We placed my MIL into a very nice facility yesterday. We had been discussing this with her for some time now. Different reactions on different days, from being a little sad, to knowing it was needed, but never angry. When she got up, we told her that today was the day. Immediately she got furious. " We weren't taking her anywhere, I'd rather die first, You both are DEAD to me, never come see me again, "I'll find a way to just die". She ate, went back to lay down still claiming she wasn't going. When she gets back up, she starts screaming again over and over. She looks at us with hatred, spitting on the floors, tried to spit on me, but wasn't standing close enough to get me. After several attempts to get her dressed as she said "Where I'm going it won't matter if I'm naked" and started taking off all her clothes in front of her son, my husband which I know she would be ashamed of if she were within her right mind. We finally get her dressed, in the car, she is still cussing, spitting in disgust at us. We go down the driveway, she looks back at our home and says "Bye house. I hope someone comes and breaks every window in your house". Just crazy talking. After arriving at the facility which is extremely nice, and small, only 20 patients, she jumps out of the car because she's home and for us to "leave and never come back," to "I can't believe my own family is throwing
me away", to "I hope you have 200 children and NONE of them want you". So while I didn't expect it to go easy today, my questions are first, is this type of behavior in dementia/alzheimers normal or typical? Why yesterday did she remember the sequence of events happening ALL day long when normally she can't even remember where she is from minute to minute or sometimes thinks she's in a home already because our house is large and always wants to know where the other residents are. She came to us from a facility she shared with my FIL after he passed away. And to be honest, in driving away to come back home after dropping her off, I felt a huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders. I am relieved and I am quite ashamed to say that for the first time in an extremely long 6 months, (only 6 months!!!) that I am happy. And I feel ashamed admitting that. I certainly don't want my husband to know this. I had the honor and privilege of taking care of my mother when she was diagnosed with a brain tumor at only 60 years old. She was diagnosed, treated with radiation and passed away within the space of 3 months. From the minute she found out, she was always caring, appreciative of the things my sister and I did for her, always thanking us, telling us how she loved us and never complained. While she didn't have dementia, the tumor did sometimes make her not realize some things and get confused about who someone was, or where she was at times. I am not romanticizing that as I know people can sometimes think their passed loved one were perfect. She wasn't perfect, but she also never complained or whined about her situation, the complete opposite of my MIL since she has come to live with us. So last question, is this, are my feelings about my MIL and being happy now that she's not in our home normal and typical or am I comparing the two experiences and find that I would never have been able to care for her or have as much compassion as I should have because of my experience caring for my own mom. While I do feel guilty about it, its not enough to make me unhappy. Am I just a horrible person? I'm sorry this is so long....
My friend had to place her husband in a home just before the virus lock down so was not able to visit him. He too was close to unmanageable but did settle down and about a week later when they talked via zoom, he said he couldn’t talk they were looking at buying furniture and he had to go.??? Guess he was settling in.
Your MIL will go through many different things. Don’t be surprised at anything and don’t expect. Dementia is quite a trip as I now 13 years after Mom passed, am caregiver for my husband with Alzheimers. Know you did the best for her.
I remember a woman who was brought to live at my mom's memory care facility. She had been a nurse so she was pretty sharp on some things, and she knew full well she'd been moved to a locked facility. She cried all day, every day for a week, and every time I visited my mother she was out in the courtyard pacing around weeping. Within a week, you'd think she'd moved to a resort. She was loving life and had made friends, and everything was fine. She's been happy as a clam every since.
The only "good" thing about dementia is that a new place becomes home to them very quickly. Your accompanying relief is also totally normal, because you know she's safe and cared for now. Don't beat yourself up.
It's normal for your MIL to be acting unhinged on her way to the new care home. There is no rhyme or reason to dementia, nor is there any day-to-day sameness involved. One day she can be lucid and you think, hey, maybe she's not that bad after all!!! Then the next day, she's spitting and cussing and you think, hey, she's unhinged and has to get out of here before I lose my mind!! That's the nature of dementia: up and down and you never know what the heck to expect!! And that, in and of itself, makes the condition even WORSE to deal with. The 'not knowing' is worse than anything.
In a care home environment, your MIL will adjust eventually. She'll make friends, get hot meals, entertainment, activities, and everything else she needs in the way of help with daily activities. You can go back to being the daughter in law and your husband can go back to being her son instead of her care givers. It puts the relationships back in their proper places and you can all breathe a bit easier.
Last but not least, it was easier for you to take care of your own mother because she didn't have dementia; an affliction which turned her into a child throwing tantrums and spitting, or playing with feces and peeing on the floor. You are comparing apples to oranges and expecting yourself to have the same 'compassion' for your MIL that you had for your mother in spite of the fact that the two women presented 100% different issues for you to deal with. Right? Most people are unable to deal with dementia sufferers at home, after it progresses to a certain point. Memory Care homes are the very, very best and safest option, as most of us eventually realize.
Don't feel guilty; guilt means you've done something wrong or bad
Don't feel shame; shame means you ARE something wrong or bad
You are neither. You are just one human being trying to be all things to all people at all times, which is quite impossible. Allow yourself to BE human, to admit you can't do it all, and then let go and let God handle what you cannot.
Good luck!
I would have to say that your mother knew that she needed more help that wanted to live at home and not in a care facility. And I don't blame her have you ever checked them out really the food the lunch the treatment?
Her acting in such ways was her way of saying I am not going! Even though she knew there needed to be extra help and a little lifted off of you.
Most people I know do not want to die in a care facility let alone die alone what's the new covid-19 outbreak.
You may be comparing apples to oranges. On how someone handles different situations.
I just recently had a fall an injured both my legs called my son from the emergency room and he told me he did not have time for this right now.
I felt just the same as her, the doctor is the ER said he could put me in a home. At this point in time my son chooses not to speak to me and I really don't care. Never once did I tell him I didn't have time for him. I am now living alone have multiple handy devices and I can live in my own home and be safe. I have nursing coming to my house three days a week and I'm fine with that.
And I also told him basically the same thing one day his daughter will not be there for him and his wife what goes around comes around. But maybe it's how I was raised we took care of family and a home was not an option!!!
If you're feeling some type of guilt then your heart is speaking to you.
Good luck in your older age!
Placing an elder in a place where they can get 24/7 care— or care that their families just can’t physically give— is not throwing them away. Plus this is the Mother in Law, not the mother. OP should not had been the caregiver in the first place.
You’re able to live at home with some help, and that’s great. With dementia and emotional issues, this isn’t possible for a lot of people. If their families didn’t care, they’d just let their elder suffer.
Caring for your mom and caring for your MIL are two entirely different situations. Not only are they completely different people, their health issues were also extraordinarily different. First, I gather you were quite a bit younger when you cared for mom. I also gather that your mom's diagnosis was much different in terms of "time left" so to speak. I think a lot of your guilt is coming from "I was ok taking care of my mom, but I don't want to take care of my MIL, who is my husband's mom".
Just because you were willing to be one person's caregiver doesn't mean that you should automatically be willing to take on the caregiving responsibilities of everyone you know, because then where does it stop? If you follow that logic, then if you raised your kids, you should be willing to raise all the other kids that anyone in your family might have. You have the right to choose to whom you give care - if anyone. And, as many others here who have put their loved ones into facilities, MIL's caregiving will need to continue - just not under your roof with your responsibilities being 24/7. She will still need things done for her that will fall onto your and your husband's shoulders. You've done a wonderful job taking care of her in your home, and you will continue to take care of her, just in a different setting and capacity. And that's ok!
You say you don't want your husband to know how relieved you are that his mom has been placed into a care facility...but I would bet he's just as relieved as you are. Maybe for different reasons, but I'll bet it's a load off his shoulders as well. And that's ok, too!
Forgive yourself for any negative feelings you may have/had towards MIL and give yourself permission to enjoy your life. It's really, really ok. You made arrangements for MIL to be safe and cared for, and by doing so have fulfilled your responsibilities to her.
(((Hugs)))
And behavior normal? With dementia nothing is normal and they are bound to say and do anything. What you experienced yesterday is normal for mom and her dementia.
It sounds like you found a nice place for her. Know that it will be very difficult for all of you for awhile. Many say two weeks, but with my mom it never ended and she was in memory care facilities for two years before she finally passed.
Mom was admitted to the hospital 3 or 4 times for geriatric psychic assessments. The first was the first week of facility living. Nothing is unexpected and nothing unusual with some.
Two facilities? Yup, mom was kicked out of the first one because of her behaviors. This happens. It would be a great idea to have a back up plan.
Good luck and i hope all remains quiet.
your reply cleared up a lot of questions as my LO’s behavior mirrors that which you describe. My LO was in geriatric psyc hospital twice. The second time was more effective and each day I hope the meds continue working. He nearly got kicked out of an exclusive facility and many don’t want problem clients.