How do you care for your parent when they have always had some form of mental illness?

Yearight, like your mom or dad or 'friggin golden child NPD' brother are ever going to find this website...NOT! Don't worry about it...WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF FIRST!!!!

Yes that woman conditioned you and your brother wants to chime in on that earlier training...DO NOT LET HIM...tell him to get stuffed..and to RESPECT YOU LIKE AN ADULT..not that he will but do not let them get the upperhand...if you do then they know they can get under your skin.

Wow you let those abusers have more than 1/2 of a beautiful house you custom built. Wow you have a big heart.

Nope, stay young, Piratess. I worry a bit a bout that, too. We're training our nine year old how to take care of us when we get there. But we're debt free, and staying that way.

My mom was/is a chocolate/candy stasher, too. I found a huge tub of is when she still lived downstate. I took pictures, thinking I may someday have to prove a point to some authority, some day. That day may be soon, with her requests to "her day in court" in her recent letter to a judge.

I also took photos of her huge piles of stuff/mail, etc, in her office. And her house full of nick knacks. Things she couldn't do to keep up. And the large amounts of debt. The credit cards were the first to go. I started taking one at a time, just to put a stop to the hemmorraghing. Then, when I was appointed Conservatorship, I did away with them all, along with all their checkbooks. I stopped monthly internet fees and etc. I quit sending money to organizations, zoo memberships, clubs, etc. Sickening. Such waste. It was pure joy to do away with all that folly! I paid off all their credit cards, and will never let them have them again. Children, indeed. Unruly, undisciplined, unsupervised and unfettered. But no more, just heaps of humanity, brought down by failing cognitive abilities, and declining health. Very sad. No dignity in that, and for all their pride, now they have shame. No glory, but a blot. So sad. I don't mean to kick a man while he's down, but they had some real bad habits gone sour. Now they pay the consequences. It's nothing but sad.

Good advice and perspective for dealing with mom as "stranger." Some are stranger than others, I say. I'm more a serf, to the Queen bee of E. At least, in her thinking. In mine, I'm just helping out the helpless.

Feeling much better today. That feeling of sinking dread is all but gone. Have to take some meds to her now. Read you later.

I can relate to the two faced mother. Everyone that meets my mom says that she is so sweet. I just sigh and say yes she's sweet. What am i gonna say? no one would believe me anyway, except you gal's and guy. And my brother says to me "don't we have a sweet mother". i just say yes. Well sure she is sweet to him, she raised him differently than she raised my sister and i. He is a momma's boy. Always had his way. Was wicked to my sister and i. He knew he could do anything and mom would always believe him. He would laugh about it. Now he conveniently doesn't remember any of that.
My husband and i built a new house so that we could move my parents in with us. Well, we were gonna do it anyway but we made it much bigger than we would have other wise. My parents have half of the house. Master bedroom and bath, formal living and dinning room. The kitchen separates them from our side of the house. We have two bedrooms, family rm. is ours.
When we were moving our things in my brother came over and began to tell us what we could and couldn't do once mom and dad moved in. Well as you can imagine we were livid.
I was reverting back to my fearful, walking on eggshell's younger self as it was. See, my mom raised me to worship my brother because she did. I was conditioned to never let my feelings out. Just take it and shut up. Don't ever make brother mad. Don't ever disagree with him.
So when he started this crap i didn't say anything and so after moving them in the tension just climbed higher and higher. i was a nervous wreck. One night my husband found me in our bedroom closet and said what are you doing? i said "quite time", we both laughed but i thought oh geez, i'm loosing it.
So than finally "it" hit the fan and words were said by everyone
but it was just putting a bandaid on it. Because as you know, mom and brother had done nothing wrong in there minds but hubby and i were horrid monsters.
The first yr. my mom lived with me, she ranted and raved, sobbed anytime i disagreed with her. Accused me and my family of abusing her rotten dog ( that's a whole 'nother story), accused me of trying to kill her. Accused the hospice nurse and dr. of trying to kill her. But of course never to their faces.
It was pure, rotten, hell in this house.
The guilt trips were heaped on me. This was her big thing when i was a kid to. Whenever i disagreed with her "are you trying to give me a heart attack"; "you want me dead, don't you". Well of course i would be broken and contrite. And beg her forgiveness, because i didn't want her dead. i didn't know there was anything wrong with her, i thought all mom's were like this.
And so she started that crap again, except i was grown up this time and although the little girl in me was still there trying to appease mommy, the woman in me won. So as time has gone by and i don't let her nonsense get to me,as much, she has begun to settle down.
Oh my, im sorry that i have rambled on. There are just so many stories, so much "stuff". Hurtful "stuff". Nasty "stuff".
When we were talking earlier about lines our mom's used how about " I've raised my kids, I'm not raising your's".
My mom would not ever babysit for me. But now i know that is a GOOD thing! She really wanted nothing to do with her grandkids.(my brother never had kids)
And one more thing, something i read in an earlier post about NPD, it said, "are they different from everyone else in their family", that hit me right between the eye's. My mom had 6 siblings and she was the only one like that. My aunt's and uncle's were totally different.
And one more thing,(i know,i know) do you know that i feel guilty talking about my mom on this blog. She conditioned me that way, i guess.
I feel like i'm doing a bad thing. Doing something bad behind mommies back. Oh Lord, help me. Us. I'm so glad that he does.

Funny thing that neon and g-girl mention the candy. My mom had this little chest in my old bedroom, filled to the brim with chocolate - like cadbury dark etc. I was wondering why when we used to go shopping together where are all these candy bars going. I thought they were for the gardners children. Then when I was doing the 4 week stint at her house I found the chest. Well I was going to start getting rid of them slowly because some I thought where old and there was a ton of dead moths in there. But when I mentioned to her "why is there a bunch of chocolate in there?", of course did not get a rational answer. So before I knew it she switched a chest that had a ton of beanie babies in it from her bedroom to my old bedroom. So now the chest of chocolate is in her bedroom. She is eating chocolate all the time now, before she never really did. Well I am going to let her have it all, I don't care anymore. Well maybe I will get rid of what looks bad.

So she can be Queen Margret the 2nd along with Neon's mom!!!!!!!

If old means getting like this...I don't want to go there at all!!!!!

All of you have my admiration for doing what you do and coming out with a smile on your faces. I have not had any internet all day, so when I got your posts, I was overwhelmed. I don't know how you all do it, but you are very strong ladies. My hat is off to you!!!! Hope tomorrow is better and that it brings hope.
Linda

That last bit you wrote is like me behind the curtian. Dad blew through 500 dollars this last month on tobacco, candy, and pastries.
I would be in a sugar induced coma.
I do not care if he has no money in his wallet.
Let him howl.
He has really good care, she buys him real food. Keeps things clean. her husband comes in and does the jobs that I will no longer allow my husband to do. I want his money to go for those things. My brother has agreed to be the one who takes away the credit card and the check book. (I like him better now.)
-Get this- dad made a huge fuss that people were coming into his home at night. He didn't call the police because by the time he woke up, they were gone-...?...hmm. surprizing.
So, I took his check book and credit card, he thought it was the safe thing to do, then, I stole his money. I gave him back his credit card and check book. He has it, uses it, and somehow, I sssssssstill have his credit card and check book. I show it to him, I put it into his hands, my mother writes checks and has him sign them( without knowing what his balance is-but why should that concern anyone but me?) And he still tells people that we are stealing his money.
They are children in the candy store. With a charge card. Even the care giver says that it has to stop.
She talked on the phone with me for about an hour tonight. My mother lives half an hour away from my father, but in her dementia...
-I KNOW she should not be driving... that is a whole 'nother thread.-
...she comes to his house about four times a week and drives him 40 miles into town, each week. She is on the 'appease her husband loop.' My father is on the, 'you never take me to town and I have no food' loop. Neither one of them can remember yesterday. or five minutes ago. I think now is the time to realize that they are not adults anymore. We have to step in and treat them as children. not with disrespect, but with the knowledge that they are not able to make wise choices or good decisions. No more guilt here. It is what it is.
sad.
but I can get over that.

Well I have posted many articles about NPD and how it works...sis you need to do what I am doing what my mom's own psychotherapists said to me. 'WHY DO YOU LISTEN"...boy that helped me IMMENSELY once I got it into my thick head. You cannot internalize what she says...KEEP A STRAIGHT HEAD ON THE PATH YOU ARE GOING. Take care of her physical needs and not HER HEART...she has none for you. You are doing the duty of a good daughter AND Court Appointed Guardian...do that job to the best of your abilities and move on...DO NOT INTERNALIZE...!!!!!

By the way, N's never, never, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER EVER will admit they are wrong...it's not in their vocabulary. So you file it away in your head that once again they are wrong and you are right, you are sane and they are not...and keep going.

If it helps pretend you are from an outside agency helping her, she's someone else's big problem and you are the Court Appointed Guardian. Believe ME THE MEDS WILL HELP!!!!!!
Hopefully the doctor on Monday will prescribe them.

You have hit on the exact thing I needed to read at this particular time. Mind you, I would like to "straighten things out" with mom during her visit to the Psychiatrist, but I am not "dragging her there," but taking her according to the referral by her PCP and a Geriatric Assessment Specialty Clinic. If I do not take her, then I am "denying her care." I am merely fulfilling my duties as Court-appointed Guardian, and following through on "doctor's orders." This gets the medical profession off my back and the courts, too, so to speak. And to tell you the truth, the more people diagnosing her, the better, as far as I'm concerned. Help for mom? I've been told her many times not to count on it. I'm looking for help for me, and for allies in my fight against her using my observations of her against me. The more people who agree with what I see, the better I can stand against her. This is new territory, as she has avoided labeling and detection by some for many years, making me doubt myself. I've been silent too long, and cannot remain so. The courts see it, and the doctors, and she's the only one who can't.

She is fighting me, though. They don't deal directly with her as I do. But she is trying to use legal powers to come against me. She thinks I'm the one with the problem, and until all the legal entities agree, and align themselves as a united front, I'm not only fighting her, but them as well. She's trying to make me afraid of them claiming she has "rights" that are being violated. She's making false accusations, playing the "Elder Abuse" card. That's a sick, and dangerous game. I hate this!

Pity the children who have no advocate. (Of which I was one. And neither mom or dad, or anyone else had much pity for.) But they were quick to blame their children for every little infraction, and demanded perfection, which was impossible to attain. O, there's millstones waiting for parents like that. Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord. So, I just say, the battle is the Lord's.

Today, I am on the defensive. She's striking preemptively, and getting coached by the seniors in her complex. They're circling the wagons, and hemming her in, and pushing me out. She casts me aside as if I have no value, and she can take things from here, with no thanks to me. Never mind I saved them from bankruptcy. She wants to be bankrupt. She wants full control of all her finances, and despises my restrictions and limitations. She, who signed a home equity line of credit, now says she didn't know her husband took out that loan, and all the financial problems were his fault. She says he would never talk to her about finances, and I just took them away. Ignore the bill collectors at the door; she didn't do anything wrong! What's a CD? What's an asset? And what happened to all our life insurance policies? Little does she know who is steering her ship, and keeps her boat safely anchored at the dock.

Secret Sis, Well since God does not make the laws on the physical earth, since he let us take over...so to speak...I think we still need to deal with Lawmakers and the Medical profession...wink! Secret Sis I was thinking of you and all the 'hash' mommo dearest is slinging at you.

Yearight...still looking for an article for you as well.

Here is an article from the same gal who set up a website dealing with her horrors that I mentioned before and have posted from before:


Criticism and the Narcissist
or how the narcissist makes you the problem

There is an interesting article published in 1990 in a psychology journal that I'd like to reference in this and upcoming posts. Parts of the article are more interesting than others so I'll summarize some of them in my own words. The parts of this article that I plan to highlight here on my blog are those concepts that I've personally seen and experienced. If I've seen and experienced it, then it is likely you have too.

One of the concepts this article visits is the subject of criticism as used by the narcissist. One of the terms this article uses is "narcissistically defended person". What this means is that the person is either a narcissist, or they have adopted narcissistic defenses even if their over-all personality can not be classified as someone with NPD. So, some of the behaviors can be seen in a person who can not be reasonably classified as having the full-blown disorder of narcissism. But, I'm here to tell ya, it is likely you will see most, if not all, of the behaviors in a narcissist.

One of the ways that the "narcissistically defended person" avoids making reparations in a relationship is by making you the problem. One vehicle for this process is criticism. There are several ways that you open yourself up to criticism from the narcissist:

He may see you as an extension of himself therefore any imperfection in you is a reflection on him and threatens his view of himself as being perfect. "Grandiose self", as the professionals refer to it, is under threat when you fall short of his expectations.

Or you can disappoint him by not being the perfect counterpoise to his grand self. He expects you to be effortlessly all-knowing and all empathic. You are expected to perceive his needs, his wants, his thoughts without him ever having to ask you to. This, of course, preserves his delusion of himself that he is god-like.

As long as he doesn't have to ask you for something he can pretend he doesn't need you.
This is very important to this discussion. His grandiose view of himself doesn't allow him to admit to himself that he needs anybody. Even those who could not be considered narcissistic can have a hard time admitting to needing others. It is sort of the human condition. With the narcissist, though, it is carried to an extreme. It is this unbending conviction that they need no one that makes either true gratitude or true remorse impossible for him to give to you.

What I'm talking about today is how you are set up by the narcissist for criticism. Not only does admitting to having needs of his own threaten his god-like status, but your expressing a need that you want the narcissist to fulfill, or your telling him how you feel about something he has said or done, puts a target on your head. Zap. You hardly know what hit you. He can turn it around on you in an instant.

Example: a narcissist who is nurturing a grandiose vision of herself as a spiritual paragon of virtue is asked to admit that she gossiped about you. Rather than admit to being a gossip she will tell you that she only stated the truth about you and apparently you can't handle the truth being said. Because there some truth in her gossip, you suddenly feel like you have no right to expect an apology or restitution. The narcissist successfully transfers attention from their defects of character to your alleged defects. You were disarmed because of the smidgen of truth in the accusations.

In psychological terms, the narcissist pathologizes you in order to preserve the false grand image of themselves. In the wake of the narcissistic attack you are left feeling like you are bad. This is related to the idea of projection. You challenged their god-like and perfect image in some way, so they are compelled to transfer their unconscious sense of badness onto you in order to render themselves without fault or imperfection. This is very destructive to you.

Something the article focuses on is how the narcissist can do this pathologizing of you all the more effectively if they are versed in psychoanalytic terms and processes. This can be someone who works in the field of psychology or simply someone who has immersed themselves in pop psychology books. I have experienced this personally with my sister. She became a much more adept manipulator, much more subtle manipulator, after she'd spent some time studying a Christian psychology-based course. After that she was always diagnosing everyone else's supposed faults and became very adept at pathologizing anyone who dared to contradict her in any way. Because she can sound so authoritative and use professional sounding terms to pathologize her victims, the victims are usually rendered voice-less and condemned without any hope of appeal. Not to mention the extra power of using a Christianized form of psychology to keep people subjected spiritually and morally as well as emotionally. I hate Christian psychology. It is mis-used much more than people like to admit.

There is a growing understanding out there among the professionals that traditional psychological methods tend to worsen personality-disordered individuals rather than help them for the same reasons that I have observed in my sister; the personality-disordered person uses the information to improve their manipulation skills, not to correct their own character defects. Keep this in mind if you are toying with the idea of dragging the narcissist into therapy with you. Chances are you will end up with a bigger problem on your hands than you started with.

Above are described some of the ways you can find yourself cut down and cut to pieces by a narcissist's projection and criticism so you can avoid this dance. You don't have to participate in the narcissist's attempts to annihilate you and thereby preserve their grand selves. The narcissist's criticism is their defense against any and all hints that they are less than God Himself. The narcissist's efforts to transfer all fault onto you is not about you. It is about him. You are simply a tool to prop up his false image.

Sometimes a little gasoline in the lipstick can set the world on fire, LOL. We did sign some petitions and write to Congressmen, but I have no hope in the government. My hope is in God, alone. The government doesn't have all the answers, but I know one who does, and he's much bigger than any government. I don't look for answers from our government, but am thankful for the help we have received from them, so I'm not complaining, too much. Except, if I was to talk to a Congressman, I'd ask if I could have some of my tax money back, as I would like to make my own choices with it, thank you very much. But no one is asking for my opinion on that, as of yet. Someday...is the hope on that, but I'm not holding my breath.

oH AND BY THE WAY PIRATRESS AT THE TIME IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A BLESSING TO BE TAKEN OUT OF THAT HOUSE i KNOW ONE TIME WE WERE DRIVING TO MY GRANDMOTHERS HOUSE AND WE ALWAYS PASSED THE HOUSE OF GOOD SHEPHERD A SCHOOL FOR "BAD" GIRLS EVERYTIME WE WNT BY I WAS TOLD IF YOU KEEP IT UP THATS WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO BE GOING AOUND THE SAME TIME THE FRYING PAN INCIDENT HAPPENED HE SAID IT AND I SAID SO STOP AND LET ME OUT pLEASSSSE HE JUST TURNED AROUND AND LOOKED AT ME I THINK IT WAS ABOUT THAT TIME HE FIGURED OH SHIT I'M GONNA HAVE TROUBLE WITH THIS ONE AND BOY DID HE. ALSO I BLABBED EVERYTHING WHEN I WS ABOUT THIS AGE TO AND LIKE SECRETSISTER I HAVEN'T SHUT UP SINCE THATS A LONG TIME TO FLAP YOUR GUMS.

Good night sweet sisters and brother it is time lmost for me to leave work and deal with the dragon in the guest room you know she won't even act like she lives there just uses the bathroom and kitchen occassionally washes her clothes and lays in her bed eating her candy like she is Queen Margaret. So sad really but if thats the way she wants it fine with me I am tired of beating my head against the wall, i am living MY life and thats all there is to it she took enough of my years the rest of them ARE MINE.

i AM SURE WE WILL HAVE SOME MORE WONDERFUL TALKS AND EMAILING THE PRESIDENT IS A TERRIFIC IDEA WE SHOULD KINDA SORT THRU INFO AND SEND IT i WILL SEE WHAT I COME UP WITH THIS WEEK END i HAVE A LONG WEEK END WONT BE BACK IN UNTIL TUESDAY BUT I HAVE A PC AT HOME FOR SOMEREASON i CAN'T GET MY NOTIFICATIONS T HOME ANY MORE ?? HAVE TO CHECK THAT OUT TO. XXXXOO

You hit it right, Piratess. We were taught to play along with the false image. Never mind what went on behind the scenes. And woe to the child who blew the whistle, or rocked the family boat, or divulged the secret. There was an elephant in our living room, and I hated it. I was quiet for 28 years, and when I broke away for the cycle of abuse, after a series of abusive boyfriends continued the pattern, I started talking, and no one's been able to shut me up, yet. Mom is trying to shut me down, by telling the authorities I'm lying, but she can't keep up the pretenses she once could. Her professional, enabling circle is narrowing, and they have seen things without me saying a word. She thinks I'm telling doctors she's mental. Nope; they told me. How grateful I am they are seeing what I've been wondering about for years. Of coarse, she tells them it's "all my daughter's fault." Thank God for truth and light. At least I'm free. I doubt my mom will ever be.

But for anyone struggling, there is hope. And this is an incredibly healing place to share our stories, fears, experiences, struggles, and our victories. We don't have to crouch down in fear anymore, silently enduring torture and isolation. For that, I am grateful. Piratess, I know what you mean about the "Adult Children forums." Been there, done that, had to leave. Beyond, there is hope.

WoW...Neon....I am kinda glad he stopped you, that would have been worse if you would have killed him. I hope he did not punish you after that, but I am saying hope...I know how they can be. Yes the 60's they were the good days and the 70's. If we each write to Obama on his website ( I almost feel like sending him the link to countless posts - not just this one for this type of abuse to make him aware of it ) perhaps we can make a difference finally. I wonder if anyone has approached him. Secret Sis did you mention your husband was going to contact a local congressman?

hI pIRATRESS, HERE I GO AGAIN WITH THIS STINKING HAND AND i'M JUST GOING TO LET IT RIP NO MATTER WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE, yES THERE IS SO MUCH MENTAL ILLNESS AND IT IS SO HUSH HUSH. sCIENCE DOESN'T KNOW ALL THEY CLAIM TO KNOW ABOUT OUR BODIES AND MUCH MUCH LESS ABOUT THE HUMAN MIND, PERHPS WE NEED TO GET TOGETHER AND START SOMETHING, ME BEING A TEENAGER OF THE 60'S AND NOT BEING ALLOWED TO PARTICIPATE IN THOSE YEARS I HAVE A LOT OF LETS GET SOMETHING STARTED FOR THE BETTERMENT OF OUR PLANET IN ME lol i AM SO THnkful i wasn't sexually abused I would have killed someone and back in them days they would have never understood the mental anquish a child can suffer, there was a time I almost I say almost hit my father over the head with a cast iron skillet but he saw me coming out of the corner of his eye and grabbed the pan out of my hand he did however stop his meaness. right then and there must have been a kodak moment for him.

Well, this disease affects many families it's almost like a well kept secret. I wish the Nation WOULD KNOW MORE ABOUT IT. I cannot believe the mental and medical profession does not cry to roof tops about this. So much about Cancer and other diseases and nothing about this. Why is that, are we hiding mental illness and yes personalty disorders (SHOULD be lumped in there with mental illness) in the Nation's closet. Yes there is child abuse hotlines and child protective services, but do they think that kids can do anything, see the trick with NPD's is the train you right from the get go to make you afraid, so no one tells anyone. Families make excuses and hide it. Then there are the N's themselves who know how to put out the Nicey-Nicey fake front to everyone, and slap the shit out of you behind closed doors. So yeah there was no help for us during our formative years and the damage that they do goes over into adulthood. Amazing, simply amazing. There are hundreds of posts I have read about what people went through, some of it very horrible when it came to physical or worse sexual abuse. Be thankfull you did not get the sexual abuse. I see those folks in real real bad shape, it's almost scary. I was on for a short time on a Yahoo Group ACON'S - Adult Children of Narcissists, I could not stay very long, those people where really messed up in the head. One person would just type long crazy almost diary type of dialog with some psycho poetic license, really scary and really whack. That person really needed some physicians help, I hope they were getting it on the side. No one responded to those, they were really like if someone from a mental ward was writing it. So if there's one thing, be thankful you did not get a parent who did sexual abuse. One lady in one post wrote that her mom made her at 12 parade around the living room topless in front of her uncle..and mom was making fun of how flat she was.....how whack is that, and how sad (one example).

COFFEE RUNS THRU MY VEINS AS WELL IF THEY TOOK IT OFF THE MARKET i WOULD HAVE TO BUY ALL THEY HAD ON THE SHELF asap lol yOU ARE ALL ENCOURAGING TO ME i HOPE i AM TO YOU SORRY AGAIN ABOUT THIS GOOFY TYPING BUT THE SPLINT IS ALWAYS IN THE WAY AND i'M TOOO TARRED TO RETYPE IT.

gvrgrl, thanks for the mental chocolate. Feeling better already, as well as understood, loved and appreciated. Thank you. You are a talented writer. Please keep at it! I love your: null hypothesis conclusion. I can't wait to purchase an autographed copy of your book. You have tons to share! Thanks for being a blessing, and for being on these boards.

That goes for the rest of you, too. Each and every poster has so many talents to share. What survivors and encouraging ladies, (and a gentleman) you all are. Thank you.

My mom is in that "won't listen to the shrink" category. Thanks for sharing that funny saying. I love it. I love coffee, too. Rest, blessed rest. Here's hoping you get plenty. Hope you're feeling better soon. Take care.

gvergrl, you are a rare treasure. I celebrate your freedom with you! Thank you for the mental chocolate. I am free, as well. Yesterday was close to hell, as every moment seems to be when around Mom lately. It weighs heavily on me, but I have hope.

I talked to the Home Health Agency Director this morning, who reported nothing negative from yesterday's transport encounter. The lady who took her was smiling when they arrived. Mom was not when she saw me sitting at the Specialty Clinic. Oh well. They needed me to be there to see her in action, or so I think. Others are seeing the things I've known all along, and are beginning to get the real picture. The little abused girl in me from long ago is finally feeling vindicated and starting to understand the lies she was told. Others are seeing and hearing the lies, too. I don't buy them anymore, but they still hurt. I'm human, and don't apologize for that. I'm sensitive, which is also my strength. I can root for the underdog, because I know how it feels. That is empowering.

Mom's Heavenly Helper will be taking her to see her husband tomorrow, monitoring and documenting the visit. She will redirect and will direct both mom and dad. This dear brave soul (who's not worried about Mom) will take her to the grocery store as well. Mom's feeling too restricted by my limitations, and I don't want to see her go off the deep end with things, so in my compassion, I'll allow her to exercise that "freedom" against my better judgment. Mom's a covetous hoarder, not understanding limits or restrictions, so I loosen the reigns a bit. How bad can that be? At least a mature, responsible adult will accompany her, and direct her activities, and I don't have to be the heavy.

I can relax with my wonderful nine year old. We're planning a birthday party for my husband. It's Saturday. We all need a break, and I'm praying for some respite, rest and refreshing.

gvergrl, I love to read your posts. You go girl. I think God is smiling on you. I love the mountain top experiences, when all seems well. But we don't get to stay on the mountain. We grow in the valley, as he walks beside us. Enjoy the heights! We rejoice with you. I am so glad your chains fell off. You are free to soar, and mount up as with wings of eagles. Enjoy the ride.

It was supposed to be that you can lead a horse to water, but you can NOT make them listen to the shrink.
Maybe coffee plays too important of a role in my life. Nothing works without it.
Have a better day today ladies and gentleman, I need to nurse this sinus infection. Sleep feels really good lately.

eMpathetic, 'epathetic' sounds like a colon cleaner.

You Sweet things were up awfully late last night. vent or explode. I am glad some one was up with you.

After my last post I felt so much better. I laid in bed last night thinking how different my entire body felt. I felt strong. I have had health isuses my entire life. Bad enough to seek help, but not bad enough for there to be any help. IBS. migraine, allergies to everything, Fibromyalgia, chronic fatige...I got labels but no help.
I guess I should have gone to a therapist first.

My first thought after reading your posts was OH NO! I am getting better, and they are having awful days. I wish I could drag you with me.
I guess that is why I though about you so much yesterday, sis. epathetic trama waves.
The bright side: NOW others know. and your mom now knows others know.
That will eat on her. Any time either of my parents had to see anyone from a nurologist to a therapist they freaked out. ''It was her! It was HIM! They did it! You don't know how they have made this look!''
You can lead a horse to water, but you can make them listen to the shrink.
Stop spending money on mom and follow Neon's lead. Help yourself before you get really sick. Do it for you and the people you love. It doesn't mean we are crazy, it means we need coping skills, and fast.
As I laid in bed thinking how great it felt to have answers ,and to be starting to understand this, I thought it was like mental chocolate. I want you all to enjoy mental chocolate.

Ezcare, My husband is like you, accept, move on. But I am a scientist. I need answers. I need 'cause and affect.' I managed to survive by making everything a lab report. Everyone copes whatever way they can. I can write 'null hypothesis' under the title "I am to blame" and move on now. My mother likes the quote,"you can not escape your early beginnings." I am now ready to prove that wrong.

Sis, take a long walk quickly. It really will help.

Every journey begins with the first step. Just keep on walking and take comfort in knowing that we are with you in spirit and in the truth.

Funny thing is, though. Mom's trees are changing shape. She's thinking things that aren't true, and seeing things that aren't there. It's a fuzzy forest, with dark shadows. Don't go in alone after dark. 'Taint afraid, but don't want to tempt God, either. Stay sane! And pray for those who aren't.

Secretsister, I am learning to put it Gods hands thats what he tells us to do. I seems to be easier as long as I don't plug into her energy. That is a hard one for me as i am sensitive to and have a tendency to take it personally but it is not personal it is her disease and i have to remind myself that everyday. Like you I used to say well thats mom for ya and it is and its because she has this disease that she has had all her life or at least 60 years that I know of and it feels normal for her. She cannot see the forrest for the trees.

Hello Ladies. We have so much in common. I'm blown out of the water at the audacity these moms are capable of. And how we have been forced to survive. I was thinking Mitzipinki should be on these threads, because if you read some of her posts, her stories rival ours. Amazing stuff, this. I only saw it as "normal" for so many years, and basically kept my distance. But since being asked by dad's bank to step in, I have come to realize the far reaching implications and impact of mom's mental illness, that seems to be growing worse. I used to think, "this is just mom." We kind of shrugged it off. But in her deepening state of anger and symptoms, I cannot overlook the seriousness of it. Don't mean to wish ill on mother dearest, but I'm thankful that others are finally seeing it. That makes me want to uncover ALL the sordid details of the past! Like: finally, someone believes me. I thought I was just "too sensitive, or imagining things." I bargained, thinking, "she's not that bad," or "it's just mom." Never did I realize that it was actual mental illness. I'm still grappling with the text book description. Why did it take me 51 years to find these?

Now we can ignore it no longer. And I am getting the full brunt of her wrath. After establishing a separate life of my own, and discovering distinctly different values, my own separate identity, and developing my strengths, sensitivities, empathy and compassion, I am ready to tackle this last valley with mother. I have no idea what to expect, but it's not looking favorable. Lord, please give me strength to endure and persevere in caring for mom. The only reason I don't walk, is because this is mom. Mean, cantankerous, nasty, cussing, angry, belligerant, vindictive, self serving mommy dearest. And God made me a firstborn. So here I am, till he calls one of us home, or the court relieves me of my duties. What a mess! I'm also praying I stay sane, and mentally intact in the process. Or maybe I'm not...just as mom can't see her illness...hmmmmmmmmmm

Don't you hate that second guessing?

Hope you ladies have peaceful a day. God's mercies are new every morning. Praying your blessings are many. Take care of you, because you are worth it! And thanks for being on these threads, and sharing your hearts deepest desires and saddest emotions. You have been a blessing to me. Thank you.

YES IF THEY ONLY KNEW WHAT A BATTLE OUR LIVES HAVE BEEN JUST TO STAY SANE

yearright oh honey the list goes on and on I thought it was me for so ever long and I too like you realized about 6 this wasn't right I also realized at that age I was ever going to be like her and have made it a concerted effort to be that way. Now it is just indifference. I will take care of my mother I will kill her with kindness but I will not give in to her tantrums and her no it all capacity I'm 60 years old for crying out loud I've been cooking since I was 7 I ought to know something by now so any more when she waaNTS ME TO LISTEN TO HOW i SHOULD COOK SOMETHING i EITHER SAY AHUH AND DO IT MY WAY OR SAY WOULD YOU LIKE TO COOK TONIGHT? THE ANSWER IS ALWAYS NO SHE HAS LIVED WITH ME FOR 1 YEAR AND 4 MONTHS AND i CAN COUNT ON ONE HAND THE MEALS SHE HAS COOKED FOR US ON ONE HAND AND STILL HAVE 2 FINGERS LEFT OVER AND I'M THANKFUL YUCK YUCK YUCK, MY MOTHER IS THE ONLY PERSON I KNEW AS A CHILD WHO COULD MAKE A ROAST BEEF AND IT WOULD LOOK LIKE A GIANT PRUNE. I WAS DEVASTATED WHEN I READ THAT ARTICLE I POSTED AND NOW IT MAKES SWNSE IN A SICK WAY THE SAD PART IS TO KNOW THAT IS MY MOTHER BUT SHE WOULD NEVER ADMIT TO IT BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH HER MIND. I SUGGESTED THERAPY TO HER ABOUT 23 YEARS GO AND FOR SOMEONE WITH A BAD BACK I NEVER SEEN ANYONE BLOW OUT OF A DOCTORS OFFICE WITH SO MUCH FORCE, PISSED DOESN'T EVEN BEGIN TO DISCRIBE HER. IT WAS LIKE A HURRICANE AND YOU GUESED IT SHE DIDN'T SEE THAT DOCTOR ANY MORE HE JUST COULD NOT FIND ANYTHING PHYSICALLY WRONG WITH HER AFTER 15 VISITS.

I HAD TO HAVE A HYSTERECTOMY IN 86 I ASKED HER A MONTH IN ADVANCE IF SHE WOULD COME TO HELP ME WITH MY 5 YR OLD HER REPLY "I MIGHT BE SICK" SO THAT WAS THE ONLY TIME I EVER ASKED HER TO DO ANYTHING. THE NIGHT BEFORE MY SURGERY I WAS DOING LAUNDRY LAYING IN GROCERIES, CLEANING I GET A PHONE CALL FROM DAD YOUR MOTHER IS IN ER SHE'S HAD A HEART ATTACK, OH MY FIND A BABY SITTER RUN TO THE HOSPITAL, I WENT BACK TO TALK TO THE ER DOC. HE SAID THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR MOTHER AHA I WILL GET ATTENTION BECAUSE OF MY SURGERY DON'T LET ME OUT OF THE PICTURE, OH HOW I COULD WRITE A BOOK AND I THINK I WILL LIVING WITH A NARCICCISTIC MOTHER A NARCICCISTIC/ALCOHOLIC FATHER THAT SHOULD BE A BEST SELLER CUZ BOY DO I HAVE A MEMORY LOL

secret sister aha are you sure you aren't really my sister? yes yes and yes