Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
I tried getting help for my mother's hoarding/messy apartment. She'd get mad at them when they threw something away - or tried to. The last one sat with her to clean out the fridge - it was a total disaster! Mom doesn't ever want to throw anything away - and all of her surroundings reflect that. I went thru 5 different caregivers/helpers, etc. Now she lives in an Adult Foster Care home and her room is a mess.

She tries to 'sort' and organize and usually gets too tired and is unable to accomplish the task. It's always as if an explosion just occurred and she says 'I'm working with that stuff'...

Of course the answer is to downsize - I liked the list above about which things to remove - that don't fit, etc. But mom always has an excuse about why she should keep clothing - even if it doesn't fit 'now' - it might someday. 'sigh'
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
no2daughter Oct 2018
I'm sorry you've had such a difficult time, SueGeo. It's not easy, I know. My mom has become less wedded to her stuff so that's a good thing, but not the main thing. I was wondering if a caregiver would consider taking on a position if the environment was less than optimal. Your experience with multiple caregivers is disheartening, but she needs more help so we're going to move forward with doing what we can to support her, clear the clutter, and get extra help.

Good luck with everything, SueGeo.
(1)
Report
My sister in law went through this to find aides for her aunt who suffered with hoarding and the answer is yes, you can find someone but it might be harder to do.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
no2daughter Sep 2018
Hopefully, it won't be too arduous a task for us. It's heartening to hear that help can be found, though.
Thank you, Marcia7321.
(2)
Report
To k12144
re: your response starting 'Yes, that's precisely it. . .'

Yep. Small steps, so as not to overwhelm my mom (or us). We'd had that plan in place to get a company in to do a fast 'clean up' but that didn't pan out logistically. So we girls will be plodding along with that, involving our mom in choices relative to what to keep, donate, pitch, sell.

With caveats, of course. Those bottles of vitamins from 1976 have got to go...

Thanks again, k12144.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I would set up three bins.

#1 for obvious trash, ie old mail with no significant information.

#2 for old magazines to be donated to a NH or senior center

#3 for everything that doesn't meet the top 2 criteria.

This will make your job easier, 1 bin to decide what needs to be done with items in it.

Then the same with clothes.

#1 bin for rags, clothes that have no more wear in them. (Donate these as rags, charities sell them to companies that need disposable cloth rags)

#2 for wrong sizes, doesn't like etc. To be donated.

#3 unsure, for you to determine.

You are not hiring a housekeeper, you are hiring an aid for mom, so the no go rules will be different.

This can be done one small area at a time, with you or sister only disposing of garbage and taking donations box, that would give all peace of mind that it is being handled appropriately.

Just my 2 cents from people I know in the field and what they are willing to do.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
no2daughter Sep 2018
Your 2 cents are invaluable, Isthisrealyreal, esp. as this is uncharted territory for my mom and for us, her daughters. The issue of her home compounds the more pressing issue of her cognitive decline and everything that goes along with that.

Thank you again, Isthisrealyreal.
(3)
Report
See 1 more reply
cwillie, re: I used to clean houses and my line in the sand was I wouldn't do clutter, I'd pick it up to clean under it and tidy the piles but IMO it's just too difficult for an outsider to separate the trash from the treasure.

That's one of our concerns, for sure. And for my sisters and me, our priority is our mom and not her 'stuff.' although its that 'stuff' that has compounded the difficulty of this entire process. Her house is like a dang albatross; like the elephant in the room. Problem is, at this stage of the game, it's up to my sisters and me to try to move that damn thing, get it out of there and meanwhile, we're also tasked with supporting our mom, keeping her safe and attending to her needs while trying to balance our own lives. . .

I know, I know--join the club, right?

Thanks again, cwillie.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
k12144 Sep 2018
I wouldn't want to do clutter as a stranger, either. At best, I wouldn't know where to put it; at worst, I'd be afraid to get rid of stuff. Even with my mom, I wouldn't start the cleaning before she died because even though she wouldn't even ever know, doing it behind her back without her input seemed wrong, even though I knew starting early would make the job easier.

Yes, I know precisely how you feel. Worrying about healthcare workers and such coming in, worry (for me, at least) that they would look around and think I was not doing a good job caring for her by letting her live like that and call in the state, etc. You have my sympathy because, OMG do I understand.
(6)
Report
k12144, thank you for your thoughtful response. Sounds like your situation is similar to my mom's in that you lack the space to support your 'stuff.' My mom's home is kind of small and there's no garage, so everything she has is either in the basement (which is beast we're not even going to attempt to tackle now) or the upstairs. Three bedroom home, two of which are packed with 'stuff'.

We've been tackling that 'stuff' for a year now. Sometimes my mom wants to be involved in that, and sometimes she doesn't. Like a lot of things, we generally play it by ear. Perhaps a caregiver could clear out obvious stuff like old magazines and junk mail, things like that.

Lots to think about. Again, thanks for weighing in, k12144.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
k12144 Sep 2018
Yes, that's precisely it. Cleaning out my mom's place sucks... she knew it would suck... why she didn't have the energy to do it herself over the years! (And I didn't push it, because I'm overwhelmed by clutter, too. And because I hate when people tell me I need to get rid of things, so I wasn't about to do it to someone else.)

Small steps, if you can (I don't have a lot of time, so I don't have that luxury). You/she might feel better if she can choose who some things go to or where they might be donated/sold to (there's some stuff of my mom's that will make me feel better if it doesn't just go to an anonymous thrift-store shelf, for example).
(3)
Report
I would consider having the caregiver declutter. Most caregivers are expected to do cleaning and stay busy while on the job.

If they balk at helping get things in order, they are probably not team players and you will be dealing with a bunch of "that's not my job!" Crappy attitude.

I think that a caring person understands that things get old and/or neglected, not the end of the world, just some time and effort to get it back on track.

Remember that you are trusting this/these individuals with your moms very life, if they can't be trusted with stuff, they surely cannot be trusted, period.

I hope you find the solution you are looking for.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
cwillie Sep 2018
I used to clean houses and my line in the sand was I wouldn't do clutter, I'd pick it up to clean under it and tidy the piles but IMO it's just too difficult for an outsider to separate the trash from the treasure.
(8)
Report
See 1 more reply
I know it's difficult and the situation is not optimal. We girls have researched cleaning services thoroughly, and we have costs and all that. We need to get in there first and continue to go through her personal stuff, that's first. We're donating a lot and selling some stuff on my mom's behalf, she gets the money of course. There's a lot--decades worth. We know we have a long road ahead of us, one way or another. More than a day, unfortunately.

Thanks you for your input, UsedupDIL. Much appreciated.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I would pursue a caregiver that would be willing to help mom declutter.

It may cost a bit more but it would be well worth the money to have someone that would listen to the stories and give mom some mental activity in getting her home to a less cluttered space.

The only situation that I am sure caregivers would not want is a filthy cockroach infested place.

Life is messy, clean it up! Living life tends to make a mess. This is absolutely okay. Once it is decluttered it will be easier to maintain on a daily basis, make that part of the job description.

When you interview potential candidates you will know if they are willing to work for their paycheck by clarifying that this is going to be an ongoing part of the job. Depending on the state of things it could take some time to get it all together, so be reasonable and realistic about progress. Mostly keep an eye on how well mom is doing, this is the best gauge you have.

I hope you find a good fit and it helps mom feel useful and needed.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
no2daughter Sep 2018
Thanks for your quick and thoughtful response.

A kind and caring person who is trustworthy is our goal for our mom. We love her so much. She's tended to buy in bulk over the years and the house isn't big. There's 'stuff,' some personal, some not. Papers. LOADS of paperwork, old mags, cards, stuff like that. Old vitamins she bought, stuff she forgot she bought. The bathroom is cluttered but clean. The kitchen counters are relatively clear of clutter. Her bedding is clean, you can walk through the house from liv to bedroom to bathroom to kitchen. Kitchen table is loaded with stuff. Problem with all that stuff is that it precludes cleaning surfaces. The carpet is threadbare, kitchen tile is older than the hills and worn down...you get the idea. Not a hell-hole but not optimal for our mom. We have cleaned in the past and she messed it up again. . .

So this has been an ongoing thing for many years and we are not willing to let it continue. Clearing clutter wouldn't necessarily be part of a caregiver's job although that could change. I was wondering if the state of her home would be a deal-breaker, and from the sounds of your response, the answer seems to be maybe not.

Thank you again for your response, Isthisrealyreal.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
Define messy, that could mean anything from needs a really good cleaning to something from an episode of Hoarders😕
An agency is more likely to have minimum standards of health and safety in order to protect their workers, but if you hire privately you'd be surprised at what some people will tolerate in order to earn their living.
(the acid test is - would you send your daughter to work there?)
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
no2daughter Sep 2018
I would say her house is in the not too bad of a hoarder range. Not disgusting or anything but stuff is falling apart and there is an accumulation, surfaces are stacked with stuff, dust under there and stuff like that.

Your question was a good one. I appreciate your thoughts, thank you so much, cwillie.
(2)
Report
It’s difficult enough to work with the elderly without it being a messy, cluttered environment. Perhaps have a cleaning service do a thorough cleaning and you and your sisters take a full day to declutter.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter