Hello all.
I'm a 30 year old freelance-independent worker in Los Angeles. I work maybe 10 out of 12 months of the year. The past month and a half I wasn't working because I wasn't offered any work. Which is normal in my industry. I usually live off unemployment and take side gigs until I get my next job. The problem is that my VERY HEALTHY and CAPABLE MOTHER lives with me and is unemployed. She never looks like she's trying to search for jobs. And if she does, she always yells about how no one is hiring her, or she doesn't want to just slave for anyone cause she's spent her life working for people that have done her wrong. My mother is a huge skeptic and always thinks people are trying to steal her identity. So she gets into rages and startes yelling at me randomly about how Americans are (fill in the negative blank word). My mother is from a different country and is a green card holder for over 30 years. I was raised as a single child and no father. She was married once, and had everything taken away from her. She lived in her car for maybe a year...and was homeless when I was in college after she lost her very good job. She lost her job I would say in 2009 and hasn't been able to get a good job since then. She was working last year, but they laid her off after working with them for 4 months. So I get it. She's tired of being disappointed every single time work comes along.
What really is messing with my psyque is that every time she says she's going to do something for herself she never does it. Just 3 days ago, she said she was going to make mother's day bears and sell them to others for money... I rolled my eyes and left to go to work cause I knew it wasn't going to get done. I got home yesterday after work. The bag of bears is just sitting there. Never touched. I asked her, "what happened to your mothers day bears?" She said "oh I can't find my computer... its so weird. I think someone stole it. *By the way, my mother is unorganized and always forgets where she puts things. And her way of trying to not take responsibility for her organization is by blaming someone else took it, or it magically disappeared*. Another excuse she uses A LOT is "I don't know how to do that stuff. You know how to do it. Can you just do it for me? Or we go into business together?" Last 3 times I went into business with me mom, nothing got done to the standard of how I operate my business. And it's hard for me to train her because her technology level is not that great and my patience level is even worse.
So anyways... she's always saying she's going to start a business.. or do something, or create something. For 5-6 years now, she's buys things... and never completes it. I'm frustrated, tired and annoyed. Because I pay $1700 in rent on my own (which is EXPENSIVE for 1 person to pay for a 2 bedroom who barely cleared $30,000 this year), the internet she uses, the car note for the car she drives, and cellphone. Not a single bill has been on time since my mother moved in with me 5 years ago except the rent. Because I refuse to be homeless. I moved my mother in with me because I didn't want her to live on the street anymore. But I wanted my own room and space because I never once had my own room since I was 10 years old. So I wanted my own sanctuary. But That was on agreement that my mom would help pay some bills.
So the bills she pays for are the Car insurance and the electricity. Which totals maybe around $200 a month.
I told my mom over and over again that I need help paying bills. She says "ok". Yet she still doesn't have a job.
So today. I decided to finally change the internet password and cellphone data password. She doesn't have anymore internet to watch her youtube videos on all day with. I'm cutting her off. She's either going to stay home and watch the white walls, or be forced to go out and make something of herself. I would even be happy with her joining a community center and meeting people then her being at home all day and filling her head with the news all day.
I come home and shes angry yelling everytime about something in the news. I could care less!!
I decided I have to be rich in order to be happy and have my own place, and throw my mom in a small little apartment by herself so I could get my sanity back. As a 30 year old woman, I feel like I can't invite friends over or boys over comfortably. Her energy to this day has started to have negative effects on me. And I feel like I have no friends or boyfriends to go over to and escape. All I can do at home is write and watch netflix movies to escape my world.
Sorry this was long and came off as a rant. But anyone here have an experience like this? Or would like to give advice or shed some light on my situation here? Good, bad comments are welcomed. I just want advice... cause in all honesty... i've lost respect of my mother and I wish I was just alone now. She hasn't brought anything positive to my life in the past 10 years...
Do not accept her blame or guilt. You can not care more about her than she does. To say im fine with being homeless, yet you all are so bad for not helping when I was homeless. If she's not mentally ill, she is a master manipulator. Does she go out socially? Talking to herself could be from self isolation, we are not created to be alone to much. Also, loads of anger can make you nutty and she is obviously angry.
You can do this, you can be strong and not own her blame and guilt, it is not yours. Best of luck.
I agree!! And like you said, I'm still a young career professional just trying to get my bearings together still! I don't have the funds or means to move right now because I'm still trying to work my butt off to get the right opportunity for me. I just hate the fact that the only option is for ME to move out for her to leave. And she says she doesn't care if she's homeless. Don't worry about her. Yet she already blamed me and guilt tripped me and my whole family for not helping her when she was homeless a few years ago. And I can't have that on my head again. I wasn't able to help her before cause I was in college living in someone else's house as a roommate. She blames me for not helping her! Plus she has a boyfriend of 10 years! Why aren't they living together you may ask?? oh I know why... cause SHE SAID she "wants to not be bothered by him sometimes." Her dysfunctional way of thinking has rubbed off on me and I can't take it anymore. I literally feel myself going insane and becoming a negative atom.
During this time, I would also see if you could take her for a mental health evaluation. She may have an underlying disorder that causes her to be paranoid and forgetful, or she may not. But it wouldn't hurt to get her checked out. Hugs to you, you are so young and probably would like to start your own family someday. You need be able to have your life back.
Perhaps she is having a hard time finding a job because of her attitude towards Americans. She is always able to return to her country so she doesn't have to deal with them. People can read prejudice and do not want to employee it for fear of lawsuits.
Best of luck getting your own life back. Now you know why she was homeless.
'Mom, I can't afford a 2 bedroom apt without your contribution. In 3 months, I will be moving to a 1 bedroom apt --- ON MY OWN. You need to make other arrangements for where you will live. '
I am glad you turned off the internet and cellphone. AND if you aren't ready to move in three months, just have the locks changed. Good luck and keep us posted.