to go out and do her own errands/shopping. Her relative hardiness allows her to think that she's in charge, and you are there to do her bidding in a servant-like capacity. My mother was like that, totally. Now that she's totally dependent and confined to a hospital bed in her living room, that illusion has fully dissipated. She's become like a baby being fed and changed by Mommy. That would be me. :-)
This is my mother regarding one of my brothers. She had just given me an assignment to do all sorts of research on fall detection devices, and I suggested she ask Sonny No-Show. Well, that started the crying/shaking routine with insults ("HIS time is more valuable than YOURS!")
I'd told her to just get the upgraded device from the company she already had (Great Call). But, oh, no...she said she had to research it all and then make her decision. I never did the research. But when another brother came to visit, he had her out at the mall and told her to get the upgraded Great Call device, which she did without argument. ?!
I don't know how those of you who have to take care of parents 24/7 do it. I can't stand the 4 - 7 hours/week it takes to ferry my mother around (and be her guide/personal assistant while we're out).
"My oxygen isn't working" is a definite NEED and a serious need. When you get that call, turn around and call brother to get over there asap.
"My computer or TV needs fixing" that can wait.
I agree with polarbear 's suggestion on saying "no" when necessary and telling your folks to call your brother. Wouldn't he be more likely to help if the call came from mom?
between you and brother, and if sister is too far away.
list on large piece of cardboard. with large sharpie marker.
who to call: dr appointment driving - give to brother (name and phone #)
computer, tv problems - give to brother
grocery shopping - give to brother
phone calls, rx orders - for you (name and phone #)
laundry and cleaning - for you
if she called wrong person. tell her - no mom, for that...brother should be called.
your brother should have to help too! tell him he is responsible too.
can she afford a cleaning service every two weeks? do parents have dementia? they are failing fast? do they pay their own bills on time? these are other things that will have to be addressed, and can make things even more difficult.
contact your sister too and let her know even if she isn't close. things are getting bad.
I assumed my brother knew he should be helping. My brother assumed I would ask for help if I needed it. When we got together it made a world of difference.
I think you need to decide what you will or won't do for your folks and stick to it. Do they live in independent living, per your profile? If they do, there should be agencies available to help with things like oxygen not working correctly. Can your folks afford some outside help? You said they can't find the money to pay you, is that a real lack of money or are they just irresponsible about paying you?
Bottom line you need to set some limits to maintain your own sanity and health and stick to those limits. If they can't get help from you, maybe they'll call your brother more. Right now they don't need to call him because they know you'll help. {{{Hugs}}}
Stop being so available to your parents. It’s easier said than done, I know. But they need to start calling your brother. They aren’t on the outs with their other children, you are. So it’s ok if they call him. If it’s a dire emergency, they can call 911.
I do have a brother who comes to visit our Alzheimer's mom once a week and help with money sometimes. I take care of my mom the rest of the time. So compared to you I am very lucky. But I still feel burned out and resentful that my life and my children's lives have been hijacked by my mother's increasing needs. We are stuck in the house with her and can't go where and when we want unless I pay someone to come and stay with my mom or take her out.
One suggestion though regarding your parents only calling you when they need something, the reason they call you is because they know you will say yes to their requests. Start saying NO when you don't feel up to helping. You need to say YES to taking care of yourself. Tell them to call their son. If they choose not to, that's their choice. They burned you out with their needs. What about your needs?