Dealing with death...
My BIL passed away on Friday 9/11 ‘yeah, bad day all around’. He lived in a nursing home up in DE, we live in Florida. Today we ( MIL ( w/dementia), BIL (mentally retarded), hubby ( bad back) & myself) are preparing for the 1200 mile car ride, what fun!! Last minute flight would’ve cost us $2k+ One way!! and MIL refuses to fly. I did not want to take a chance of putting out that money and having her have a meltdown at the Airport. In the past 24 hours we have explain to her many, many times, that Johnny had died. Backstory: Johnny at 17 years of age was in a car accident on Christmas Day 1985. He has been in a nursing home for literally 34 years. It truly is a blessing that he has passed. Sally keeps thanking that Johnny died in the car accident. Or she completely forgets Johnny all together. I am leaving in about one hour to start this 20 hour trip, any suggestions to keep me from killing everybody in the car with me I kid, of course. But the quote “and that’s why I killed them Your Honor”, Will not hold up in court. Gotta laughter, right? Cause you cannot scream into a pillow while driving.
Laughs, tears, exhaustion, sadness and smiles. All the ingredients for a beautiful funeral
Sally sounds like she isn't even aware of Johnny anymore. In some ways that is a blessing. Maybe when you get there she will remember a little, but don't be surprised if she doesn't. We all grieve differently, and it may be that she "grieved" long before now and so not remembering him is okay. You don't say if she has memory problems in other areas, but it would be surprising if she does.
Sit back, hunker down, and be prepared. When I drove my mother to my uncle's funeral, and when I drove her to FL from NY, she chose to sleep most of the way and talk some of it. I let her do what she wanted (within reason) to make the confinement of a car more pleasant. The only thing I took control over was when we stopped because I was too tired to drive.
Letting go of the control make things easier to bear - she chose when we stopped to eat and where, and even chose the radio stations as we drove through large cities. She also controlled most of the conversation, and I let her talk about whatever was on her mind - even though I had heard it all a million times before!
Keep your sense of humor, look for the humor in all the situations you will encounter on your long journey, and hopefully all will be peaceful. If that fails, when you are the passenger pretend to sleep - that trick does a lot to keep me out of a loop I don't want to be in. I also poke silent fun at what others say - talking back in my mind...careful to keep it light and humorous so that bad feelings do not well up.
Have fun!!
Oh..and here's one for a laugh...(no need to turn to the Jokes post)
My grandfather was a lucky man. He died in his sleep.
Unfortunately, the passengers in his car at the time were not so lucky, and died screaming and yelling...
There's nothing I can add that hasn't been said except I love your humor. Should I be laughing at your situation? Maybe not, but can't help it. Thank you for your levity. You'll do well.
It will give you a break and a few hours to have some solitude and enjoy a visit with family and not have to worry about MIL
To answer your post ‘ we’re 1/2 way there, I can just drop THEM off’.
Good Luck. I won't take care trips longer than 500 miles for ANYONE. I hope the visits with loved ones make this worthwhile.
All of that said, my own perspective is not yours, or you wouldn't be doing this, and you ARE doing this. As you describe it, and as I imagine the trip, I kind of hope you will blog the whole thing to us here.
You seem very level headed about it all. If anyone can have this together--or better yet know that it cannot and will not BE together--you do. I wish you the best of luck and hope you will update us.
Perhaps you should take up writing. Take a journal with you, OK?
Thanks for your kind thoughts. I’ll do my best to update the journey
I pray that you have the best reunion ever with your grandchildren and children. I am for living in faith and not fear. Hugs go a looong way to boosting our immune systems and, well, we can't live forever but we can live in a way that makes it feel like forever and not the eternal forever that believers are looking forward too.
I used to do crossword puzzles when travelling with difficult traveling companions, it helps everyone not focus on their own discomfort or agitation.
May God bless your journey and give you travelling mercies.
All things considered-including COVID-19- you gotta pass on this one.
And then PLAN a trip to see your sons.
I have done this trip from NJ to Ocala. Two days of driving and a sleep over. Doing this with a Dementia person is not going to be easy. They don't like being out of their comfort zone. Sitting in a car for hours on end and not understanding why? And I agree with you, wouldn't even consider a plane with what people go thru now.
But you and hubby seem to want to do this. So I wish you lots of luck and patience. Angels on your bumpers.
Tell us how things go. We learn from other's experiences.
if you see this and your still traveling, have a POW wow, you’ve rethought this and are turning around.. do what Grandma 1954 post indicates
Have poor Johnny cremated and hold a Zoom service if there are others who need to attend a memorial.
And what grandma said.
Arrange a funeral...that almost no one can attend?
Why not skip the trip, arrange for a funeral home to cremate him and send the ashes to you. You can then have a celebration of his life.
There is no need to bring MIL with you and your husband with a bad back does not "need" to make the trip if it will cause him pain, discomfort and aggravation. You can easily take care of things for them
I honestly appreciate everybody’s input letting me know that there is an easier way to do this, but as I’ve stated before, I am actually looking forward to going up north and seeing my family. I just have to get through the next 20 hours. Ativan anyone?