Well, I am. Since Mom’s decline, she can’t be left Mom alone in her home. She’s an extreme fall risk and with her deep dementia she’s not capable of acting properly, and she has a host of other issues. I used to go to the store about twice weekly, now I have to wait until a sibling or niece shows up, which is unreliable.
My relationship with my sisters has deteriorated, though Sister 2 has lately started to be considerate. They act like I’m not in the room and that I’m an indentured servant. (When I asked Niece, who’s here once a week and gets paid to sit with Mom—though she sleeps through the majority of her time—I asked Niece is she’d vacuum and dust to help me out. When Sisters found out they blew a gasket. “She’s not here for you,” Sister 1 stated.)
Very long story short: both sisters are those “ready, fire, aim” people. They look for things to be outraged over. Sister 1 yammers onandonandonandonandon while spinning things to her perspective. She constantly hounds me nothing is more important than Mom, yet last week she came to spend the day/night with Mom and I looked forward to some time off. She acted like I wasn’t in the room and, after showing our diabetic mother two packages of sugar cookies she bought, sat with her back to me.
Yesterday I grabbed an opportunity to schedule Mom for a steroid shot in the neck for her really bad neck and back arthritis. I texted Sister 1 about it. A bit ago, she called upset that this was a bad idea, that Mom can’t handle the trip. Uh, it's five minutes away, and I'll be exhausted before Mom will. Then she raved about a reaction from the steroid with new medicine that she started a couple weeks ago (something to help her sleep but it’s not necessarily working). Fine. I said I’d call the doctor’s office and the pharmacy to find out. If there’s a reaction I’ll cancel the appointment. That sent her raving further and repeating everything she’d said.
She is to come this Saturday to take Mom till Monday so I could have a break. She said if I take Mom to the doc’s tomorrow she was not coming to take Mom to her home this weekend. “I’m not going to put up with her in case there’s a reaction.” (The doc’s office and the pharmacist said there was no reaction between the shot and any of Mom’s meds.)
I’m sick of this. I arrived here 11 months ago already burned out when I left my closed business and home in another state that the bulk of my pension pays for with almost enough for my expenses, and got my divorce papers after 20 years the first week I got here. I have no one to talk to. I take no money from Mom and I am POA for everything. Sister 1 is Mom’s executor but she said she can’t handle it, so I’ll be that too. I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in a very long time. When is being treated like this enough?
Thanks to this site, I’ve learned it’s common for non-caregivers to turn on the caregivers. When my siblings and I had a massive blowup a few months ago, they said they had a plan to care for Mom and I could just go home. Frankly, I see no plan working as Sister 1 lives 30 minutes away in the country and farms and ranches; Sister 2 has an extremely time-consuming job and is on call and gets called out often and is always exhausted; Niece has extreme issues of her own and cannot be counted on to properly care for Mom.
I don’t know how much longer Mom’ll last with her host of issues. Her doc didn't think she would "be with us" in six months. She could go next week or years from now. I'd feel terribly guilty if I left and she passes in a few months. If I had a crystal ball...
Thanks for letting me vent. Everyone here has helped me get this far. Has anyone else got this point of seriously considering leaving? Did you leave or did you find a way to keep going?
Maybe it's time for another meltdown. I usually feel better afterwards.
dementia-by-day.com/post/170533306210/sole-caregiver
It doesn't sound like you'd consider moving your mom into another home situation where she could be cared for...but perhaps down the road you might want to think about it. I was told the same thing when she was hospitalized 7 years ago - 'she may not live long'...well so much for that scenario. She may outlive me ... no one ever knows for sure. Do you you think is best - but you've been given some excellent advice here by other group members.
jeannegibbs: Succinctly, thanks for your kick in the rear! ;-) Oh, yes, I'm female. (Hmm, I have a cow moose photo I should swap out!) I'll mull your suggestions. Paying for help is tough as Mom's finances are okay, but a touch snug. But I'll see about where I can squeeze some money. I refuse to pay for Mom's care, food, or house maintenance--I can just afford my expenses and I'm here at extreme sacrifice. Plus, I will, no matter what flack I get from Sisters, take good care of Mom and her finances and her house. They reamed me (after they had wholeheartedly agreed about fencing in Mom's yard and replacing a hazardous back deck and its cost) when I told them the final cost. They blew off the fact that I dipped into my savings to pay for half of the fence because of my two dogs. And you're right that they are not dependable. (Sister 2 tries to help even though she's often horribly exhausted.)
talkey: Thank you!
97yroldmom: Yeah, I'm the POA for finances (and health). I've taken care of Mom's finances for about five years. I developed a monthly "statement" of everything about Mom's finances (including property taxes and insurance) and mailed it to them so they could see every penny. Since I've been here I still complete a monthly statement though no one sees it. I've told them any time they want to see it, I'll open it up.
I pay Niece from Mom's money. Niece has physical and mental issues. I've repeated things she needs to know and do. She's on so many medications she often sleeps through half of her time. When she's here, I'm watchful and reminding her of things to do (yeah, like reminding her she hasn't given Mom fluids to drink). I get what I need done around the house but watch. Only when I'm satisfied that everything is "set" for the day, then I go out. This is one of those situations where by all rights she ought to be fired (if she weren't my niece), but I'd end up on the receiving end of a rabid, snarling, fur-flying dog fight from Sisters. Frankly, I'm protecting myself by choosing to accept this. At least I can get SOME time to myself and I'll take it.
If she works for you then maybe you need to revisit the terms of her employment.
Tell us more about how things are set up.
Taking care of a person with dementia and other impairments is an extremely difficult and stressful job. Caring for someone who is likely to die soon is rewarding but very sad. But it seems that is not what might give you a meltdown. It is your sisters that are causing undue stress. So, if you really want to be with Mom for the rest of her journey, try solving the sister problem. (Easy for me to say. My sisters and I were a cooperative team!)
You have POA. Use your authority on your mother's behalf, starting this afernoon. You do not need your sisters' permission to make a medical appointment for your mother. That is your responsibility. And since you are the one with Mother most of the time, you not only have the authority you have observations and knowledge to make good decisions. Mother appointed you POA. She trusts you. Do what's right for her.
Being a live-in 24/7 caregiver is extremely difficult. In fact, I'd say it cannot be done successfully without adequate help and breaks. (Employment laws require this for paid live-in carers.) My advice is to hire help, with your mother's funds. I mean this sincerely. It can save your sanity. Don't rely on niece to vacuum. Hire a cleaning person. Do it! Hire in-home care for weekends. Hire someone to come in twice a week for 4 hours, so you can do errands and maybe even meet a friend for coffee. Or hire someone for 5 days a week! Reduce your workload, and get some breaks. Everyone told me that and I wish I'd acted on it sooner than I did.
Don't let sisters emotionally blackmail you. "If you don't do what I say, I'm not keeping my commitment to care for Mother this weekend." Don't depend on them, as they simply are not reliable. This is part of your duty to act in Mother's best interest.
My husband with dementia lived with me at home for 10 years, right through hospice care at the end. I managed to retain my sanity and disposition by having this kind of help:
1) weekly cleaning service, including laundering bed linens
2) person to distribute meds into daily/weekly pill boxes (hubby took MANY -- this was a great help to me)
3) bringing in restaurant or deli food often (not as expensive as hiring a cook!)
4) hiring someone for home maintenance tasks like shoveling, raking, cleaning gutters, etc.
5) using a volunteer service for someone to sit with my husband a few hours a week.
6) using an Adult Health Day Program two or three days a week
7) when hubby needed too much one-on-one for the day program, brought in a personal care attendant for 30 hours a week
8) when the time came, used hospice services
Other caregivers order groceries online and have them delivered.
In the ten years I only took one weekend off. If I had it to do over I'd try hard to do a few more of these.
If Mom's funds will not support this kind of paid help, post again about that, and people with experience will give you advice on that.