My dad is dying from pancreatic cancer. He is at his home in North Carolina. I live in Los Angeles. His wife is caring for him. She is a nurse. My father is only 73 years old and was diagnosed in early February. He was totally active and was kicking age's butt until this monster robbed him. After surgery and chemo didn't work, the inevitable is happening. In March I flew with him to North Carolina to care for him. He and his wife were moving there from California for retirement. She stayed behind to get everything shipped, I went with him to care for him as he recovered from surgery and to take him to oncology appointments and such (he couldn't drive). Now, we count down the days or hours and I am torn on whether to go or not to see him in his final moments. I am not sure I want to remember him this way. But I also don't want to regret anything. I have told my stepmother this. My brother has decided to not see him this way. I understand that. I want to remember him the way I do now. I love him very much.
Is dad "with it" - that he knows who is with him and who isn't?
If he is aware, then seeing him is to affirm the love and relationship you have now, not his inevitable death.
Can you afford to take the time off?
If your finances are tight or other obligations make it too difficult to go to him, consider other ways of "visiting": phone calls, video chats...
What is "helpful and/or kind" for dad and his wife?
Being "the better person" is always about meeting needs of others. What is most helpful for each of them? Sometimes, it is your presence and other times it might be more practical "gifts:" a delivered meal, cleaning the house, buying groceries...
You can do this. You can tell your father you love him and thank him for doing a good job of raising and protecting his family.
It would be nice for your father if your brother could also get over his fear, but you can only deal with your own actions. This is a sad and uncomfortable time, but it is part of growing up, no matter what our age.
I helped my mother take care of my father the last year of his life. I was always a daddy’s girl and at first I stayed away. I was angry. Angry and afraid. Once gone I would have no family left ( my mother and I never got along. Out of my 56 years on earth my mother and I only spoke for maybe 20 of it). I selfishly knew he would not pass without me therefor I took myself out of the equation. After receiving a call that he was in his last days I went to be with him. I stayed by his side for the next 5 months. I won’t lie- it was very very hard to watch him fade in front of me and I was still angry but the moments we shared were the best. I was there when he took his last breath. Just as he was when I took my first. I didn’t think I would be able to honor his DNR but I did. I believe that the only thing that made his transition easier was that I was there with him and he knew I would take care of my mother like I promised.
For me it was a privilege to be by his side in his final moments.
if you do not find a way to make this process a good one for both you and your father you will not have good memories because you will feel guilty about not being there. I’m sure in your life your father has gone through a few uncomfortable things with you out of love.
I know some about the regret of not being there because I also lost my mother to Covid in January. Exactly 1 year after loosing my father. As usual my mother and I weren’t speaking and she was hospitalized. She would not let them call me. But when it was time to pull the plug they called me for permission. It was very traumatic for me to learn that my mother was not going to live and I was the one who had to do it. For 30 years we did not speak ( off and on) and I have had more panic attacks wanting to call her than I ever believed I would.
ultimately it is your decision. Just know you have to live with that regret that you will never have the chance to fix. You may hate seeing your father so sick but you won’t ever hate yourself for not seeing him. That’s just my opinion
I lost my mom in my early 20's and I didn't do a whole lot to help her or be there for her... Yes, I visited her in her last days at the hospital but I happened to be out of the room when she died. My sister has that memory of being with her but I do not. Somehow I think fate or God meant for me to not be in the room but I'm glad she wasn't alone... although she was in a coma so probably it didn't matter.
Whatever you decide, be sure you do enough so that you have no regrets. And remember this is about your whole family holding each other up through it... including your step mother. You don't get a "do over" for this, so do your best.
Unfortunately our society has done little to help us experience and understand end of life. It’s a precious time for the dying and the living.
If you can gear up for a final visit, it will meaningful for your father and you will be glad you did it.
I may have a little regret for not going in person but then I realize he would have not known I was even there. I can live with my decision.
If they were loving towards you though it is one of the most loving things you can do. Take old photo's and reminisce with him.
The most pitiful experience is to die alone.
Then you will go home and cry your eyes out.
In the long run however you will be glad you did.
I still am after many decades.
On the opposite side of the coin there are those who just cannot do it. They cannot even visit someone when they are sick. It is too upsetting for them to experience.
I am praying for you to make the right choice. If you decide to visit him let me know and if you need a shoulder to cry on I am here for you.
Who better to sit and listen to you and offer advice then someone who has walked that trail many times before.
For me it was made even more difficult because when I turned a teenager someone close to me died each year until I was nineteen. So I had to go through puberty, go through watching my a different loved one die every year, move off of the farm to the city with no friends and my dad became a Jehovahs Witness so they were trying to brain wash me into joining their cult.
I am praying for you.
My sister lived further away, but had made plans to fly in. Unfortunately, she arrived about an hour after he died. She has regrets that she missed out sharing some final moments with him.
I remember Dad all the years before his illness. When I look at the old photos, I don’t think of him when he was dying but of when he was living. As a parent myself, I would be terribly hurt if my daughters refused to visit me in my last days because they didn’t want to remember me that way.
Everyone is different, and I suppose it would depend on how close you are with your Dad. If you don’t care about his feelings then stay away, but I think you will regret that. Wishing you and your family best wishes during this difficult time.
I think at this times, you should do whatever is best for your Dad, to make his passing as easy as possible.
I also think it's a selfish cop out fir your brother to not go and see his dad by saying I'd rather remember him the way he was.
How would either of ya'll like it if the situation wreversed and it was you dying and your Dad just blew you off saying oh, I'd rather just remember how they were.
You would feel Awful and Sad.
Of course, if asked, your Dad would probably say oh honey, I understand.
Understand this, if you love him like you say you do,, you'll forget about your own feelings and go see your dying father, he may look different on the outside,, but his feelings on the inside is the same..
You will regret it fir ever if you make that easy way out selfish decision to not go and say your last good bye.
You should tell your brother the same thing.
One last thing, if you and your brother don't go see your dying father, Don't Bother To Go To His Funeral!
Going to his funeral would just be for show tho ya'll will say out of Respect but it's more to make yourself feel better and for closure.
You didn't show either Respect or Closure to your Dad if all you did was stay away and not see him in the end of his life.
Praters you and your brother both make the right decision fir your Dad, Not for yourself.