My father-in-law has Parkinson's and has a catheter due to having blood in his urine and blockage of the uretha. The blood has cleared up, and he will be having a procedure this week to see if the problem can be resolved. He is currently in a nursing home and is receiving physical therapy to help with balance and strength. When we visited him, he was crying to get him out because he doesn't want to die there. He has lived with us before for a brief period due to my husband being extremely concerned for their safety. Mother-in-law with Alzheimer's is living with her daughter 15 miles from the nursing home. It is no longer an option for my father-in-law to live with his daughter.
My question is how do we know if it is best for my father-in-law to live with us or stay in a nursing home? We will have a registered nurse with him for a minimum of 10 hours a day while we are at work. Has anyone else been in this situation? My husband feels like he is between a hard rock and a brick wall.
I could not even begin to imagine what my life would be like now and would have been like since 2004, if we had been trying to take care of my mother at home with my wife and I both on disability with bi-polar disorder, etc. and two very busy teenage boys who love to get away from house just to escape our own family drama from time to time!
Karen has given you very good advice!
I would add that this is probably a very good time to seek out an objective third party like a therapist to discuss your marriage. Unless there are some healthy talked through boundaries for a marriage couple and for a family with children at home, taking an elderly person with serious medical needs into one's home will have a negative impact upon the marriage (unless the person is a martyr doormat) and upon the children.
I'm not saying this is true in your situation, but it could be and so often I've read stories here where it has been the case. A spouse, usually the wife, will speak of how isolated they feel. I've asked them, do you think you are the only one in the house who feels alone? Then I go on to ask them if it is possible that their spouse, usually the husband, feels lonely as well but may not be saying it with words or directly pinpointing it with words? I also ask if it just might be possible that their husabnd does not feel as married to them like they once did which often gets summed up as 'you seem more emotionally married to your parent than to me.' Sometimes we adult children emotionally switch gears back to being our parent's child without even realzing it, paricularly if we never really left home when we got married. I encourage all of us that we remember that while we are our parent's adult offspring, we are no longer their little kid. Our elderly often infirmed parents, our spouses, our children (if we have any), and our ownselves as well are not helped at all by an adult child functioning emotionally as if they were still their parent's little girl or boy.
Your dad probably is receiving a level of medical care with his problems that most likely is not realistically possible for you to do in your home. What does his doctor say about your dad's condition and where he is living? There must have been sound medical reasons for putting him there or else he would not be there. How long has your dad been in the nursing home?
1. they still have their marbles
2. are pleasant to be around (not demanding)
3. can agree to boundaries, and stay out of son/daughters personal business.
4. don't mind being left alone because they can entertain themselves.
5. don't mind the idea of a stranger looking after them when necessary.
Anyway, that's the short list I came up with.
fix it" and seeing the pain their issues cause them.
We put Dad in a nursing home to save our Mom. We had to choose
between Mom or Dad. His behavoir from his dementia was really
causing Mom to go down hill fast.( she has had 3 heart attacks
several yrs ago).
I am so glad you are making headway in getting and recieving info
so as to make a decision for your inlaws.
I'm sorry to hear about your Dad, though. With the new medicines they have now maybe it will be a very slow progression. And you will have many wonderful moments with
him. For my sister and I we hang on to those moments of clarity
that we see in Dad. they are wonderful!
Judy-jbtrfly
Reading your latest update brought tears to my eyes and I pray that God will bless both of you and your family with the strength you would need for what's ahead.
You are right, when it rains, it usually pours, but take heart that the Sun will shine through.
God bless
Annie
(Singapore)
My own Father was just diagnosed with Alzheimers so when it rains, it pours!
My husband talked to several people today thanks to us having a snow day. He spoke with the nursing home social worker, doctor who may do surgery on father-in-law this week, dropped off papers to his dad's primary care doctor, and heard all of your responses. Yes, my husband is both POA and Medical POA which entails responsibilities. Thank you so much for all your responses. I am so touched and eternally grateful. Some of your responses brought tears to my eyes! I love my in-laws so much and treasure the time with them. It is so hard to see their diseases progress. Thank you again!
When it comes to caring for an invalid family member, it is always a very sensitive and stressful process, as the sick person usually does not know or understand the entire situation and being the person, who understands the whole situation, can put you in a spot.
Perhaps, just hold him in your arms and let him feel your love for him and whisper in his ear that you love him very much and this is what you have to do for him.
Even if he does not understand when you talk with him, actions, sometimes, speak louder than words.
I wish you all the best and God bless.
Stay strong, and get some medical advice, and then make that important decision...and move on from there.
Good luck!
Hap
There is an old adage that "It is easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission" I think this applies to your situation. Since you both work and must incur the expense of having an RN stay with him most of the day, the only difference would be that in the Nursing Home he would have 24/7 coverage. If he had a seizure or emergency during the night you would still have to rush him to the hospital so his passing might not be a lot less serene than if it occurred at the Nursing Home. The only way "bringing him home to die" would make sense is if he were receiving palliative care in a Hospice Program. So do not beat yourselves up over this. Your husband feels that he is between a rock and a brick wall because he has built that wall for himself. He is the only one who can knock it down. Help him realize that sometimes doing the right thing often feels crappy at the time but doing the wrong thing can come back to haunt us for many years later.
Good luck to you!
1. can you communicate with your father-in-law? does he understand your conversation?
2. Very few people pass away at home, usually in a hospital.If he is afraid he might be alone at his passing,gather the nurses that are
in charge of his care, with him and make sure every one knows they are to call you/husband at any sign your father-in-law is
declining. Do it in front of him to reassure him he will not be alone.
3.You and your husband need to talk about the impact it will have
on both of you. Coming home after work, tired and taking care of your father-in-law.
We brought our Dad home from the nursing home, it lasted 3 weeks, putting him back in the nursing home was devastating to
him and us. It has been very hard on usand our Mom.
Of course, dad has dementia and does not understand anything.
And does not remember 5 minutes anything you tell him.
I hope i have helped and have not added more burden. It is very
hard knowing the right thing to do. I would first try to reassure him that you will be with him at the end no matter where he is.
And most likely in a hospital and not at home. You & your husband are not doctors/nurses and can not give him the care he needs at that time, to make him comfortable.