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Tired1of4 - I know you've been disappointed by some of the responses you've received from other posters here, but please don't paint the whole community with one brush. There are a lot of different types of people here, with many different points of view. You're bound to get a lot of responses from people who can't see your point of view at all. I know I always do, and I express some pretty unpopular or unconventional opinions. Not every response is going to be helpful to your situation. That doesn't mean the forum has an overriding mentality or point of view. I've been here a long time, and believe me, it doesn't!

A lot of people seem to "push" the idea of therapy because it's something that has worked for them. I'm one of those people. Caregiving is extremely emotionally stressful, especially for those of us in difficult, strained, unhappy family situations. Therapy can help you find ways of coping with the stress. I know.

For the most part, people are trying to help the best they know how. Unfortunately, what helps them and what helps you may be totally different things. What I do is that I try to home in on the responses from people who seem to understand and relate to what I'm saying, and brush aside the rest. That allows me to take some value and comfort from the discussion without getting too upset about people whose responses seem totally off the mark (for me, but they might be perfect for someone else).

I hope you'll stay and find some value in this community.
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Tired I want to say that I did not mean to upset you. I wanted to respond about the actual topic at hand but got sidetracked by how the thread sort of disintegrated into an argument.

I understand dealing with deadbeat siblings very well. I've given numerous examples on other threads about how I was left to handle some very delicate situations by myself. By the way I have 5 siblings. Three of which live nearby and are healthy and had no valid excuses for not contributing.

The biggest kick in the gut of all was how I was left to decide whether we should stop all life saving measures and have comfort care only. Can you imagine how I felt having to make that decision on my own knowing full well that everyone else in my family chose to sleep in that day. When I brought that up at a family lunch my sister said "well, you could have reached out" Excuse me? You all knew where Mom was at. I don't think I needed to reach out. They knew just as well as me where it all was going.

Anyhow, Tired sorry if I turned you off of AC. That was not my intention. I basically just wanted you to know that everyone on here has their own point of view and if you do not agree with someone on here just let it go and move on to the next one who maybe does agree with you.
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Well my dear brother is a dumb azz...he calls me up once in a a blue moon to give me dumb suggestions, won't send me money because he as his own life ...but has the nerve to,give me medical,info ( I'm a RN with a Masters degree and a Clinical Supervisor) and the lectures me on nonsense ...then hangs up ..I then swear underbreath and move on ...he is useless and I'm the boss in charge of my mom and dads care ..so what he says is ridiculous and makes no difference in my life ...so I say thank you and good bye then cuss undermy breath and move on with my day ,,,,
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Tired 1 of 4! Thank you for seeing that my intentions are for good. You Rock baby! I love your honesty! If we can’t be honest about what’s really going on in this caring business then we are all most miserable! I am not in agreement with a few things you said but I respect your honesty. With that thought in mind I will ALWAYS be honest with you! From this day forward because you as a human being are responsible for whatever you say and do, I will challenge you to do more than just gripe and moan about the deadbeat siblings. Why? Cause in the end griping and moaning on a blog may or may not get you the care giving help you need. If a gripe and moan blog makes you feel better than go for it. I challenge you to not only feel better for a few minutes (which is about the life cycle of a gripe and moan) but live better because you did better than those who did nothing! YOU ARE CHOSEN! To answer your question “What capacity am I caring for someone?” I am and have been my mother’s legal guardian and conservator for 4 years. My mother has Alzheimer’s/Dementia stage 3. She lives with me. I work a 40/hr. wk. job. I came to get my mom because my other sister (the one who acted up in the hospital) mom’s DPOA had a stroke. When we finally figured out what was going on my mom had no money in the bank, several unpaid bills, etc….. The question is how could mom be broke with an over $3000/mo. Income (that’s the short version of the story)? I have 5 other brothers and sisters. They pretty much live their own lives. With two of my siblings it’s a “Hi and Bye” relationship and that’s just the way it is (some of it has to do with me being the Leg. Grd./Cons. and some of it has to do with them being that way before all this happened). Of the other 3 one lives out of town and the other two are the ones I can call on to help me. But that’s not very often (for whatever reasons). I answered your question because I believe you have a valid reason to know if I am talking like Dr. Phil or if I’m really a part of this discussion by experience. I’m in it with you baby! Now that I’ve shown you I live on Planet Earth (just like you LOL!), I will NOT gripe and moan about my deadbeat siblings. I will NOT be mad at you if you do. I WILL praise you for your strength and efforts to care for yourself and loved one! YOU DESERVE IT! I also want to know how you’re getting it done as it might be something I can try. Finally I go back to getting counseling. Try not to discount it. It sounds like talking to someone who’s been where you are is very important to you. Whatever your IQ is a good counselor will appreciate whatever you can teach them about the business of caring for your loved one (the good, the bad, and the ugly). Find a counselor that has cared for their loved one so he/she can be on the same planet you are on (lol). Consider revisiting seeking counseling. They have a lot of resources for helping you get what you need to get done. You deserve all the mental, physical, psychological, and social support you can get because caring is a HUGE job! Tired 1 of 4, I can’t wait for your response!!!! Hit me!
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Tired 1 of 4. I believe you mentioned that your loved one is low income with little to no assets. Have you heard of the WAIVER program? Check to see is there one in your state. It’s a state run program that pays for care givers to come in and help care for physically and or mentally disable persons if they qualify. They have to qualify by a limited monthly income and total assets and must be physically and/or mentally assessed by a Waiver agent to see if they qualify. In Michigan where I live we have the MI Choice Waiver Program. There are several Waiver Agents who service certain areas of our state. Check with your local Department of Human Services as the client will have to qualify for your state’s medical insurance. The services are paid for by the state. It’s an excellent program that is an excellent resources for additional care giving help. Please reply. Thanks.
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... wuz up "ziggy 123" ...couple-a-things ... what's interesting is, according to your profile info you've never written on any one else's post but mine, Why's that. So what made me so special. ...also curious, who's watching ur mom while you do your "40 hr job" .. and yeah, seems I've mention Waiver Program, what, oh, no less than 20 times.
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.... Gershun, don't worry bout it, I'm not on here to win a popularity contest or to make "virtual friends. ..and to be honest like I said 8m the one that wrote this post ... I didn't ask for advice, I actually started the comments by saying "I'm not asking for advice ...
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... and, if you both can tell (since you're both pretty interested in what I do) seems I don't comment on allot of post questions, so I'm pretty sure that supports the fact that I don't have an issue with others having their own opinion (unless it's so whacked they should be in a straight jacket, or their wasting my time giving "their uninvited advice ) but nope, other-than-that pretty sure I'm good in that dept.
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Tired 1 of 4 my sincere apologies. My last post asked you had you heard of the Waiver program. I just read through many of the beginning posts and you mentioned on 12/12/16 that mom is on the program housing waiting list for assisted livings in Nebraska through the Waiver program. You are right. You do have to wait for an opening in the AL's of your choice. Hang tight waiting for their program assistance. To the rest of the readers check out the Medicaid Waiver program in your state. It's probably one of the most comprehensive programs for low income persons with disabilities. And it's not just for the elderly. Again you have to meet the disability and income/assets qualifications. Another program almost equal to Medicaid Wavier is the PACE program. Look for one in your area. Tired 1 of 4, I again apologize for not having read the whole blog. Tired 1 of 4, please tell us some other things that you have tried that seem to be working. We want to know.
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Tired 1 of 4...P.S. You say you're not asking for advice but no good blog worthy of reading is without GOOD ADVISE! If you're not looking for some good advise to do to keep good caring going they why do you care what we are doing about our deadbeat siblings? They don't help us, we've accepted it, so most of us don't have a lot to say about them. Yes you started this blog, but you invited us to tell you what we are doing. Some of us are getting help from others to get the care done and not spending a lot of time with people who don't help us. Many of us know putting a lot of time into being angry that the siblings don't help is useless in the end. We are finding that spending the time and energy in getting it done works best for all. I deal with my un
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(sorry I pressed the enter key by accident) I deal with my un-involved siblings by taking care of myself and my mom. And that's my non-advise. LOL! Take care of yourself.
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...here ya go again... not answering my questions. you are as either stubborn as they come or you are not able to see or "hear (read) others because of how loud your own mouth (head) is;).
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... and before you type another word... "some of "us can type expression ... some of us can "feel and express those feelings without it disrupting life or the tasks at hand. I asked you who was caring for your mother while you worked your 40 hrs job... because an elderly person with dementia is not able to (and should not) be left alone... which means one of two things; either you are not a full time caregiver because someone else is caring for her while you are working or" you actually do not hold a full time job. It's either or... because a full time family (or other) live-in caregiver is not a job title as if a CNA or facility "care aid" would place on their loan application. And I asked you why, since you've created your profile only spoken on "this post.
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Tired, your situation and starting point is different from most of us. As I recall you had been living your life fairly separate from the family. You were called back into the group only to find that you were the only one willing to step-up and take care of mom. You have sacrificed personally, in your relationships and financially and they are not stepping up. You are understandably angry. Your situation includes a fairly quick turn of events. For those who never separated from their families it has occurred slowly over the course of years. Even before my parents were old and merely aged I had been asking my brothers to call and visit more often. If each of them took every other Saturday to call and just talk 5 minutes, the folks would have a weekly conversation with a son but it would only require 10 minutes a month of their time. I thought this plan would be workable, but they could not be bothered to do it. By their late 70's I was telling my brothers to spend time with mom as she would not be having the ability to remember soon. But with only 3 hour visits about 4 times a year my eldest brother thought I was exaggerating and the other one could not face it. I kept encouraging them to visit and even told them that it was their responsibility to have a relationship close enough to know what was going on in their parents life. I would not be keeping them informed.

When my folks were in their 80's, dad had a minor foot surgery, that I mentioned to my cousin. She mentioned it to eldest brother who became furious that I had not told him about it. In truth, I think he was embarrassed when a far flung relative realized that he was not involved at all in our parents life. He accused me of hoarding our parents (I was spending one night 2 times a month as they lived 2.5 hours drive away from me. And we're in their 80's). Then dad died from a staph infection related to the surgery and I took over care for my mother who had advanced in her Alzheimer's.
By the time I took over care I had been trying to get my brothers involved for 10 - 15 years. At first it was not need based but rather just because it would have meant a lot to my parents to feel their sons love. Then their were needs such as trimming bushes and getting home repairs and then the physical care needs came into play. As I recall I did have anger 10-15 years ago. But the process has been slow like water eroding a rock. It serves me no good to hang on to it for years, I haven't the energy to do all I must for mom, and hang on to the anger. There just isn't enough of me left. So, Tired, you are justified in your anger. Yours has been a far more abrupt and stunning, fist to the face introduction to this lousy situation of uninvolved siblings. Thank heavens there is you. Someday you will have to let go of the anger for your sake and your kids. But it is understandable that you are not there. You've got a lot on your plate and the people you should be able to turn to have bailed. It will take quite some time to get over that and getting over that is not the same as forgiving them. You may never forgive them. How you ultimately feel about them will reveal itself over years if not decades.

Right now finding what is best for you and your family is the priority, even if it means with no sibling involvement.
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Tire1of4, while I understand your frustrations, you will never find 2 people on here that are in your exact same situation, but I feel like I come pretty close, at least in the manner in which you get now physical noe financial help from your Deadbeat Siblings.

My husband and I have been caregiving, in our home, for 13 years, 24/7/365. We also have 4 great kids in their early 30's, but we would never put our burdens on them, as they all have full time careers, and busy lives, just ascthey are supposed to at this age! Each have offered to lend a hand now and then, and I am just getting to a place where I may take them up on it once and a while, as frankly, we are exhausted, and in need of a time out once and awhile, and wouldn't feel bad about an hour or 2.

Mu husbands siblings haven't been active in their parents lives since before my MIL passed away, and only then, it was to take advantage of any money they could swindle out of them, so since my FIL coming to live with us, any money he does have left is tucked away in CD's, to care for him,nwhen we are no longer able to, and that time is coming up quickly.

Both my husband and I are disabled, him with back problems, and me with bad knee arthritis and Fibromyalgia, to name a few.

My FIL is a Raging Narcissist. He is unbearable to live with, and it is becoming worse as he tumbles into Dementia, he also has Diabetes, Lymphoma (in the post treatment wait and watch phase), and is a frequent fall risk.

My husband does everything for him, especially since he had to give up his driving license about 5 years ago.

Nothing about this is easy! His coming to live with us has changed every facet of our lives, and in the past 3-4 years, we have been unable to leave him on his own, and in the past 1 year, we've only left him for a few 2 hour periods of time, and the last time he fell and had tears his skin, so now it's clear, we cannot even do this, no matter how much we prepare him to sit in his chair, with all accommodations, ie: fed, drinks, toileting, Remote, Phone and our number, we are talking 2 hours here! So now, and as we have been doing, we take the occasional break away from the house in turns, no longer together.

I do understand your frustrations, but I see No Way to get your Deadbeat Siblings involved, and no matter how bad things get, imo, they would probably make things even worse!

Prior to my FIL moving in 13 years ago, I, along with my 5 siblings took care of my own very ill parents to the end. We were all very much involved, so that #1 Caregiver, my eldest sister, could get thw much needed breaks and respite, and still be able to run a business out of her home, and continue to enjoy her own family. It wasn't easy, not even with the six of us, but we did it with love, patience and respect of each other's strengths and weaknesses. I was so proud of Us as a family, even our kids were involved.

In 2003/2004, both of my parents died, and my MIL died right in the middle of the 2, while my own Mom was on Hospice in my eldest sisters home.
Nomtime for grieving, as my FIL, the Narcissist that he is, felt he could not live on his own, so as our youngest was moving out, the very next weekend, my FIL moved in, and our lives have been forever changed.

Gone were vacations, time alone with each other and our kids, our Grandchildren, my own family. Dinners out, you know, Everything changed, let alone we had just gone through the dying process of 3 parents, and had had no time to grieve.

Everybody's situation is different.

I can't even imagine how hard it is, to add on top of all of this, financial difficulties! In this we are different, as all 3 of us in my home participate in the cost shares of living in our home, which is finally paid for.

In our own circumstances, 13 years is enough! We know our limitations, and have met them in managing his care, to the best of our abilities, and he needs a higher level of care, that we cannot physically and mentally manage any longer, and in these past 13 years, we are All that much older, and he is now 87 (in February) frail, falling frequently, and a buggar to deal with. Sooner or later, one of us will break, and it cannot be my husband or myself. As even though our kids are all doing great, we still very much wish to enjoy seeing them continue to do so, be involved with our Grandchildren, and live and enjoy our own retirement. We have sacrificed a lot! And to what end,nto someone who doesn't even appreciate (Ever), what we have done for him. No one can ever understand what it is like, to walk in anothers shoes, and God how I wish, that my husband's siblings participated in his declining life! Like you, I think they are Evil, but it doesn't change the way things are!

Have them arrested for abandonment? These 2 even walked away from their own kids at infancy (were talking 4 kids!), you think they might come to the aide of their own Dad? Screw them!
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Tired 1 of 4. I disagree that I have not answered your question. All of us have answered your question..."How to deal with your deadbeat adult siblings". It seems you don't like the answers. What do you want us to say? You've call us stubborn, non-caregivers (because our situation doesn't exactly match yours), loud mouth & big headed, advise givers of which you don't want, etc. What exactly do you want? What difference does it make that I've only posted on this subject. The fact is I have deadbeat sibs. too. That's what this post is about. Stop biting peoples heads off. The people who have posted after me have given the SAME information/answers I gave. You asked the question. We answered it. We put down what we've done and are doing and you chop it up and say I didn't ask for your advise yet you asked the question. My final plea to you is to get some counseling for yourself and family. People have written some sensitive and awesome comments in hopes of helping you deal with the question you posed. My posts will no longer be directed to you as you have made it clear you don't want me to type another word. My posts are directed to those who can glean from it to help them care for themselves and their loved one. Thank you for all of yours posts.
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Been there done that, God Bless You for your efforts, mom passed in 2014, till this day never a thank you. I did good for my mom, so did you. If you look real close, they are probably miserable in their own lives. Forgive yourself for being angry.
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Been there done that, Sorry, got the same sorry siblings. Mom passed 3 years ago, I know in my heart I made her life better, her last years better, forgive yourself for being angry. They don't deserve your energy. There may be help, I'm a licensed health care agent in Texas, I only deal with seniors, drop me an email, maybe I can suggest some help. Henry
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