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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Ten years ago one of my sister's children died after a long illness. When me and my mother attended the funeral my sister basically treated us both very rudely and curt. My sister knew enough to not start something with me cause I would have shut that down ASAP. But she said several very hurtful things to my mother about my brother that died several years ago. It caused my mother significant distress and their relationship has suffered since.
I agree that you might want to go get some suggestions from a counselor about how to deal with this. You might also develop some statements to your sister if she tries to engage you again.
"I'm here to help my mother pass, not to bring up hurtful memories or accusations" "If you want to have a discussion, we can do it later"
Thank you. I'm not going to discuss my thoughts and feelings about my sibling with her or anyone else, at least until after mom dies. It also seems unsafe to talk about any of my feelings about anything with anyone. Because I was not as close to mom as my siblings were and are, I feel as though any feelings I have are suspect.
Your mother’s imminent death is front and center. Not anyone’s feelings. Even my twin sisters who hate each other and haven’t spoken in nearly ten years sat with our father together in his room as he lay dying without manufacturing any drama.
Your siblings need to grow up and realize not everything is about them.
This time now should strictly be about your mom and no one or anything else. Period, end of sentence. So keep your conversations to how mom's doing and mom only. There will be time after your mom dies to figure out the rest with your siblings. So go enjoy whatever time you may have left with your mom and leave nothing left unsaid with her.
If it will help you to talk you need to find a Therapist or counselor that is a NEUTRAL third party to talk to.
I think that when emotions are high, frayed, scared, and any other emotion you want to add filters may be dropped and things are said in a way that they normally would not say. (does that make sense?)
Is your mom on Hospice? If so you can talk to the Social Worker and or the Chaplain. they may have insight as they have gone through all this many times.
This is a difficult time for everyone and if your sister is a primary caregiver for your mom she has a whole lot of emotions going on. Her world is about to change. (yours is as well) Her "identity" now is Caregiver and that is going to abruptly change. (And if she is executor of mom's Will/Estate she will have more challenges ahead. This is a lot of stress and time consuming so she will probably put her grief and processing on hold)
I guess what I am saying is while what she said hurt I would cut her a bit of slack and forgive her. I know easier said than done. That is why maybe talking to someone is important, so you can safely vent and express your hurt. ((hugs))
We don't get to choose our family members but we do get to choose how much or little we interact with them. You need to know your boundaries, and practice not reacting to insensitive/inappropriate things they say or do to you.
You can practice "extinguishing" undesireable words or behaviors by completely ignoring it. You either change the topic to something benign or you put on headphones or walk out of the room. If they chase you down and ask, "Didn't you hear what I just said??" You continue to ignore it as though they said nothing and again do not ever acknowledge that you heard it but continue to control the conversation by changing the topic again and again or walking away. They WILL get the message that it is unproductive to say those things to you. You demonstrate that you cannot be provoked into reacting at their whim, and you also "keep the peace" by not being the one to blow up. You are acting out your boundary. I promise it works if you do it consistently. It worked like a charm with my MIL.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I agree that you might want to go get some suggestions from a counselor about how to deal with this. You might also develop some statements to your sister if she tries to engage you again.
"I'm here to help my mother pass, not to bring up hurtful memories or accusations"
"If you want to have a discussion, we can do it later"
Your siblings need to grow up and realize not everything is about them.
If they persist, tell them exactly this.
So keep your conversations to how mom's doing and mom only.
There will be time after your mom dies to figure out the rest with your siblings.
So go enjoy whatever time you may have left with your mom and leave nothing left unsaid with her.
I think that when emotions are high, frayed, scared, and any other emotion you want to add filters may be dropped and things are said in a way that they normally would not say. (does that make sense?)
Is your mom on Hospice? If so you can talk to the Social Worker and or the Chaplain. they may have insight as they have gone through all this many times.
This is a difficult time for everyone and if your sister is a primary caregiver for your mom she has a whole lot of emotions going on. Her world is about to change. (yours is as well) Her "identity" now is Caregiver and that is going to abruptly change. (And if she is executor of mom's Will/Estate she will have more challenges ahead. This is a lot of stress and time consuming so she will probably put her grief and processing on hold)
I guess what I am saying is while what she said hurt I would cut her a bit of slack and forgive her. I know easier said than done. That is why maybe talking to someone is important, so you can safely vent and express your hurt.
((hugs))
You can practice "extinguishing" undesireable words or behaviors by completely ignoring it. You either change the topic to something benign or you put on headphones or walk out of the room. If they chase you down and ask, "Didn't you hear what I just said??" You continue to ignore it as though they said nothing and again do not ever acknowledge that you heard it but continue to control the conversation by changing the topic again and again or walking away. They WILL get the message that it is unproductive to say those things to you. You demonstrate that you cannot be provoked into reacting at their whim, and you also "keep the peace" by not being the one to blow up. You are acting out your boundary. I promise it works if you do it consistently. It worked like a charm with my MIL.