I (61M) have been a caregiver for my wife (60) with Multiple Sclerosis for over 25 years, we have been married for over 33 years and I have been retired for the last 9 of those years. She's been a quadriplegic for about the last 7 years. I recently had to put her into a long term care facility due to my health issues, I have 2 hernias and also need major abdominal surgery for a colon issue. The thing that bothers me most about placing her in LTC is that she is all there mentally. We both know we've hit the end of the road as far as me being able to care for her anymore and it hurts tremendously. It's only been 2 months and the pain of the whole situation is unbearable. How do you cope with the loneliness of being separated from your spouse especially when I won't be able to visit her for months while I recover from surgery. My son still lives with me but he works and goes out, we both told him he needs to live his life. He has done so much for his mom over the last 20 years, more than any child should ever have to deal with. Anyway the loneliness of being forced to be separated is tearing me up and I'm having a hard time coping, I do see a therapist but it only helps so much. My wife has already told me a couple times that she want me to eventually try and find myself a companion, I don't know how I feel about that. She hates seeing me so lonely especially because of how much I've done for her all these years, I would do it all over again for her if I had to, there was never any thought of walking away from the situation, how could I she has always been such a sweetheart. I really don't know how I am going to get used to this whole miserable situation. I don't miss the caregiving, I just miss my wife so much.
My heart goes out to you. Your story made me cry, literally. I am facing a similar situation, at 64, taking care of my 64 yr old husband for the last 10 years has caused physical breakdown for me. I am barely able to do the bare minimum for him at present, but I continue trying because I don't want to face living without him.
I have an idea for you, though. Could you sell your house and find a care community which could accommodate both you and your wife? You could live together in and Assisted Living apartment, if they could meet your wife's needs. If she requires more care than can be provided by assisted living, there are some care communities with different levels of care. Your wife could be in a skilled nursing unit, and you could have an independent apartment in another wing, so at least you could simply walk over to spend time with her or bring her to your room.
I honestly don't have any tips for coping with the sadness of missing your beloved spouse. I dread the day I have to place my husband because I can no longer do this. Perhaps try and keep yourself busy with close friends, and volunteer opportunities. I wish you peace.
I'm not saying to find a companion there, but you would meet many men and women who are lonely and looking for people who are in the same situation. Even going out to lunch or coffee with three or four others would alleviate your loneliness and perhaps lead to something deeper later on when you're both ready. Give it some thought.
There are many shades of Alone. Find the one that offers comfort for you, and it doesn't have to be intimacy. Friendship works too.
Of course once she's dead then by all means do what you feel you need to do.
If you're so lonely and missing her so much why aren't you spending as much time as possible with her at the facility?
When I volunteered for hospice years ago, one of the ladies that I visited had a roommate whose husband came daily early in the morning and didn't leave until late in the afternoon around supper time so he could spend as much time as possible with her.
And why is it going to take you "months" before you can see her again after your surgery? You can have friends/neighbors/your son drive you to see her if you're not able to drive for a while.
10 days after I had a total hip replacement( the posterior one) my husband ended up in the hospital for a week, and because he couldn't speak much because of a stroke he'd had years previous, I had to make sure that I was there as much as possible to make sure that he was being taken care of properly. And because I couldn't drive for a while yet, I had to have my friends and neighbors bring me to the hospital and pick me back up when my visit was finished. I was walking very slowly like a turtle with my walker, but I had no choice but to be there to make sure my husband was receiving the care he needed. So moral of the story is that it can be done, and where there is a will there is a way.
And you can always facetime with your wife too when you get to missing her bad and you can't be there. If she's not able to manage that a nurse or CNA can help her with that.
We don't ever get used to the sometimes "miserable" situations we end up in, but hopefully the majority of us make the very best out of them, and continue to move forward.
That is my prayer for you.
On a side note...after my husband died 5 1/2 years ago now, the best thing I did for myself to help with the loneliness was to start volunteering at the different charities that mean a lot to me. So other than visiting your wife a lot, I highly recommend doing some volunteer work as this life is not about us but is about others and what we can do for them.
But what I really want to say is -- thank you for being one of the "goodies", the men who stay with their wives through chronic illness. I know you can't be with her physically every minute now, but I mean emotionally, primarily. Statistically, it is far more likely a man will leave than a woman in the same situation. I have multiple chronic illnesses (though nothing as severe as your wife's) and my husband has chosen to stay, but it's never an easy road. Thank you on your wife's behalf for staying.
Also, I don't know whether your upcoming colon surgery is anything like what I had (a partial colectomy, mine was just a small piece removed), but I was only in the recovery phase for about 6 weeks, and at 4 weeks post-surgery hubby and I went on a trip that had to be done at that time because it involved an event we wanted to go to. It was really hard, but I did it. So I'm hoping that means that maybe your recovery won't be as long as you're worried about, and that you'll be able to go see your wife much sooner than you think.
Best wishes to you on your surgery, and prayers that you will get this worked out. I hear how much you love her, and that is such a treasure -- as well as a grief. ("Grief is the price we pay for love.") God bless you, and I mean that.
His feelings are so deeply rooted in love over decades.
It is both heart breaking and heart-warming to read.
My recommendation would be for him to take a moment and then a day-at-a-time, being as present as he can be (as) pushing feelings away or down only makes them more intense and stay 'stuck.'
Re-adjusting to a new reality will mean doing things that are not comfortable (new activities, new friends, new daily routine) and while feeling lonely. It definitely is a process.
Guilt is a difficult feeling to process.
He might benefit greatly from joining a group for spouses to gain support and an avenue to get his feelings out, while adjusting to a new reality.\
Gena / Touch Matters