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We now live in arizona my dad's wife has schizophrenia and dementia, she had a real bad episode today I was walking outside with her to walk to the car to take her to an appointment as she's a little bit out the door she starts freaking out all of a sudden she's starts shaking and starts screaming for someone to help her because she thinks shes going to fall so I tell her let's go back in the house and once she's in the house she starts walking and talking normal again and tells my dad se almost fell and she was having anxiety then my dad gets mad at me she's done this a few times before at her psychiatrist office and her pain management doctors she's always telling lies about me to other people and all I'm trying to do is help her. I've contacted all her children and none of them want to help with her. I did hae a calm conversation with her and aske her if she would be willing to be voluntarily evaluated for mental health she said yes but wants me to take her all the way to a california hospital near where one of her daughters lives but I know i have a job and take care of my dad I can't leave for that long. I won't be able to pick her up from the hospital I'm not her POA , Gaurdian or conservator I don't live with them either. What are my options because I don't want to take legal responsibility for her as my dad's health is deteriorating fast

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Tell her kids you are not able to care for THEIR mother and if they don’t, you will be calling APS .
I hope you don’t live with them . If you do , move out and call APS for both of them , since your Dad is being unreasonable .

Your father can not force you to take care of his wife .
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Reply to waytomisery
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In reality, your dad is not going to stand for you bringing her to CA and leaving her there, or finding another way to eliminate her from his life. They're a package deal, it sounds like. Therefore, I'd tell dad YOU'RE leaving because you refuse to take on BOTH of them to care for. Why did you move in to begin with? Ask dad how HE wants this situation to play out, because you are not being a careslave to both of them.

Good luck setting down some boundaries for yourself.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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First, I would call her children and tell them your Dad cannot care for her on his own and your not willing too because you have Dads care. If they won't do anything, call APS. Tell them u are willing to care of Dad but you can't his wife. Its getting too much with you needing to work. Hopefully they can get her kids to step up. Problem is, people with mental illness are considered competent.

If California is not the State u live in, I would not drive her there. Medicare goes over State lines but supplimental insurance and Medicaid don't.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Stop letting a demented woman with mental health issues call the shots. She should not be involved in making decisions. If you are giving her choices, stop that now.

Start telling her where and when things will happen. This isn’t a Burger King and she doesn’t get it her way.

If she doesn’t cooperate, call 911 the next time she has an episode.
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Reply to Southernwaver
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Whatdoidonow52 Oct 15, 2024
I am taking her in to see her psychiatrist on Friday, she said she's going to let him know she wants to have a 72 hr hold to see if they need to change her medications but I don't know she lies so much. Now she told my dad she's feeling dizzy when she walks around the house the thing is she claimed that before and I took her to numerous specialist got her blood work done numerous times in a short time span and nothing was wring with her so I'm pretty sure she's lie n about feeling dizzy cause she's says stuff like that when she doesn't get her way she's very manipulative I asked my dad if he'll admit her and tell the hospital he can no longer care for her but he refuses he says we have to take care of her because she's his wife.
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Does this gal have family?
Who is her POA?
Do you have a relationship with her family?

You are decidedly and CLEARLY not responsible for her.
Right now, as I see it, you are not so much caring for HER (though realistically you are) as you are caring for your FATHER who likely should no longer be caring for her as well.
So a real problem here.

I am not certain what future plans are for your Dad.
If he is going into care then plans must be made for HER if she cannot manage her own care. That is on him. Which means if she can go into care at the same time it's a boon. If not, you will need a social worker, perhaps Adult Protective to say she is Dad's wife, and dad was caregiving, but now dad is going into care and cannot do caregiving and she is in need. You would make it clear you do not get along with her and will not be particaping in her care once your father is placed (or has passed).

Sorry. This is exceptionally tough. You are sadly getting two-for-the-price-of-one.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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"No good deed goes unpunished."

File this phrase in your brain for safe keeping.

Remember it whenever you're asking yourself if you should get involved in a situation, like the one you described above.

It's wonderful you want to be helpful, but in this situation, there are way too many red flags indicating you would be blamed for anything and everything that doesn't go mentally unstable stepmom's way.

As an example, what if you agree to drive her to CA and then she claims to law enforcement you kidnapped her?
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Reply to Dogwood63
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Luckily, no you are NOT responsible for stepmom. She can want whatever she wants but I would not take her all the way to CA. If daughter in CA wants to take her, great. But you should step back. If anything, get her evaluated locally and your dad needs to tell the staff that he can not take her back. Maybe unless they find an issue that they can "fix" but even then who knows how stable she will be. Her kids can step up or that state will have to. Clearly tell her family your boundaries.
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Reply to againx100
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She is so not your problem.
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Reply to olddude
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lealonnie1 Oct 15, 2024
Except she IS the OPs problem, even though not legally! Ugh. What a freaking mess.
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As long as you are not someone's POA, or they don't live with you you are not responsible for anyone but you, even your relatives.

No one is forced into caregiver, some feel like they are forced through gaslighting, manipulation, in the eye of the law you are not responsible for step mom or Dad.

If something happens to Dad and he can not take care of her anymore, then call APS , tell them what's happening, they will asses her and the state will appoint a POA , and she will be there problem now.

You are in no way responsible for your step mom.
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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Can I get in trouble if I do take her to a hospital in California and don't go back for her after her 72 hr hold
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Reply to Whatdoidonow52
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97yroldmom Oct 15, 2024
Why would you get in trouble? She needs a ride to California. Giving someone a ride is not against the law.

But why does she want to go to California?

When you mentioned pain management I couldn’t help but think of pain medication and the possibility that she has taken all of the meds she got locally and wants to go to California for a fresh supply.

How long has your dad been married to your step mom?
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No

Do not involve yourself with this clearly unstable person.
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Reply to ZippyZee
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Sounds like you have plenty going on with your own life and helping with dad. Extreme mental illness such as schizophrenia is tough, add dementia, I cannot imagine. No, you shouldn’t be expected to take on her care. Contact her children, ask if any of them have POA, let them know her needs are increasing, your dad’s health is declining, and confirm what their plans are for her future. Make it clear you cannot be responsible for her and neither can dad. If they continue to choose not to be involved, you’ll have to focus on what you can do for dad, while guarding your own well being. Do not take on her care. She will likely end up with a state guardian if no one in her family steps up. It’s not uncommon and will be for the best
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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