I don't consider myself a classic alpa-typeA-aggressive type guy but for most of my working life I was sort of the lead dog, giving orders and having it done my way. I'm now 60, recently retired and due to tragic circumstances have become the sole caregiver for my parents. I should clarify that currently, I'm keeping up with things long distance and making the ten hour trip to my parents as various issues and crises develop. I make no claim to be a caregiver in the sense that many others are, living with their elders or taking elders into their homes. I've had to learn lots of practical stuff and also change my lead dog attitude. Dad with his dementia just doesn't respond well to me barking orders. Mom with depression over dads dementia cries a lot. I'm making changes in the way I relate and understand their many problems but I still have a ways to go. Any thoughts out there? Similar situations?
im not or was ever a captain but i did spend three years as a soldier in coldwar germany . ( us army ) 1976 - 1979 . i do / did not like the military life but i sincerely appreciate the medical care that the va affords me now . its extremely good care despite a few bad stories coming out of a few va hospitals .
Every dementia sufferer isn't the same or needing the same level of care. There is a saying that when you've met one person with dementia, you've met one person.
I wish that we could turn off our emotions at times. There are times when I want to cry because it's not fair that my dear, sweet, loving mother in law is now this angry, forgetful, sad faced, incontinent shell of her former self. There are times when she doesn't want a shower but she needs one that I want to just hurry through it businesslike to get it over with. There are times when she puts her unwashed hands in the cookie jar or plate of food that I get frustrated. Sleep should be a blissful end to a stressful day, but instead I'm listening with one ear open for her to get out of bed and go to the bathroom (in case she falls). It's just so undignified for her. We love her so much, and at the same time dread the days ahead.
Oh, to be a robot. But mom doesn't need a robot. She needs a loving family to help her navigate this part of her life. And we are striving to be just that. But we are human, and what worked yesterday doesn't necessarily work today, so everyday is a new day. Gosh I didn't mean to go on and on, I must have more feelings about this subject than I thought. Thank God for friends and family to help keep us sane, even if getting together is twice or three times more work and not always a happy ending. Sending love and best wishes to all of you!
This question is for Captain. Were you in the military? If so when and where.
I was enlisted so I never dated any commissioned men, but the men I did date were always gentlemen. Unfortunately, the man I married did a 180 after we married, but that is another story.
When I read about the battle of the mattress, boy could I relate. I went around and around with my parents on that one.... finally they agreed to take the mattress from the guest room bed and switch it out with their old one. They hadn't have guest stay over in the past 15 years, so why not.
Cleaning? Forget that, I tried to gift to my Mom a cleaning service and Mom was insulted. Oops, never mind.
Even today when I delivered their groceries [I do it on-line and pick up the already packed groceries from the store] my Dad said they would starve if it wasn't for me.... nope, Dad, you would be living in Ashby Ponds retirement village and taking the community bus to the grocery store daily or you would be ordering on-line and having home delivery.... [sigh].
You might want to get mom some antidepressants and definitely some time away from him. Dad is entering the angry phase of dementia. He knows he is forgetful and that makes him anxious. Anxiety meds may help him. So would a fishing trip, if he is so inclined. Even after being married a long time, a little vacation from each other can be very restorative.
"Elgarose"
( sharpening laser ice pick )