I don't know how to put it, but honest to God, there is a tone of voice my father uses when he "asks" (aka "tells") me to do something that is like nails on a chalkboard.
I think it's partly because when he worked he was a manager of a large department in a big company and he was used to "asking" people to do things in a way that made it clear it was an order, and now he's treating me like an employee. But ugh!
For example, we bought him a nice one cup coffee maker for his assisted living room and he broke it. (He breaks a lot of stuff). The way he told me: "That coffee maker your husband got me? It crapped out after like ten cups of coffee! I need a new one."
Or, even before he says hello! "I need you to go to Target and get me some things."
I really feel like I would be less frustrated if he asked more nicely. I mean, I have a teenager at home and she asks for things more politely! It seems petty, but it's very draining to be spoken to like this. But when I tell him how frustrating it is, he gets mad and says "fine, I won't ask you for anything ever again." (I wish!)
I would tell him to knock it off and grow up when he said that to me. Be mad all you want daddiO but, you will treat me with courtesy at a minimum or you can figure out some other way.
People treat us how we allow them to treat us. Teach him that asking nicely will get far better results than ordering you around.
My dad was very similar and it made him mad to have to ask civilly. Oh well, play nice or I don't play, I am an adult and I am no longer subject to my dads rule. It took him having to take a taxi to finally get the point but, he did get it.
I used to tell him, "You have been with soldiers all day for this deployment and are used to 'ordering' for everything. I have been at home handling everything and I am not used to 'discussing' family decisions with you. You need to remember we are not your soldiers. I need to remember that we share decision-making. Let's try this conversation again."
It usually took a couple of weeks for us to get back into our usual "family mode."
In your case, your dad is probably anxious about "the issue" and he goes into authority mode trying to control the situation. He might respond to trying to alter the conversation to diffuse his anxiety. You might want to soften the start of the visit with one of these:
"Hello to you too Dad. Let me tell you about the latest ______."
"It's so good to see you. The family and I are doing well. I really like ________ (anything pleasant about him). "
"Share something good that happened since I saw you last. Then, we'll talk about solving problems."
If diversion doesn't work, you might suggest that he keep a list of things he "needs done" to give you at the end of each visit. He might also need a mild anti-anxiety medication if this is becoming his usual way of interacting with everybody.
2. I am a pretty firm believer that someone with dementia should be in Memory Care not AL. With the dementia you can explain to him that his requests feel more like demands and he will revert back to the way he has always been.
YOU are going to have to be the one that is going to have to accept that this is the way your dad is and you let it go.
Don't replace items he breaks. You know he will break things. Is mind can not remember how to make things work or to be gentle with things.
If he can make a list of things he needs/wants do shopping for him when you can not when he wants. Take the list with you and pick up items when YOU get a chance.
I cooked dinner at least 5 nights a week. Each night he would insist on saying Grace before the meal. Now we are a family who does not say Grace, but are always willing to accommodate those who do at our table. But each night during his Grace, he never thanked the cook. Not once.
I had had enough. I was placing the plates on the table and he was getting ready to say Grace. I told him in no uncertain terms that unless he thanked the cook, he was not welcome to say Grace at the table. And if he did not thank the cook, he was not welcome to eat the food I had prepared. He knew I meant it.
You do not know if your Dad has dementia, but you suspect it. It is Ok for you to set a boundary in place. Boundaries are for you to hold firm.
"Dad if you do not say hello and ask how I am, I will leave." Then leave.
If he has a hissy fit ""fine, I won't ask you for anything ever again."" just walk away.
I am ridiculously sensitive to any perceived sharp or critical tone, and it has caused me lots of unnecessary stress. I hope you cope better!
How to correct this? I should start by treating yourself as you would like your father to treat you. Literally. When he says "I need you to ..." - reeling off orders, like you're taking dictation for heaven's sake - look him in the eye and rephrase what he has just said as you would prefer to hear it. E.g. "Dear daughter, I find I have run short of [aftershave, socks, whatever]. Would you have time to get some for me, please? I usually buy X brand from Target."
Rather than take offence, which tends to raise the temperature of any exchange, treat it with (very) gentle mockery. Even if he doesn't get the message at least you'll have acknowledged to yourself that you have a right to be spoken to with courtesy.
PS How on earth did he manage to break a one-cup? Has he seated the reservoir properly back on its base?
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