I had a strong desire to call my mom today.
I haven’t called mom very frequently, no more than once a week because I needed time for myself to adjust after my caregiver days ended.
Then as most of you know, my husband got prostate cancer so naturally my heart was first and foremost with him.
He is the love of my life. Next month we will celebrate 43 years of marriage.
As most of you know, my brothers and I have a strained relationship.
I took care of mom for 20 years all alone as the primary caregiver, 15 years in my home and was heading for completely burning out. I tried to involve my brothers in mom’s care but they weren’t interested in anything but themselves.
When my brothers were involved it was to criticize me because mom had a habit of stirring the pot, which caused stress for everyone.
I got fed up and told my mom to go live with my brother and sister in law. I had done more than my share.
Needless to say, this is never the relationship that anyone wishes to have with family members. I always desired to live in harmony.
Sometimes family dynamics evolve into complex situations filled with a mixed bag of emotions.
I don’t know how I managed to be the primary caregiver for as long as I did. Parkinson’s disease is brutal.
I also cared for my oldest brother and dad before they died. I have seen so much sadness in my life due to various issues.
It changed me watching my mother suffer endlessly. I lived in depression and had enormous anxiety as a primary caregiver without help.
My brother answered the phone when I called mom today.
He told me that mom is now bed bound in a hospice facility. I feel relieved that she is now in a facility. It’s truly for the best.
One of our long time posters (Lealonnie) comforted me throughout my entire caregiving and afterwards. I will forever be grateful. She has a heart of gold and truly understands suffering. She told me that my brother would see what I went through with my mom as he cared for her in his home. She was 100 percent correct!
We needed distance from each other in order for healing to occur. He apologized to me and said, “I now know what you went through. I am so sorry that I wasn’t a brother for you to talk to. I was wrong and should have supported you.” I cried so hard hearing these words.
When he took over mom’s care I did not interfere as he did with me. Mom would never complain to me about him because she is very old fashioned and won’t criticize a man. It’s common for some women in mom’s era to feel like the man has authority over women. Mom is 95.
I am so grateful for everyone on this forum. You have helped me more than you know. I can’t list everyone because the list would be too long but I hope you know how much I have appreciated your help.
This is a very emotional time for me. I will be going to see my mom very soon.
I have to go now. I am sorry, I started crying again just typing about it.
Goodnight.
I wouldn’t have stayed either if my brother wasn’t with me. I would have been scared.
I’m so sorry!!!! Hugs to you!!! Please try and get some rest and talk to us later.
Prayers and hugs going out to you and your mom.
Tick, tock, tick, tock... time,
For stillness.
I do believe that my father is waiting for my mom.
My daughter’s boyfriend told her the sweetest thing.
He said, “Soon your grandmother will be dancing with your grandfather again.” It made her feel better to hear that.
She feels awful about being in Colorado.
My daughters spent plenty of time with my mom throughput their lives. I told them that their grandmother knows how much they love her.
She is so busy with work and physical therapy and has decided to come home after mom dies.
Her boss is very understanding, which is nice.
My oldest daughter feels absolutely awful about being sick with Crohn’s disease.
I don’t want her to feel badly about that.
She recently had surgery to remove scar tissue from ulcers being removed, she has had many ulcers but hopefully this clean up procedure of the scar tissue will prevent or delay removing sections of her colon.
The flare ups are awful in Crohn’s disease.
I totally understand that she can’t go out.
She feels so badly about being in the hospital so often and not being to be able with us.
I want her to take care of herself. She’s so young to be suffering, 32.
I know that this will sound horrible but I don’t want my mom to die on my anniversary as a reminder every year.
Then again, it doesn’t really matter. All I want is for her to be at peace.
I want to go see mom but I don’t want to go see her.
Maybe, I don’t know what I want right now.
I have a friend that says Father’s Day is bittersweet because while he loves celebrating the day with his children, he is sad because his dad died on Father’s Day.
It’s kind of weird getting random disturbing thoughts at times.
Daughter, I think the hospice nurse that made the statement about them being mostly gone but the body has to catch up is so correct! This happened with my brother too.
I just sit in her room now, sort of frozen.
I know that the nurse says she can hear us but she is practically deaf.
My mom started reading lips years ago and her eyes are closed now. So, how can she know what I am saying?
I wonder if a person’s soul leaves their body first.
Does that sound weird? I have heard that is what happens in NDE cases. It’s a mystery.
I thank all of you again for your support and I apologize for rambling.
I think I will make some coffee and eat a little cereal.
((((((Hugs))))) and happy anniversary.
I catch myself putting pressure on myself.
I say this because my mom’s caregiver told me that mom told her that she doesn’t want us postpone our lives.
It’s odd watching parents age.
My mom was the glue that held the family together.
She was the calming force when daddy would argue with my oldest brother.
So, to see her helpless now, is really difficult.
I can’t relay all of my feelings because they are personal memories that I don’t care to speak about too much. It’s fine to tell about circumstances to explain a situation but I can’t bear to think about certain things continually. It hurts too much.
I work on not playing the same records (painful times) over and over in my head. It doesn’t help me and actually makes me feel worse. I prefer to remember the good times.
I am very grateful to my therapist who has helped me move forward in certain areas.
I do wish that I would have thought to ask my mom if she wanted to speak to someone.
I just felt that she never would have, so I never asked.
Mom led an interesting life. One of my friends who authored a book on local history wanted to interview her for a sequel to his book.
My mom never saw herself as interesting and said, “Why would he want to speak to me?”
You know, that was my mom. Very modest but I swear she could do so many things.
My grandfather was a shipbuilder. Well, he built small boats for men to go fishing in. He got so many orders that he couldn’t possibly fill all of the orders.
One day grandpa told a man, “I can’t take any more orders. Why don’t you ask my daughter? She can build you a skiff!” LOL, I asked mom how old was she. She says, “About 15.” She didn’t build the skiff.
She preferred sewing. She didn’t make ‘money’ but the woman that she sewed for would buy her fabric to make herself a dress too.
She would go to store windows as a teenager, draw a sketch, make the dress, without a pattern! I told her, “Mom, you are a fashion designer!” I would come home from school and see new draperies on the windows. She even reupholstered our sofa!
She made gorgeous clothes for me, costumes for Halloween and Mardi Gras, etc.
All of us have our own unique memories, don’t we? I love hearing them.
I loved hearing about Barb’s mom graduation, Golden’s mom was fascinating, I think Glad’s mom sewed like my mom, so many mom and dad stories.
I like reading the stories. I do love human interests stories and knowing what makes someone tick.
I loved when my grandpa would build us toys with the leftover wood from his ship building.
I have seen photos of the Shipbuilders in Louisiana. There is a museum in Madisonville, Louisiana that tells their story.
My daddy took woodworking classes. He built lots of pretty things.
I love seeing beautifully hand made items, no matter what it is.
My mom worked the craft fairs for years, selling hand sewn items, crochet items, etc. She sold lots.
I have decided to take the day off to be with my husband for our anniversary. Barb, your words made me realize that it’s okay to want only happy memories for my anniversary. Thanks, I was torn.
Hubby is working from home today.
Most days he works from home due to Covid but he occasionally has to go into the office.
We can go out to dinner later on. I am not much of a drinker but I may order a drink tonight!
My husband was a handsome bartender attending Tulane University when I met him.
He asked me out. The rest is history!
And thank you for reminding me of a happy memory. My parents had little money when I was a child, though it was never emphasized. My mother would take me shopping, and I remember so many times picking out pretty dresses. I didn’t realize there was no money for that. Each time my mom would reach in her purse and pull out a 3x5 index card, she always carried them, and a pen. She’d stand there and draw the dress I loved, we’d go to a fabric store and pick out something close to what I’d admired. Mom made my clothes from her drawings on those 3x5 cards. I’ll never know how she managed that, along with making clothes for Barbies, so tiny!
Daughter,
Oh my gosh! My mom made Barbie clothes too! How did they sew those tiny clothes?
I didn’t have a million Barbies like kids today. I had one! The original. I did have Skipper. She was cute.
Mom asked me if I wanted Ken. I had no desire for Ken, hahaha 🤣. I preferred my little brother’s GI Joe! He was cool!
I didn’t have the car or the dream house. I had some accessories. Those shoes were tiny!
Our moms were fashion designers, right? Sketch and sew!
Mom made myBarbie clothes, too. Yep, only one Barbie back in those days!
I had the typical blonde Barbie. There was a redhead Barbie, because she is rare, that one is worth a lot of money.
Mom didn’t keep all of our stuff. Can’t keep everything! Anything she had kept was totally destroyed in Hurricane Katrina.
Happy anniversary to you and your hubby!
44 years for you! 43 for me! Where did the years go?
Sometimes, I look at us now and think that it all went by too quickly.
It is difficult to watch and wait. Has the hospice nurse or doc given you an estimate of how much longer your mom has?
She just said she is dying but not sure exactly when and that sometimes a patient will surprise her by lingering longer.
No more ice chips are being given, only swabs.
I hope daddy comes for her. She missed him so much. He died in 2002. They were married 55 years.
I played a few hymns on my phone for her. Don’t know if she heard them but it made me feel a bit better.
Thanks for caring, Elaine and Polar. It does help not to feel so alone in this. I have my brothers but it’s nice sharing feelings with other women.
And that whatever you are feeling: fear, peace, laughter, calm, agitation, that's okay too ((((((((hugs)))))))
I think that I am coming to terms with it all but not completely prepared. I keep thinking of Mother’s Day and how it will feel.
I am talking to her even though she is unresponsive. It feels a bit odd but I want to believe that she hears me.
Her favorite hymns are How Great Thou Art, Amazing Grace and Ave Maria, so I played those.
The hospice staff say that they do hear us. They are always around the dying so I feel that they have a great deal of credibility.
Praying for you all tonight. You are sweet to play those hymns for your mom.
Colleen
Your support and prayers mean so much to me.
I think that I will turn in early. I am too tired to eat dinner. I wasn’t very hungry earlier. I did eat a turkey sandwich for lunch.