Mother-In-Law is 97 y.o., in excellent health except for failing short term memory and the onset of dementia. Her needs are few because she is so self sufficient however she never baths. She does take a cat bath or sponge bath but it's proving to be insufficient. There are times when the odor emanating from her is over powering. So much so that her brother, whom we recently visited with her, called the next day to inform us. Some of it is urine because despite not being incontinent she does have a small leakage issue (like when she sneezes). The other odor, as far as I can discern, is a feminine hygiene issue. Being her son-in-law I'm not real comfortable with bringing the subject up and it turns out neither is my wife. So I'm not sure how to address this with her. Looking for some suggestions to get past this situation.
Please forgive me but I'll be brutally honest. No offense intended.
You don't mention if she lives with you or not.
If she does, how do you keep her "smell" from getting on the furniture? Do you put down barriers like incontinence pads? Air freshener?
If she lives alone, there's not much you can do. Is she neglecting the house also?
In fact, until SOMEONE is able to confront the hygiene issue with her, there will be no solving the problem. If you're not ready to speak up, then you and others have to live with the smell.
As her dementia progresses, she will need MORE care and that's when she will be bathed (hopefully thoroughly) by her caregivers.
Since you and your wife don't want to tell her she "stinks, smells or has BO", I guess you can wait until she progresses to need the care. It all depends on how bad the odor is and how much you can stand. Could her brother bring it up?
Everyone thinks poor hygiene causes illness, and, to a point, they are right. But frequent (daily) bathing is something new that we all take for granted. Only in the last 50 years has it been a "rule". She will not die or even get sick from poor pubic hygiene. It just smells disgusting to everyone around her. There is a possibility of a bladder infection if she "wipes up" from the anal area past the urethra (urinary tube). But, if she hasn't had a UTI recently or frequently, chances are she won't.
It's up to you when or if you ever mention anything. At her age, she may need care taking within a year anyway.
Your MIL, at 97, needs assistance. Think of all the steps involved in bathing, bathroom agendas, dressing, it's a lot. Consider all this with her age, short term memory loss & dementia. Her dripping & leaking, resulting in odors, signifies she is incontinent as well, a health issue. Incontinence is never a small leakage, a little drip or occasionally. She is unaware of her odor or the reasoning for it, another health issue. She is not bathing, her "cat baths" are not enough for her needs, she is not self sufficient.
Is your MIL still living independently, alone? Does she have anyone assisting her? If her family members are unable to share or take on the role of caregiving, & it sounds like it's needed, then it may be time to find a personal aide to assist her. An assisted living, memory care or nursing home are other options depending on her health & needs. An assessment would determine that.
It sounds like there's denial going on, a "she's ok at 97," attitude & she's not, she's struggling. That's sad. There's her dignity, safety issues & health concerns to consider as well. If she's alone there's accidents just waiting to happen, especially with a memory impairment.
I wish you the best going forward. I commend you, as a SIL, for your care & concern.
Blessings 🌸
I think her daughter needs to have a private talk with Mom about the odor, offer to take her to the doctor to see if it's a medical issue, ask if she needs assistance with bathing, or whatever else she and Mom can think of to solve the problem.
If her own daughter doesn't want to do that, son-in-law's options, IMO, are (1) butt out or (2) call APS or the local Health Dept.
At the time the chronic dry skin was found she was in a facility that would leave her sitting in a bath for up to 45 mins, or sponge bathe her (also after a hip replacement) .... Her clothes would be full of dried skin flakes I would have to take them out side to shake them out before I'd even allow them in my washing machine. (I did her laundry the facility would leave her clothing lost or stolen)... so yes I've been there with seeing her skin as if it was snowing around her and ten redness appears as almost generalized burns to her extremities ) ..
I demanded change from bath to shower, they would not comply. It has taken two years (now lives with me) of skin therapy special lotions and physical rehydration to stop the chronic dry skin. Water is a necessity to wash bacteria and dirt away, but when left to sit in it such as a Beth, or left to un-rinsed soaps or pre-soaped sponge bath wipes, both techiques dries anyone's skin, and with elder skin, it's ten fold. So now (over the past 2 years) only showers, and specific lotions are applied before being pat-dried off ... and a continual balanced hydration level via fluids is maintained. (Otherwise, "skin" becomes weak, vulnerable and serves less a protection feature of us humans than intended)
I don't think anyone on this site actually requested the SIL to assist his MIL. It seems like everyone is offering suggestions for the family.
I commended the SIL for being concerned for his MIL, caring as well.
That being said, who should & shouldn't help if it's needed, especially in an emergency situation? Anyone who is available & capable, but, you have to want to.
It's not only acceptable for women to caregive everyone. Men can caregive also & are good at it, I've witnessed it. Their role is not limited to a wife or child. I know men who have cared for their mom, dad, or both & at the same time. If a man cares (key word) & the situation warrants it, I do feel they would step up to the plate, no matter.
As a caregiver to my brother with ALZ I have helped him since day 1. Did I think I would do this, ever be doing this for my brother? Or that I even could? No, but I did without hesitating.
I think we should never underestimate any caregiver & give credit where it's due, woman or man. There's something about listening & watching anyone of them, they make everything sound & look easy.
Dear Daughterlu,
Totally in agreement with you! It's really all about the "new normal."
Blessings 🌸
And I dont care what you folks think should be thought of as "progress regarding humility and privacy and the male or female bathing assistance. (We are not talking a physician we are not talking a dentist and we are not talking the "in-hospital stay" depersonalization that hospitals are known to do to patients via privacy removal by the throw everyone in the same gown and you are now known as a room number, and for the most part you are removed from the decision of who takes care of you..) .....
We are how-ever talking about personal Bathing assistance in which involves more than just the nude body .. it involves the actual touching "via" the washing of very private areas of the body .. and if either of your mothers were in this son-in-laws situation regarding his mother-in-law, I can guarantee (I hope to god) that you wouldn't sit there and tell your mother "mom it's the new normal so let this 22 year old young man clean your vaginal and breast areas and I don't want to hear a word of your embarrassment." ... my god.
I don't see a shortage of female to female help nor male to male help (or what ever matched "help one chooses) or any other shortage of patient choice regarding aid sex discretion shortage going on. .. but what I do hear (read) is just a whole lot of jabber to jabber, and that's conserning and it speaks volumes of the ones doing it.
I am with you. My husband is amazing with my mom. I do work hard to plan our schedule so he doesn't need to do the intimate care...I have daughters who come help... But he has assisted with showering, bed baths, changing, feeding, moving her from bed to wheelchair to recliners, and other daily tasks for over three years. I could not do it without him. Sometimes my mom is more agitated with me but will calm for him. We tag team it all and I am thankful for such an amazing partner. By the way, we shared in the care of his father 25 years ago when he had congestive heart failure. We also care for his mother, she just doesn't need as much hands on care at this time. I am blessed.
He also didn't ask, nor speak one word about needing suggestions from any of you how to learn how to pitch in. (Yet wow, so many stories) .... He also didn't ask any of you how to better teach his family to help (yet there again so many stories ....
So, what does he have to read? for all of you to change his question and make into topic that you prefer?
I can assume he's long past the point of how to fit his mother in law into his family dynamic, and has now simply hit a sensitive problem. He clearly posted the issues they have with her hygiene .. so perhaps respond to that specific call for help rather than responding on """ his"" question by conversating on "this is how we should all help" telling everyone it takes a village to raise an elder type crud.
... And anyone else suggesting to poster that he and his wife hire bathing help, kudos to you as well.
Personal thoughts; There are many of us who still hold parent/ child (in law included) as a private respectable dynamic regardless any aging mental or physical disabilities of said elders .... bathing and hygiene falls on the other side of that dynamic of which many of us draw the line. For those of us that find the act of cleaning an adults private areas a phychological disturbance, I commend us for retaining that dignity in both our parents, and ourselves.
These elders are not our children, and psychologically it is healthier for both the elder and the caregiver to refrain from ever crossing that line, and healthier to never confuse that fact (sadly I believe many on this site have confused that fact.)
Understand this; The care level and degree of all other care provided by those of us that refrain from those hygine acts can be the utmost highest level, and still refrain from those specific tasks.
... And those hired to clean adult strangers private areas, well, I cannot say as I commend you, but I can say, I will pay you. And I will stand here in front of anyone without guilt and be the first to say; that if my mother could not wipe herself nor wash her private areas herself, I would have ended being the sole care giver of her, long ago. ~
Not everyone can caregive. There are so many responsibilities that come along with it & not everyone is up to doing them. I commend you for admitting to your limitations & that it wouldn't be for you.
I, or we, on this site, may have gotten off topic regarding hired help. What I was trying to say, from my experience with help for my brother; age, gender, nationality, size (big or small) doesn't matter. Experience & knowledge count & caring with empathy & compassion. It's always been about the "right fit" for my brother. ALZ care is a challenge & he has had gals & guys assist him & one never knows what a day or moment will be like. It's called ALZ.
We all may say or think we can't or won't do any & all deeds, but, we do, instinct kicks in along with love & caring.
I don't think a SIL should be the first in line to discuss hygiene or to be the primary caregiver to his MIL. I do commend any SIL for their concerns & for reaching out for answers. There are many caregivers out there who have "been there, done that" & the intent is to help each other.
You have made some valid points & I thank you, great postings are good reads & make for better discussions. It's all about sharing & reaching out. I think this forum is excellent!
Blessings 🌸
You are blessed to have a partner, your husband, who is able & willing to assist you with your mom. It sounds like you have a loving & supportive family as well. What a nice feeling when we know we can count on each other if needed & it's a plus if they are family.
At a 5 star facility for ALZ & memory impairments, where everything, inclusive of staff, was top of the line, there were female & male assistants for a mixed clientele. These assistants were trained & capable of caregiving anyone who needed it. With male assistants I noticed smiles from the elderly women when they received compliments or shared a dance with an excellent partner. The fear would be absent from their face if they needed help, especially in an ambulating situation. I don't know how much hands on they did with female clients, but, it was evident they made a difference & a good one. Isn't that what it's about?
My point is, anyone, male or female can rise up to the challenges of caregiving if they have empathy & compassion.
Thank you for "getting me." Your support is appreciated. As a caregiver, we all need help, I'm all for anyone helping as long as they love what they do, care.
Blessings 🌸