I am so homebound with mom I rarely get out. I did get a nurse for the 23rd to do things with grandkids and daughter/son in law. But at 22.50 an hour that gets steep.
I have lost interest in any hobbies I used to have...stress has given me health problems so I'm tired all the time. I spend most time in bed reading or watching TV and feel like I'm wasting away. I think it is getting to hubby seeing me like this. J
Just want to know if there is anything I can do to "snap" out of it. I did get a "light therapy box" and it helps, but hubby noticed I am forgetting to turn it on.
What do you all do to pass the hours and stay sane. I won't put mom in NH as long as she knows what is going on - it would break her heart.
No relatives to help (although daughters family going to give me a weekend off) my friends have their own issues or are all to much in the social scene they would not consider helping and cramping their style.
Any ideas I'm missing....there are so many of you on this board that are very intuitive.
That's why it is so good to have site like this - so we can be informed and hear what others have done to help themselves and their loved ones. To know we are doing our best and we aren't crazy. To help us overcome our guilt because we can't make our loved ones happy. They have lost too much.
My MIL has just this last year started forgetting her old stories and adding to them. It is worrisome. Yes, it is natural to want to 'correct' them - but it is fruitless and frustrating. So, I leave the room. I know it isn't the solution - but it is better than arguing with someone who isn't capable anymore. She just can't help it. She thinks her memory is just fine. MOST of our older ones aren't trying to drive us crazy. (I realize that some of you are dealing with mean spirited people - but, thankfully, I am not)
Depending on what you did prior to care giving - maybe take a brush up class at the Jr. College near you. Some of them can be taken online. Read a good book - something funny, maybe. TV is a brain killer. Be careful - it is so easy to fall into that pattern. (been there - done that :0). My MIL is very negative too. It comes with losing everything that is important - her health, her husband, her home, her friends, her independence. I understand why she is depressed - but it really doesn't help that much to understand. It is still hard to deal with every day, day after day.
Wintertime is the worst. We are cooped up and can't even get outside. Now that is is in her late 80's - she is so cold all the time. So, even in nicer weather - if it isn't at least 80 degrees outside - she won't even venture out and sit on her swing. At least I can go outside once the weather warms up. My flower garden and pond are my 'refuge' and my 'escape.'
Even if you aren't a gardener - plant some flowers in pots in the Spring. Buy some indoor plants and care for them - learn about them. Maybe ask your parent to help you water them. Most of the time, I have to water them or they will die. She just doesn't have much interest. She enjoys looking at them though. We also have a bird feeder near a window so that she can watch the birds. Everything helps a little bit.
Do what you can and don't neglect yourself. Even if it is just a few minutes for a shower or bath. Listen to some pleasant music. Try to exercise a little. Eat well. Take vitamins. Try to stay connected with friends. It is hard though - they get tired of hearing us complain :0(
Hang in there - we understand. IF ONLY WISHES CAME TRUE. :0)
But push yourself to take are of yourself. Keep your mind active - reading helps that. When I need some 'mindless activity' I play solitaire on the computer. Do nice things for yourself that don't cost a lot. A warm bath with nice bath salts. Listen to music. Go get your hair done once in a while.
And try to get a break. If your mom is housebound - depending on where you live - there are programs where someone will come in for a few hours a week (3 or 4) and give you a break. Here it is called Senior Companions. My MIL REFUSED to allow anyone to come :0( But, one of these days SOON - she will get those visits because I need the break. The social worker even tried to explain this to her - she wouldn't do it. Sometimes we have to do things for US - despite them. Do whatever you can to get a break or you will break.
Praying for all care givers everywhere!
Finding someone to help with mom is next to impossible. Maybe an overnight-er once in a great while. On the other hand - her youngest son has traveled the world! Just got back from Europe (again) He rarely visits her and has NEVER in almost 8 years EVER taken care of his mother or given us a cent towards her care or for respite. OH WELL.
Most of the time we do pretty well. But there are those times when I dream of getting away (running away) - of not having to always think about her needs or worry about her.
More times than I can count I have jumped out of bed with a start in the middle of the night and raced downstairs only to find her sleeping like a baby. I just 'dreamed' I heard her fall or call my name. (we have a baby monitor in our bedroom).
She says 'don't worry about me' - but she doesn't realize that if I didn't and she missed her meds (before I started monitoring them she missed them 2/3 of the time) or failed to eat properly or room piled up - we would be turned in for elder neglect. We didn't realize the responsibility we took on by just saying - 'mom, come live with us.' It is like a giant weight over our heads. I have spent years trying to cheer her up (impossible) to the point that my own health has suffered.
It is like looking at my own future and thinking 'will anyone do this for me?' Do I WANT my kids to have to do this for me? Care giving elicits such extreme emotions. On one hand we feel care, compassion, love - on the other - fear, anger, guilt. So much guilt. Guilt for not doing enough, guilt for wanting a life. Always the guilt.
Mind you, this is not every day :) . This is on his good days. He has dementia, COPD, extreme diabetes, and is on dialysis 3 times per week for End Stage Renal Disease. We have Home Health Care for Physical Therapy once a week for him when he's up to it. But even on the days that I can only wheel him onto the front porch for lunch outside is a help. The sunshine and fresh air is AMAZING for depression. I keep my blinds and curtains open as much as possible, and the windows open for fresh air when the weather is nice enough. We also keep music playing on the radio in the living room constantly. I do not watch television until late evening and try to keep him from watching it either. Television is so bad at making you not want to move. I agree with the earlier statements that movement is crucial. I have a "Walking" DVD that is great. You can walk and exercise right in your own living room and it's really good to fight off depression. We read alot, and I do lots of bible study and listen to Christian or Gospel music - it is very uplifting. We listen to classical late in the day. We have a wonderful church, and many members come by and visit and/or send cards, prayers, and phone calls. Maybe you could contact a local congregation to get involved with you and your family. My dad has construction paper pictures and coloring book pages plastered all over his bedroom walls from the children who make pictures and cards for him. He reads them and laughs out loud! And it makes my day, too :)
I must say that it is very taxing on mine and my husband's relationship at times, as well. But I'm very blessed that he is so understanding and helpful. He is letting me take a weekend off in February and keeping my dad for me so I can go visit one of my daughters and my two grandchildren. I haven't even seen their new house, and they've lived there for a year and a half, so I DO know what you're talking about.
I know that's probably not a lot of help, but it's what keeps us going. I've been caring for my father full-time for 5-1/2 years, and I had my step-mom in addition to my father until she passed on from cancer in 2007. If you'd like to contact me, we could keep in touch via email or through this site. Just give me a shout! My name is June and I live in Justin, Texas :)
Counting on other family members is a waste of energy. We have to figure this out ourselves and figure out a way to cope.
I bought a Wii unit with an exercise board and have ordered the ABBA You Can Dance Game and can hardly wait for it to come. How can you not smile while dancing along with ABBA? (my personal opinion, of course :0)
Reading is a good escape - but we also need to MOVE or we will rot in our socks. Take care of yourself first or you sure can't help someone else. Hang in there!!!
I have found that reading really helps. Whether it's escapist novels or "useful" stuff about caring for the elderly, it helps to get my mind off things. It has also helped me to have two four hour periods a week where I am not on deck...where my mind can quit listening for is he okay, what might he need. SO it's good your daughters can spell you some, and that you know of a service, even at $22/hr, that can do that.
ALso...you probably ARE tired. Instead of being mad at yourself for wanting to sleep, try just sleeping, no judgment. It's exhausting, on all levels.
Finally -- and this will sound like hocus pocus but whatever...it works... try saying to yourself: "No one can use someone else's energy. I can't help my (Mom) by giving her mine. She can't be helped by me taking on her energy. (NOW TAKE A DEEP BREATH) I gently give back all her energy I have taken on, and take back my energy from her, and restore us both to our rightful selves, right now." I think you'll be surprised by the wooosh of energy you feel come back into your own body.
You AREN'T alone. everything you are feeling is normal. Part of what's hard about this journey is we all think there is something wrong with us, something we aren't doing "right" or "enough," etc. It's not true. We are doing the best we can. Sending love and light....