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My mother is a narcissist that has ran everybody off in her life. I take care of her out of sheer responsibility. Things she said today were vile, and despicable. I would never hurt another human like this. Thank you all for sharing
Welcome! Sending you some {{{hugs}}} Care giving is so hard anyway, but when you add in some narcissism and dysfunction, well Sheesh! It can be unbearable. You will find lots of stories around here like yours, and I have always taken comfort in knowing "it's not just me" and "I'm not crazy" - so read on, and hopefully find some validation, compassion for your situation and even some hope!
The great people on this forum are lifesavers. Knowing you're not along and surrounded by kindred spirits willing to give support and advice is life-changing. We've seen it many times.
Please take a look around this forum and conduct a search for the threads with "narcissism" or "narcissist" in the titles. Read them again and again. Read those threads involving narcs with other relatives than just "mother". There's a lot of information for you to understand about narcissism and how to protect yourself. *another hug*
For just a few short months, I was guardian and conservator for an elderly aunt I barely knew. This ended up consuming me, even though she was in a MC facility and then a NH. It became a huge stress and was all I knew or talked about. I could SEE my friends pulling away and their eyes glazing over whenever I chatted with them. My sisters and hubby said I changed drastically. And this was only 6 months! I CANNOT imagine what so many go through here, caring for their loved ones for YEARS in their homes.
I've watched/listened while my mother went OFF on my sister who was obviously practicing "gray rock" technique, while we were trapped in a car and I was driving. I swear I was very close to pulling off the road and telling her I was not driving another inch until she SHUT UP.
My mom does not even have dementia. She just loses her mind at times. She goes on and on and on and on..... then cries when you shut her down.
She has turned my dad into a wimp using this technique. I do not understand it at all. She can be very sweet, or she can be the most hyper-critical person on the planet. She's "like a box of chocolates." Her grandchildren no longer want to visit her because she has become so critical and negative. She doesn't like anyone's hairstyle or attire...ever, and is sure to let you know.
Replying to DollyMe - Not sure about your "codefendant". I am the only sibling close enough in proximity to care for her, she is 87 years old, can't drive, etc. I do beleive this site is to help caregivers share. As much anguish as I go through, I won't walk off from her.
Thanks to the others who are giving me great comments!
WELCOME CG Tears! We are glad you are here; and effective immediately, you will be glad you are here. This is where you will find unconditional luv and support, open arms and hearts, words of wisdom expressed in various ways but always genuine, AND you can safely, completely vent without judgement! Your sanity will also find salvation within this amazing forum family. I am a testimony to the sanity preservation here as I’m down to only five of me instead of eight! Number seven was a challenge indeed, but we got ‘em ! Seriously though, my friend, you are in the right place. The aging care family is a priceless asset for every caregiver journey ; it is the keeper of hope, the abolisher of isolation and diversity of understanding. We are all in the same boat and although we may row differently, our common sincere goal is to stay afloat and keep each other’s heads above water. Glad your here! susan xoxoxo
CaregiverTears, please consider this- if you are able to convince yourself that you are someone that YOU LOVE, and you are worth your own love and admiration, you will NEVER AGAIN be hurt by anything ANYONE SAYS OR DOES.
Practicing this kind of belief isn’t easy at first, but once you can believe it, you can hear her stuff for what it is- loud angry nonsense.
Perhaps this is what the Bible means when there is mention of loving one’s neighbor, or one’s enemy, as oneself.
Although I do not care for my mother at this time, and never will, she is the same type of person.
If she says something vile directed at me, I gather my stuff up and leave, no explanation. Go home and do not answer her calls for the rest of that day.
Sometimes she asks me why I left, I tell her and also make it clear that I will leave every time she is toxic to me, and I do.
I do not understand why you are so codependent towards her. Have you read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie? I would.
Apparently you have no boundaries in regard to her. Might be time to dig a little further and ask yourself why...why do you keep going back for more abuse.
She will not change it is up to you to change you and set some boundaries. Boundaries are set in place to protect you, say what you mean and mean what you say.
Lealonnie, I think that you are one of the fortunate ones if it worked right away and didn't escalate the problem.
I'm not saying it doesn't work, it takes time in many cases that are long term. Narcs don't take well to others taking charge of their own life and it can cause a frenzy, especially when someone has danced to their tune unquestioningly for their entire lives.
People should be aware of all the potential outcomes when implementing anything new with narcs. Need is a perfect example of how it can escalate.
Narcs are always about themselves and they should never be trusted with our hearts or heads.
Welcome to the forum. My heart aches for you. Many of us have been in your shoes.
Your screen name says it all. There are tears and you don’t have to apologize or be embarrassed by your tears. Cry when you need to.
All I can say is do what you feel is truly best for you. You matter as much as your mom does.
You don’t say if your mom is living with you or you with her or if she is in a facility. I hope you are not caring for her full time because it becomes too hard. She most likely won’t change her behavior.
It’s good that you realize that you are miserable. That misery will only lead to a breaking point. We all have a limit to what we can do. If you have reached that limit try to make a plan to come to some sort of resolution to your situation. Speak to a therapist, reach out to people on this forum. People do care. Most of all care about yourself. Don’t neglect yourself.
I hope things get better for you very soon and you can find peace because you deserve it. You know that, don’t you? That you do deserve peace in your life.
I used to feel as you do. That everything fell in my lap. It wasn’t ever true even though that is what I believed.
My mom is no longer my responsibility and while I don’t want to have resentment for her or any human being on this planet, I do have to say that my life is 100 percent better now that I do not have the burden of caring for my mother any longer. She is temporarily with my brother and SIL until she is placed in a facility. It wasn’t the ending that I would have wanted but I am dealing with it. You will too. What’s the alternative?
You’re right. My mom would get more upset. Just needle me trying to get a reaction. I’d end up just walking away because if I hadn’t walked away I would have lost it.
We all have our limits.
Sometimes it does take awhile and it takes patience and it’s so hard at times to be patient if our nerves are frazzled.
Thank you all so much! I would do anything for my mother, but she has always played pity card, i know she is lonely since my dad passed 4 years ago, but I have became such a punching bag on a daily basis, Im struggling...
Why would you do "anything on earth" for someone who behaves hatefully toward you and your dear husband?
Have you EVER said "no, I won't put up with your abuse, Mother"? Ever?
You might be surprised by the result. She will either sputter and deny that she means anything bad by what she is saying or she will erupt in anger at you.
And that will...….not hurt you in any meaningful way. You are an adult. You can support yourself and you don't NEED your mother's approval
Actually it can intensify behaviors until they finally realize that you are not playing with them anymore. But beware, they will throw crap out of nowhere to see if they can use you again. You are never safe around a narc.
Why would you do anything on earth for her? She knows that you have no boundaries and she will never stop being hateful until you stand up and say enough.
Welcome! Crazy, hurtful, narcissistic, demented, irritating, impossible and maniac mothers are our specialty here! We cry together, laugh together, and most importantly, support one another in the incredibly difficult journey we're on known as care giving. Glad you found us. Hopefully, we can give you some useful tips to help you manage your mother a bit better, such as Alva's Gray Rock tip. Google the technique....it works wonders in cutting off the Supply we tend to feed the narcs, which is what they THRIVE on. Just imagine yourself being a gray rock the next time your mother gets ranting and raving about something. No response. No expression. Just like a rock. Sitting there like a blob. Can you imagine her reaction??? Lol. You are turning the tables and turning OFF the emotional responses, the yelling, the crying, the hurt looks, all of it. When a narc gets no reaction from YOU, she moves on to her next target and Mission Accomplished.
Caregiver, Welcome to this forum. Glad you found it and hope you will enjoy contributing help to others from all you have learned, asking for information that might help you cope, and feeling free to give the occasional "vent" to let off some steam. You say that your Mom is a narcissist, and that she has pretty much run off everyone else in her life. Are you then the only caregiver? Are you the only sibling or the only sibling living nearby? How long have you been caring for your Mom? Have you ever heard of "going grey rock"? It is a pretty useful device (or fun game) in which you respond gently, without argument, and in just a short phrase or two. Repeatedly. It gets a bit boring for the one who is attempting to engage you in the old "I-am-mean-and-you-cry" exercise. Try also once in a while, when she is at her meanest to meet her with a bit of humor. When she does the rant on your hubby it would be fun to see her reaction if he let her go on and on and on and then said "Well, nevertheless, you are looking VERY attractive tonight". I don't know if now dementia is added to the narcissistic personality; that never helps it a whole lot. And of course dementia cannot be reasoned with in the best of circumstances. Do know this. We are all but flawed human beings doing the best we are able. For myself I have always known my limitations, and would never have taken on the care in home of even a much beloved elder. I simply am not capable of it. I am ready to admit my flaws and inadequacies and to do what I can, the best I can. There may come a time your Mom needs to go to care for your own good. And quite honestly perhaps for HER own good. She has trained you well in feeling guilty and inadequate throughout your life, so you will suffer then, but you will also have a chance at a real quality of life for your and your husband, and it will be well deserved. For those times you feel guilty I want you to remember that only the good feel guilty. Those who are narcissists or persons with other personality disorders do not feel guilty at all. Ever. Take care. Be good to yourself. Repeats some of the things Mom did and said, you and your hubby, and get the giggles under the covers.
Thank you. She really vented toward my husband tonight. I cant share her hateful words with him, I would never want him to know what she said. I would do anything on earth for her, but it is wearing me down mentally so fast....
I'm very sorry you were so hurt by your mother! Do you ever just walk out of hearing distance? I cry almost every day but, I've had a lot of loss in the last 10 years including my 5 years old granddaughter and her father, my 32 year old son. Both of my brothers and best friend. My mom has always avoided being responsible for my adult sibling's (6 of them) ignorance and irresponsibility. I paid for my own college education and lived in the city for 40 years only to be the family "know-it-all". Hurt, hurt and hurt! It has taken 10 years to teach my 4 remaining sisters how I will be treated. Do not just let yourself be the whipping boy. The old saying is true for everyone "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. Get out of hearing distance each and every time she's disrespectful to you. You have value!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
The great people on this forum are lifesavers. Knowing you're not along and surrounded by kindred spirits willing to give support and advice is life-changing. We've seen it many times.
Please take a look around this forum and conduct a search for the threads with "narcissism" or "narcissist" in the titles. Read them again and again. Read those threads involving narcs with other relatives than just "mother". There's a lot of information for you to understand about narcissism and how to protect yourself. *another hug*
We're here for you, and YOU MATTER!
My mom does not even have dementia. She just loses her mind at times. She goes on and on and on and on..... then cries when you shut her down.
She has turned my dad into a wimp using this technique.
I do not understand it at all. She can be very sweet, or she can be the most hyper-critical person on the planet. She's "like a box of chocolates." Her grandchildren no longer want to visit her because she has become so critical and negative. She doesn't like anyone's hairstyle or attire...ever, and is sure to let you know.
Not sure about your "codefendant". I am the only sibling close enough in proximity to care for her, she is 87 years old, can't drive, etc.
I do beleive this site is to help caregivers share. As much anguish as I go through, I won't walk off from her.
Thanks to the others who are giving me great comments!
Glad your here!
susan xoxoxo
Practicing this kind of belief isn’t easy at first, but once you can believe it, you can hear her stuff for what it is- loud angry nonsense.
Perhaps this is what the Bible means when there is mention of loving one’s neighbor, or one’s enemy, as oneself.
If she says something vile directed at me, I gather my stuff up and leave, no explanation. Go home and do not answer her calls for the rest of that day.
Sometimes she asks me why I left, I tell her and also make it clear that I will leave every time she is toxic to me, and I do.
I do not understand why you are so codependent towards her. Have you read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie? I would.
Apparently you have no boundaries in regard to her. Might be time to dig a little further and ask yourself why...why do you keep going back for more abuse.
She will not change it is up to you to change you and set some boundaries. Boundaries are set in place to protect you, say what you mean and mean what you say.
I'm not saying it doesn't work, it takes time in many cases that are long term. Narcs don't take well to others taking charge of their own life and it can cause a frenzy, especially when someone has danced to their tune unquestioningly for their entire lives.
People should be aware of all the potential outcomes when implementing anything new with narcs. Need is a perfect example of how it can escalate.
Narcs are always about themselves and they should never be trusted with our hearts or heads.
Your screen name says it all. There are tears and you don’t have to apologize or be embarrassed by your tears. Cry when you need to.
All I can say is do what you feel is truly best for you. You matter as much as your mom does.
You don’t say if your mom is living with you or you with her or if she is in a facility. I hope you are not caring for her full time because it becomes too hard. She most likely won’t change her behavior.
It’s good that you realize that you are miserable. That misery will only lead to a breaking point. We all have a limit to what we can do. If you have reached that limit try to make a plan to come to some sort of resolution to your situation. Speak to a therapist, reach out to people on this forum. People do care. Most of all care about yourself. Don’t neglect yourself.
I hope things get better for you very soon and you can find peace because you deserve it. You know that, don’t you? That you do deserve peace in your life.
I used to feel as you do. That everything fell in my lap. It wasn’t ever true even though that is what I believed.
My mom is no longer my responsibility and while I don’t want to have resentment for her or any human being on this planet, I do have to say that my life is 100 percent better now that I do not have the burden of caring for my mother any longer. She is temporarily with my brother and SIL until she is placed in a facility. It wasn’t the ending that I would have wanted but I am dealing with it. You will too. What’s the alternative?
You’re right. My mom would get more upset. Just needle me trying to get a reaction. I’d end up just walking away because if I hadn’t walked away I would have lost it.
We all have our limits.
Sometimes it does take awhile and it takes patience and it’s so hard at times to be patient if our nerves are frazzled.
I am sorry for your troubles, you do not deserve to bear the brunt of your mother's awful personality.
Please, for your own sanity, take several large steps away from her.
Have you EVER said "no, I won't put up with your abuse, Mother"? Ever?
You might be surprised by the result. She will either sputter and deny that she means anything bad by what she is saying or she will erupt in anger at you.
And that will...….not hurt you in any meaningful way. You are an adult. You can support yourself and you don't NEED your mother's approval
Hugs to you for all you have put up with.
Why would you do anything on earth for her? She knows that you have no boundaries and she will never stop being hateful until you stand up and say enough.
Best of luck and welcome aboard!
Welcome to this forum. Glad you found it and hope you will enjoy contributing help to others from all you have learned, asking for information that might help you cope, and feeling free to give the occasional "vent" to let off some steam.
You say that your Mom is a narcissist, and that she has pretty much run off everyone else in her life. Are you then the only caregiver? Are you the only sibling or the only sibling living nearby? How long have you been caring for your Mom?
Have you ever heard of "going grey rock"? It is a pretty useful device (or fun game) in which you respond gently, without argument, and in just a short phrase or two. Repeatedly. It gets a bit boring for the one who is attempting to engage you in the old "I-am-mean-and-you-cry" exercise.
Try also once in a while, when she is at her meanest to meet her with a bit of humor. When she does the rant on your hubby it would be fun to see her reaction if he let her go on and on and on and then said "Well, nevertheless, you are looking VERY attractive tonight".
I don't know if now dementia is added to the narcissistic personality; that never helps it a whole lot. And of course dementia cannot be reasoned with in the best of circumstances.
Do know this. We are all but flawed human beings doing the best we are able. For myself I have always known my limitations, and would never have taken on the care in home of even a much beloved elder. I simply am not capable of it. I am ready to admit my flaws and inadequacies and to do what I can, the best I can. There may come a time your Mom needs to go to care for your own good. And quite honestly perhaps for HER own good. She has trained you well in feeling guilty and inadequate throughout your life, so you will suffer then, but you will also have a chance at a real quality of life for your and your husband, and it will be well deserved.
For those times you feel guilty I want you to remember that only the good feel guilty. Those who are narcissists or persons with other personality disorders do not feel guilty at all. Ever.
Take care. Be good to yourself. Repeats some of the things Mom did and said, you and your hubby, and get the giggles under the covers.