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My mom is not allowed out of bed at night. I have to get my sleep, so I told her if she wakes me up, she is out! So now she does not get out, uses her depends and pads if she has to and I get my sleep. Put a commode chair by his bed and have him use that. It is much safer if he refuses to stay in the bed.!!!
i have had people telling me i should get on antieprssion meds , but nana i dont need it cuz i need all my strength to taeke care of dad . i didnt get much sleep all week cuz he kep waking up needing to go pee . well lastnight i slept like a rock , my brain had shut down for a long time , i woke up found my dad s walker in the hall way i jumped up and then heard him hollaring , he fell in bathroom ! hurt his arm scrape his skin otherthan that hes ok . mygosh i think the next step is imgonna have to tie him to th echair !!! i dont want to do that but am gonna have to if he dont keep on trying to get up .... i just am happy and thank god hes not laid up in no hospital .
Go to the doctor now . No need to wait. I think if you are always sad and never happy might be a sign but I don't know . I cry alot but I am so happy when my son walks in the door. I think if I never had company I would die. It is when I am alone with mom for long periods at a time that I get sad. But like I said I don't know the answer.
I am on an antidepressent and also anxiety medication. I do not feel any better and I cry every day. I am too close with my Mom and this is why it is so hard for me. Yours is a good question because I feel my grief is too intense as my Mom is healthy but her aging is so hard for me. I think I love her too much. I hope we get some other advice so we can feel better.
I cry. ...and get angry, and all of that. But when do we go to the doctor and get an anti depressent. What are the signs that this is more than just being sad?
Hi Linda, I am in the same situation. Sometimes I think I'm trying too hard and later the same day, I'm not trying hard enough.It's so hard to watch mom's energy level decrease and as she gives up the hobbies she loves. One day at a time is the only way to go.
Bun, I know that this is tough to hear, but you might want to look into alternate living quarters for mom and dad. The house is too much for them and too much for you to run 2 homes. My parents would not listen to us 20 years ago when we said move!! I am now selling my 4,000 sq. foot home and going to a 55 and over because I learned from their mistake. Mom is now with us and dad is gone 4 years. She still wants to hang on to some of her useless stuff and I now have a storage unit close to where we want to move. She is coming with us, but I have already told our daughter that we will not put her through what my parents put us through. Useless brother is of no help and I and my husband are on our own when it comes to mom. DOWNSIZE I did not give her a choice- sold her house moved her out and got help from an agency so that I could have a life. The money from the sale is what we use to take care of her. Look into alternatives. You really will be happier and they will be safer for the times when you can't be there. Also, do they have a life line alert system? If not, call your local hospital and see what they recommend. It will give you more peace of mind for the times you are not there. Good luck. Linda
Hi Linda, My mom is 83, dad is 82 and they live in their home with steps, pacemakers, de-fibulators, numerous meds, and food that seems to go south in their fridge in 2 days! I live a mile away so I am the first contact at all hours. His vision and hearing is going rapidly, her hearing is too. The TV is so loud I can't believe it does not hit the Richter scale. I am trying to make you chuckle because I know that frustration. It is the worst feeling. I feel like a bad kid. When I get nuts, my kids call me KookyMom. Look into programs in your county that may be able to assist you so you can get out of the house. My parents are very leery about having people they don't know come into the house, so I am cook and maid, my son cuts the lawn, my daughter helps me with the chores and my husband does any job in their house that needs doing. I am lucky but I have to tell you sometimes when I am done dealing with them, the last thing I feel like dealing with is homework, dinner and all that stuff. I just want QUIET. But of course I can't diss my own family. I'm trying to find a balance. I never thought I would be in this situation. My parents were so happy, now they deal with agonizing pain and countless dr. appts. They don't go out much anymore. It is sad. Hang in there.
There's a severe character shortage out there. I don't know about you, but I have a very distinct line drawn in the sand. Those who step up to the line (even if being genuinely supportive and concerned long distance via phone or email and letters), and those who kick the sand in your face. There are those who do drive by social visits and count the seconds until they can be out of there. And I find that everything is an excuse. Can't leave the dogs, have to work overtime, too tired, finally get a break from work, now I'm laid off (I thought too much overtime was the reason).
This one sister in particular will not just stand on a patch of truth and say "I won't and you'll do it and do it all...and the harder you say it is the more I'll stay away...and I KNOW I'm sticking you with it even though she's my mother too. I am being CRUEL, very cruel. How do you like that? And if you can't handle it, I'll gang up with the other deadbeat sister and have Mom thrown in a nursing home." What a refreshing day that will be. No help, but at least no excuse bull. She can have a nice long talk with St. Peter when the day comes.
So, my family is sorted into the two piles and I have to get support where I can. Next door neighbors have been a godsend.
There is one facility I read about on the East coast. They have a residential elder care facility, but also a day care. They made the bold move to regroup and offer 7 pm - 7 am night care for the sundowners...it's not a sleep facility but lots of walks, activities, a chillout-massage room (stroking their heads, massaging shoulders, holding hands helps calm them without meds)...and of course some chair beds for when exhaustion does finally hit. Bus to and from home. Cost $200 night. Perhaps they even throw in shower if needed.
It would be great if more facilities used their buildings and staffs for full 24 hours, or even from 6-midnight so we could go out with normal people, well be among normal people...movie, concert.
nobody on the outside of home wants to help . when you ask them if they could come and sit with the elders they come up with excuses or says they have to be somewhere and only stay for one hr . i wish somebody could stay with dad all night long so i can get some sleep . waking up every half hr , an hr , maybe three hrs if im lucky . makes me so upset that i just now fell asleep and he wakes up screamin !!!! only way to relief ur fussiness is to put them in nursing home . again i cant do that to my dad , guess i;ll just have to be a zombie for many more days , years ??? uhhhhhhhhhhh
Ah kindred spirits I see! I still remember the nite my mom sat nekkid on the end of the bed at midnite yelling at me that I needed to vacuum the house.....I had finally had enough.....I yelled back and told her I was quitting...and she was going to a nursing home. She yelled back that I was fired. We had a few more choice words for each other and when she got her mind back and I got mine we had a good laugh about it. She still doesnt believe she did all that. Half of the problem is you hate those awful feelings of frustration and guilt. I try to hide it from my mom but she can read me like a book. Finding someone to come and stay a couple nites a week, someone that she likes and trusts and who can help her with her activities has been the best thing for both of us. I found an amazing person who likes to clean, and go figure....she vacuums! The best part of this site is finding all of you and knowing that so many others are going thru this too. Take care all....nite nite ^V^
Gosh, we could be twins. Mom can't do anything much for herself, and yes, I get really grumpy because of the constant repeating!!!!! The remote, 50% of the time she thinks it is the controls to her chair!!!!!!!! Bra, boobs too big to get them in herself, so we keep her in housecoat and nightgown as she pees on herself if we put pants on her and shoes. That is a lovely picture. But, laugh along the way to make things more bearable. At least she remembers to put the disposable underwear on ( PC term for diapers). I have to clean her after she takes her fiber!!!! Isn't she fortunate she had a daughter after she had her worthless son. But a few more years and she will be beyond living at home, so we make the best of it for now. Good luck and keep checking for the underwear!!!! Linda
I actually had a harder time the first month, year, few years, several years (now topping 7.5) than I do now. I noticed I get most annoyed when she could do something yesterday, and now can't. For instance, it's harder when she forgets to put on Poise pads and her underwear (and I catch it later, unforunately), than if I just assume she'll screw it up and stand over her...and do underwear checks occasionally.
I'm long gone with being annoyed that she can't use the remote control, but there were months when I kept explaining it, getting a simplified one, trying to have her keep track of it. explaining what UP arrow meant and what "Vol" meant. She just can't do it so I do it, and forget about trying to make her relearn it. Repeat this a dozen times a day. Some things I still expect her to know, others I've surrendered. Eventually I'll have to totally dress her, but now get annoyed if the she puts her bra on upside down.
Luckily the house is large enough so I can have my computer in kitchen den area, and she can watch tv and have her bedroom far away. The most agonizing part of this all these years was when at first she used to sit right beside me as I worked at the computer, trying to do crossword puzzles....nonstop humming and grunting. Now it's 7 months of the Habanera from Carmen...and she totally denies grunting almost every waking moment (thank goodness, it's lessening recently.) "Never, I never grunt!" ALWAYS ALWAYS grunting. "grunt grunt No I don't grunt grunt grunt."
Know how you feel!!!!!! 3 1/2 years and counting. I hire help and am very lucky that we sold mom's house to pay for her keep. You need to get away no matter what!!! Call Senior Services and see what help she qualifies for. You can get a social worker from the hospital and Visiting Nurse will come out whenever she has had a change in her medical condition. Mom fell at Christmas and we had OT,PT Visiting Nurse and a home health aide for months ! NO CHARGE!!! That was the best part. We saved so much money. Lots of programs will be refunded as of January when the new year starts. Get on the list in your county! another Linda
You could have live-in care. With live-in care, a qualified medical professional will come to your house and take care of your mother's needs for however many hours you wish.
Hope it all works out no matter what you decide. Best, jackie.
It has given me relief that I am not the only person out there that feels this way. I too am frusterated ALOT of the time. When I get frusterated, then I get short and mean, then comes the guilt afterwards. It seems to be a never ending cycle. Just as mentioned above, it is a hardship to have someone live with you. The little things make me crazy. I know my father who lives with us does not do it on purpose but there are days I end up in tears so angry and frusterated that I just want to run away. There are days that if have to repeat one more thing or watch my dad alk with food in his mouth.....uugghhh I am going to pull out all my hair. It is so hard to even have these types of conversations with people that don't have the same living arrangements and day to day responsbilities in taking care of their parents. I find that I can't express my frusterations to anyone and when you do you sound like a terrible person. I too have went to counseling because I have no one to vent to and my emotional response to all of this has me depressed and I experience panic attacks. Getting away helps for the time you are away. But as posted above, it is all still waiting there for you when you get back. I just spent a week on vacation and within 4 hours of being home, every ounce of relaxation I got from being away was quickly wiped away with reality. There are good days and then there are bad days. I just pray for more good than bad and realize there are caregivers out there that make my job look like a walk in the park. God bless you all !
My mom lost my stepdad a few months ago. We moved her from Indiana to Montana and I do relate. My mom is only 65 and yes, she is a help in many ways. But she does not drive and so I drop her off at the senior center while I go to work. Honestly, I think my mom should eventually get a place in town where she can take the bus (and I can still help her). Her and I have talked a bit about it but I am not led to tell her to move at this point (she would make enough to pay rent, and we could help). My mom probably has another 15 to 20 years before she needs help with living, so I get anger/resentfulness at times. My husband and I get no time alone now. I think my mom is afraid of living alone. Anyhow, I do love my mom and cannot imagine how hard it would be if she had Alzheimer's or something where she would be angry and forgetful of who I am. I am praying. May the Lord bless you, and yes, get away when you can. You cannot be super woman or super man. It's hard no matter how we look at it. Hope things are working okay for you. I was wondering if some of the anger i felt was normal. I believe in helping family out, just never expected at 41 to have my mom live with me the rest of my life!
You have to get away . You can't stay with her 24/7. Try to set a time every week for you . I hope you have help and someone to come watch your mom while you are away. That is the only way to stay sane.
Hi Linda My mom is 88 and I live with her. I am having a hard time seeing her age and slow down and drop things and I have to repeat my self a number of times as she refuses to see a doctor about her hearing loss. I love her with all of my heart and never expected to feel this way about her. I find myself sad, depressed, anxious and just downright unhappy because I cannot leave her now. Even when I leave the home I am anxious because I know I have to return to the same situation which will not change. I am in counseling but at this time it does not help. I have 3 brothers and one sister and no one ever calls to see how she is because I am here. I am blessed in a way because she is healthy but aging and it is hard to watch. I do pray a lot for strength because I sure need it. I feel like I am losing daily my best friend. Take care
Hi Linda I know exactly how you feel, and my 88 yr. old sister has only been with us for 18 months.....but living in the same house is a hardship, no matter how you look at it. I am getting more and more frustrated all the time with her obnoxiousness, even though I tell myself it's her disease and not her talking. It still doesn't help, and some days I just feel downright MEAN, as I do today. She was in church with me and it didn't matter. Thank God, our daughters baby sits on a weekend every other month for us, but even then my sister gives HER a problem, as she doesn't like it when we leave. Hang in there...you must get away from her, as often as possible. Support groups are very helpful, if only for an hour or two. Sometimes a new slant on things takes away a little frustration.
Take care and only one day at a time, which is what I try to tell myself every day!
You are not alone, and you shouldn't feel guilty for being overwhelmed. My wife and I have just taken in my Mom and after only one month, it is really getting to my wife. She is as close to Mom as I am, but it is so hard to have someone at our home all the time. We have no kids so it's a huge change in our privacy level.
The best thing you can do is keep talking to each other. Find time to be alone - that is just as important as caring for your mom. See if you can get family counseling through your church or temple, or through senior services. See if there is anyone else in the family who can take care of mom, even for a weekend or a week. Look into senior day care services in your area, or even a senior activity center where mom could go a couple days a week. It would be good for her to get out of the house, too, and be around other people. I'm sure it's difficult for her to be so dependent, and if she's at all like my mom, she knows she's making things harder for you, and hates being a burden.
By all means, though, use this forum to vent, or any other people you can talk to about it. Make sure you and your spouse have some time away from mom, even if it's just going to the grocery together or sneaking away for an ice cream date. If you can manage a weekend away, do it. Most importantly, do not feel guilty for having these feelings. You are only human. Remember to take care of the caregivers as much as the patient.
I understand completely. I don't want to be cranky but each time I say I won't I am cranky again. I feel terrible. I am the person that wrote is it time for a nursing home. If my husband and I are to have a halfway normal life I have to make a decision because there is no time for us.
When I retired that same month my Mom broke her hip and had a stroke. That was 3 years ago and I think that I cannot handle it anymore.
Unlike a job you don't end at 5 oclock and have saturday and sunday off. Good luck and prays to you. You are not alone.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
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I am in the same situation. Sometimes I think I'm trying too hard and later the same day, I'm not trying hard enough.It's so hard to watch mom's energy level decrease and as she gives up the hobbies she loves. One day at a time is the only way to go.
I know that this is tough to hear, but you might want to look into alternate living quarters for mom and dad. The house is too much for them and too much for you to run 2 homes. My parents would not listen to us 20 years ago when we said move!! I am now selling my 4,000 sq. foot home and going to a 55 and over because I learned from their mistake. Mom is now with us and dad is gone 4 years. She still wants to hang on to some of her useless stuff and I now have a storage unit close to where we want to move. She is coming with us, but I have already told our daughter that we will not put her through what my parents put us through. Useless brother is of no help and I and my husband are on our own when it comes to mom. DOWNSIZE I did not give her a choice- sold her house moved her out and got help from an agency so that I could have a life. The money from the sale is what we use to take care of her. Look into alternatives. You really will be happier and they will be safer for the times when you can't be there. Also, do they have a life line alert system? If not, call your local hospital and see what they recommend. It will give you more peace of mind for the times you are not there. Good luck.
Linda
My mom is 83, dad is 82 and they live in their home with steps, pacemakers, de-fibulators, numerous meds, and food that seems to go south in their fridge in 2 days! I live a mile away so I am the first contact at all hours. His vision and hearing is going rapidly, her hearing is too. The TV is so loud I can't believe it does not hit the Richter scale. I am trying to make you chuckle because I know that frustration. It is the worst feeling. I feel like a bad kid. When I get nuts, my kids call me KookyMom. Look into programs in your county that may be able to assist you so you can get out of the house. My parents are very leery about having people they don't know come into the house, so I am cook and maid, my son cuts the lawn, my daughter helps me with the chores and my husband does any job in their house that needs doing. I am lucky but I have to tell you sometimes when I am done dealing with them, the last thing I feel like dealing with is homework, dinner and all that stuff. I just want QUIET. But of course I can't diss my own family. I'm trying to find a balance. I never thought I would be in this situation. My parents were so happy, now they deal with agonizing pain and countless dr. appts. They don't go out much anymore. It is sad. Hang in there.
This one sister in particular will not just stand on a patch of truth and say "I won't and you'll do it and do it all...and the harder you say it is the more I'll stay away...and I KNOW I'm sticking you with it even though she's my mother too. I am being CRUEL, very cruel. How do you like that? And if you can't handle it, I'll gang up with the other deadbeat sister and have Mom thrown in a nursing home." What a refreshing day that will be. No help, but at least no excuse bull. She can have a nice long talk with St. Peter when the day comes.
So, my family is sorted into the two piles and I have to get support where I can. Next door neighbors have been a godsend.
There is one facility I read about on the East coast. They have a residential elder care facility, but also a day care. They made the bold move to regroup and offer 7 pm - 7 am night care for the sundowners...it's not a sleep facility but lots of walks, activities, a chillout-massage room (stroking their heads, massaging shoulders, holding hands helps calm them without meds)...and of course some chair beds for when exhaustion does finally hit. Bus to and from home. Cost $200 night. Perhaps they even throw in shower if needed.
It would be great if more facilities used their buildings and staffs for full 24 hours, or even from 6-midnight so we could go out with normal people, well be among normal people...movie, concert.
only way to relief ur fussiness is to put them in nursing home . again i cant do that to my dad , guess i;ll just have to be a zombie for many more days , years ??? uhhhhhhhhhhh
Linda
I'm long gone with being annoyed that she can't use the remote control, but there were months when I kept explaining it, getting a simplified one, trying to have her keep track of it. explaining what UP arrow meant and what "Vol" meant. She just can't do it so I do it, and forget about trying to make her relearn it. Repeat this a dozen times a day. Some things I still expect her to know, others I've surrendered. Eventually I'll have to totally dress her, but now get annoyed if the she puts her bra on upside down.
Luckily the house is large enough so I can have my computer in kitchen den area, and she can watch tv and have her bedroom far away. The most agonizing part of this all these years was when at first she used to sit right beside me as I worked at the computer, trying to do crossword puzzles....nonstop humming and grunting. Now it's 7 months of the Habanera from Carmen...and she totally denies grunting almost every waking moment (thank goodness, it's lessening recently.) "Never, I never grunt!" ALWAYS ALWAYS grunting. "grunt grunt No I don't grunt grunt grunt."
another Linda
Hope it all works out no matter what you decide.
Best,
jackie.
My mom is 88 and I live with her. I am having a hard time seeing her age and slow down and drop things and I have to repeat my self a number of times as she refuses to see a doctor about her hearing loss. I love her with all of my heart and never expected to feel this way about her. I find myself sad, depressed, anxious and just downright unhappy because I cannot leave her now. Even when I leave the home I am anxious because I know I have to return to the same situation which will not change. I am in counseling but at this time it does not help. I have 3 brothers and one sister and no one ever calls to see how she is because I am here. I am blessed in a way because she is healthy but aging and it is hard to watch. I do pray a lot for strength because I sure need it. I feel like I am losing daily my best friend.
Take care
I know exactly how you feel, and my 88 yr. old sister has only been with us for 18 months.....but living in the same house is a hardship, no matter how you look at it. I am getting more and more frustrated all the time with her obnoxiousness, even though I tell myself it's her disease and not her talking. It still doesn't help, and some days I just feel downright MEAN, as I do today. She was in church with me and it didn't matter. Thank God, our daughters baby sits on a weekend every other month for us, but even then my sister gives HER a problem, as she doesn't like it when we leave. Hang in there...you must get away from her, as often as possible. Support groups are very helpful, if only for an hour or two. Sometimes a new slant on things takes away a little frustration.
Take care and only one day at a time, which is what I try to tell myself every day!
The best thing you can do is keep talking to each other. Find time to be alone - that is just as important as caring for your mom. See if you can get family counseling through your church or temple, or through senior services. See if there is anyone else in the family who can take care of mom, even for a weekend or a week. Look into senior day care services in your area, or even a senior activity center where mom could go a couple days a week. It would be good for her to get out of the house, too, and be around other people. I'm sure it's difficult for her to be so dependent, and if she's at all like my mom, she knows she's making things harder for you, and hates being a burden.
By all means, though, use this forum to vent, or any other people you can talk to about it. Make sure you and your spouse have some time away from mom, even if it's just going to the grocery together or sneaking away for an ice cream date. If you can manage a weekend away, do it. Most importantly, do not feel guilty for having these feelings. You are only human. Remember to take care of the caregivers as much as the patient.
We are all pulling for you and each other.
Casey
When I retired that same month my Mom broke her hip and had a stroke. That was 3 years ago and I think that I cannot handle it anymore.
Unlike a job you don't end at 5 oclock and have saturday and
sunday off. Good luck and prays to you. You are not alone.
Barbara