How do I deal with resentment form my childhood to give my mother the respect she deserves as she ages?

I appreciate the input from everyone. Believe it or not reading all these answers and other posts has helped me tremendously. I am not religious, so I cannot turn to faith and am not looking to do it. I am an existentialist; and happy to be so. As far as psychiatrist/psychologist, I do not particularly like them. I don’t like doctors in general. But I have tried therapy before and did not work. I also tried 12 step groups, journaling, self-help groups, etc. Just like to lose weight, I’ve done it all, tried it all. And I am convinced that my childhood and my obesity are not mutually exclusive.

Now I guess it is just the time to resign myself to my fate. I am not the oldest, the youngest, or the favorite, but my mother has chosen me to be the one to be with. One of my sisters helps me immensely, and so is one of my brothers, even though, he is very sick himself.

I have gotten over most of the childhood crap. Our childhood was not horrid (as I have read, heard, and known of), but it was no picnic either. There was everything from physical, sexual, emotional and mental abuse of one kind or another, from one person or another (the sexual was not from either parent, thank God). But I am an adult and have gone through hell and high water to come to the point where I am at peace and content with my life.

Now, what I mean by my life is how I live my life outside of my mother living with me. But as I do believe in fate, I think all – even this – has contributed to the fact that though I hated being born, I think I will die not so bitter and disappointed as I think my mother is doing. She never had enough – strength, courage, stamina, brains – I don’t know – to give herself the life she wanted and longed for, despite the fact that she was more or less alone for the last 20 years.

I have compassion (perhaps pity) for her because of this. And perhaps it is this compassion that I have to remind myself of when she is driving me insane doing what she has done all my life. I was told I was a bitter child and adult, but now I see that we only learn what our parents teach us; but I also know that we can relearn or teach ourselves new ways.

For those that cannot find peace in the job that you are doing caring for the elder in your situation, my advice is to try to get out of it in one way or another. For those that only look for support, my thoughts are with you. Look for the help and support that you need in any way that you need – your religion, your family, this site, doctors, etc.

May the force be with you now and always.

Lilly

Hi Lilli:

It's me again. I just want you to know that I am writing again because I so identify with what you are going through. I truly believe that most important thing to remember is that God put you in this earth for a reason. We must have enough faith in Him to believe that even though we do not know what this reason/purpose is God knows what it is and He is preparing us and perfecting us so that when the time comes He will just walk us right into it. My childhood ~as I have stated more than once~ was hell as was my first marriage which was a direct extension of my years at home under my mother's roof. About 3 months after I returned here to care for her, I found myself extremely angry and full ~and I mean FULL~ of resentment and disappointment. It was so strong and so bad that for a while I thought these feelings would just take me over completely. As I have stated before, I dealt with this on my knees. Here I am a year later and although I want very, very badly for this to be over so that I can go back to my home in Virginia, I am very, very glad that I have had this opportunity of time to spend with my mother. Because of the time spent on my knees in prayer, I have overcome many of the feelings I had. I came to realize that I always, always was looking for the approval and acceptance of my mother, but through the haze of anger one day, I realized that I no longer need it. And that is not bitterness speaking. It is a realization. I also realize,d that I had a choice in this. I could either choose to be unforgiving, and spend the rest of my life filled with anger, bitterness, and resentment or I could learn to forgive and learn to let it go. Since the former was not at all appealing to me I chose the latter. This has not been an easy process, but through it all I do see God at work. In the Bible in Jeremiah 29:11 God tells us this: "For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome." I can see now (although I could not see it before) that through and because of this journey there is a healing that is taking place that probably could not have happened otherwise. I know that I will forever cherish this past year that I have had. There is something that happens when you see your once strong and uber-controlling parent become week and defenseless and dependent. They don't like it and often will take it out on you, but there is also a childlikeness there and also a deep appreciation for what you are doing for them even though they may not act like it. Sometimes their negative reaction is out of a sense of frustration over the loss of control over their own lives, sometimes it is out of fear and anxiety that they are having, sometimes it is out of guilt from the way they treated you, and sometimes it comes out of their own pain, bitterness, and disappointment of their own lives.

Believe me when I tell you that I am NOT a saint. I had many times when my mother pushed some button and I endeavored to make her pay and pay handsomely for the pain and wreckage she caused to my life. But I disliked myself so much for those times that I would find myself on my knees before going to bed and/or in the morning before starting my day asking my Heavenly Father to please forgive me, forgive her, and to please give me a forgiving heart. And I still have my moments, but the difference now is that when these moments happen I actually feel bad and then I apologize to her and she apologizes to me (something she never, ever did) and we kiss and make-up. I read recently that "Life takes a lot of time and a lot of relationship". I believe that what was meant by "a lot of relationship" is that we need a lot of relationship with God as we deal with our relationships with others.

I hope this helps you. My advice is to always, always seek God. It is alright to seek out and talk to your friends, professionals, and especially your pastor. It really is alright to do that and sometimes even necessary. But always, always seek God and keep Him in it. This is where you gain your strength. This is where you get your healing. This is how you overcome.

Stacey

At some point, we must face that our imperfect and far too often from what I read here abusive parents did their thing to us and treated us like slaves. However, if we let them do this to us as adults, then we don't have any room to complain because we have chosen to do this. As adults we can chose to let someone who is living with us or we are living with continue to verbally abuse us, threaten us, wreck a marriage, destroy relationships with children/grand children, obliterate personal finances, ruin psychological as well as physiological health and eliminate having a job like we once had after they are dead, so then what are we going to live on? Honoring one's parents does not mean making a martyr of oneself and one's own family. Neither does making sure they are safe and cared for. We are not extensions of our parents although many like my mother raised us to be and wish we would remain. It's our turn to step up to the plate of being the next generation of older people as our parents depart this world. If we have enough awareness to see that we were abused as children, the question is not will our parents now change, probably not, but the question is will we break the cycle now that we have the awareness that we have or will we blindly repeat the same mistakes?

Elliza---this is probably very difficult to do-and most understandably....I checked out some ideas for you and this is what I cam up with:

You feel resentful and angry that your freedom is gone. You work hard at your job, then rush home to take care of Mom who’s suffering from mid-stage Alzheimer’s or a bedridden illness who needs help with just about everything. It’s natural to feel anger and resentment over realizing that your life is no longer your own.

It’s also natural to feel guilty over such thoughts. We berate ourselves for being selfish, compassion less or self-centered. However, remember that this also is a natural process. Don’t beat yourself up over such thoughts. Acknowledge them. Find someone to talk to about them - close friends, a sibling, or your pastor. People will understand, so don’t judge yourself too harshly. Accept the fact that you’re human and not super-woman.

Find a local support group for caregivers of elderly parents where you can freely express your stress and frustrations and you won’t be criticized or judged for voicing such feelings. Finding an outlet for anger and resentment is the best way to face it down and overcome it

Although this is mearly a suggestio-it may be worth giving it a shot- After-all, you may find some solice in resolving the situation.

Good luck to you-and whatever happens, try to keep your cool-resentment is something you have to overlook-or turn it around, and NOT take it personally. Lastly - the past is the past--time to move on-and everyone will be a winner.

Best,
Hap

Dear Elizza, You have taken the first step. Helping out.I donot beleive in pschologist either as some stated. I went to some meetings, all they do is go back in your past and digs things up. I believe being a caregiver is one of gods gifts to be given to special people. No one has a perfect past. This web site help me out, also going to support groups ( my mom had Alzheimer's and I went to them every week, also I went out and got the book called 36 hour day. It deals with a lot of what you may going through. I am still depresses, stressout, cry. my mom was sick for some time. She knew me at the end, but no one else. she passed away late 2009 in my arms. Sometimes you have to put the past to the side and just take care of what is going on now. But remember to take care of yourself also.

I know, I can feel it physically, the pull to go back and say nothing, to pretend all is fine and not "rock the boat" !! Does it matter that the boat is sinking or that there is Plague on board ? No, just sit there and put up with the misery and don't bother anyone, sort of the abused child's mantra till they can find a way off the boat, fight their way off and realize there are worse things than a wetting in the cols ocean!

Jsomebody,

Harder? Going with the flow of how things have always gone although it hurts is much easier than. It is harder being the generation that sees it a chooses to put a stop to it and heal themselves. For one thing it brings down the wrath of the parent/parents who enslaved you into that pattern because you are refusing to dance their dance and actually have an identity of your own instead of being an extension of them which my mother did to me. So, in order to get well, you have to be willing to cause pain in the people who molded you that way, face the fact that you carry the potential for doing the same thing to others and then learn some knew tools for living so that the chain of such abuse ends with you. That is a hell of a lot of dam painful work!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have to agree. One night not too long ago my mother apologized to me for saying hurtful things to me and asked me if I would forgive her. I told her that I forgave her a long time ago. I also shared with her that the thing I have learned over the years of my life is that people speak out of their own pain and bitterness. I am guilty of this too, although moreson with her than with anyone else.

As I said before, I spend a lot of time on my knees.

Stacey

crowemagnum has it. It is us or them in that sense and as you can't change others you have to change yourself, try to see what they do before they do it and turn it off before it eats you up. They are acting out of their own pain and unsatisfied lives if not outright abuse. Very rarely, I would imagine does child abuse just pop up in one generation, usually it is a family system created by two people who had abusive or just un-healthy childhood finding each other and starting one of there own and on and on and on...
Which is harder? Being the generation that sees it a chooses to put a stop to it and heal themselves or just continuing with the sturm and drang of misery we knew and our parents knew and there parents knew and pretend this is the way it is and the way it has always been and always will be.....
Do what is best for you to be safe an healthy and whole, you deserve to be.

Jsomebody

She can't see it because it's part of what I think is her learned personality disorder and unless she wants to face herself and is willing to work hard to change, she an't!

viola1873 I agree, I too notice now and then in these frustrating minutes it is not about me, she is rerunning tapes she played with her own mother whom she had a far more difficult relationship with than I do with her, but I don't understand why she doesn't see that she is doing the same things to me, that her mother did to her? It is hard to stay aware when one is so tired and worn out it is so easy just to step back into the pattern and just go with the flow even if it is drowning us...

I hope you can find some distance I guess callaLily, there is little else unless you do forgiveness and absolution or years of therapy in a week. I mean how can it not be personal it is us our lives and family, it doesn't get more personal than that. Best Wishes and give your self the love and patience you mother is not able or willing to give to you. I am thinking of you and wishing you peace.

smdbrown

If your mother is still pushing your buttons and getting the desired response, then you have yet to get free. One important truth know about abusive people is that you didn't cause them to be that way, you can't control them nor can you fix them. The only person that you can change is yourself by choosing a healthier path to walk on with the outlook that if they choose a healthier path fine and if not fine for you're going to stay on the healthy path. In other words your mom's issues are her issues that she needs to deal with herself without you letting her draw you into her drama and thereby emotionally feed off of you.

One thing I've learned in therapy is that our parents are often the product of their own damaged family of origin. We can either stay in the pain by seeing them through the hurt child's eyes which by the way keeps empowering the pain they inflicted upon us or we can see them through our adult eyes as people who hurt others because they were hurt too. Also, once we are aware of how they emotionally hurt or enslaved us, then it's our own choice if we let them do that do us again.

CallaLilly, Bless you in dealing with this. My Mother now lives in an apartment in my home. I am still trying to figure out exactly what it is that causes the difficulty. I have some good ideas, but...
I have learned a ffew things. first, my Mother often has no idea how the things she says affect me. Just knowing that is helpful...most of the time.
Second, and I read this recently..."It's not personal>" Even our parents have agendas that are beyond our knowing. It is most difficult with one's Mother, but many of the things she says come from somewhere within her that I have no access to. Sometimes it feels like it is about me, but if I can remember that it is not, that helps.
I have also learned that she is just a terrible patient! When she feels bad, she is difficult. Sometimes I can remember one of these things and it helps.
Finally, can I recommend a product here? I drink lots of Tension Tamer tea (available at the grocery store) and listen to Gregorian chant in the car!
Care giving is difficult at best. I amcaring for my husband as well and have to balance things between the two of them . Good luck to you. There are many answers to this post, so it helps to know that we re not alone in this problem!

Hmm, was doing research recently and thought of my days with est, Ehrard Seminars Training, back in the 1970s. There was the infamous "I Got IT!" revelation that most people experienced during the two weekend ordeal, and so you worried you would be the one not to say AH HA and smack yourself on the forehead. Your question brought to mind my own ah ha, which happened between sessions, while driving on the Bay Bridge. The wording that went with it was precise...about my parents. "You are forgiven, and there's nothing to forgive!" It' like it all blew away. Gee, looking back now those 35! years, I think my three sisters are still reacting AGAINST their memories of our parents (and perceived injustices), and I sorta blew away from the whole thing. ?

As I get deeper into this caregiving quagmire (now going on 8.5 years) and sharing here on this board and elsewhere, and blogging (look up whendoesthegladstart on google) ... I am more convinced that people can have these AH HA moments, like a 2x4 to the side of the head (zen master style). However these moments can come from movies, a poem, a country song, a Beethoven quartet... and of course spiritual and religious teachings and inspiration.

Recently, I discovered that Clarissa Pinkola Estes (bestselling "Women Who Run with the Wolves" from late 1990s... 3 years on nyt bestseller list) has set up shop on Facebook, Depending on the concerns of recent commenters, she delves into her files and posts a story, poem, essay...or writes something directly. she joins in the comments and answers people directly. She wrote about how to deal with past-problematic parents. almost every post has a WOW sentence, concept or even word that makes me, at least, hear an inner THUD as a crusty old icky whatever drops from my mind. Like when I posted about my caregiving experience, she wrote encouragement and said something like "caregiving fatigue is the most noble kind," and just hearing her say that to ME made my whole spirit feel both refreshed and worthy. I'm still hearing that phrase. Noble. No one has ever called caregiving noble, unless it was about Mother Teresa...
So, just a suggestion to go see Dr. E on FB.

I Truly understand what you are going through. I am not sure my advice is helpful, outside of the necessary and have to's and keeping an eye on my grandfather, I ignore him. When my mom is home, I use ear plugs to block out both his awful music and his stupid comments and loud idiotic laughter.
When you genuinely do not like someone and have to care for them the burden is multi fold. Not that of the loved one fading before your eyes and you unable to change that but of the ongoing burden of looking after someone so very closely you wish you could maintain a distance from.
My mother is 62, it is her father I look after. she has plans to get into a nursing facility herself when she needs it, which is good, because by the time she needs me, I will be so worn out from her disregard and dislike and actual physical repulsion towards me that I doubt I would be even capable of the smallest of tasks to assist her.
There is the job people, don't treat your kids like crap and use them or abuse them and push them away and when YOU need them they will be there for you, willingly.

Hi Lilli:

I have had to deal with the same thing. My mother was physically abusive toward me from the age of 10 until I left and got married at 19. Then because physical abuse was all I knew about love, I found myself married to a man who was even worse. I finally got divorced from him after 5 years of hell. There was another horrible trauma that occured at around age 11 that I always held my mother directly responsible for. I am the only daughter of 4 children. I moved away to another state when I was around 32. I came home for visits but never lived here again until my father passed away in 1995 and then I was here for 6 months. During that period some of the same fights and arguments ensued never to be resolved. I was very, very angry even though by then I was 46. I thought I had dealt with it all when I returned here a year ago to care for my mother. Just because of the sheer irony of it, I knew that God had purposed for me to do this for my mother.

The way I dealt with it was/is on my knees. God teaches us to forgive. After all, he forgave the world for what they did to His Son, and Jesus asked Him to forgive them for they know not what they do. I came to realize that if my mother had had any clue whatever of the horrible pain and disappointment in my life with her at its root, she would never have done what she did. Some people are very selfish and live in what I call, a world of one. They seem to have no clue of their effect on those closest to them and others. I know my mother loves me, but I had to learn to leave that little girl that did not know that behind. I had to ask God to help that little girl forgive her mother and I had to ask God to heal my heart. Does the anger still come up? Yes!! Absolutely!!! Does my mother still say things that are mean or viscious? Yes!!! Do I have what I call a "knee-jerk reaction" to some of the stuff she says? Yes!! Do I like myself for some of the stuff that comes out of my mouth? No! Not very much at all. The way I deal with this is on my knees. God teaches us in the book of Hebrews, chapter 4 that we can come boldly to the throne to ask Him for mercy and grace to help us in a time of need. So that is what I do. I ask for His forgiveness for her, for me and for Him to give me mercy and grace to help me because I sure do need all of the help I can get. I have learned that His mercy levels the playing field and His grace is His love and His power that gets us through each moment of each day. Its not easy. I really, really is not easy caring for someone who hurt you who claimed to love you knowing that the reason your life is the way it is/was because of that person. It is a process.

I have found that I have been able to forgive my mother and I am able to care for her with love. We have harsh words from time to time and we actually apologize to each other. It is very important to look for the laughter ~find the laughter because laughter helps. As my mother becomes less able and more demented (she has dimentia) and more dependent I find my heart becoming more and more tender toward her.

Good luck to you, and God Bless You. You are doing a wonderful thing and God chose you to do it for a number of reasons, not the least of which is because you can ~even if you think you cannot.

Stacey

I agree that unresolved issues affect almost everything we do and if they can be addressed and understood - terrific! But I do not agree that they must
be resolved in order for us to treat our parents well, gently and with love. We can divorce those feelings and bring the good ones to our care of our parents.

I agree with N1K2R3 about seeing a professional. While you might not need meds from a psychiatrist, cognitive therapy with a liscensed clinical social worker therapist would most definitely help.

The 'only if' thought pattern only contributes to anger and depression. Your childhood might have been different but that does not automatically mean it would have been better. As a line from my poem Path Through Tragic Pain states "'What ifs' only chain us to the past.
Blame games brings healing which does not last"

It is a common thing to begin facing unresolved issues with our parent or parents as they decline. I know that I have been primarily with my mom and a good deal with my dad.

The thing about unresolved issues with our parents is that they pop up and out in ways that we are not aware of which are not always healthy in our relationships with others.

I wish you the best as you work through all of this.

I have often said that I marvel at the way medical professionals seem to be able to divorce themselves from the emotions of their patients. They do this so that they can help them and not let personal feelings get in the way of treatment.
I think Tulip has a good idea. If you have chosen the caregiving role, maybe it is best to just think of it as the humane thing to do. (btw, EVERYONE has days that the resent having to fill this role...it is normal...because caregiving is stressful and time-consuming no matter how "nice" your parents are.)
good luck
Lilli

I pretty much got over the resentment from childhood, but there is alwasy the "only if they would've" thing of hoping to have had a better childhood. I just have to deal with the new issues I've accumulated with these 2 past years my mom has been with me. But I must give credit to my sisters for helping me out, directly or indirectly because I understand my situation more by hearing about theirs. The thing is that I'm neither the oldest nor the youngest, or even her favotire, but she refuses to live with anyone else. Unfortunately, my mom got stuck in her teenage years and she definitely acts like it most of the time, and now with her getting older and sicker, she is going to the child/toddler stage fast. I'm not into dr as I have tried before and never worked; I just don't want to be vicious to my mother as she ages as she was to us as we grew up. Thanks to all of you for your feedback.

It is a difficult thing but to be perfectly honest when I had to deal with my father I found that if I thought of him as an aquaintance rather than a family member it worked best for me. It may not be the best way to come to terms (and I am sure some psychologists would love to get their hands on me) but it did allow me to forget about the past and not let it get in the way of what I had to do.

You have to make an appointment with a Psychiatrist and hash it out. In my opinion, it is the only way you are going to rid yourself of this garbage, otherwise you will carry it around with you and feel the drag for the rest of your life.

Tough situation but you deserve credit for being aware and for caring more about your mother than your resentment. You have already taken the biggest step, it seems to me.

It is doubtful the resentment can be resolved at this point. Hopefully, you can put it aside and be the person you want to be for your mother.

Good luck.