Am I being selfish?

How old is she? That would be quite a move and in my personal experience, moving an elderly person even to a different state doesn't work.

You are right. Do not let that happen.

She is 75 and her only physical issue is she gets urinary infections, other than that perfect help.

How is your relationship now? Who would you say he is the most emotionally connected with? You or your MIL?

Have you had a calm heart to heart talk about your concerns with your husband.

What are her health needs?

She's his mom, not yours and so he really should not be looking to you for free caregiving in my opinion.

Good luck in sorting all of this up.

If you are serious about moving her here, find a facility that isnfar enough away to make it difficult to visit her. I defintely would not allow her to come into my home. And make sure you have details worked out before she arrives. Why would she even think of leaving her home and friends. That will be what you will hear about constantly is how she misses her life there.

She's fine other than getting urinary infections. That plus her age tells me that she should not move to where you are.

75 isn't all that old. My mother will be 96, next month. Do you want to compete with her for 20 years? My grandma outlived her son (my dad.) If your husband dies prematurely, I see all kinds of problems developing for you. Good luck.

I think it is OK for your husband to move your MIL to your country. I admire your husband for being concerned about his mother, as I have known many adult children of aging parents that do not give a hoot about their elderly parents, and it is refreshing that your husband cares about his mother. Sorry to say, if your MIL moves to your country you will have to accept it, and also accept that he will be spending time with his mother (which is the way it should be), as he has the right to spend time with his mother. I have also known married couples where one spouse had to accept that their spouse spends a lot of time with children from a prior marriage, and it just has to be accepted. I think if your MIL moves to your country you and your husband could still have quality time together, as there are many hours in a day. If you do not want to be a caregiver for your MIL, hopefully you and your husband could hire someone to take care of her.

From Olivia's description, it sounds like her major concern is there will be no spare time for just them with him popping in everyday and spending every weekend visiting with his mother which is evidently how he lived when they lived near his mother before.

That sounds different than sharing one's spouse with the children from a previous marriage which in my case with my dad was a once a month event on the weekend with some extra time in the summer. Frankly, it sounds more like an issue of balance and wondering who is primary in the relationship. Is this the bottom line of this whole thing Olivia?

Something about this makes me wonder how much of this is his desire to have her there and how much is her desire to move there. Has she even expressed any desire to leave her home and friends and move there?

On the other hand, my other question is how much of this is her MIL once again playing the guilt card on her son because she is so desperate for his attention. Along with good health which she has, I hope she does have some friends of her own. To play the guilt card, she doesn't necessarily need to have said anything to him about moving there directly, but her emotional voice in his head might be leading him in this direction?

I don't know, but Olivia, as his wife, has raised a valid concern from her historical description that raises more questions for me than it does answers.

I maybe totally wrong and I hope that I am, but this sounds very much like other situations that I've read here and seen in my own life where the MIL plays with the son's or daughter's mind in ways that upsets the emotional balance and connectedness of the marriage which should be the primary emotional connected relationship.

You are right to be concerned and no there is nothing selfish about having a say in decisions that affect your life. Hopefully your marriage is a partnership where you and your husband have equal say in something so life changing. This is a huge decision that you need to discuss. Keep in mind, even the healthiest marriages can suffer under circumstances like yours, you might want to consider working together with a counselor.

Hi all and thank you for the words of wisdom. Just to answer some of the questions that have been asked. The idea of relocating was not hers but my husbands, as cmagnum mentioned its some times not the words used however actions to cause emotional blackmail, she calls him daily and cries that she is going to die at home alone and no one cares. Not so long ago she called when we were on vacation, about 9 hours flight away from her telling him she was sick and thought she was going to die and he needed to be with her, it was just a flu and she was fine that very afternoon. Mind you she has another adult child that lives 30minutes drive away however she says he doesn't care so she prefers my husband to be there. I believe the other brother does care, he just sees through the attention seeking and does not give it power. I have heard her say to me personally 5 times in bed in tears that she was dying so I find it a little boy who cries wolf, however my hubby understandably is terrified and feels he needs to do something.
He obviously loves us both yet he has been told constantly by her I raises you now you owe me, his father died 20years ago and since then he has done everything for her, even whilst abroad, he pays all her bills, organises anything that needs to be done, manages her investments, etc.
I have an OK relationship with her, civil however its helped being 7hours away. She resents me taking her favorite sons (she makes no secret of that) attention away from her. After 12 years she still doesn't write my name on Xmas cards, amongst many other things she does, she prefers I wasn't around however happy to take my help when needed.
Whitney I completely agree, he is a truly good man and wants desperately to do the right thing, I agree he should spend time with his mother however he works 14 hour days, and often weekends, it doesn't leave a lot of social family time. She extremely needy and I fear that she will get priority of time as she will insist.
The only other option is we move back to our home country however that would ruin my husbands career and I do not want to have that happen, he has worked extremely hard.
I have a great life and I just don't like the changes heading my way.
Thank you again for letting me vent, it really does help.

Hi Olivia! If I were you, I would talk to your husband and let him know how you feel about not wanting to become your MIL's primary caregiver. I don't think that's something that should be forced on a spouse regardless of whether you live in the same country or not! I certainly would not expect my two sister-in-laws to take care of my mom unless they wanted to even though they are both nurses. It does sound as if you do have a terrific husband that loves and cares deeply for his mom and wants to do the right thing. However, his deep love for you should take priority over his mom, which is why he should never move his mother in with you and expect you be her primary caretaker if it is against your wishes. Time to have a heart to heart, I'm afraid!

I don't know if you are talking about US immigration, but a family member would be eligible to immigrate, but the family sponsor must cover all the costs in the first 5 years of things like welfare and medicaid. In other words, you would be financially responsible for not only normal old age needs, but uninsured old age needs. With the cost of health care so high in cash prices, that would be astronomical if anything were to happen to her between the ages of 76-81. That itself would scare me off, even without the horrible idea of losing your husband to his mother.

Its not actually the US so finances shouldn't be an issue but thanks for the heads up

Wow, Olivia!

You do have your hands full with having married mom's favorite son! I know the feeling of not being liked because you took the parent's favorite child whom they had been grooming like my MIL had been doing with her daughter, my wife.

My wife thought that because she had gotten advanced education and a respectful profession as a college professor that she had gained her freedom. Nope, geographically, educationally, and socially in getting married outside of her mother's wishes and parental emotional enmeshment, but no deep down inside emotionally mom was very present and mad did things get bad with the birth of our first child. Mommy dearest ascended like a demon from the pits of hell to dominate everything and everyone because that was her child and she wanted to take and raise him, etc. This all sent my wife into a deep tailspin emotionally and drove her into therapy for years to get her freedom and that God she hung in there and got it. We were all very happy the day of the big change took place. I no longer felt like I was married to more than one person and the boys felt like they had their mother back. Well, enough about my story. I just said this to show that people can get their freedom but it takes a willingness to work and depending on how deep the emotional blackmail runs, it may even take individual counseling.

There are many good men just like your husband who love their wives and their moms, but they are emotionally enmeshed men who on some level with their moms are still emotionally a little boy because the emotional umbilical cord has not been cut.

Why does he pay her bills? Doesn't she get some retirement and social security. Sorry, but you two need some marriage therapy to deal with his mother enmeshment issues. Sorry, but he does not owe her paying her bills! Do you think she might emotionally depend upon him like he's an emotional substitute for her deceased husband? That does happen in some families and lays an aweful foundation for emotional blackmail,, etc.

MIL got him where she wants him with her emotional blackmail. Does he realized he is being blackmailed? If so, he might benefit from some things that are written here about emotional blackmail.

Not long ago there was a person who posted on this site who was dealing with a manipulative MIL who had a lot of control over her son, but they got their act together, got marriage counseling, set some boundaries and got their freedom!!!!

Now what I'm describing is not easy by any stretch of the imagination, because emotional blackmail is a dance between two people. However, the only person who can stop dancing is the one being blackmailed which is the scary part. Until something drastic happens that makes the painful fear of mom being angry at her little boys is less than the pain of needing to deal with it nothing will change because it is such a fearful thing to stop dancing with an emotionally blackmailing mom whose enmeshed emotionally with her son and over the years enmeshed him emotionally to her as his mom. The little boy inside does not want mommy to get angry. He needs an adult to adult relationship with his mom and not an adult to child relationship. There is a huge difference.

I've probably not told you anything that you did not know already or have not intuitively figured out, but I just wanted to validate your concerns and encourage ya'll to have a heart to heart talk about this "mom" issue and go get some marriage counseling.

He does not need to leave his career. That is a major part of his unique and separate identity from mom. Another major part of his unique and separate identity from his mother is that he is married and married to you, his wife whom should be his primary relationship until death do ya'll part. I see not need for them to have daily contact for that only enables continuing her dependency even more. She's is good health from your account, and creates all of this attention getting drama about being sick and going to die. She is one pro at emotional blackmail. The other son does probably see through all of this and choses not to dance mom's dance and thus she doesn't think he cares. Well no, not how she wants him to care.

I wish you the best in all of this emotional mess, but I will make this promise. If ya'll get some marriage therapy to help ya'll deal with his mom issues, because he is going to need a lot of support from you, then the intimacy and I'm speaking here of real intimacy, will increase. It's going to cause an emotional war, but the victory is worth the effort.

Good luck and keep in touch!

I really appreciate you sharing your personal experience, i am so glad it all worked out fir you. it does make me feel better. Sorry one correction on my behalf, hubby physically pays her bills with her money, financially there is no problem.
As much as we have our moments, like every other relationship, we really have a good relationshipb and this is our only issue. It was interesting what you mentioned about when your children were born, we have been trying for about 6 months however having her close by makes me want to reconsider and makes me nervous. Anyway hopefully we can get some counseling and start to see some light at the end of the tunnel. I am hoping I am over thinking and reality will not be as bad as the idea of. Thanks again!

Olivia, I'm glad you clarified about finances. I wish you well as you and your husband seek to build your own family. Oh my will that ever be extra tangible evidence that he continues to build his life separate from her! That will be a good thing. I'm glad to hear you will get some counseling before his mom issue becomes any bigger. Get some boundaries in place, enjoy being there with just each other and hope for the best!

Marriage counseling NOW. If he won't go, go by yourself. He will eventually join you. He needs to learn how to stop being emotionally blackmailed. You need help in validating your needs and feelings (which are not selfish by any means). You both need help in setting and keeping boundaries. Obviously his brother has the boundaries part figured out. Cmagnum has written some fabulous advice.

Good luck and wishing you strength.

I think it depends on how much of his time she will want. It sounds as if she would expect him to be at her beck and call. He needs to set boundaries and be firm about them. It may be nice to have her in the same county, but you & your family still needs to maintain a certain distance. Your husband should not do anything that would but his career in jeopardy, it's the normal progression of 'growing up' to separate ourselves from our parents and take on more responsibility. He needs to tell her the limitations: visiting once per week, calling only once per day or every other day...what ever works for your family. She will take the limitations better if it were coming from him. Maybe she's afraid of aging or that she'll be alone. Sent her cards or short notes each week to include her on any family news; this can make her feel like she's still involved in family affairs. Don't know if it'll help, but it's worth a shot.

The first question I have is why your husband hasn't dug his heels in & told his mother to cool it with her juvenile behavior towards you, i.e. not putting your name on the Xmas card. When he married you, he left his mother. However, it sounds like she still has a very strong hold & control over him. In my opinion, he should have told her that unless she stops behaving like a spoiled child, his contact with her will be extremely limited. She can't treat you like crap & expect you to do things for her. It sounds like she is a very selfish, narcissistic woman. If I were in your shoes, I would tell my husband this is a very straightforward manner. He is being emotionally manipulated by his mother, and she needs to "grow up" & stop this infantile behavior. Since her husband died, she has become completely dependent on your husband, which is a problem that probably won't change now. I have a feeling that she was one of the women whose husband did everything, & after her husband died, instead of teaching her how to write checks & pay bills and take care of herself, your husband took over because it was the easier thing to do. That was a bad decision, but you can't do anything about that now.

If she moves to a different country, she probably won't have any friends, won't see her other son or have any social contact with people. Therefore, her neediness & reliance on your husband will get even worse than it is now. She will want him to keep her company, entertain her, and do everything for her----probably more than what he does for her now. She will rob all the time she can away from you, & with your husband's work schedule, your time together will greatly diminish.

I would suggest if your husband is hell bent on moving her to your country that she be moved to an assisted living type of place, where there is help for her & she doesn't have to rely on your husband for everything. If she is moved into a place of her own, watch out: your husband will turn into her "beck & call" boy. And he won't put his foot down because he'll feel guilty if he does.

Youare right to be concerned. Is there a way to move her and find an assisted living situation where she is monitored-not by you- but by those at the assisted living place. although it is going to be hard, she needs to have some boundaries. E.G. when to visit and how often. Your husband probably needs to talk to his brother and maybe the two of them can set up a visitation schedule and let her know when they will be available to see her. Then stick to it. i know it seems harsh but it looks like your life will be very difficult if you don't take some proactive steps with her.

Ok--once you said YOUR relationship with her wasn't great--a big red flag came up. My MIL hates me, makes no bones about it and basically ignores me at any and all family functions. Hubby refuses to see this. He thinks we should bring her into our home when she gets "worse". I told him in no uncertain terms that if he wants to take care of his mother, I am supportive, but I would move out. HE wouldn't be caring for her, I would. The things that concern you (she'll be needy, use up all his time, etc are absolutely going to happen. (I am not pessimistic, just realistic!) Maybe she would be content at this point to have more phone calls (do you SKYPE or do video chats? Those are more fulfilling that a regular phone call)..have him send flowers for no reason (I do that in my hubby's name) and try to keep the relationship open while keeping the distance. My hubby visits his mother w/o me, as per her request. She hasn't remembered my b-day or Christmas for years. Its gotten worse over the years, not better. I tried and tried and about 10 years ago decided that I did not need nor want a relationship with this toxic person. I encourage my hubby to call her, take her out to eat, spend time with her, but I do not join in. She wants HIM and nothing would make her happier than if I died or we got divorced and she could have him all to herself. Sounds like you have one of these MILs. SO sorry. (It might be telling to say that the BIL doesn't spend time with her and he lives near her--My BIL will come to town to see his daughter and he NEVER even calls his mother.) You are NOT being selfish. Your marriage needs to come first!! Good luck!!

No you are not being selfish, you are being smart. The words "forsaking all others" and "let no man come between" are often used at the ceremony for good reason. You've both got every right to live your lives, as she has lived hers, without the 2 of you stressing her out with demands. It sounds like DH is already doing plenty for her. If she doesn't appreciate that he works that many hours, is married, and doing all he can for her then she doesn't care about him very much. No way she's going to care about you, when it starts to mess up your marriage. What if all 4 of your parents were clamoring for all your free time? What would happen then? Sometimes we have to accept we can't give things we don't have. Sounds like you guys are very busy. If you aren't in sync and doing it out of love and voluntarily it's probably not going to go well after a while, like anything extensive only one spouse wants. I'd have to tell him no for right now. Maybe in 10 years, (she'll probably live 20), you'll be more established time wise and in a better position to help if she actually needs it.

Best intentions can lead to disaster! When I was young I moved my Grandmother in with us out of concern for her welfare. I was warned by the entire family but was headstrong and determined to "save her". She would greet me every morning as I came down the stairs and told me how many people had died in whatever situation from what she had heard on the radio. She loved causing turmoil and having the entire family in an uproar over her. Long painful story short; she was a flaming narcissist and I was very foolish to have dreamed I could make her life better/safer. She almost destroyed my marriage before my Aunt took over and rescued her and I from each other.
I entered caregiving for my mother years later forewarned of the possibilities. My mother has never and will never live with us. She has exhibited much of the same behavior and has on numerous occasions caused difficulties between my husband and myself via demands on my time and stress related events.
Please make absolutely sure you're both entering into this with your eyes wide open. Idealism can kill.

I hope that you will be as selfish as you can in order to protect your husband, your marriage and yourself. So many red flags in this potential move. Please do not get dragged into a difficult situation that might not even be a good solution for her. She is 75, so young enough to enjoy her friends and the comforts of her home, yet old enough to make relocation a challenge for her.

I would put my foot down on this move thing unless you put her in her OWN senior apartment. I think it is grounds for divorce if he forces her to move in with you - because you will surely end up being her caregiver. Some boundaries are needed.

Part of life, part of the package. Express your concerns to hubs...but also think of this: since she's nearby WITH aid and attendance that are not YOU, he may be able to relax and spend quality time with you. Don't always go to the negative side of the option. I've always found that planning such a great change in your lives should have more than what just an event planner would do: charts, graphs, financial spreadsheets, with reality of the undertaking written all over them. In time, money and energy. This way you both can take a step back from the emotion of the issue. Negotiations are in order. Yes- your marriage comes first. With planning it can work. See, he wan't you along to deflect focus from him. Perhaps if he spends enough alone time with her, he'll finally GET IT : what unnerves you all along.

The health of the MIL needs to be considered and also whether there are additional family members. I agree that a healthy active person might not want to leave their existing familiar environment to move to a different country, where you would have to incorporate them into your family. To expect them to start over at this age would be very unfair. I applaud your husband for wanting to take care of his mother and believe that you should accept that as a condition of marrying a wonderful, responsible man who will probably be there as well for you. If she stays where she is, allow him to go and spend quality time with her a couple of times a year. And is she is healthy and mentally sharp, she should be a part of these discussions about her future with you and your husband.

No, you are not being selfish. You need to really sit and communicate with your husband. Does he really understand the nature of the commitment he's making (on your behalf, not his own)? Does he understand that this will change and affect every aspect of all of your lives? It is EXTREMELY hard work, you will have little or no time for yourself, all of your relationships will be affected, and yes, it often "ruins" marriages! And it can kill, you, too, since you're the one that will probably be doing ALL of the work. Don't take it on, until you've really thought it through. Read as many posts as you can on this site about caregiving and caregiver burnout. As you read those posts, imagine yourself in those predicaments and ask yourself -- could I effectively manage all this and stay whole? If you can answer this honestly in the affirmative, things may work out for you. If you have any doubts at all, make sure your husband knows that you are NOT willing to take this on and let those chips fall where they may. Your husband cannot hold in you as his mom's slave, and that's what this will probably end up being for you.

I don't have an answer .. but a lot of men dump their moms on the wives and do d*mn little to involve themselves. 'o, take mom out while you are going out on your own little personal off time. good to get maaw out of house.' but they don't do squat taking mom when they go out. but be assured, if hubby moves mom here, your life will go to hell in a hand basket most likely. one reason not to marry mamas boys.

Transplanting an old-country mama would not be doing her a favor. As much as she complains about having "nobody" in her home environment, at least she is familiar with the environment, culture, language, etc., and she's on her "own turf." If she were to move to your country, she would be very aware that she's on your turf, and if she does not have a warm relationship with you, she would not be happy even if your husband were to be there for her 24/7. I also married into an immigrant family, and had one brother-in-law who could not deal with what he could not control or understand (especially as his teenage son took advantage of it). My MIL did appreciate her DIL's, even more than her daughters, and it was only a year that she was in our care. I suspect that your husband has not thought it through! Point out to him that when she did resent not knowing anyone and not being able to communicate well (even if the language was similar) and not knowing her way around, anything that made her unhappy would be sonny-boy's fault.