For those of you who know my story, you know the relationship that I have with my dad. He is now in the hospital for some health issues and is receiving physical therapy. The doctor wants to recommend a nursing facility after discharge due to the issues. I'm in agreement because he needs help fulltime and I can not do it. But I do not think my dad is going to agree with this because he keeps talking about what he can do on his own and he can't. He was verbally/emotionally abusive to me as a child and to my mother as well. The abuse continued into my adulthood. He is also demanding. Even one of the nurses at the hospital told me that he is. When I go visit him, he finds things for me to do! Such as hand him things that are right by him. The doctor is supposed to talk with us this week but I will working and can not take off work. I'm afraid that decisions will be made without me being there. I have also noticed a change in him cognitively that was not present before. My question is, am I responsible for being a full time caregiver upon discharge? I can’t do it.. I have cried for two days thinking about it. I'm not a bad person, but I know it would not be a positive experience.
"No, Aunt/Uncle, I cannot quit my job to care for Father. I couldn't do it even if he were cooperative and appreciative, and he's not."
" He needs to be somewhere with people who can make him listen to what he needs to do to stay safe. That's not me."
"No, I do not owe him my life. That idea is laughable. I am the ONLY person who can take care of me. He has other options."
"I won't listen to this any longer. My being his caregiver is not on offer."
Send the discharge planners an email, text, fax or drop off a written letter "I cannot provide care for my father. He will not be safe at home because he will be alone, despite what he may tell you."
Also, since you are NOT his POA, you really have no authority here. Remember, if you decide to help find a rehab/NH for him, you don't sign ANYTHING. HE signs for himself. You are NOT the responsible party
Consider having the state take guardianship.
I hate waiting for the other shoe ( parent ) to drop .
Sometimes someone kind-hearted, big-hearted has been trained to be the *helper* all their life. Be a good girl & do... what a great help you are.. it's not evil. Just being trained up to be useful. But.. the power imbalance of adult : child can sometimes be misused. A parent can assume their child is their servant. This is wrong - can slide into abuse.
So to step back, walk away, say no, can feel like a huge dent to that self-worth of being a helper/kind-hearted. Being *good*.
This can be all-or-nothing thinking.
I must help - or I am not good.
I must fix their problem - or I am not good.
I must do as they say - or I am not good.
Silly right?
What about respect instead?
Eg I respect it is your decision Dad.
To choose LTC, rehab, home with adequate services or home alone with none. You are free to decide - also free to change your mind.
However, you cannot decide for me. Cannot decide about my job, my time or what I will do.
A person can be very big-hearted, be proud of that, be respectful - but not a servant.
Many of us here worked well with discharge planners because we had mentally well, non-abusive parents who understood that they needed to go to LTC, and discharge planners who understood without asking that none of the professionals ("the kids") in the meeting was going to be providing care. The question never arose.
FB has only recently returned to work. She has an abusive, entitled father who has already told family members that her job is temporary and that she will be quitting to provide him with care in his home. Her relatives are already piling on with the "you are obligated to do this" speeches, making her feel guilty, doubtful of her own stance and vulnerable.
Our fear is that she will agree to look at homes. And then be persuaded to become POA. And end up being called relentlessly by her abusive father to fix this, that and the other thing. And to take him home.
That's my worry. Which is why I'm thinking that backing off now might be a good idea.
I agree FB is vulnerable , as she stated
she has “ bigger heart “.
I did too and it took a long time to recover and get my life back .
It’s so easy to get lost in FOG .
Actually imo this makes it easier for Beauty to disentangle herself from him, as the hospital has a discharge planner as a paid employee of the hospital. So their job is to find placement for patients about to be discharged. The go-to that is easiest will be to have him written up to be a post-hospitalization rehab discharge to a NH with a rehab sector as Medicare will pay for pretty much a guaranteed 20/21 days. The discharge planner then finds the NH unless family want to get involved. But this family does not want to be involved!
Beauty - your dad being sent to rehab at a NH is what you want to have happen. And you want the discharge planner to take the lead on this 100%. Let them find and do the placement. You stand back and do not give in to either Dads pleading or if the planner wants to give you this monkey to deal with cause “your family”. It’s the planners job and it's a pretty seamless as part of the overall hospitalization process. He has the insurance (Medicare) to totally pay the initial rehab time and has the big fat hospital chart that shows rehab is necessary. After the fist 20/21 Medicare covers @ 50% and his secondary health insurance more than likely covers the other 50%. There is little you need to do to make this happen or to get for him while he’s a rehab patient in a NH. He is very much under MD and therapist orders as per his discharge instructions. If he whines about stuff, it’s bs, so turn a deaf ear.
& when he fails to “progress” in his rehab sufficiently to continue the Medicare rehab billing, the NH will have to - HAVE TO - find a safe and secure way for him to leave. Again the NH has to find a way for him to leave as he’s there in a skilled nursing facility under Medicare and Medicare requires a safe and secure transport to a facility with “like” abilities. Which either means he moves from being a rehab patient to become a long term custodial care resident in this NH or another NH, OR, the NH finds a legit reasoning to call EMS to have him taken to the ED/ER of a hospital and then the NH will not take him back so he once again he becomes an placement issue for the hospital discharge planner.
personally if it were me, I’d make myself scarce while he is in the hospital these next 2 weeks and then also at the rehab. So they can see that the daughter is not coming around daily being super involved. And the times you do go make it clear, it’s just a brief visit and you are not - NOT - taking him into your home or back to his home. Use the mantra I posted about earlier & make it part of every convo you have with staff.
Also should the hospital tell you there are all sorts of IHHS in-home health services that dad can get. Forgetabtit as that is so not happening as all those type of community based programs are very limited to # of hrs AND require a family member to be there doing all the rest of the 24/7 oversight & care all the rest of the time. Don’t let anyone buffalo or guiltify, you on this.
"Use the mantra I posted about earlier & make it part of every convo you have with staff".
Yes!
Like Ping Pong.
Staff throw you Dad's problems - Ping! "You can discuss that with my Father".
Dad expects you to catch too - Pong! "You can discuss that with staff".
Ping Pong Dad's issues back to Dad.
The hospital should not send him home with intermittent care and if they do, dad will find himself back in the hospital again.
If he returns home, you will need to remind yourself that his "emergencies" are not YOUR emergencies belong to dad and 911.
Ignore the relatives. Look at a website called OUTOFTHEFOG.COM
Good luck!
If he had unlimited funds to hire round the clock caregiving, he could go home.
If he didn't need so much caregiving, he could go home.
But his NEEDS are driving the bus. Not him and not his wants.
I can read it.
From Dad saying "go home" & expecting others to make that happen.. for YOU to make that happen.. to reality.
Dad says "go home".
Doctor looks to you.
You could have said yes I agree with Dad. Let's get him home. When can he leave?
But you didn't.
You accepted Dad *wants* to go home. But you kept practicalities front & centre.
*He wants*
He is free to want what he wants.
His wants are not commands for you to obey.
Feel it?
Yes I did. I'm just so tired... I'm tired.. This does not have to be this hard. But you are right, I shifted to him and I will continue. I have had all I can take. Deep down he knows that I have tried my best to care for him since my mom's passing.. but then again maybe he does not. I know that he has his family thinking that he didn't have help before going into the hospital and this is hurtful because he did.. He had me. But... as I said before, there is nothing else I can do. I'm in my 50's and I do not have the energy anymore to be stressed...
He has a social worker and she must have talked to him about the nursing home. I'm guessing that is why he told me to tell her he wants to go if she calls me. I have already talked to her so she knows how I feel. I have also talked to the doctor who says he needs skilled nursing care. He may have told the social worker that I will caring for him which is not true. I'm not qualified to do so. He needs hands on 24 hour care.
My dad told me that if his caseworker calls me to tell her that he wants to go home and not to skilled nursing care at the NH. I explained again why I disagree with this and I told him that he would have to tell her that. He then said, no.. that I'm in charge and I told him, no, I'm not. He will have to tell her he wants to go home because I do not agree and this will not be put all on me.
Interesting point about who's in charge isn't it?
If Dad is in charge, HE talks to staff (says what HE wants).
If YOU are in charge, YOU talk to staff (stating whatever YOU want eg home not practical).
Dad wants to be in charge, to get want HE WANTS - but make YOU do all the dirty work. He is acting like a crime boss, go smooth that over FB, make it happen...
It's simple: HE wants to go home - so HE must make that happen.
"I don't agree, so I won't be helping with that".
(I've had to use this a few times now).