My grandfather is dying from covid and could leave us anytime this week. I’m trying to stay strong, but it’s been hard because I have this huge regret for not seeing him enough when he was well. My family is planning on seeing him from his bedroom window and asked me if I wanted to join them. I used quarantine as an excuse because I couldn’t get myself to go. I feel like I’m unable to see him in this condition, he’s weak and is in so much pain. This virus took everything from him and he looks so different now and is unable to speak. I feel really guilty for not going to see him during his final days but I don’t want my last memory of him to be this. I can’t handle seeing him like this and I feel so terrible. I wish I had visited him more and I don’t want him to think I don’t love him because I do, he’s the best. Am I a bad person for not wanting to see my dying grandfather?
As to what kind of granddaughter you were BEFORE he fell ill? There is nothing you can do to change not being there in ways you felt you should be. There is no repair on something done or not done. All that can be expected from mistakes we feel we made in our lives is to learn lessons from it and live our lives differently going forward.
Of course you are not a "bad person". You are a human being, not a Saint. We all have limitations. We all have moments when, we think retrospectively on actions and judge ourselves wanting, lazy, whatever. We all have moments we wish we could relive and do better. That is called "Live and Learn". Your Granddad was young once, too. You can bet he would understand.
I was with my dad when he died and he looked so awful, I was sure I'd never forget that image. It had left my mind within a month.
We each have to do what is best for us individually when it comes to visiting dying relatives, with or without a pandemic going on.
Your grandfather will remember the good times you had with him as will you.
When my Granny was dying I took time off work and was with her all day, but not at night. My choice. Several of my cousins came for an afternoon. That was their choice.
When my step dad was dying I had no interest at all in visiting him in the hospital. His last day, Mum knew the end was near and asked me to come for her own comfort. I was there with Mum until he died. Again my choice.
Here in North America we are very distanced from death and dead bodies. We often fear it. I did not see a dead body until I was in my late 30's. In my part of Canada viewings are almost unheard of. But my ex's uncle had to be identified, so I volunteered to do it.