My mother (84, obstinant, mulish, cog decline, vision loss) now has a horrifying mouse infestation. She says she didn't see the droppings that were everywhere (bathroom drawers, dishcloths, utensils drawer, pantry, etc.). After a huge cleaning, bleaching, airtight containers and a call to Terminix, we're doing the best we can. She lives next door with a nephew who lives with her every other month (but is not a caregiver, just has a room there).
She just lost her license after an Easter Seals assessment. She didn't pass any aspect of the test, thinks it was too fast for anyone, woman was unfair, she just needs new glasses (she just got new glasses). Vision is deteriorating because of macular degeneration, which she's had for 10 years. She is angry, embarrassed, vain and selfish. A MoCA test is coming at the end of the month that will confirm what we already know.
Honestly, I wish she would just die. She has always been a selfish, vain, narcissistic person. Now she's a huge burden, then says, "I don't want to be a burden." When I point out the endless hours I have to spend on her, she says, "I didn't ask you to do that."
The cognitive loss is speeding up. MAID is not an option in our state. She says, "Take me to Canada and have me put down" and "just smother me with a pillow." I have no love left for her…she burned through that years ago with her horrible behavior and selfishness. I am dutiful only and every single day hope a fire has taken her and her hideous home. I feel like a monster, and also like my feelings are 100% justified. I have a wonderful marriage, am very involved with my grandchildren, still work full time and have friends and hobbies and a great life. Except for her, the time/energy suck. Her anger and resentment is so draining.
Can anyone offer some words of encouragement? I'm just feeling so dark these days. Thanks.
Here hoping that completely mouse-free days (as well as a much more sustainable care situation for your very difficult parent) are in your future soon!
I share this because I felt the need to get what I was feeling out--to release what was inside me, instead of keeping it in. And the car wash seemed like the most reasonable place to do what most would consider unreasonable.
You don't necessarily need a car wash. An empty road, a pillow, yelling along to a favorite song, etc.
I wish I could wisk away your problems. If I could, I'd lend a hand to everyone on this forum and make their lives better.
Is MAID a possibility in a neighboring state? Since she has expressed a wish for that in the past, I'd be looking into it. We all should have that option, IMO after watching two parents die miserably after they begged for relief from living.
Your mom should really be living in a memory care facility now. If there's any way you can make that happen, please do it in order to save yourself.!
This may seem to be off-topic, but it is not.
It comes under the heading of self-care. (for you.)
Answer this to yourself:
"What 3 things are you grateful for?"
Spend 15 minutes a.s.a.p. walking outside. Is there snow, or sun?
OP is obviously grateful for their own life. Real issues need real solutions.
Mice are hard to deal with, even for the able-minded and -bodied. From your description, it seems that your mom's home might have been at or close to the stage of the mice being a health risk. It's good that the problem is under control, but if it recurs, be very careful.
Just an aside about the "smother me with a pillow" comments: When my mom was in her 80s (she's now 97), she once asked me and two of my three siblings whether we would "help" her kill herself if she decided on this course of action because of great pain. (I said no; the two siblings said yes.) I've noticed that my mom's interest in dying has disappeared now that death is no longer a hypothetical. She has lots of ailments, she received palliative care for several months, now she receives hospice care.
However, I would like to encourage you to transfer the care of your Mother
immediately.
1) For your benefit.
2) For her benefit.
You are no longer qualified to be her caregiver, and need help yourself.
You both are feeling very dark, and the temptation to act on those feelings
is too great for anyone in your position.
Call APS.
Do not entertain guilt, it happens to the best of caregivers.
It is called quitting while at the same time stepping up for the welfare of another individual, on their behalf.
You can do this. Quit now.
Once you are out of the daily responsibility of care, you can heal, things can get better.
As for not seeing the rodent droppings, I believe that. Your mother is losing her eyesight and really 84 year olds don't really do all that much deep cleaning do they? I remember an old apartment building I lived in many years ago. It was nice, but we had mice. I cleaned constantly. Behind the stove and fridge once a week, draws, cabinets, all the time. My landlord at the time used foam sealer and steel wool to block up the holes in the walls under the baseboard heat then went to a hardware store and bought fogger cannisters for rodents and other pests. It worked.
It's time for your mom to go into assisted living. Or for a live-in caregiver to move into her house and deal with her. You don't have to blow up your life over common elderly minusha and nonsense. She needs some homecare and some kind of life. Like going to the senior center. Or adult daycare. Both of these places send transportation. If she gets a bit of a social life, she will improve.
When she says she doesn't want to be a burden tell her not to be one then. That helping her with things she can't do anymore is not what makes her a burden. The constant complaining, gaslighting, and stubbornness is.
I hope you aren't paying for the exterminator (or any of her other needs) with your own money.
See if she can get assessed for LTC and if she qualifies, then transition her into a facility (that accepts Medicaid) on private pay and then apply on her behalf when she is about 4 months from running out of all assets (except 1 house and 1 car). She won't have to leave the facility once she qualifies for Medicaid.
I hope you are currently her PoA. If not, you should have her assign you BEFORE her MoCA results come out. If you are not her PoA and she resists going into a facility, then you will need to step completely away (including the nephew) and report her to APS and allow the county to deal with her and her care needs. This won't happen unless family steps completely away.
You do sound burned out. Please make self-care a priority. There is a solution other than you, but YOU must accept it as a solution and not get in your own way. May you receive peace in your heart as a more permanent care solution takes shape.