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DoggieMom,
You've got such a good heart. I know how complicated your feelings and thoughts are about all of this. Try to journal through it so you can work through it a bit in your mind. It must be a swirling stew of repetitive thoughts. There are so many levels of complexity here for both you and for Mark.
I've followed this story right along and I am convinced these are the right moves for all involved. Mark will feel more in control. You won't have to try to control what cannot BE controlled. And you will build slowly the life you deserve, still caring about this man you've loved.
Joan Didion once said that she "writes so I know what I think" and I guess this is true for lots of us. It helps the brain work it out. I think that our dreams help us work out where our head is at as well.
I have been following your story and am convinced that you would do just about anything for the good of all involved and I believe you have slowly and surely made all the right moves in this. That is not going to make it hurt less. Hugs to you, woman. Hug your pups close and love on them. Allow yourself to weep, then dry the tears, take a few motrin, and move on best you can. I am glad you have support.
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My feelings are very mixed, but that's to be expected. I just hope Mark's nephew is wise enough to navigate the system. I do know his nephew has been spending Mark's money on things he shouldn't ($200 at a liquor store, for example). It is not my problem anymore, but it does make me sad to see a man who is only sixty-two in such bad physical shape.
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Good, Doggiemom, you are slowly realizing this is no longer in your control. Back away. There is no reason now for you to know WHAT nephew spends on. And you should NOT know. Just back away muttering "not my circus not my monkeys". Nothing you can do. I know it will be hard to exticate yourself from this, but meddling in it will cause grief and dissention and help nothing.

This is what it will be and it won't be easy. Nothing about it ever was, right? Best place for you is 1,000 miles away.
When you talk on the phone discuss the weather. Be polite, don't ask, don't tell.
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Wow, things just keep turning for the worse. Mark hasn't been down in that part of Texas but four days and is in the ICU. He had more fluid build-up and they drained a liter of fluid in his lungs and I his right lung is having problems inflating much at all, hence the oxygen and the fluid build-up. Robert says Mark's blood pressure dropped to 60 on the high end, that is lower than it's ever been.
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DM,

Mark has been through many stages. It’s not easy for him or others to see this happening.
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NeedHelpWithMom yes is is tough. I make no predictions on anything these days, as all caregivers know it can go up and down, good to bad.
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DoggieMom,
I am sorry for this update on Mark. He will have a whole different medical team. Happily today they can get the records, but Mark's history is such a long one and they really don't have time to go over reams and reams of material to catch up on everything.
I think the move is difficult and I don't know how good the medical is there, but I think none of this bodes well.
I think that you have long known that Mark is a dying man, beset with all he has, there being no real cure for it, he has chosen to fight on and he will likely do that throughout.
I just am sorry. There's nothing else to say. I know you are now dealing with your own feelings of being separated through these bouts.
How are YOU doing?
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Thanks Alva, I am up and down, mostly just sad but trying to stay positive. I do know that most of his medical history has been transferred.
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Doggiemom, sad is ok, sad is a natural normal response, as long as you don't let it turn into depression. Stay strong!
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I am trying to not let my depression get the better of me. I have been applying for jobs and had about six interviews so far, I am frustrated that I have no heard back yet, but it has only been two weeks since my last one and they say prime hiring season for education in my location will be in July. I had a wave of sadness hit me today I guess because I will be in New Mexico on Saturday and I realize my life here in Texas is really coming to a close.

I was surprised to find out that Medicare charges a co-pay for oxygen, I guess I thought that Mark's insurance would cover it. I am sure he will have to have portable oxygen as he needed it to move down with Robert and with one lung being scarred, I am sure he will need it. Mark has had COPD for a long time, so I guess it's not too surprising. I wish they could 100% say what is causing him to have fluid build-up.
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No it is not a surprise. He has now been placed on oxygen. No one will bring up pallative care.
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I made it to my rental here in NM. I began training the dogs with the crates over a month ago. They got used to being on them because I gave them lots of treats and practiced putting them in. The flight went well. Sky barely turned 2 so still very puppish did whine for some but not much. Pepita zoned out, but she is 8 so much more chill. No big hiccups really. Mark will be released from the hospital as it was just to keep an eye on his blood pressure.
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Doggie mom,

I'm so glad you are getting your life together, I'm sure you still worry and still think, to much probably, if your anything like me. But your doing awesome. I'm glad the doggies are happy too. You have finally found so peace in your life.

I'm sure you will have bad days like we all do , just brush them off and soke up the good days.
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DoggieMom,

Glad the trip went smoothly for you and your pups.
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Thanks DoggieMom for this update on your journey. So glad it went well this step, as it's a big one. You will be really busy for a while. We will stay tuned!
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Mark was told by a doctor he is looking at 2 to 3 years so I guess he is finally realizing things are not great. The divorce papers are filed so hopefully he can get Medicaid and palliative care with the oxygen. I did get an urn for him with two of our dogs' remains to be sent to him, Polly and Kawaii. We both cried and I am trying to be kind to him and I hope he gets good care.
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DM,

So sorry for the loss of your pups. Our animals become a part of our family. We grieve for them.

You have been through so much grief with Mark. I hope you’re at peace with your life now.

Take care.
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Mark saw a specialist for his hip and the pins are messed up. They said it would require another full hip replacement, but the surgeon told him with his current conditions the surgery could wind up killing him, so no hip revision.
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No, DM, there's no way Mark could tolerate a revision in the surgery to hips, not to my mind.
How are you adjusting to your new place. Have thought of you.
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Hi Alva, thanks for thinking of me. I have had some interviews two days after getting here and debating whether so should take a kindergarten teacher position. I said I was not the world's best teacher, but I guess I could give it a shot for a year. Librarian jobs are scarce and I have a year to finish my degree, so maybe I should.

It is nice and people are friendly. I got out of Mesquite just before those huge storms hit with downed power lines and major damage. I am sad a lot but trying not to let others know.
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I am so sad and upset at Mark being stubborn and not accepting the offer of hospice. I was suffering a lot of PTSD seizures that have calmed down since moving but had a bad one this morning because I had a night terror I was being kept in hell and being drowned in a small room because “this is what I get for abandoning someone.” I will not try to talk Mark into hospice, but my heart breaks to see him on dialysis four times a week now and the fluid in his body especially lungs and feet will not go away.

I hope Mark will accept hospice help so he can be more comfortable. I know he is scared and angry and who knows how long he has? I am talking kindly to him about day-to-day things to keep up his spirits. I am transferring my teaching license to NM and hopeful about having a job in Aug. My 10 years teaching experience means I don’t have to retake tests to be certified just prove my licensure and pay a fee. I have some retirement savings in TX already, so that is good. Only 25 years until I can retire!

My doggies are good, going on walks. My oldest, Pepita, has patellar luxation. She can’t go very far so I got her a stroller. I walk Sky and push her so it works well.
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Oh doggie mom, I'm so sorry, I get it, I don't see my mom ever giving up and I fear that she is going to live a horrible ending, because of her fear of dieing. It will break my heart , and distoy me. If I let it.

We have to remember this is there choice, and we can't let it ruin us because of the choices they make!
That's what this forums for to keep are head held high.

My friend who's husband and dad died in November, woke up one day last week happy, for the first time. I told her she is starting to heal. And told her she will have bad days still but hold on to that one good day, and when the bad days come , remember that good day, and know in your heart that there will be more good days to come.

So hold on to you good days, or hours or moments. And know you will have more.
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