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since you posted under Caregiver Burnout and how do you self diagnose...
Well sister you got it in spades!
I think the reaction (or non reaction) you are having now is much like an abused dog would eventually have. They give up the fight and submit.
I would hate to think that is going or is happening to you.
During the 5 months that MIL is "visiting" is there any way you can take the kids and go to a friends house? A relative? Get a short term rental?
The exposure your kids are getting is not healthy mentally for them.
If this is what they know and think is "normal" I can see this happening to them or they are going to subject their spouse to the same thing, Do you want that for another person?
I also think it is unfair to MIL to not be getting proper care, not that you and you husband are not caring for her but someone that has that much anxiety, fear, anger should be properly medicated to relieve some of that fear, anxiety for their own mental health.
If you have not talked to a therapist you should although...if you can not do anything to change the situation talking is just talking.
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Did anyone tell the psychiatrist that she's having paranoid delusions?

Your mother in law DESERVES better medical treatment than she's getting. Your husband's family sound like a bunch of real jerks.

AND you, my poor, patient friend, have all the symptoms of very deep depression. Please get yourself to a psychiatrist, for the sake of your children if you can't see why you should go for yourself.

The damage that living with the loathing of your mother-in-law (and your husband's support of her abuse) is doing to your kids is immeasurable.

It teaches a daughter to expect abuse.

It teaches a son that it's okay to debase your partner.
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lealonnie1 Mar 2023
True that. In an effort to appease elders w tons of issues, we sometimes get lost in what the situation is DOING to US, our relationships but mostly our CHILDREN. My childhood was utterly destroyed by the extended family dysfunction in our home. I was never able to achieve a healthy relationship w my mother due to all the histrionics that went on in our home. I lost respect for both mom and her mother over their fighting and the effect it had on ME.
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Tell your husband these exact words:

"By keeping your mother here abusing me, our children, and family life, you are doing PERMANENT damage to our marriage and family."

Repeat it every single day, because it's true. Tell your sister-in-law to adopt the same technique with her husband.

There are options for her living situation, customs be d*mned. There is no reason why you have to accept her abuse, Alzheimers or not, and your husband is complicit in that abuse if he refuses to do anything about it.

He can care for his loved one by putting her in Memory Care where they know how to handle this behavior, and using the cultural reasons is a cop-out.
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BurntCaregiver Mar 2023
Keeping his mother in their home is also creating the perfect conditions for elder abuse.
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Annat, in a previous post, you asked why MIL's doctor did not prescribe Seroquel to address her anger and delusions.

Is she getting ANY kind of management of those symptoms?

Does HER doctor know about how abusive she is of you?
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Annat123 Mar 2023
I dont go for the appointments, her own children take her. Due to my constant pressure, husbands sister discussed with the geriatrist. However the geriatrist said she is not that bad enough to be prescribed antipsychotics and they have fall injury side-effects. So the sister who was happy to get such a response, immediately took it in and proclaimed that she can be managed (actually all the daughters and my husband are in denial abt the disease). Since they arent the ones who are suffering it is easy for them to dismiss and not want to treat her with any medication.... MIL takes aricept and mementine but doesnt help much. She doesnt have much sleep in the night..
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First go to your PCP and have a complete checkup with blood work.

Ask for a referral to a psychiatrist for evaluation of your depression and PTSD.

Next, you need to see a lawyer.

Find a divorce attorney and get the paperwork started on a legal separation. Your husband will have to leave with his mother.

Your husband pays for the home you are living in and provides financial support for the children.

He also pays for therapy for you and the children.

Your MIL may have have dementia, but it sounds as though there is mental illness in play as well.
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What is wrong with you is your MIL and husband. This situation is going to have a horrible impact on your children, this family is dysfunctional.

Time to get your priorities straight, your children should be #1, either she goes or you go, taking your children with you.

You are burned out and this will not get better as long as you stay in this toxic enviornment.
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Leave. Your husband isn't supporting you or your children. You are in an abusive relationship and your husband is enabling your MIL to abuse you (and your kids). The long-term impact on your children will be insurmountable as they have seen their mother abused, their father doing nothing and their mother accepting it all.

You won't change your husband, or your MIL so change the situation. At 83 she could live another 10-15 years and the situation won't improve.
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You are probably in a depression. I don't see a psychologist helping because they can not prescribe medication.

I agree, maybe time to leave and take you kids because I agree, they too are suffering. This is not a good home environment. MIL should not be holding all the cards. And, you are not going to be able to leave her alone much longer and guess who will be expected to give up their job to care for her.

I may see a divorce lawyer just to see what ur options are. I took would find a nice apt you can afford. DH will have to pay support. You need to do this for yourself. You don't have to actually divorce but tell DH you will return when MIL is no longer there.
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You are abused and depressed and unable to see the forest thru the trees now! You're exhibiting all the classic signs. Who can blame you? Your husband has chosen to pamper and coddle his demented mother at your expense and at the expense of his children. Shame on him.

Please see your PCP and get a referral to a psychologist or someone who can guide you out of this nightmare you have been living. You and the kids deserve so much more.

I'm so sorry for your valid struggles and pray you'll do something to change the situation. It's not impossible once you get your self esteem back that's been stripped away from you. God bless
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Please leave! Your precious children are at risk. You’re losing your health. I’m sure you don’t want to lose your job. You don’t have to justify your leaving to anyone. Just go and be safe. For your children you must do this.
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You have identified the problem. Your MIL and your husbands lack of support. I don’t think culture is a valid excuse when the behavior is that bad. I would talk to a therapist to talk about leaving with the kids. Take care of yourself.
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Where does she spend the remaining 2 months of the year, if she's 5 months at your house and 5 months at bil's?

What does your sil say? Could the 2 of you confront the brothers together?

What culture is this that allows abuse by elders?
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Annat123 Mar 2023
My husband also has two sisters who do not do regular care. They take her here and there for one week, two week etc., So those two months is allocated to the days they take her. They have explicitly said they wont care.

My co-sister goes to office and hides there from early morning until late evening to escape from MIL. However, her husband is much more supportive to her. There is abuse going on at their house too, but I think the brother has a stronger personality than my husband and doesnt let the abuse escalate. And he doesnt yell at his wife.

Reg culture that allows elders to abuse, the issue is I am letting people run over me because I dont want to create unnecessary confrontation in the house and letting my children suffer. Like Alvadeer said, my life is a sacrifice for my children but I dont know how long I can go on like this.
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Your husband is the problem letting this behavior with his mother go on and then treating you like crap when you cant take it anymore. I would take the kids and leave his a** and file for divorce.

And I dont respect any culture thay allows blatant abuse to happen. His mother may have dementia but I bet she was always a nasty person even before it got worse.

On the plus side you have a job so you arent relying on him for money. Just find a small 2 bedroom place for you and the kids and get out of there.
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There is such a thing as caregiver abuse. There's an article on this site, Elders Who Abuse Their Family Caregivers, which may give you a little insight and direct next steps. It recommends in-home care so you can disengage with MIL. If that's doable in your situation, then please...

As AlvaDeer urged, see your doctor SOON. Your physical and mental health are in danger.
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I think that as you are not our patient and we are not qualified to diagnose you medically it is very unlikely that we can help you, Annat. You say that seeing a psychologist did not help you and you stopped seeing that person. With all you described I think that a few sessions would not be useful. Generally when people leave a psychologist very early it is because they do not want to hear the input offered. They "run away" in a sense.

Your current living conditions sound to me like a prisoner under torture. Nothing less than that.
I cannot imagine anyone living like this and maintaining either physical health or sanity.

I do understand the cultural dictate involved. But you seem to be sacrificing both your own mental and physical health to your MIL I wish you well, but this is beyond human indurance, and your venting it to us cannot help you I fear. Please see your medical doctor and your psychologist and show them a copy of what you have written here to us. The dreadful truth is that living in this manner may kill you. And when you are gone, this old world will just keep spinning without you. You MUST act for yourself.

When I listen to what you have written us I cannot help seeing your own MIL during the time she must have served out her own sentence to a tyrannical MIL. For, as you admit, this is cultural. People once did not live so long as they do now, so perhaps she survived it more easily.
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It’s not you. It’s her.

Joann once said that she’s not above a little threat. It will be more effective if sh delivers it. As in any more swearing or insulting or throwing crying fits means she’s going to a home. Or you will leave.
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