We placed my MIL into a very nice facility yesterday. We had been discussing this with her for some time now. Different reactions on different days, from being a little sad, to knowing it was needed, but never angry. When she got up, we told her that today was the day. Immediately she got furious. " We weren't taking her anywhere, I'd rather die first, You both are DEAD to me, never come see me again, "I'll find a way to just die". She ate, went back to lay down still claiming she wasn't going. When she gets back up, she starts screaming again over and over. She looks at us with hatred, spitting on the floors, tried to spit on me, but wasn't standing close enough to get me. After several attempts to get her dressed as she said "Where I'm going it won't matter if I'm naked" and started taking off all her clothes in front of her son, my husband which I know she would be ashamed of if she were within her right mind. We finally get her dressed, in the car, she is still cussing, spitting in disgust at us. We go down the driveway, she looks back at our home and says "Bye house. I hope someone comes and breaks every window in your house". Just crazy talking. After arriving at the facility which is extremely nice, and small, only 20 patients, she jumps out of the car because she's home and for us to "leave and never come back," to "I can't believe my own family is throwing
me away", to "I hope you have 200 children and NONE of them want you". So while I didn't expect it to go easy today, my questions are first, is this type of behavior in dementia/alzheimers normal or typical? Why yesterday did she remember the sequence of events happening ALL day long when normally she can't even remember where she is from minute to minute or sometimes thinks she's in a home already because our house is large and always wants to know where the other residents are. She came to us from a facility she shared with my FIL after he passed away. And to be honest, in driving away to come back home after dropping her off, I felt a huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders. I am relieved and I am quite ashamed to say that for the first time in an extremely long 6 months, (only 6 months!!!) that I am happy. And I feel ashamed admitting that. I certainly don't want my husband to know this. I had the honor and privilege of taking care of my mother when she was diagnosed with a brain tumor at only 60 years old. She was diagnosed, treated with radiation and passed away within the space of 3 months. From the minute she found out, she was always caring, appreciative of the things my sister and I did for her, always thanking us, telling us how she loved us and never complained. While she didn't have dementia, the tumor did sometimes make her not realize some things and get confused about who someone was, or where she was at times. I am not romanticizing that as I know people can sometimes think their passed loved one were perfect. She wasn't perfect, but she also never complained or whined about her situation, the complete opposite of my MIL since she has come to live with us. So last question, is this, are my feelings about my MIL and being happy now that she's not in our home normal and typical or am I comparing the two experiences and find that I would never have been able to care for her or have as much compassion as I should have because of my experience caring for my own mom. While I do feel guilty about it, its not enough to make me unhappy. Am I just a horrible person? I'm sorry this is so long....
I don’t know if the guilt ever fully dissipates but in my case when I feel guilty again ( more than I care to admit ) I try to remember how many people it takes to help my mom, and that makes me realize that they are doing a much better job than I could, no matter what mom says.
I hope you find more peace, and many blessings
Depending on the nature of their impairment,condition,or disease the road could take many sharp turns.
There is nothing wrong in rejoicing in normalcy.I am a caregiver twice over and look forward to the day I too can rejoice.Enjoy getting your life back.
Who wouldn't feel relieved if not at peace and intensely grateful for the quiet?
I wonder why you feel or believe how you feel is wrong/not okay in some ways? Do you allow yourself to feel without judgment? Where does this come from?
Do you know that 'all' feelings are okay because you feel them: Feelings / emotions change based on situation, hormones, self-care, reframing - and how a person learns to process through them.
There are 'no shoulds.' A good place to start thinking about in relation to how you feel about yourself.
I would recommend you see a therapist to get the tender loving support that will benefit you, and a safe place to sort out your feelings and self-expectations.
You said it in the third sentence.
I would not want my children to care for me .
Why would anyone want that. Of course if they have dementia they are not thinking clearly
For this reason a living will is important and discussing your wants and desires ahead of time.
Best
So you did the right thing to help your MIL get the help she needs in a smaller residential facility. Her first week(s) may be a little difficult as she adjusts to their routine. In the long run, she will do fine and get the attentive help she needs - 24/7.
Feeling "happy" about moving her is not selfish or "wrong". You have been under a lot of stress caring for a person that needed more supervision and care than you could reasonably provide. Knowing that she is getting the care she needs and you no longer need to worry round the clock - is relief from stress. That is why you feel happy. A horrible person would not care and you do. Be OK with your new current circumstances.
Here's something people don't think of, but it happened with my mother. She is in a very nice, very expensive memory care residence. It was a good decision at the time, over a year ago, but now, since the pandemic, things have changed and I would prefer to move her to my city, 3,000 miles away from her area. But she fell in love with another resident about 10 months ago and they are together 24 hours per day. She doesn't want to leave! He is worse off than she is. He gets very agitated if she doesn't stay in the same room with him, 24 hours per day. So not only is she trapped in the building due to pandemic, she is trapped in a room with an agitated man who yells at staff on a daily basis. I'm paying $9,000 per month (of her money) so she can live with daily yelling matches in her room, and of course the dip in quality of care she's getting due to pandemic, with staff shortages and substitute staff who have less training. I'd like to save the money and take her out--at least she would be able to go outdoors every day if she lived with me--but she doesn't want to leave her boyfriend, so I would be the bad guy, big time, if I took her out.
Sounds like your MIL is pretty crabby, but she could fall in love with a resident too. That would throw a monkey wrench into the plan if you needed to move her for some reason.
Main idea--things you never thought of and never even heard of are going to come up. Every week. So enjoy this taste of freedom while you can.
That said, the amount and quality of care is extremely difficult for family to do- and it gets more difficult as time goes by. Your MIL is much more typical than your mother, for many reasons.
My mother, who is now 103, vehemently lashed out with, “Don’t you put me in a nursing home!!”
It took about five to six family members to take care of all her needs plus her house. It was daunting.
One night she fell on the way to the bathroom and broke her femur (of course, she was alone).
Fortunately, she got to a hospital for the broken bone and when she was well enough, they sent her to a skilled nursing facility- which transitioned into an Assisted Living.
She is there now, safe and quite content. Yes, she wants to “go home”, but deep down she knows she is much better off where she is.
Her family and friends visit often and she has a new social life.
A lousy way to make the move, but she is so much better cared for at a place that is equipped to do the job.
You did the right thing! Visit her. Bring her stuff. It was the wisest option.
Best wishes
There is no way to fix everything. There is only doing the very best you can.
Those of us who are good and decent people (translate MOST of us) have uncomfortable feelings around having to do things this painful. When my brother died last May there were days I longed to have his suffering over. And at the end, along with knowing that the man who has been here for me every single day of my 78 years was gone, I knew such relief. He had been diagnosed with probably early Lewy's. As we talked about everything all our lives we talked about this, where it would eventually take him, what he would lose, and how we, Hansel and Gretel in the Woods all our lives, would negotiate this scary forest together. Now he was gone. And my strongest feeling was relief. That he didn't have to go there anymore, with all the losses.
How do you say to someone that you felt RELIEF at the loss. You just DID. I just DID. And it is so important to tell the truth of these things. I don't believe for a second that your heart doesn't BREAK for her. I KNOW it does. But I also see you are strong enough to defend your one and only life the best you can and STILL take care of this poor woman. My heart breaks for her. There isn't a one of us who doesn't recognize that this, if we live long enough, is where we are going. And the awful truth is that we WILL, for the most part, be helpless and unwanted.
As much as I loved my bro we never for a moment thought about living together; I know my limitations. He knew his control issues.
We do the best we can. There is no way to avoid pain. Not for your MIL, not for you, not for my bro, not for me. But while life goes on we must live it for ourselves, and help others to the extent we are able.
My heart goes out to you. You did the right thing. You did it in the right way. It is just that there is no "fix" for any of this. We come face to face with out limitations, our inadequacies, and broken hearts all around.
Your MIL has a brain disease that alters her thinking, rational side and behavior. It is very difficult to be around that behavior because it is often causes them to say cruel, crazy and hateful things. My dad too at times was verbally abusive. He also said we threw him away (a common thing they like to say). Please please please know that what you feel is so normal that it's likely that we all feel or felt it. I know you wish your MIL was like your mom just as I wished my dad could have been sweet like my mom but dear, this is dementia. Why wouldn’t you feel relief not to have to be under constant verbal abuse? Why wouldn’t you feel relief not to be under stress? Why wouldn’t you want a more normal life? I would also bet your husband is relieved too. You have done nothing wrong. You are feeling simply normal emotions so lose the stupid guilt. You are normal!
Dementia is terrible thing, it steals our loved ones and places the caregivers in an impossible situation. Your relief is justified. We caregivers are not equipped or trained to deal with dementia. And even if we were, it’s such A terrible thing to deal with the abuse that comes with the disease.
I, too, was relieved when we moved my MIL to a locked facility. When she was living with us, I had to basically hide from her 24/7 in my own house. For 2 years I was a ghost, cooking dinner for her and my husband then making a plate to eat in our family room alone. If I sat at the table with my husband and MIL she would scream horrible things at me even when I was completely silent and attack me for no reason at all. Family functions were no better. Her family didn’t understand the disease or the person she had become. They couldn’t understand her hatred of me or why I would sit somewhere out of her sight, or leave a room when she walked in.
It broke our hearts to put her in a facility, but it gave me a small sense of peace to be able to live in my home without hiding from her. I could occasionally visit her and she would act like I wasn’t even there, but didn’t scream at and attack me.
You deserve your peace of mind in your own home. There is no reason to feel guilty or that you’ve done something wrong by her. We are not equipped to detach ourselves emotionally from those that we love while caregiving. I hope that everyone’s comments help you to feel better about the situation. You deserve to feel at peace.
“Dementia” MEANS that she can no longer use reason, facts, and personal observations to manage her reactions to the events in which she is involved.
Comparisons to your own thinking and behavior, or to your mother’s thinking and behavior, cannot result in valid interpretations of your MIL’s behavior. That includes what she is saying, or screaming, or yelling.
There are times and circumstances in the behavior of people with dementia, especially early on, when they may be able to function on a level that appears to be relatively reasonably. Two images helped me understand this.
The mind of a person with dementia may seem to “short circuit”, like an electrical appliance that isn’t firmly plugged into a socket. The electricity may light a light fixture, but the light may blink, or dim, or go out altogether. I have observed this in several relatives who had dementia.
Another example was given to me by a wonderful therapist who worked with my LO when she entered Memory Care. She described LO’s thinking like a donut of reason, which surrounded a mass of confusion, memory failure, anger, inability to recall and process what she was hearing......and said that LO was becoming more and more anxious because she was trying harder and harder maintain the donut of normalcy, but the mass of disrupted thinking increases and increases, making preserving the donut harder and harder.
No one is to blame, and ABSOLUTELY NO ONE should feel guilty. Your MIL has been placed, with love and consideration for her safety, in the best setting you could arrange for her. EVERYONE would have preferred that she and her loved ones be spared this vicious disease, but tragically she wasn’t.
Nearly ALL of us would have wanted to make other decisions on behalf of our LOs, BUT THERE WERE NO HAPPY, PERFECT DECISIONS AMONG THE CHOICES THAT WE HAD. So we made less than perfect choices and did the very best we could.
And so did you. Be at peace, and be grateful for the happiness you’ve earned.