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I ask this question as a way to have a conversation about the pain we share in having what may be a rather lonely Thanksgiving. I know I am not the only person here who will be having the first Thanksgiving of my life with no guests at all.


My husband and I will be making most of the meal we have always made, but we will not be sharing it with anyone but ourselves. We considered going to my sons' place for Thanksgiving, being very, very careful, but with the recent uptick in Covid-19 cases, we agreed with them that we should stay at home and look forward to next year together.


We will talk with them with a Zoom/Facetime conversation that will include some other members of our extended family, some of whom will be completely alone. It is kind of sad, but talking in this way will be better than nothing. We are using both Zoom and FaceTime because not everyone has either one and those of us who can do both want to include as many as possible. So we will have the iPad and the PC on the coffee table while we talk to others.


After 8 months of staying home, I find that my house is very clean, I have made good progress in my gardens, and I have done my best at being positive. Nevertheless, I am near tears as I write this, simply worn down with the stress of it all. I will put on a happy face for the big meal I am preparing for me and my husband, the family call. I really and truly am grateful for all my blessings. Still, though, I do feel a bit sad and lonely. I feel in need of a touch, a hug, I talk to my Mom, my sisters, my sons on the phone, see them electronically, but live in relative isolation.


I know that I am lucky. My husband and I have each other, we live in a house we love, with some views of the town where we live and the mountains beyond. We are not at risk of running out of food, we have enough, and will be able to continue having groceries and other needs delivered to our home. We are grateful and thankful. We wish everyone else were this lucky.


Yet we are lonely and sad, trying to make the best of things. To all the others here who are struggling with these same problems, and more, I wish you well, I feel your pain. You are not alone in your loneliness. You are not alone in your need for touch and contact. But you will survive this and we may meet again in the future, have that hug, and cry all we want without guilt or shame. Have the best Thanksgiving you can have and remember that next year will be better. Love to you all.

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I just read your profile and I have to complement you on everything!

I wish more families felt as you and your sisters do.

I love how you have equally divided your caregiving responsibilities. How lovely!

Now, to answer your question. A quiet dinner at home with hubby, oldest daughter and myself.

Not cooking this year. Whole Foods is cooking.

I am thankful for my husband and daughters. My youngest daughter just moved to Colorado so she will be missed at our holiday table.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
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Orchid, I agree with you, I’m both grateful and a bit sad this Thanksgiving. We’re only having immediate family that have been in our “bubble” all along so not seeing any extended family. I know this is the wise choice and am fine with it, but it’s also my first holiday since my dad died. So there’s a unique lump in my throat as I smile and enjoy the time with my young adult children. I’m making all the usual favorites for our family. My “children” who aren’t children anymore all request peanut butter pie, would rather have that than any traditional pumpkin or apple. So much gratitude mixed with some quiet sadness. I wish you a blessed day
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This Thanksgiving and Christmas it will be just my sig-other and myself.... and the cat, who thinks he's person.

I am no Martha Stewart or Julia Childs so cooking was always very stressful for me. I see on game shows where a prize is an "outdoor cooking area" and I am thinking, I don't even want in "indoor cooking area".

Therefore in the past 10 or so years, it has been the local grocery store doing the cooking. I pick up the items and heat & serve. Back when my parents were alive, my Mom would bring over a home made side dish.

Two years ago my sig-other's grown daughter [40+] and her two teenager daughters came to visit. We always pay for them use a nearby hotel chain to give them more privacy, and to give me less cleaning. The gang said they would be back over to help Thanksgiving morning. Well.... they showed just in time to eat. I tried to put on a smile.
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My DIL is bringing Thanksgiving dinner to our house tomorrow and dropping it off. My DH just had open heart surgery & then lung surgery 2 weeks later and was released from the hospital this Monday. So we'll be alone, but grateful that he's alive. And grateful for the low salt/low fat dinner my poor DIL was prepping until the nurse came by today to say DH needs a HIGH fat diet for the next 3 weeks (he lost 30 lbs during this ordeal). So I sheepishly called my DIL who breathed a sigh of relief and said the call made her life a whole lot easier...........LOL.

We'll also be having a Zoom call at 6 pm with our children *7 between us* and that will be nice. My soon to be 94 y/o mother will be dining at her Memory Care ALF and not joining us this year. Unfortunately, she chose not to join us for Thanksgiving luncheon at the Chart House last year coming up with an excuse about not feeling so good. What that taught me is live for TODAY. Grab every opportunity you can b/c nothing is guaranteed. Had she known this Thanksgiving we'd be in the midst of a pandemic, betcha she would've felt 'better' last year and come with us. Can't change yesterday but we sure can change how we deal with today.

Wishing you a happy Thanksgiving. I hope it turns into a nice day after all and that you & your DH give one another extra hugs & kisses to make up for the ones you can't get and give to the other loved ones in your life.
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freqflyer........that's my other DIL..........she sits at the table like A Queen and waits to be served, then waits for her dishes to be cleared for her, never lifting a well manicured finger to help with a single thing!!! My son helps (he was raised right....LOL) but she irritates the heck out of me. Sometimes it's hard to put on that smile, isn't it?

I was also ordering the pre-cooked turkey from the grocery store for Thanksgiving in the past and it was always DELISH!! DH would make a couple of side dishes, I'd make a couple, and the guests would bring a side dish or dessert of their own. I don't love cooking, but I hate the clean up even worse!
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Lea,

I would cook for three days! My brother would sit at the table and say that his darling wife didn’t like Turkey! LOL

Poor thing! Did he really expect me to cook a separate meal for her? He said that she liked ham. I served ham on Easter.

She never lifted a finger to help either.

Nothing made my mom happier than watching me work like a dog and serving my brothers!

Karma! Now they have my mom!
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NeedHelp: that reminds me of my ex MIL.........I'd cook and cook and cook and she'd sit her fat arse down at the table, look around at the plates & bowls, and start pointing.......I don't like THIS, I don't like THAT, I won't eat THOSE.........etc. etc. I'd say, eat what you'd like and don't eat anything else. She'd wind up eating everything that wasn't nailed and licking the plate! Then not lifting a finger to help, either.
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Fessing up! I’m the daughter in law that doesn’t lift a finger to help in any way at my in laws. I’m many years into this marriage and tried so hard for so long until one day I decided I was over it. No matter what I did to help it was never right, if I wiped a table it was immediately wiped again, if I washed a dish it was rewashed again, if I put leftovers up it was decided I didn’t pick the correct Tupperware and redone, no matter how trivial the task I never did one thing right. So I quit and now watch football with the men while my MIL and her daughter fuss over things to a degree I’m grateful I wasn’t born with the gene to be able to do. I just can’t stir the beans that many times or the correct way, whatever that is! Sorry to hijack the thread. Now everybody trash talk me!
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Daughter,

Your MIL sounds like my mom! Perfectionist with a capital P!

I won’t trash talk you. I get it! I am not a perfectionist. I don’t like perfect people.

They are never satisfied with themselves or others, as you well know, right!?

They get downright knit picky!

In your case, you are justified! I get it. In other situations, it’s a different story!

Every family has their issues. The weird aunt or uncle, grandparent, cousin, whomever...

We had a couple of strange uncles on both side of my family. They were a little weird!
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We will be having our usual family get-together but this year it will be at my sister-in-laws new house and we’re doing dinner instead of a late lunch. We have a family isolation bubble or whatever you call it. We have socialized for months and most work from home or are SAHMs so there’s really no risk. It’s not like anything has been open so we can’t really go anywhere & catch the virus. I will be bringing a smoked turkey (just made the brine and started the brining overnight process). Now I need to figure out what time to put it in the smoker tomorrow. My SIL also requested my moms broccoli casserole (eewwwww) so I need to make that but I am honestly not looking forward to it. I don’t like the smell or the ingredients. I think I will make it tomorrow.

I had to run in to Kohl’s today to pick up an order and then I went in to Target to look for a few gifts I couldn’t order online. Honestly judging by the long long lines I think most people are going to have their normal Christmas’s this year! The line to check out at Kohl’s went almost to the back of the store! So did the line at target but it moved fast because 15 minutes later, there was no line and I walked right up to the self checkout.
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Cali,

My neighbor smokes his turkey all night. Will you have time to smoke it tomorrow?

What size turkey are you doing? Just the breast or the entire bird?

What kind of broccoli casserole? With a cheese sauce and breadcrumbs? I love that dish.
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Lea,

I lucked out in the MIL department. She was wonderful. I was actually closer to her than my mom.

I guess I didn’t have much incentive to get to know my brother’s wives. He is on wife number 4! They all divorced him.

This last one is hanging around. He can’t cheat on her. He’s too old now, has health issues. She is younger than his son.

She won’t allow his sons children to call her ‘grandma!’ LOL

I swear certain members of my family could be used for a script for a freakin soap opera! Hahaha 🤣

Some on my husband’s side too. I started to eat my salad without dressing at her house because she never checked expiration dates! She served expired food! I was afraid of getting food poisoning. She was rich but was super cheap!!!
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I bought a 20lb turkey. We have a Traeger so it only takes a few hours to smoke. Maybe 5 or 6 hours? When it’s the done the meat is practically falling off the bones! It will cook in an aluminum roasting pan which will be full of juices when it’s done & the juices make a great gravy!

the broccoli casserole is just a basic broccoli casserole-frozen chopped broccoli (cooked first), shredded cheddar cheese, mayo, dried onion and cream of mushroom soup, with breadcrumbs and more cheese on top. The smell of all the ingredients once mixed together is just...yuck LOL! Don’t like it & won’t go near the casserole myself but it’s always a hit so I know it’s good!
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We are getting TG boxes from the Episcopal church. That's where we went in person last year.
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Daughter, you made me laugh !! I have a SIL who is the "best guest ever".. NOT She would show up for every holiday meal ( I cooked) with her kids and thier dates, and right after the meal "get a headache" or some crap, and have to lie down,, and then start nagging her hubs to take her home! With leftovers.. At least you go watch TV with the men and don;t lay about whining! Once she got snippy about my getting up after the meal to wash my china.. so the next meals I used paper plates!
This year we had the meal today, as I work tomorrow. Just the four of us, but the meal was great and we all were able to relax as we scaled down the meal to a managable size. Tomorrow we are having a socially distanced pot luck at work,, this should be interesting as the ICU is not full of space to eat on a good day!
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Cali,

Your smoker sounds wonderful!

Oh, I do a different one, no canned soup. Yeah, I hear you. That stuff smells funky. Don’t blame you for not wanting to make it. 😊

Your family will enjoy it though.
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Pam,

🤣 hahaha, the joys of entertaining!

She sounds lovely! LOL
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Oh gosh, my New Orleans born daughter is a fish out of water in Colorado! LOL

She called me just now, saying that she couldn’t find wine at the Whole Foods near her apartment. She saw beer but no wine.

She has to go to a liquor store to buy wine for her Thanksgiving dinner with friends.

We are accustomed to being able to buy any kind of booze anywhere in New Orleans!

Please, our city has drive through daiquiri shops and bars that never close! We can take out drinks and walk in the street with a drink. We order a ‘go’ cup.

Not since Covid. Now there are restrictions on alcohol.
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I’m not doing much. Husband and son still not fully recovered. My dad can’t come back home until everyone is well. Oldest son is having dinner with his in-laws. So it will be a quiet day day for us. I bought a roasting hen instead of turkey.
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Needhelp Whole Foods in CO doesn’t sell wine?? What??? Where is lealonnie, I think she said she is Colorado? That is crazy!! In California most places that sell alcohol sell everything-beer, wine, hard liquor! 7-11 doesn’t sell hard liquor but they have cheap wine and beer!

I was a fish out of water the first time I visited Texas with my husband, 20 years ago. Texas has dry counties which I had never heard of! It was the craziest thing to me because if we went to a restaurant, I could drink alcohol as long as my hubby ordered it for me! But we could not go to the store to buy alcohol and there were no liquor stores either! The reason for this trip was my FIL was getting remarried. They wanted beer at the wedding (total hick wedding, outside in the backyard and the bridal party was on horseback!) anyway, we had to drive 2 hours away to the nearest non-dry county just to buy the alcohol for the wedding! That is one luxury I never realized we have in california. And wal-mart even sells alcohol here and I still find that very very weird LOL!

I could not find bourbon at the grocery store today! I know they sell it but I felt so stupid standing there not knowing what I was looking for! The turkey I am making is a maple-bourbon bribes turkey. I used gentleman jack last year (my hubby would be pissed if I knew I used it LOL. It just sits in the cabinet year after year and no one drinks it). Another year we had some left over crown royal that my FIL drank when he visited so I used that. I have never bought bourbon before but I thought it would be near the jack daniels but I didn’t see any. My hubby said he would go to liquor store after work tonight & get a bottle for me!
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Cali,

They don’t sell it. Crazy, huh?
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Cali,

We could all use some booze right now! 😂

We have booze at Walmart too.

Oh yes, my daughter had to drive through those hick towns in Texas to get to Colorado.
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Well we had a cheap bottle of ALDIS moscato,, we all liked it! Have to buy it in WV as MD Aldes can't sell wine here. I Stock up there. We did start with a bottle from the winery across from our house but it was horrible!
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Don’t we all have at least one lazy relative that shows up for the meal and then leaves? My ex-SIL never ever offered to help clean up and never offered to bring anything. And usually showed up late!

the worst was thanksgiving 2014. My BIL and now exSIL were split up for the 2nd time. At the end of October on their anniversary my BIL announced he was in love with some girl from the Bay Area! Long long crazy story but they were both all over Facebook acting like they had been together for a long time and we’re in love and there was lots of drama. Anyway a week before thanksgiving my BIL made a big deal about bringing her to our family thanksgiving (that I was hosting). My exSIL was already invited as she was still part of the family so we had drama over that. No one wanted him to bring her, we all felt thanksgiving was not the appropriate time to introduce he to the family. eventually my husband relented and agree to it as long as BIL promised there would be no drama. So girl my BIL was dating was a real winner. Not. She was straight up trash. Thanksgiving dinner was served at 2pm. They didn’t show up, we never heard from them. My BIL was supposed to bring the desserts. Everyone left around 5pm. I cleaned up the kitchen and packed up all the leftovers and left them on the counter. 5:30 my BIL and this girl show up! No desserts, no explanation. And this girl helps herself to the leftovers, fixes a plate a mile high and then barely eats it and wraps it up to go and fixes herself another plate to take home! Didn’t lift a damn finger other than to pile food on her plate! Then they both sit at the table looking at the black Friday ads while she’s trying to talk his broke butt into buying a bunch of expensive electronics he cannot afford! He had no money, he was broke!
Right after Christmas my BIL broke up with her and got back with exSIL and then a few days later, left ExSIL because he “couldn’t forget the promise” he made to his girlfriend! So he got back with with the crazy girlfriend for a few weeks. This girl....had no job and 3 kids. The oldest kid I think the grandparents were raising, she had a different dad than the 2 younger kids where 6 &8. This girl ABANDONED her kids and moved in with my BIL! My BIL didn’t even invite her to move in. He was picking her up every Friday night so she could stay with him all weekend and then he’d drive her back up to the Bay Area on Sunday night. Anyway he picked her up one weekend and she just never left! She refused to leave! She didn’t even want to leave when he broke up with her for good about 6 weeks after Christmas! She was so crazy she befriended a long-time female friend of his on FB, someone who was friends with him & his first wife. This friend introduced her to the first wife who told her he was a cheater and a whole much of other dirty laundry LOL! And they all got together and ganged up on my BIL!! The friend invited the crazy girl to move in with her but only if she would be her girlfriend! It was just crazy crazy stuff.....wow.....thanksgiving always brings back memories of that crazy period in our lives LOL!
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Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.
My brother and cousin will be joining the four of us tomorrow for Thanksgiving. Bought a 22lb turkey, made only two pies, pumpkin and apple pie. We already prepped tonight. Only thing I need to do is stuff the turkey tomorrow early am and roast it for 6 hours and cook everything.
One year my brothers fiancé came for Christmas with her two dogs. I had a 24 lb turkey, looked so forward to leftovers for turkey soup and turkey pie. I told her she can make a plate for the dogs. Left the kitchen and came back to cut the rest of the turkey to make soup and turkey pie and there was nothing left but bone. She had fed the dogs the rest of the $70 turkey from a turkey farm. I could not believe it and I was so aggravated to say the least. Next year she came and I watched her and she watched me as I was cutting the turkey I jumped up took the knife and did a chop chop motion and said she is not going to give the rest of the turkey to her dogs this year. My niece was off to the side and was hysterically laughing. Needless to say she never did that again.
I love the holidays, wonderful to see family but this year seems sad for me, one brother died four years ago, my dad died about twenty years ago, another brother lives overseas. It is not the same, but I am thankful I have my 98 year old mother, two brothers, niece and cousin all celebrating Thanksgiving together this year.
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Just immediate household this year. However, truth be told, that's how it's been for several years. Bad communication, geographic separation, little in common other than being "related", misunderstandings, poor planning, mental illness, deaths of "key" relatives who were holding things together, overwork (by some), laziness (by others), substance abuse, family secrets, and general disagreements to name a few reasons why. A significant disagreement has been over eldercare and some decisions I had to make over the past decade truly shattered what remained of the family. I felt I'd run out of choices, but others felt that I had endless options but purposefully picked the worst one because it suited me and my selfish needs. It's hard to change the minds of onlookers who do not truly know all that happened with the caregiving and all the options I exhausted. The size of the job kept growing and LO needed placement in a NH. I remember the loud but cheerful holidays of the past and I know that will never, ever be the case again. Too much baggage and hurt. Time to make new memories, but it's hard to re-program the mind when it's all such a shame and so sad. I plan to reach out to a shut-in tomorrow and see if there is anything I can bring her (masks on and I would not be staying). She will say there's nothing she needs, but we can talk on the phone and I will tell her how thankful I am that she's in my life. LO who I put in NH may or may not reach out to us by phone - we'll see. Our immediate household will have green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, apple crisp, pumpkin pie, salad, stuffing, cranberry sauce, rolls, and one of the smallest turkeys I've probably ever seen because it's all we need. We do like to watch the Thanksgiving episodes of various TV shows, so I think that will bring a smile to my face at least for a little while! I do want to express gratitude to the forum. It's been an incredible experience being able to communicate with people who understand these types of elder issues and how it looks from inside the caregiving situation.
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Happy Thanksgiving to all. Little Orchid thanks for starting this thread. The pandemic sure is leaving plenty of room for memories of previous holidays. I miss the big gatherings of years past, but not the drama but now even a little bit of drama seems not so bad. ha.
So, spending the day at my Mom's and she is cooking chicken and pastry. And I will bring sides. We aren't having a turkey and that's ok.
I see Christmas pretty much the same way. I am struggling with depression quite a bit this year but I'm plowing through anyway.
I will keep you all in my prayers and sending out some good ol' cyber hugs and good vibes too.
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We're staying home and I am cooking. Basically, like every other day.

I am so over 2020 and a covid vaccine can't get here soon enough for me. I miss my son and I'm struggling to be thankful.

But I will say this, I am very thankful for this forum. This forum and the wonderful people here keep me from feeling alone and feel like a life line at times. So thank you to everyone, and I hope you all have a nice holiday.
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Happy Turkey Day to all of my American friends.....I know that a lot of you are struggling this year, I think that holidays are often a lonely time for full time caregivers even without the extra challenges this year.
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I’m in the midst of downsizing and moving my mom to AL on a deadline - I recommend doing this during a pandemic surge absolutely never, but due to medical reasons it has to happen. Cue having to make many many many decisions about sentimental family stuff and mom care very quickly, plus mom drama, etc...

My brain is cooked. There is no way I can provide holidays. So - Chinese takeout!!! To heck with it! I live in a city and particularly a neighborhood with great local Chinese restuarants, and I’m happy to support these struggling restaurants. Will likely be dining with my bf and roommate ( covid pod since March ) and ‘pairing’ the meal with tea and Scottish whisky. Doing things in style....

I’m very grateful for this forum, and wish you all a lovely holiday in whatever form it takes
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