My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over two years now. He recently turned 63 in May. However, since December of 2023, I have begun to notice a gradual decline in his mental state/mood/personality that is inexplicable. I'll explain: When I first met him, he was an even-keeled, calm, introverted, shy kind of guy. He never raised his voice, never got his feathers ruffled by either petty or big annoyances - I loved that about him - and, while not being the most emotionally expressive man in the world, was considerate and a "gentleman".
Fast forward to the last 8 months or so and gradually, things have changed. His mood seems to go up and down from day to day, sometimes from hour to hour (joyful, energetic one morning/flat, caustic attitude the next - and then changes later that day to being peppy and/or down again); he gets agitated while driving, swearing up a storm and flipping off anyone he thinks is driving badly. He will start pointless, odd arguments with me about ridiculous "point-of-view" issues that I try not to engage in, and when I don't, it only makes him more irritated. To make matters worse, if I tell him that something he is doing or saying is upsetting me, his response will be "no, it isn't" (!) or he will simply flat out deny that he even said it at all (!?), despite saying it only a few moments before, almost as if he can't remember or is not even "present" in his own conversation to recall anything he says. If, for instance, he may accidentally bump into me or startle me and I react, he no longer says the obligatory/casual "oh sorry, you ok?" but just doesn't even notice it. If I happen to mention it, he tells me it’s my fault.
He also seems to having a difficult time hearing, has lost a lot of the emotionality he used to have, and just seems...off.
I do know he has trouble with sleeping and aside from being a computer animator, is also a professional craftsman/artist and so uses a lot of chemicals/paints in his work, sometimes in a not-so-ventilated area.
The reason I am posting here is because I have considered every other potential "issue" that might be causing this sudden mood/personality shift (no drugs, no drinking, etc.) and have come up empty every time. I can certainly give more detail if need be, but I wanted to lay out the basics. At present, our relationship is steady and he makes no indication that he wants to end things (i.e. he never complains about me in the big picture), but I'm enduring a lot and I'm not so certain how much more I can take.
Otherwise he sounds like his "dating behavior" has faded into who he really is.
I would get out now, before you invest more valuable time in a relationship you don't seem happy with.
You are speaking of someone with mental illness, depression, unhappiness, and etc. And you certainly are speaking of someone I would not care to live with. This isn't a husband. This isn't a partner. You call him a "boyfriend" and the whole purpose of boyfriend and girlfriend is to learn if this is someone you want to live with lifelong?
So is he? Someone you wish to live with? For me, he would not be. I think you cannot change people. You aren't responsible for their happiness. But you are responsible for your own and your own choices. You say he makes no indication he wants to end things. No, why would he? He gets to be as grumpy and abusive as he wants to be and you dance around trying to make it OK.
I would seek counseling with him. If he doesn't care to go that would be the line of crossing. I would be out of there.
In order to get an accurate diagnosis he needs to accept that he's having a problem. If he's in denial, there's literally nothing you can do. Even if it's dementia... there's nothing you can do -- except notify his next of kin, if he is close to any other family.
He may have anosognosia, which is a lack of ability to perceive the realities of one’s own condition. It’s a person’s inability to accept that they have a condition that matches up with their symptoms or a formal diagnosis.
If it were me I would opt out of this relationship right now unless you want to get sucked into being a verbally abused, exhausted caregiver by an ungrateful person, rather than being a happy girlfriend with a loving BF who have a future together.
You can't rescue him. Breaking up may be the only thing that snaps him into the reality of his behavioral situation. It's not your job to fix him. He can't be fixed without his willing participation.
You've only been together for two years so it's not like you've built a life together or have a family together.
Call it a day and move on because you deserve better than that.
Consider your current relationship in these terms. If he has early on-set dementia it's going to get worse and most likely you'll be mired in the role of care slave at some point. If he doesn't then the guy is showing his true colors which are he has no respect for you and he's an a$$hole. If this is true, then you're dodging a bullet getting away from that. Either way it's a win-win for you.
RUN
My husband grew up playing hockey (and still plays 3x a week), also had a roll-over car accident and then a kite skiing accident that resulted in him losing his memory for 12 hours. I watch him closely for signs of CTE, not that anything can help him if he did develop it.
Aside from this, you are 22 years apart in age. Odds are that you will become his caregiver sooner rather than later. AND you said he's not one to take care of his health and go to a doctor regularly -- even when he had a bacterial infection in his tooth YOU had to make the appointment *like his Mom*. If you live 2 hours apart, how often do you see each other? How well do you really know this guy after 2 years?
"At present, our relationship is steady and he makes no indication that he wants to end things (i.e. he never complains about me in the big picture), but I'm enduring a lot ..."
Of course he never complains and doesn't want to end things -- he now has a free caregiver-in-training who is ready to orbit around him in his planned helplessness. You shouldn't be enduring anything...
Yup, he played baseball when he was younger but never had concussions with that....HOWEVER! Now that you do mention it, he did hit his head on a piece of plexiglass in his apartment on accident. It left a scratch on his forehead, but I don't think he hit it that hard. He's had a few bicycle accidents in his youth, but I don't believe he's had a concussion that I know of.
We see each other a few times each week. Rarely does a week go by where we aren't getting together and we talk regularly each day. We've traveled together. He's rather independent and introverted, so he doesn't need people or contact the way I do, so he's use to being solo, but goes out and does things with me on a regular basis.
You also have choices.
To keep 'walking on eggshells' around his moods. Or not. Walk out of the room, do not engage if any put downs.
Find a calmer time to discuss things. See if in a quieter time he opens up?
Keep your friendships. Start finding hobbies without him. Keep looking for joy in your life. Whether you stick around or not is up to you.
As I read your post, I did detect cognitive dissonance on your part. This is normal under these abnormal circumstances. Even though we see changes in someone's treatment of us, we always revert back to the beginning of how we were treated during the honeymoon period of the relationship. Are these actually dementia symptoms or some other type of personality disorder when he deflects and gaslights you into thinking everything is okay. Is he displaying intermittent abuse cycles to keep you off balanced?