I had a strong desire to call my mom today.
I haven’t called mom very frequently, no more than once a week because I needed time for myself to adjust after my caregiver days ended.
Then as most of you know, my husband got prostate cancer so naturally my heart was first and foremost with him.
He is the love of my life. Next month we will celebrate 43 years of marriage.
As most of you know, my brothers and I have a strained relationship.
I took care of mom for 20 years all alone as the primary caregiver, 15 years in my home and was heading for completely burning out. I tried to involve my brothers in mom’s care but they weren’t interested in anything but themselves.
When my brothers were involved it was to criticize me because mom had a habit of stirring the pot, which caused stress for everyone.
I got fed up and told my mom to go live with my brother and sister in law. I had done more than my share.
Needless to say, this is never the relationship that anyone wishes to have with family members. I always desired to live in harmony.
Sometimes family dynamics evolve into complex situations filled with a mixed bag of emotions.
I don’t know how I managed to be the primary caregiver for as long as I did. Parkinson’s disease is brutal.
I also cared for my oldest brother and dad before they died. I have seen so much sadness in my life due to various issues.
It changed me watching my mother suffer endlessly. I lived in depression and had enormous anxiety as a primary caregiver without help.
My brother answered the phone when I called mom today.
He told me that mom is now bed bound in a hospice facility. I feel relieved that she is now in a facility. It’s truly for the best.
One of our long time posters (Lealonnie) comforted me throughout my entire caregiving and afterwards. I will forever be grateful. She has a heart of gold and truly understands suffering. She told me that my brother would see what I went through with my mom as he cared for her in his home. She was 100 percent correct!
We needed distance from each other in order for healing to occur. He apologized to me and said, “I now know what you went through. I am so sorry that I wasn’t a brother for you to talk to. I was wrong and should have supported you.” I cried so hard hearing these words.
When he took over mom’s care I did not interfere as he did with me. Mom would never complain to me about him because she is very old fashioned and won’t criticize a man. It’s common for some women in mom’s era to feel like the man has authority over women. Mom is 95.
I am so grateful for everyone on this forum. You have helped me more than you know. I can’t list everyone because the list would be too long but I hope you know how much I have appreciated your help.
This is a very emotional time for me. I will be going to see my mom very soon.
Perfect occasion to celebrate.
I'm also relieved that you've seen your mom and that she is comfortable.
Wonderful news. I bet you feel relieved. I am so happy the radiation treatments are successful. I am happy for your husband and family. Hugs.
I know that catching cancer early on is key in how the treatment goes. His had not spread so the radiation treatments were able to be targeted at one specific area.
I appreciate your kindness. It helps so much to feel your warmth and support.
Awhile back my cousin sent me photos from our family from when we were children. They are very special to me because all of our photos along with everything else were destroyed in Hurricane Katrina. Mom was smiling when she looked at them.
I truly believe that she feels good about being there. She even said that she was sorry that she was a burden. I always knew that she hated being an imposition on us.
It really is hard on the entire family when a loved one requires a lot of care in a home setting. I do hope that anyone who is struggling with care at home will strongly consider placement in a hospice house or nursing home.
She was telling me something very interesting today. She said that she has been dreaming of my father a lot.
She also says that she sees a little girl about five years old. She’s comforted by this child. She says the little girl told her that she would be there until the very end and not to be afraid.
I bet hospice nurses hear so many interesting conversations.
I did better today with my visit. I had less anxiety. I got to spend time alone with mom and we spoke about lots of pleasant memories such as pets that we had in the past, my many cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents and so on.
Mom spoke about her school days. Believe it or not, she and I had some of the same nuns. They remembered my mom and aunt when they taught me.
So, we went down memory lane. It was nice.
I’m happy to hear your relationship with your family has vastly improved. Just being able to see & speak to your Mom again during the final years of her life must be such a huge comfort.
Maybe the little girl she’s dreaming about is you when you were younger. ❤️
You’ve been through a lot over the years and it’s comforting to hear your husband got good news.
There were a lot of similarities in our relationships with our brothers and I’m glad yours finally opened his eyes and admitted he was wrong. I don’t hold out any such hopes.
You sound so happy now in your posts and I wish you good health, love & happiness. 🙏🏻❤️
That means a lot to me. Yes, we did have similarities.
I hope one day things will improve for you. I was in shock! I never, ever expected this turn around.
He said that they were both crying. Then he told her how sorry that he was.
He was very happy about her response. She told him that every night she would pray for a way out of being a burden to her family. I do believe her. She felt horrible about not being able to care for herself.
I always knew that she feared facility care which is normal.
It’s fear of the unknown and it certainly can take a bit of time to adjust.
I asked the aid if mom was afraid the first night. She said that she wasn’t and hasn’t been upset at all.
She is where she needs to be. She is relieved not to have to move about.
Parkinson’s disease is truly horrific as it progresses.
The people who were diagnosed earlier in their lives have it much worse. Their symptoms progress more rapidly.
I hope she won’t suffer endlessly. She is ready to be with my father in the afterlife.
I do have one concern that I don’t actually know what to say.
She has apologized for my brother, sister in law having to care for her.
More than anything else in the world I don’t want her to feel any guilt.
I don’t know if I could say to her that it was okay because she knows that it was a hardship.
How should I word it so she won’t feel horrible about her living with us? I want to say to her, ‘Mom, it’s over.’ Is that enough?
My daddy apologized for anything that he did wrong before he died.
I told him that all parents make their share of mistakes and that their wasn’t any need to apologize.
He got a little upset and asked me to allow him to apologize, so I did.
I told him that I was a normal kid that made mistakes too.
Overall, daddy and I good relationship.
Sometimes, I felt like he didn’t understand me but I realized later that he really did.
My mom is a different story. So, it is hard during this time knowing exactly what to say. I do feel that her apology is sincere.
I definitely don’t have any desire to rehash the past with her and I don’t think she wishes to either.
Maybe I fear that happening though because mom would discuss past issues so much.
I am not sure what has caused this change in behavior.
I think it is largely due to the Seroquel and Ativan.
I wanted her to take something to calm her when she lived with me and she wouldn’t.
Hospice suggested it and she does. Go figure.
I want to encourage everyone to utilize the use of psych meds when needed. They are working beautifully for my mom. Her anxiety is greatly reduced.
I’m glad your mother is peaceful and comfortable, sounds like a terrific team caring for her
Mom and I have been talking and I see her everyday. She is glad to see me.
Mom does seem much less anxious. I think that it did make her feel better to apologize.
I’m sure her frustration caused a lot of her behavior. I did accept her apology and thank her.
We are no different than any other family. All of us said harsh things that we didn’t mean. Nevertheless, some things that were said couldn’t be avoided.
I have heard good things about the Boundaries book on this forum so I bet the workshop classes are very good to attend.
I do feel what you said is true. It makes sense. When my dad apologized for things before he died, it came out of the blue and caught me off guard.
daughterof1930, thank you for letting us know about when someone apologizes to us. We should say thank you for your apology and NOT saying that’s ok, or no problem. I use to say those all the time. Not anymore!!! I’m glad you mentioned this!!
My mom is so funny!
She loves the buttons on her hospital bed.
Oh my gosh, she had her bed raised to the highest level.
The nurses have told me that sometimes they unplug it LOL to keep her from raising it so high.
She used to push the button on her lift chair like that. One time she almost threw herself out of the chair. She’s got a thing for those buttons.
Thanks so much. Sometimes it does go the other way. My husband isn’t close to his brothers and you know how it can be. Time can slip away.
I plan on going tomorrow. Mom hasn’t pressured any of us at all to be there constantly.
She is happy to see us when we arrive. The nursing staff and aides are so lovely.
Mom and our family are truly blessed to have found such a caring hospice house.
Awesome that she's dreaming about your dad & seeing a small girl who's talking to her now, preparing her for the transition to the other side. She's drawing comfort from these dreams & interactions, which is great, so she's readying herself for the next phase of her eternal life. I hope she has no more suffering here, and the rest of her time in hospice stays relaxed & is filled with good visits from her family members. This is as it SHOULD be in our final days, you know?
I've read several books written by hospice nurses conveying their varied experiences with their patients as they live out their final days. VERY interesting books, although I can't remember the titles. Hospice nurses have GREAT stories indeed!
Glad to hear DH has normal PSA levels now too, thank God!
Sending you a hug and a prayer that peace washes over you as you go through this process with your mom. You've been a great daughter to her so you should take comfort in that knowledge.
I do want her final time on this earth to be peaceful.
I am extremely grateful that the calming meds are helping her.
Even at 95 in hospice, she is telling me how she doesn’t like the stray hairs that grows out of her chin. LOL
Mom has always been conscientious of her looks!
She just asked me to text my brother to bring her tweezers that are in the pocket of her walker.
There is nothing wrong with her memory! It’s amazing.
We don’t have her walker in her room because she can’t use it. She stays in bed.
She has a private room. We are still rotating our visits.
You are a good daughter. It’s an honor to have you share your journey with us.
I pray you and your mom both have a peaceful night.
Colleen
She likes watching the old television shows like Andy Griffith.
Or she will ask me to put on the cooking shows but her favorite show is Young and The Restless! Hahaha
It’s funny, because her mom, my grandmother started listening to soap operas on the radio. Guiding Light used to come on the radio.
I don’t watch the soaps but mom loves telling me about all of the characters.
All I know is that guy, Victor has been on that show for many years!
We know the family of one of the actors because he’s from New Orleans. My cousin is friends with him. I can’t think of his name. I think he plays a lawyer on the show.
Those shows move to slow for me. They will still be on the same plot for months!
After many months of tweezing, I got one of those "personal groomer" mini shavers for mom's chin. Worked really well. Less painful.
Thanks! I will buy one tomorrow.