My dad is dying from pancreatic cancer. He is at his home in North Carolina. I live in Los Angeles. His wife is caring for him. She is a nurse. My father is only 73 years old and was diagnosed in early February. He was totally active and was kicking age's butt until this monster robbed him. After surgery and chemo didn't work, the inevitable is happening. In March I flew with him to North Carolina to care for him. He and his wife were moving there from California for retirement. She stayed behind to get everything shipped, I went with him to care for him as he recovered from surgery and to take him to oncology appointments and such (he couldn't drive). Now, we count down the days or hours and I am torn on whether to go or not to see him in his final moments. I am not sure I want to remember him this way. But I also don't want to regret anything. I have told my stepmother this. My brother has decided to not see him this way. I understand that. I want to remember him the way I do now. I love him very much.
If they were loving towards you though it is one of the most loving things you can do. Take old photo's and reminisce with him.
The most pitiful experience is to die alone.
Then you will go home and cry your eyes out.
In the long run however you will be glad you did.
I still am after many decades.
On the opposite side of the coin there are those who just cannot do it. They cannot even visit someone when they are sick. It is too upsetting for them to experience.
I am praying for you to make the right choice. If you decide to visit him let me know and if you need a shoulder to cry on I am here for you.
Who better to sit and listen to you and offer advice then someone who has walked that trail many times before.
For me it was made even more difficult because when I turned a teenager someone close to me died each year until I was nineteen. So I had to go through puberty, go through watching my a different loved one die every year, move off of the farm to the city with no friends and my dad became a Jehovahs Witness so they were trying to brain wash me into joining their cult.
I am praying for you.
I may have a little regret for not going in person but then I realize he would have not known I was even there. I can live with my decision.
If you can gear up for a final visit, it will meaningful for your father and you will be glad you did it.
Unfortunately our society has done little to help us experience and understand end of life. It’s a precious time for the dying and the living.
I lost my mom in my early 20's and I didn't do a whole lot to help her or be there for her... Yes, I visited her in her last days at the hospital but I happened to be out of the room when she died. My sister has that memory of being with her but I do not. Somehow I think fate or God meant for me to not be in the room but I'm glad she wasn't alone... although she was in a coma so probably it didn't matter.
Whatever you decide, be sure you do enough so that you have no regrets. And remember this is about your whole family holding each other up through it... including your step mother. You don't get a "do over" for this, so do your best.
I helped my mother take care of my father the last year of his life. I was always a daddy’s girl and at first I stayed away. I was angry. Angry and afraid. Once gone I would have no family left ( my mother and I never got along. Out of my 56 years on earth my mother and I only spoke for maybe 20 of it). I selfishly knew he would not pass without me therefor I took myself out of the equation. After receiving a call that he was in his last days I went to be with him. I stayed by his side for the next 5 months. I won’t lie- it was very very hard to watch him fade in front of me and I was still angry but the moments we shared were the best. I was there when he took his last breath. Just as he was when I took my first. I didn’t think I would be able to honor his DNR but I did. I believe that the only thing that made his transition easier was that I was there with him and he knew I would take care of my mother like I promised.
For me it was a privilege to be by his side in his final moments.
if you do not find a way to make this process a good one for both you and your father you will not have good memories because you will feel guilty about not being there. I’m sure in your life your father has gone through a few uncomfortable things with you out of love.
I know some about the regret of not being there because I also lost my mother to Covid in January. Exactly 1 year after loosing my father. As usual my mother and I weren’t speaking and she was hospitalized. She would not let them call me. But when it was time to pull the plug they called me for permission. It was very traumatic for me to learn that my mother was not going to live and I was the one who had to do it. For 30 years we did not speak ( off and on) and I have had more panic attacks wanting to call her than I ever believed I would.
ultimately it is your decision. Just know you have to live with that regret that you will never have the chance to fix. You may hate seeing your father so sick but you won’t ever hate yourself for not seeing him. That’s just my opinion
You can do this. You can tell your father you love him and thank him for doing a good job of raising and protecting his family.
It would be nice for your father if your brother could also get over his fear, but you can only deal with your own actions. This is a sad and uncomfortable time, but it is part of growing up, no matter what our age.
Is dad "with it" - that he knows who is with him and who isn't?
If he is aware, then seeing him is to affirm the love and relationship you have now, not his inevitable death.
Can you afford to take the time off?
If your finances are tight or other obligations make it too difficult to go to him, consider other ways of "visiting": phone calls, video chats...
What is "helpful and/or kind" for dad and his wife?
Being "the better person" is always about meeting needs of others. What is most helpful for each of them? Sometimes, it is your presence and other times it might be more practical "gifts:" a delivered meal, cleaning the house, buying groceries...
Do not feel you let her down by not being there at the very moment she died. She was undoubtedly comforted by the time you spent with her during her leaving, and she chose to go between visits.
My youngest brother passed last July. It was the 2nd hardest thing I ever did - hold his hand as he slipped away from me. I remember that time with each detail, however I also remember how close we were. The first hardest, was telling my dad it was ok to let go well over 40 years ago. It was more important to me that both of them knew I was with them at the end.
When I worked as a CNA on an oncology unit I was around dying patients. I came to see death as a sacred moment, and I don’t want to miss this with my brother.
Some family members envision a sort of kumbaya experience where everyone in the family comes together when a LO dies, but it’s an expectation that needs to be released. Some people can’t bring themselves to be there. Ultimately it’s about the LO dying, not one’s personal fears. Not saying it’s easy …
My dad, who faced his death with great courage, did say to me one night, "What does it look like? What happens when someone dies?"
I realized at that moment that neither he nor my mother had ever been with anyone as they passed, but I had been with my grandfather and saw him die. I was able to tell my dad that he would go to sleep before he died, and he wouldn't know he was going. I also assured him I'd be with him. All that happened exactly as I'd said, and I like to hope it brought him some comfort. No matter how bravely he was facing death, it nonetheless had to be frightening to him.
Currently I still am on call more than half of each 24 hour day. I would feel very guilty if I did not give this constant help as it is something that I feel I must do for them by being there for them. Yes, they they look very different and not in a good way at all. This is freakin life, step up to the plate and start swinging. You cannot stick your head in the sand and pretend the situation doesn’t exist. Put yourself mentally in your fathers shoes for a moment ( there is a fair chance you may be in them someday yourself)-he is suffering, maybe scared, knows he will die…if you can be present at the end stages and through the end of life, it will help him so much to get through his final weeks and days. I’m not talking about a quick visit. Put your life on the back burner and donut for him and your mom. How terrible to be dying or diseased and your children avoid or abandon you. I realize it is extremely unpleasant for you but he really needs you now more than any other time of his life. It will help you as well in many ways you cannot envision right now. Take charge of this event and be there for him. In addition, You may have the opportunity to help him by being his advocate for additional pain relief meds if you see he goes through any horrendous pain when the professionals don’t realize it if it comes on fast. Please help him, his time of need is now.
I suspect that you fear dying as many of us do. But death is a part of life as much as being born. The comfort your presence gives him during his transition to whatever is next is like the comfort one gives a newborn transitioning into this physical life. Love him enough to not be afraid. His wife is a nurse so managing the physical aspects will be lovingly monitored.
I found being present for my father's death transformative. It actually made me less fearful.
Blessons. No matter what you choose, you have already done well for your father.