My dad lost my mom one year ago and expects me to fill her shoes. How can I get relief?

Thank you Blannie, I have felt terribly alone thru all this and thank you all for caring and giving me much needed advice. My love to all of you and God's blessings !

Gress, assisting someone with balance and mobility problems could very well injure you. You need to stay healthy and strong so you can take care of yourself and your husband in the future. As we and our loved ones age, the choices are not always great ones but they are what they are. I've been where you are - my mom's care is handled at NH and I care for my husband.

As you well know, with ongoing illnesses like MS, quality of life and doing normal things whenever you can is so important for one's spirit. Grab time with your husband to enjoy life as you can.

You have received many loving and thoughtful suggestions already.
I will add that veterans are eligible for special help. There are retirement homes for veterans.
The quality of nursing homes varies from one to another. People who "will never put my parents in one of those horrible places" have not seen the facility where my father-in-law resides. His wife nearly killed herself trying to take care of him at home, with daily help from their kids. Finally, when she had to be hospitalized, she agreed to have him in the NH until she got better.
Long story short, he's getting wonderful care, better than he had at home; he's healthier and happier, and she has no plan to move him back home.
The NH he's in is a pleasant place with activities, socialization, and young, able, professional caregivers who get him in and out of bed, get him dressed, encourage him to have good experiences- -all important aspects that he didn't get at home even when the family did everything they could. He is thriving.
Look into homes now for your dad. Look at their Medicare ratings if you want, but don't rely on that alone. Visit. Talk to residents and their families. Watch how long a call light stays on before there's a response. Sniff the air. Observe how the employees interact with residents and each other. Watch a meal being served in the dining room. You don't have to be intrusive of anyone's privacy. You can see all this in the public areas.
The place where my FIL is also offers adult day care.
Explain to your dad that you don't want him to be lonely when you can't be there, which is going to be oftener, since you have to take care of your husband, just like Dad's wife did. Suggest that he might prefer going out to be "babysat" rather than being alone at home, and that you will arrange it. If he says he'd rather stay home alone, then that's his choice; but then he has no right to guilt you into staying there.
If you find a place where he has a good time and gets to interact with some peers, he will be better off, and so will you.
My sister-in-law transitioned her mom from day care at the facility to overnights to full-time residency as her needs warranted it; and it made the move smoother, since she was already enjoying her time there.
One warning: We sneak in and watch Dad interacting with the other residents and aides sometimes when he doesn't expect or even see us. We see that he is having a good time and being well-cared for. So, when he sometimes tells Mom that he wants to go home, she feels comfortable telling him that he is better off there now, because they take better care of him.

It's a great idea to just have the VA come in more often. This way you won't be so overstretched yet know Dad's needs are met as well. 40% is a big percent. Sure hope I don't end up in that category, but the stress is quite overwhelming. My mom has lung disease, and keeps falling which makes me a nervous wreck. This year alone she has fell six times, at least. I have no outside services, but may get that in place here soon. I need some help. I get why you don't want to put dad in NH. With extra services he should not have to, for a while. However, at some point it may be necessary for his safety, and your sanity. If my mom keeps falling I may be forced to make that gutwrenching decision as well. This isn't a duty for the faint hearted! That is for sure! We are doing our very best, but we have to remember and be reminded to care for ourselves and our own families as well. Sounds like your mom knew the challenge of taking care of dad and knew it would be too much for you especially caring for husband. Mom told you at some point it would need to happen, and really you would be honoring her wishes for his care, in a sense. Take care and advice. None of us want to become that 40% if we can prevent it! We must take actions to help our parents and ourselves! Best wishes:)

If Dad is not able to prepare meals for himself look into the Meals on Wheels program. If he cannot be left alone all day check into a Supportive Day program for at least a couple days a week. They may even be able to arrange transportation for him. What’s going on at his local Council on Aging? Maybe there is a program that he would enjoy.
When you cook your evening meal make Dad a plate and drop it off the next day for him to heat up in the microwave. Let the aide from the VA handle the light cleaning and laundry. Arrange his appointments around your schedule. Start looking for an Assisted Living for him, one with a meal plan.

I'm basically in the same situation. My mom died last year. She did everything for my dad. He's 83. At first he insisted on still living at the house claiming he could take care of himself. But he would call my husband and I for everything. After 8 months, a trip to the hospital for my dad and lots of fights he finally saw that he shouldn't be at the house alone. He sold it and moved into assisted living. Took the burden off my husband and I. We still get the guilt trip of coming to see him but I have to stand my ground because I'm a two-year breast cancer survivor, I also have high blood pressure and my husband has his own health issues. Plus we both work fulltime

If I were you I would just go anyway. It might even help to wait until he's asleep, in the bathroom, maybe even the shower or busy doing something nearby and just go. Turn off your phone and just reserve that one for his calls but only answer the ones that are urgent. I would keep my other contacts in another phone and when you're away from your dad, switch off that particular phone and let it go to voicemail. If he's not demented, I would encourage him to hire in home health care. You might also have the APS do a wellness check or get involved with whatever he needs and also alert the aging services in his area

Gress--

Your dad will "use you" as long as you give him permission to do so. I know that the generation of "dinosaurs" the men who expect the wifey to do all the things is dying out. In fact, my hubby may well be the very last of them. And thank goodness!! If I go before he does, he'd starve. Well, not starve, but he wouldn't get out of bed, that's for sure. I left him home for 10 days when I went to babysit some grandkids. Came home and there were 10 bowls, spoons and glasses in the sink. A messy bed and clothes all over the floor. Fast food containers packing the garbage. Wet towels on the floor. Dead lawn. Mostly dead veggie garden. I asked him what he'd been DOING for the past 10 days and he said "Mostly sleeping. I couldn't go to work 2 of the days because I couldn't find my belt." Honestly.

Your dad has been shown more than his "need" for your support and love. Who supported you in your grieving? Probably not dad.

He qualifies for a LOT of outside help. It does not have to be YOU, in fact, probably better than it NOT be you. Try to facilitate 3-4 times a week in home care. Cut back your time with him as much as you possibly can. It will be hard and he will say things that hurt you--that's a defense mechanism.

As far as going to the local Sr. Center, hey, if this is appealing to him at ALL--the ratio of men to women is like 1-10. The men at my mother's Sr center practically knock themselves silly trying to get next to one of these gents. Maybe that alone would appeal. Mother does Bingo there, but they have a lot of other activities, and many are service projects. Check with the one your dad would attend. Mother doesn't enjoy the service projects, but the men seem to. Also, lunch is served so we don't have to worry about mother trying to cook a meal.

At age 64 (I'm 61) we just aren't capable of running 2 homes and keeping ourselves healthy too. I go mother in and out of my car and pulled a muscle deep in my upper back that was spasmed for months.

Be firm with dad, but relentless. He truly has no idea he's being this way. Changing his mindset will be very hard--hang in there--and get some breaks from him!!

My dad was waited on hand and foot and he expected the same from me and my sister after his wife passed. At first we took turns and then after a year it became a burden to entertain him as well, all the time. It was difficult. One day I sat him down and I told him firmly that much as we love him, we cannot do this all the time anymore. He wanted to be out with us all the time. I told him that we would take him out in turns once or twice a week. Guilt is a form of manipulation and if he gets what he needs and is comfortable, it should suffice. He has had his life and is very lucky to have you taking such good care of him, but you must take care of you too, or you will run out of steam. Good luck.

Definitely some good observations and advice (enabling and cutting back!) You say he is eligible for more in home VA services - schedule them and perhaps initially you can be there when they arrive, but once they get involved, exit the scene! If need be, pretend they are friends coming to help you and then find excuse to run out (and go home!)

Although he won't go to the day care places (mom tried that with dad but his complaint was that a lot of them were really 'out of it'), you could inquire with the Senior Center to see if they have a "senior helping seniors" program. This is more for companionship than anything, but if they can match him up with someone who is compatible, they can "fill in" for you...
Meals on Wheels is another inexpensive option for a meal. Our mom refused any consideration, but based that on what her brother and his wife received. It is from a different place mom, and better - nope. She was finally down to eating cereal (that was the usual anyway) for breakfast and microwave dinners (too often mac 'n cheese) for other meals, with packaged items to fill in (graham crackers, fruit cocktail in the little cups) Certainly not good healthy meals! You could get him to at least try this (I think in our area it is lunch) and see how it goes. Like the additional aides, be there when it arrives and see how it goes.

If he accepts any (hopefully all) the positive suggestions everyone has made, great! You can still have that chat with him and explain how much you have to do taking care of spouse and your own place, and remind him that you are no spring chicken (oh, who wants to admit that!!)

If he will not accept all this, then the ultimatum comes to his plate. Dad, either we use the FREE help we get or you get to go where someone younger and more capable takes care of you. Have HIM make the decision (if he is not suffering from dementia).

As for NH and AL - they are not all created equal, and those "ratings" are to be taken with a grain of salt. You need to personally check out many places (nursing homes, from what I have read, are the worst - understaffed, overworked and low quality - read cheap - help). Find ones that do not "close" at any time of the day so that you can pop in periodically, at different times of the day, to see how things appear to your own eyes. Really nursing homes are more geared for people who are really dependent, physically and probably mentally as well. I would check out assisted living places. You still have independence, it is NOT like a day care/babysitting place, but also get help with things you cannot do (cooking, cleaning, etc).

Once you scope out several places, revisit them with him and see if there is any one he prefers or likes (will probably not like, but having that chat with him first, stating you either take more help at home from others or you will have to move!). Some will offer a "respite" which could allow him to stay for a week or two and see how it goes.

If he does accept the move, and since he is still competent this should be done anyway, you should get him to an Elder Care atty to set up all the goodies - DPOA, medical wishes, and if there are assets (house and funds), set up a trust. The cost is not cheap for good AL, but if he owns the house or has enough assets, it will be worth it. The house can eventually be sold to provide more trust fund assets to cover the AL.

An aside to everyone - you should ALL consider getting your own affairs in line NOW while you ARE competent! I keep meaning to do this and WILL eventually when things settle down and I have the funds - DPOA, trust set up, including property... We did it initially for when dad was ailing, but just barely squeaked through in redoing it all when mom was headed down memory lane... It has been a god-send for us!

Please, do not put nursing homes down. ALs are restricted in care so the next step would be a nursing facility. My Mom is in a nice one. The people are clean and fed. No smells. Staff is friendly and helpful. They try to keep the residents entertained. I visit regularly. I don't see the turnover there that I saw at the AL. Which was 3 RNs, one LPN and CNAs coming and going and two directors. Think thats a lot in 8 months.

You are in charge of your guilt. He can say anything, but it does not make him right. Own your own truth. For a year you have sacrificed and put him first. You are an exceptionally giving, committed daughter. If he acts like you were gone too long that is about him (and probably being lonely, concerned), that is not about you. So treat it that way. Say "Dad I was gone just long enough to do the errands, what concerned you about the length of time I was gone?" Help him think through why he is acting this way. Separate yourself from it emotionally, you have no reason for feeling guilty, this is his issue.

Your husband needs you. Tell Dad that you can not go on keeping two houses so you are having someone come in to help you. She will do light cleaning, help with meals and do things that he wants, whether that be cleaning, errands, a chat or a game of dominoes. Then arrange for a caregiver to come in three or four times a week for half a day or all day, whatever is appropriate for your needs. This is not about him needing help, but about you needing help and tell him that.

Your time with your husband is limited and it sounds like he has been supportive of you doing this for a year, but it is time he get more of his wife in his life...it is the correct order of things. It is the way your father had things with his wife.

Decide on a schedule, be there each evening at 5:00 for dinner and some days during the day? Think about what amount of time will give you the relief you need. I may have missed it, but do you have siblings who could come stay with him for a few days or a week and give you some consecutive days off to recover a bit? The new schedule of increased caregivers could start then.

Also, you need caregivers to teach you proper ways to lift a person out of a chair etc. there are ways that make it easier or harder. When you hire caregivers be very specific regarding what you are looking for; experienced as a hired caregiver (not that they just cared for a family member), experience with the specific challenges your father has (limited mobility etc), have received formalized training, that you will have the same caregiver each day (that way they become familiar with your fathers needs and how best to work with him and he becomes confident in them). Be specific so you can ensure a smooth transition and success. The first day or two you will need to be there while the caregiver is there to assess how things are going. Remember, she may do things differently but as long as your Dad's needs are met that is the priority. Your Dad will need to pay for this care if it exceeds what the VAis willing to provide.

You have been a dedicated daughter, but you are another mans wife. It is time to create a better balance in your life. You are not expecting anything unreasonable. It is time to create a better balance for you all. Once my mother adjusted to her caregiver, I would return home and find she seemed happier and more upbeat with the caregiver than with me. Your dad may find that he likes socializing with someone else for a change.

You've been given so much good advice. Just a bit more here:
Check into Memory Care (if he can qualify thru some dementia, but can't qualify for AL). Often cheaper than a SNF but better staff/patient ratio and more care than AL. Dad has a private spacious room and bath, his own furniture, and they handle his meds, all meals, laundry, and activities. (He's 10 yrs into PD and wheelchair bound.) Also, look into VA foster homes. In my city they're around $3k/month. It's a private residence housing a handful of vets with a sort of 'house mother' and supporting staff. So very much like living at home, tho he may have to share a bedroom.

In your talk w dad ask him how he would have liked it if his wife (at your age) would leave him all day to be w her widowed father? So tell him you pledged to your hubby to leave your father & mother to care for your husband in sickness (which is where your hubby is now) & you must stand by your pledge so you will be getting more time for a companion to be w him. Remind him you love him & love your hubby & my first responsibility is my husband. Just like mom was for you.

Dear AgingMySelf... I will make those suggestions to my Dad and hope he listens. Thank you !

Dear Gressecj,

I just want to add my support. I know you are doing the best you can and its certainly not easy. Glad you are looking at options for your dad. There is a heavy load on you with your dad and husband. I can understand your dad is afraid to be alone. He probably doesn't realize how he comes across. In my case, I didn't realize my dad was suffering from vascular dementia and this was affecting this judgement and causing his short temper.

Disgustedtoo, I love that you said, "Exit the scene " ! All too often I hang around his house longer than necessary just to be sure everything's ok. Well, I need to draw the line and admit to myself ... It will never be "All's Ok" because Mother is gone and the reality of her death is that there will be times he will be lonely. So far he shows no interest in Adult Day Care facilities and said, "That's were ya go to be babysat" Maybe he would consider Seniors helping Seniors tho. Thank you for mentioning. I've never heard of that before. Not sure how to go about it all but you did say "Senior Centers" so I'll just look in the phone book, I guess.

Meals on Wheels is a great suggestion but I'm sure he wouldn't eat them, My Mother was a excellent cook and he's picky. He can tell the difference between instant and homemade mashed potatoes in a New York min. He's a real old fashioned farm boy and likes "country" food. I even planted lettuce, green onions and tomatoes for him. It about killed me but I did it.

I do think I need to give him some ultimatums tho. Just tonight I came home and my husbands MS has lifted its ugly head. He was back on his walker and had to take medication for the stabbing pain in his jaw.

Dad has a elder attorney and so far she is doing a good job. Not that he has much money. And I agree regardless it is very good advice to get your affairs in order way ahead of time.

Thank you for all the good advice. I and I'm sure everyone else here does too.

Exhausted and going to try to sleep... It doesn't come easy these days. Hugs

Dear, Wittm1, you are in charge of your own guilt ! I never thought of that. I am going to repeat and repeat that to myself. Maybe, hopefully it sinks in. You made tears run down my face just by telling me, "I'm a exceptional giving, committed Daughter" I know I try soooooo hard !!! Thank you for saying that to me !!! I don't think Dad really knows what all I do for him. After giving him lunch today, feeding and taking care of his dog, doing laundry, going to the store for him, watering his vegetable garden and making him a steak dinner (even cutting it up for him and taking it to him) ect. ect. ect. Typical day ... No real thank you. He accidentally spilled his meds. I straightened them all up. Then he still forgets the bedtime pills. So, When I hear him in the bathroom and know he is at least awake enough hand them to him one by one with a glass of water. Take the dog out one more time. Get home at 9:30 pm. Your kind words fill my eyes again with tears. I'm too tired to think right now about anything more ! But thank you again

Dear CDNReader, Thank you for your support, as well and you know... I'm starting to think my Dad has some dementia or something going on. I don't know and how do you tell for sure ???

Dear MLface, I am going to at least tell Dad my husband has been sick lately which is true and that I need to spend a little more time with him. Thank you, for your answer. I appreciate you ! :)

Guess, you're caregiving two people, plus trying to keep yourself healthy. You need to pace yourself...caregiving is a marathon, not a sprint.

Linda22, You are so right. Once again, Tears fill my eyes. I've already done a year and a half marathon. How much longer will it take ?!? This will be the worse thing I've ever said but I wish at times God would just take him.

I find that caring for a spouse with health issues is so different than caring for a parent. Emotionally different and certainly in terms of lifestyle, as you are both living with the illness. You're right there when they can't sleep, or the muscles rebel. And you're the one taking up the slack on all those life things, like the garage door not closing right. And it hurts your heart to see this strong person ill or struggling. You just have to grab those times with your DH to savor bits of life, even if it's going out for ice cream. Your dad will have to adapt to the new plan.

JoAnn29:
Although my comment WAS much more explicitly disparaging for the NH facilities, I did stress that ALL facilities need to be checked, and that one should not base a decision on a rating system. In addition to various articles about nursing homes, mom put our dad in one that really bit the big one. Limited response to requests, dad was left in his bed in his room all day, eventually (not long) they started doping him up to keep him quiet. What he really needed was AL. After that both brothers said NO WAY to nursing home for mom, and she does not need one yet.

In their (NH) defense, they often must take in Medicaid patients and that likely reduces their income. The problem is that it is not inexpensive to hire good qualified people. Then there is the issue that their investors want maximum benefit (private facility - state/gov facility? eek. Maybe some okay, maybe not) My brother checked into an AL place in NC, and was ticked saying it's only 3k here, what are they doing up there for 8k? I looked into it - 3k was JUST for the room. Tack on all services - cleaning, meals, lights, water, heat, air, it adds up! It was more or less ala carte, and would end up costing about as much. But then I also checked on a website where the client and/or friends/relatives posted comments and another where employees posted comments - no way is mom going there! When the employees bash the place, including saying what I did above - low pay and cutting corners to maximize profits, you KNOW you don't want to go there!

Another issue is that there really was a country-wide dearth of care facilities when this dementia tsunami hit and there were few choices. So there always WERE nice NH out there (not enough) and probably are more common now, just as there are crappy ALs.

We checked three ALs that were in the area two of us are closer to: one was new, just about to open, but some things things were just off a bit (highest price, despite having two bedrooms with a shared bath, no doors between them, hence limited privacy, and if you don't get the first choice of rooms, you could have a view of parking lot and busy, busy 4 lane roadway!) Another was older and we didn't care for the layout or what we were seeing. It seemed a little cramped in the common area, which would be exacerbated by using walkers. It was also second floor, making going outside to a safe outdoor area, or worse, emergency exits, difficult. The one we ended up choosing had been completely torn down and rebuilt, opening just in the nick of time! Their history and endowments go way back, and they are non-profit. In addition to being a home for elderly, then now offer IL, AL and MC, which also helps to offset the costs some. No complaints yet...

Yes, AL do not provide extensive nursing services, but for memory and mobility issues, so long as you do as I suggested when checking out the places, ALL places *CAN* be very nice or can be sketchy. Until one is really bed-ridden, needing extensive nursing, AL (which can include Memory Care, and some NH DO now have MC units) would provide a little more independence with services. Our mom is still mobile, no walker or cane, but lost enough memory and sense that she could not stay alone.

Whatever living accommodations are chosen, due diligence in checking them out is key. In this gentleman's case he does not seem to really need a NH at this time. However, I neglected to mention checking on VA places as well. If his funds are limited, this may be more affordable, but they can be good and bad as well!

Gressecj:
Many of the tasks you mentioned, such as "Cook his meals, pay his bills, take him to appointments, sort his medicine, do his laundry", really should not take long.
*Bill paying, if you have account access/DPOA, you can set up bill payer and maybe
once or twice/month schedule payments (he likely does not have much at this
point). Even better, you could do this from home. Just pick up his bills when you
are there. Once the initial setup is done, it is a snap, you do not need envelopes,
stamps or running to the PO!
*Appointments - that is probably best left as a task for you. Does he have that many?
*Sorting medicine - do you use a pill dispenser? We set one up, and unless
medications need to be taken at different times of the day, one fill up lasts a month
(2 weeks if 2x needed/day). Again, this would take minutes to set up, depending on
the schedule once/week - once/month.
*Laundry - most likely once/week. This I would delegate to someone you hire. Sorry
dad, I cannot do yours and ours anymore - it hurts!

This "spend every minute entertaining him" is where the time consumption appears to be. I really do not know if all places have those "Seniors for Seniors" programs, but check with Senior Center, possibly church if any of you belong to one. Maybe other people here on this forum have suggestions. It would be great if you could find someone who just wants companionship too, who gets along with dad (be sneaky, visit a few times WITH the person/"friend" of yours, until they hit it off!)

Here too you acknowledge "All too often I hang around his house longer than necessary just to be sure everything's ok." Sounds like a little bit of demanding from dad and a little bit of acquiencense from "cj" ;-) For some people being alone can become an issue. Getting out and staying active helps, AND it helps ward off (so they think!) dementia, at least delay it (if it is in your genes, you can only delay!) Does the Senior Center have any functions/programs (NOT day care) that might interest him? Many offer classes or groups who share interest in hobbies or other activities. Can you either bring him to your home or bring your husband along for some of these 'visits'? If dad and hubby do not get along, then never mind that idea. If they do get along, perhaps you can entertain both together! Maybe those visits would also enlighten him to how overwhelmed you would be after helping him all day... Do either enjoy watching sports? That can be done together and free you up. Or play board games together? A joint meal once a week or so would be another way to reduce wearing yourself down.

You mention again no interest in Adult Day Care facilities - I have seen pamphlets for them and the seniors all seem happy and active, but from dad's experience, those who really are no longer with it were there (sitting in wheelchairs, mostly unresponsive, so yes, babysitting). I would not recommend those, since I kind of agree with your dad - they ARE like babysitting for adults. Like NH/AL/MC you would really have to check them out and ensure you get a better mix of people in the care, but I think finding senior programs would better, if he might be interested. Again, not babysitting, but an activity that one might be interested in and could free up an hour or so of your time.

"Meals on Wheels is a great suggestion but I'm sure he wouldn't eat them" - this is where a trial period should be set up. I wanted to go ahead with it (we were not locked into any time frame, but they wanted HER to agree and I was not up to arguing with her about it, pigheaded she is). Your dad sounds a little more with it. The meals were really inexpensive ($2 and sometimes income based the fee is waived), and I suspect much better than she thought (a lot depends on who is making/providing the meals). In her case, and I tried that argument once, the meals were made/provided by the SAME people who periodically provided free or cheap meals at the Senior Center functions, and all the little ladies EAGERLY went with bells on!!! Same food mom, they just deliver to your door. Nope. Just because her brother and his wife got crappy meals. Again, depends on who makes the food, but in her case I do believe it was NOT boxed potatoes, etc, but real meals cooked up fresh.

The final suggestion is about making meals for him - depending on what you are making for the main meal, some meals can be frozen and used later. I have done this often for myself - make enough for the whole family (who are not here) and freeze the left over. Some meals this won't work for everything, but some items can be frozen and the "fixings" can be made fresh as needed and quicker/easier with less clean up! For instance: lasagna, cut into meal sizes before freezing and later make a fresh salad & bread to go with it, chicken parmesan, and cook up noodles or potatoes and some veggies or a salad at meal time, chili (make a salad), ham freezes really well and can be mix/matched with items later, regular roast chicken (rice can be frozen, potatoes probably better freshly cooked). It really doesn't take any longer to cook up more and freeze some for later, but it saves time later... time saved for not having to cook and clean up EVERY meal EVERY day is time you can spend with dad or hubby! There are MANY foods that can easily be frozen after cooking - they even have fix 'n freeze cookbooks - but depends on what you two and dad prefer to eat.

I would also ask dad to at least TRY the MOW at lunch time for a few days and see how that goes (be there when it arrives so that you can assess it yourself and prep something else if he really balks at it.) Can he do breakfast himself? If not what does he eat? Do you have to cook up eggs, etc every day? Bowl of cereal? Muffins? Argument you can use, IF he can manage these himself - the less time I am cooking, the more I can spend with you! Can the people you hire do easy breakfast say twice/week and then do cleaning one day and laundry the other? That at least frees up most of two days (bring him to dinner or bring dinner to him). If you must make breakfast, what would typical lunch be? If a sandwich, you could make it while he eats breakfast and wrap it up, add some cut up veggies like carrots or celery, or chips and leave that in fridge.

What do you both do together for those visits (besides cooking, cleaning, slave labor ;-)?) Does he enjoy reading? Movies? Games or puzzles (word search, crossword, putting puzzles together)? Making anything (obviously small crafts)?

OOps - gotta run!! my dependents are calling =^..^= !!!

Don't ever accuse someone else of "making me feel guilty." No one can MAKE you feel guilty - you are making YOURSELF feel guilty. Get over it!! And do what has to be done.

First of all, let me say how sorry I am for the loss of your mother. It will soon be the 5 year anniversary of my mom's homegoing, and it's been just a little over a year since my dad passed away, so I do feel your pain and your struggle. You cannot replace your mom, and your dad needs to understand this. She was a special person in your life, your dad's life, and probably many others' lives, too. Your dad will have to face his own loss in his own way and it will be difficult. I agree with a number of the commentors that encourage you to care for your husband and to find others to help care for your dad. No one person can do all that you're attempting to do. I also agree that boundaries have to be set and that we can easily enable our loved one to "need us" more than they really do. Please look into finding local assistance. I think this website is a good place to start, but your dad's physician(s) should also be able to assist you (if they can't or won't, then you may need to find other physicians for him). Google your local area for elder care options and that should provide more resources.

Going through these difficult days are tough. I could not have done it without the support of my own family, friends, and personal faith. Thankfully, my dad (who had cancer) knew I had a family of my own to care for and usually did not press me for more than I could give. He also was cared for by amazing people so that freed me to care for my teenagers, husband, and myself.

You are being manipulated. Elderly parents can become very selfish. They can also be very cunning. But....you are the one allowing this to happen. Your mother was right....put him in a facility where he can interact with his peers, have his meals served to him, have his laundry done, get assistance with personal care and have his room cleaned. This is not your job. You are entitled to have a life. Talking to a counselor with help you rid the guilt and get on track.

Ok dad, before mom died she gave me instructions. She loved you & knew you better than anyone else. Her instructions were for your best interest & rest of the family knowing your needs will be cared for. I feel now & realize mom knew more than I do. I know now I cannot care for more than my husband & have a happy marriage. Mom gave me these instructions because she loved us & knew what was best so I now in honor of her wishes will follow her instructions.

First off, to get the best answers you would have to provide more information. What health concerns or disabilities does he have that need to be accounted for? Can he still drive? Can he walk ok? Does he go to church or have friends that can help ease a burden by taking him out to eat?

Most bills can be set up on auto pay these days. That's what I've done for my dad. I also took the time to teach him how to sit down and pay his basic bills. I had all EOB's from Medicare put on electronic delivery to reduce the mail he gets. If your dad doesn't have an email address, set him up one so that you can use technology to reduce your workload. Many medicines can be mail ordered online these days, reducing any necessary trips to the pharmacy. Call his prescription drug insurance company to find out about their mail order option. Many have an app that can be downloaded to your smart phone as well so you can see when he's running out and it's time to reorder.

Check into meals on wheels (friendship trays) to arrange a few delivered meals a week. Sometimes churches also do food delivery. Some grocery stores are starting to deliver groceries as well.

Approach his care more like a case manager would and you will save yourself a ton of work and stress. They certainly wouldn't even attempt to do everything themselves and neither should you.

Housekeeping and grass cutting help can be hired in. Ask around to see if you can hire someone to come in and help 2 or 3 days a week for medical appointments, companionship, laundry, and light housekeeping. This is considered companion care more than using someone like a CNA and is much cheaper. Care.com might be a good place to start. If he doesn't need actual medical assistance, that's where I would start. A family member hired a lady from his church to help with his 90 year old mom for 3 days a week, 4 hours per day at $10 per hour. It was a wonderful situation for all involved. She did light grocery shopping, fixed simple meals, light housekeeping, and accompanied her to some doctor's appointments, in addition to social time. A nephew happily cut the grass weekly for extra pocket money.

You can still come by to address more difficult needs such as loading his weekly pill container (you are using one of those right?) or dealing with complicated paperwork, or simply cooking a nice meal and spending time with him. You need to work smarter, not harder. :-)

I did what you are doing for about a year too until I just couldn't do it any more. Then I wised up and found alternative solutions like this. That was 6 years ago and we're all still going strong. Dad has adjusted just fine and we're all pretty happy with the current set up.