Hi, all. I was born to a 47 year old father, who is now 66 going on 67. Most of my time spent growing up was court proceedings and custody disputes between a mother with drug issues; foster care thereafter, and survival mode after once more.
We got ''''lucky'''' around 7-8 years back, and were left a $500,000 trust for our father, w/ 2 sets of $50,000 trusts for myself and my brother, for college.
That 500,000 has dwindled to 80-90, after the purchase of a house, a new car, and a move to somewhere cross-country; as well as our father getting back into contact with his kids from a prior message and helping them out financially a lot, in the 30-60 grand amount. Seperate issue.
Now that I'm of college age, if a bit past it, I couldn't fathom not spending most of my days at home. My father isn't yet at a point where he's deteriorating mentally, but he needs help with a lot of stuff. Occasionally getting up, not able to make food all of the time, needs someone to drive, a bunch of little things that combine with health issues where he had a bout of about 6 months of being in and out of comas for a calcium imbalance that would've been fatal without us here to see the day by day change, as he was able to act entirely normal to our half-sister on the phone.
My brother & his partner moved to New York in November-ish of last year, and stayed until March, when a brain tumour was found in my father's head. They flew back for this; as well as their roommates weren't good people. Now, barely 6 months on, they want to move into their own house. I understand this desire for independence, because I want it too, but I don't see a world where anyone can live with our father, and the fairest thing to me feels like splitting the load and perhaps just pooling savings for a larger property we feel more happy in. I have a laundry list of my own issues w/ PTSD, Depression, AuDHD, and there are times like now where I've not left bed for a month+, and struggle some days to eat even 600 calories. I'm barely in a place to take care of myself, let alone someone else, especially as aging continues. In contrast to this, my brother and his partner are very self motivated, out almost every day, and energetic.
I'm looking for advice on that topic, and perhaps how to talk to them and sort of talk it out, as well as if it's even reasonable to have such an opinion on their desire to move out again.
Additionally, I didn't get to make many memories with my dad. There's so much cool stuff we want to do but of his more serious issues, walking a moderate period is one of them, and a lot of our interests are museum based. Obviously 66 isn't a terribly old age by modern standards, and he's adamant he'll make it to 85, so there's 19 years, but things are going to get more hard, not easier, and I feel so lost and scared with how things are, and so guilty for being so tired and lacking any executive function to want to even do these things, or do anything but sleep and lay in bed.
I don't want to scare my brother, so, I'm asking all of this here.
For a less personal part, my father is 10% disabled per. the VA, but is on medicaid. With the prospect of fulltime care, I need to look at how to buy groceries, so if anyone can help with that process through either of those, or even a third party if it's easier / preferable, I'll take whatever information I can consume.
How did they treat your Father's brain tumor? Or did they? What's his prognosis for that? Was the tumor causing the hypercalcemia?
Your brother gets to decide whether he participates as a caregiver or not. He's decided to not, so end of story there.
You have your own laundry list of issues and caregiving is not going to help you move forward. It most likely be deleterious, especially if you aren't out in the world earning money (you will need 40 quarters -- 10 years -- of work history to collect social security). A larger house means more costs and time in maintenance and repairs. I think you are romanticizing that "things will be better/we'll be happier if we can just _______." and this most likely won't be true, even the part about making "fun" memories with your Father. I don't blame you for wanting this but as a parent to 3 adult sons I'd want you out building your own life. Maybe your dream shouldn't be looking back into the past and being stuck in the present with your Father but looking forward and becoming a young, healthy Father to your own family?
Is your Father cognitively disabled? Why can't he figure things out for himself? Or is he just used to having family orbit around him?
And if he is a veteran he may very well qualify for some aide and assistance through the VA, where someone will come to his house to help him whatever way he needs help in.
Your dad is not old(I'm 67 and far from being old), and to me it sounds like you are the one who's trying to make excuses as to why you cannot move forward in your own life, using your dads age and small health issues to justify you being stuck.
Thank God your brother has enough sense to want to be out on his own and live and enjoy his life. It's just a shame that you don't want the same for yourself.
Everyone has to grow up at some point in their life and take responsibility for the choices they're making, without the unending excuses, including you.
You were NOT born too late, but were right on time.
So quit with the excuses and get on with living and enjoying this one life you've been given.
NO parent would ever want their child/children giving up their lives for them if they truly loved them...NONE.
Time to cut the apron strings and get out there and spread your wings and fly.
I wish you well in doing just that.
My husband and I are in our late 70s, and we are both quite capable of ‘doing cool stuff and making memories’. A few limitations, but not too many. You father at 67 is equally capable. He should not “need help with a lot of stuff”. Your “laundry list of your own issues” also sounds as though you are feeling quite sorry for yourself, and probably writing off your own opportunities.
If you have times ‘like now where you've not left bed for a month”, perhaps you could consider joining the army. They have both doctors and discipline on call. You might even benefit from it!
I agree that it's very reasonable, it's just unfair insofar as not discussing alternative care options, what they're able to help with, and so on.
The navy was on my mind for a while, but, if I left, there'd be 5 months where nobody checks in on him, and that doesn't seem like the best idea.
The laundry list of issues was a rather matter of fact way of putting it. If i could logic out of physical symptoms, I would. I don't doubt the nature of the environment in the military would help, but, that's rather extreme. It was thrown in there to, more than anything, illustrate that I don't think I'm capable of giving the help he needs, and to then figure out what sort of help we could get. I don't think things get better on their current course with the modifier of watching my father die day by day.
Let your brother and his partner get their own place. Sharing a mortgage among any more than two people who are married has all sorts of financial and legal problems. Visit them often and consider them to be role models -- self-motivated, out almost every day, and energetic. You can get there too.
Regarding groceries, your local supermarket, Target, or Walmart will let you order and pay online, and then deliver to you. It will take some time to go through all the options the first couple of times, but after that you can whip through what you've ordered before and then revise it as needed.
Luckily we own our present house outright, but I get the memo. It's just a difficult position to be in as even barring the monetary issues, a full-time caregiver would be overkill, but him living alone is also not on the table. It's all weird, anyways. And, luckily once more, the issues aren't due to a lack of food in the house, moreso appetite concerns, threw it in as a manner to do my best to sort of convey where I'm at.
I appreciate the kind words, even if it's a bumpy road, I'm sure there's a finish line somewhere.