My Dad had two glioblastoma tumors removed in April. Long story short, he is fading now. He's home and on hospice. He has never addressed the fact that he is dying and has asked me twice now, in recent weeks, when is he going to be better? I don't know how to answer him.
I've danced around the issue a couple of times, in that I've asked him about the afterlife and does he believe there is one. But I've not asked him directly if he knows he's dying and not sure I should. He hallucinates a lot now and I am worried that if he hasn't addressed the fact that he is dying himself, that my questions will be unnecessarily upsetting to him.
Do I just humor him? I can say, "Soon, Dad," without lying. What have others done in this situation?
Other than that if asked "We're all doing everything we can. If the Dr said
that you wouldn't get better (rather than using words he might not want to face),
is there anyone you'd like to see? Talk to? Is there anything special you'd like to do?"
I'd suggest that if physical contact is possible, in a lucid time hold his hand and say something along the lines of
"Do you remember that clock (sure you can come up with one) that we used to
wind up every day/week? (don't worry if no answer keep going) Over time the mechanism starts to wear and bit by bit each time it's wound up it runs down that bit sooner until finally no amount of winding can make it work.
Well, in some ways Dad, we're all like that clock. We keep getting rewound, but there comes a time for all of us when we just stop ticking. Know one knows the when, but we are all here loving you and we will go on doing just that."
Sounds to me like your father would not want to know... I wouldn't tell him he wasn't going to get better when asked. You could just say... I don't know dad..but I do know that everyone is doing all they can to help..that they only want the best for you. Then in a humorous voice tell him to "Keep in mind that eventually none of us get out of this world alive, and that includes you and me, so whatever will be will be".. Maybe that will help him talk about death if he wants to, but if not, then I'd let it go.
So in general, I'm just being uncertain. Thank you all for your words of advice and your hugs!
If I Google "Signs of Death", I get a list of 10 signs that all match my Dad. As is the case, I'm sure, with others, he's had some of these symptoms for some time. He has lost a great deal of weight, is very frail and moving is now painful. He has to take pain medication before he can be moved to change his Depends (incontinence was off and on but is now a constant), he's barely eaten for some time, drinks little, stops breathing for up to 50 seconds at a time. He is awake for awhile in the mornings but sleeps most of the day. He's awake sometimes at night.
I think if he wanted to face that he is dying, he would ask you that directly. So, if later on he does, tell him the truth.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
You can give him support and love and even go with him. I realize that keeping things from dementia patients is sometimes advisable, because they are not able to process it and they forget and you would have to tell them over and over again, but if he is competent, I would have a difficult time not letting him know what the doctor says about his condition.
As for your questions, I was trying to be brief because there are so many issues with my Dad, most of them mental and social. He is 75 and his health was pretty much fine before the tumors presented themselves. No, there was/is no dementia or anything like that.
One of my sad revelations is that my Dad isn't a fighter. Initially, he said he wanted to live, but then did nothing to lengthen his life. Getting him to appointments took hours of cajoling, bribery, fighting. Getting him out of bed and moving resulted in combative behavior. One might think that this was all a result of brain surgery, but in fact, Dad's always been like this. When faced with a difficult situation, my Dad cooks dinner and sits and watches TV. To the doctors he was mentally competent, so he had a right to refuse care. So, if he didn't want to get up, he didn't. If he didn't want to eat, he didn't. Now, he can't do either.
So, like I said, Dad's fading. Not sure how long he has since I am convinced that his current condition isn't just a resurgence of the tumors, but because of his own stubborn behavior. Yes, hospice is involved at this point...finally (a whole other story).
But because of how he has lived his life, has chosen to live (or not) since he's been home, his refusal (real or implied) to discuss dying, I'm just not sure what to say when he asks, "When am I going to get better?"
You don't say how old your father is or if he has any other health concerns or previous dementia, so it's hard to be specific. What has the doctor told him, what was his original prognosis? If he has been fighting for a cure has he been specifically told that the treatment has failed? Hospice should be offering you some guidance in this.