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In response to BurntCaregiver ~

There was no "sermon" given there - I just said what I felt...Just Like You Did!

And I respectfully disagree with much of what you said...I guess that's our right! I wouldn't even know where to begin...

I don't feel Anyone should change who they are and suppress themselves to satisfy others' conservative, old-fashioned beliefs and antiquated, narrow-minded and hateful way of thinking. Knowledge is power, and the only way anyone who has an ignorant mindset can actually change is by educating themselves - to open up their world. I'm trying to understand why CaregiverBlues should accept less respect than the others in his family?? Because he shouldn't.

CaregiverBlues was treated horribly growing up and why should He have to keep his sexual identity "at home?" It's enough already. I assume you don't keep your sexual identity at home - you wear what you like and you are who you are...well, he should be given the same grace and dignity.

In your response, you are actually referring to ideals that people lived during the "1950's"....well, times have changed and thankfully it's 2021 now and I don't chose to live in the past with close-minded ways of thinking.

You stated, "These past generations also understood the value of discretion. It being the greater part of valor after all and there are times and situations where there's no need to "educate" anyone." Wow, I couldn't Disagree more - my choice. There's no real valor or value in discretion - it's only suppressing a person. Acceptance is Key. And especially after CaregiverBlues has been abused growing up.

Life is all about doing better...being better...learning more...and moving forward. :-)
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BurntCaregiver Oct 2021
Hopeforhelp22,

I agree with you about no one should have to change and suppress themselves to satisfy others. In a perfect world no one would have to. Yet, pretty much every person in the world does just this every moment of the day in one way or another.
Did you ever want to tell your boss to F-off? I certainly have over the years. We suppress our tempers because every action has a reaction. The reaction is getting fired and losing the job. As you know from the forum here, I've been an in-home caregiver for a very long time. The majority of clients on my service being elderly. Know how many times I had to suppress myself from saying and doing things that would certainly warrant such action for any person who wasn't elderly? Or how many times on a daily basis I've had to "change" who I was for a time because agreeing with the client and what they see on Fox News during the 18 hours a day they spend watching it, is the only way I can get my work done. Or the many times I've suppressed telling some elderly client repeating themselves over and over to STFU? More times than I can count.
We all suppress ourselves and temporarily "change" to get through our daily lives. If we didn't there would be no civilization and the world would fall into chaos.
It really wouldn't be such a huge sacrifice for CaregiverBlues to leave the menswear at home when visiting their elderly grandfather.
You know, sometimes it's better to be happy then to be right.
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I agree that you should be yourself if you go see your grandma -- and please only go because you WANT to go for the right reasons (you love him and miss him). I think dressing down a bit is a reasonable compromise so there are fewer "distractions" for grampa to derail his attention on during your visit. That being said, you are in a position of great influence with him (and the rest of your family)... if you are not defensive and too sensitive then you can show him you're still his loving grandchild and that your sexuality/identity doesn't change that. You would be like an ambassador for your self and partner. Then you can decide to politely leave if his treatment of you doesn't meet your standards (and please go having no expectations so that disappointment is minimized).

I would go see him alone, no other relative or partner present (all distractions) so that just you will shine through. You can choose to disclose your identity journey to him, and maybe if he understands the pain it most probably caused (and is still causing) he may soften up. The original definition of tolerance is allowing others who are very different from you to co-exist with you in peace -- it does NOT mean they have to accept your viewpoints nor do you need to accept theirs. I wish you great wisdom and much peace in your heart.
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Wow! I can't believe some of the answers. My take on life is that it is too short to contend with toxic people, whether family or acquaintances. If these people in your life are causing you that much stress, GET THEM OUT OF YOUR LIFE.
If you, truly and of your own volition, want to interact with grandpa, call him. Otherwise, ciao. Sending you a huge hug because I can't even begin to fathom the stress in your life.
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I think OP has/ had already made a decision about what to do. What comment does OP actually want?
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Most parents and grandparents love their children and grandchildren. They don't want them to be hurt or angry or confused. Most adult children want the same kind of things for their parents and grandparents. Right now there seems to be a lot of guessing and that can be confusing. Seems the only way you can get true answers about your grandfather and his feelings about you - is to meet with him and have some discussions. Be your kind, loving self and you will most likely get the same treatment. Also, remember that just because people don't see eye to eye on everything does not mean a lack of love.
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I’m confused.

Do you really wear ties 24/7 or is it about sending a message loud and clear? You can talk about your job or a vacation or a great dinner or movie or the weather instead of girl or boy activities. You can learn a few jokes or deflect a question with a generalized comment and follow with a question (Reading? nothing special. What are you reading?) Or just ask questions. People associate love with interest in their lives so it’s an easy win. You can bring a friend who’s male or female or 4-legged and not get carried away with uncomfortable antics. (E.g. Guest dog terrifying a 10 yo cat cuz dog can sniff her out… isn’t that cute?)
It’s fair to want to be called by the name you call yourself. But if Grandpa refuses, it’s flotsam in the scheme of things.

So here’s the question: what’s really going on? If it’s anger that the family doesn’t approve, are you willing to hand them the power to destroy your relationship with your grandfather? If it’s that your grandfather won’t approve, you might have to accept that and meet him halfway. But consider this: A friend once said “the more enlightened you are, the more the burden is on you to take the high road.” It gets tiresome when all you want to do is go low, but on the flip side you can take great personal pride in being enlightened.

Btw… No, there’s nothing you say the therapist said to indicate a homophobic attitude. And yes, your therapist might be 100% correct saying you can’t teach an old conservative dog any new tricks.

I hope you strive to be enlightened in spite of the aaargh that comes with it. It is really good for the inner spirit to transcend all the crap around you.
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I guess I'm "old school" gay, but I am a gay man who stayed in contact with my family. I was very close to my grandfather, who was a homophobic, racist old man who died at 98 y/o. I think he knew about my sexual identity but we still walked together and I visited him when he was in his final years. Sorry, maybe I am not relating to you as I assimilated to be more accepted by the straight community. To each his/her own. I do wish you the best.
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It sure sounds like your entire existence is based on what-ifs, not reality. If I read your post correctly, your grandfather has not even been given the opportunity to interact with the new you, but instead you cut him off cold because of what you believe his reaction would be. That's not fair, and in fact, it's mean.

Now Grandpa has been cut off through no fault of his own and has to deal with that abandonment. Why do you think that's sparing his feelings in any way? I think you're more concerned with sparing yours than his.

Now he's years behind the rest of the family in knowing and accepting who you are today, and will you hold that against him, too? When you transitioned, did everyone immediately jump on board and start calling you by your new name and never slip up?

Understand that your grandfather knows you as a girl because you haven't given him the opportunity to know you any other way. It's as though he has a photo of a 12-year-old with braces, pigtails, and glasses, and suddenly there's a full grown man in front of him saying, "Don't you know me?"

Again, not fair.

As far as the ties, whatever. Is that the hill you're going to die on -- a tie? Same goes for your family, by the way. It's not really worth discussing one way or the other.
I think you should at least give your grandfather a chance. Cross-dressing, homosexuality, or any other thing like that wasn't exactly invented yesterday. He's probably seen a lot more than you know. Don't make it all about you and go into victim mode before you even see him. If you want to live in this world, you'll have to be like the rest of us and step up and take on what life brings. Spending your life cloistered away only among people who understand you will make for a very small existence.
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Anyonymous1 Oct 2021
Harsh but fair comment. The OP could probably give him a chance and see how it goes before assuming things.
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I agree with dseag here. Your grandfather maybe more aware than the family thinks he is. He may also be more tolerant. My GFs grandaughter is now I think 10. Before she even started school she wanted her hair cut like a boys and she wears boys clothes. She is not made to feel this is unusual. Its just who she is. Her 81 year old Grandfather has no problem with it. (Actually he taught his 4 daughters they could do anything they wanted to. No, thats a man's job)

"I don't know how I could talk to grandpa, because then I'd have to say I am interested in "female" things, like dance and cooking, and not the truth, which is tools and sports."

My daughters are straight but I have not seen them dress in a dress since they were little. One goes from scrubs to jeans. The other wears jeans all day. She tends to the darker colors in her tops. Is not into bright colors. Shops in the mens section for Tshirts because womens are too "girlie". Even buys mens sneakers because womens can be too girlie. I have never sat with any man and discussed cooking and dancing. My Dad would have loved it if I had known anything about sports. Both my girls played softball. I am not even a girlie girl. When I put on a nice pair of slacks and a top my DH thinks I am dressed up. I also have not worn a dress since the 70s. When pant suits came in, that was it for dresses.

I really feel that you should have come out to ur grandfather 8 years ago. Yes, he might have been upset but he also would have gotten over it by now. Visit grandpa alone, as suggested. Dress the way you want. Talk about what you know and are comfortable with. If he asks about cooking or dancing say you have really never been interested in either. How about those Eagles though. (U can tell where I live) Never lie. Be true to yourself. What is there to lose. Look at it this way, if you had come out to grandpa 8 yrs ago you either would have not talked the last 8 years anyway or you would have had a relationship based on who you are. If you don't "come out" now you will never know if you can have a relationship or not. And the tie, thats all up to you but sometimes we all compromise to make the other person feel comfortable. Maybe, just the first time, you can not wear it, other than that, dress the way you normally do. Then the next time wear a tie.

IMO this therapist should be helping you be you. Showing you how to be comfortable with who you are. When you are comfortable with who you are, then you have confidence in yourself and people see that confidence I think they except better. I really think your therapist is wrong in their approach. Its not just you being comfortable with "who you are" but people being comfortable with "who you are". People can't be comfortable with who you are" until you are upfront about "who you are". And if they never except "who you are", then you may just have to see less of them. You should never be made to feel uncomfortable. If you are, then you walk away from the situation. Never try to justify yourself but be tolerant. I think u need a different therapist.

I grew up with a cousin who was gay and we lived in a very small town. He went to College out of State and never moved back. He found he could be himself. He is a much happier person. Has confidence in who he is and does not apologize for it, "This is me take it or leave it".
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I can tell this is really tough on you. If I was your grandparent, I would want to have a visit.

Seems like family members are thinking for the grandfather.

Most grandfathers would love an intelligent visit or letter or phone call to discuss sports, tools, the latest technology, and asking their opinion. Visit if comfortable for you, wear a tie; and be you. A well written letter is good, too.

Yes, you will get a question about relationship. It's important to that generation. Be honest: "this is my partner". If he is very old he really will get your name wrong. Try to let it go, in this case. He's old.

As the previous poster noted, your grandfather might have more perception and experience than you are lead to believe. At the same time, understand grandfather's experience ; including how close relative are influencing him, and might be part of the visit dynamics.

You are correct, just be honest.
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Show your strength of character by being honest with your family. Their feelings are not your responsibility. If they love you, they will find the way back to you. And if they don’t you will know who is in your court. You can live with it. Trust me on this. I’ve been there. Granddaddy’s feelings are not the only ones that matter. Yours matter. Be strong.
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I've purchased men's clothing for myself since age 12. I'm a well-known poster on at least three NFL boards. I hate dance, and my SO does all the cooking as I suck at it. I'm not sure what this has to do with my gender identity.

You indicate already that you won't compromise, yet now the family (who presumably knows you won't compromise) is "pushing you" to see him after dissuading you because they felt he would get upset?

My guess, the family just hopes that you show up in unisex garb, ask him about his life, his aches and pains and above all don't make a federal case out of deadnaming/pronouns and trans ideology. If he slips and calls you Mary not Marv, or calls you "she," well that's kind of to be expected if that's all he has known you as.

If that is unacceptable f2f then launch the relationship over facetime or even old school mail.
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Im LGBT but (mostly) gender conforming so my issues are not quite the same as people wont visibly notice anything different.

I didnt have issues with my grandparents because they died when I was young.

I had issues more with parents, step parents, extended family and their friends, because of homophobia and abuse. I was subjected to repeated pressure to assist with care and finances for a parent who was estranged because of homophobia and abuse. It took a lot to resist this pressure. And for the vast majority of the time I only did what I wanted to do and assisted to the extent I wanted to.

Your situation sounds like it might be a bit different in that you love and care for your grandfather. Forget about selfish or otherwise, that doesnt really seem relevant. I think its more about your relationship with your grandfather. If he is someone important to you then it is worth making some effort. If not, then it is not. That doesnt mean being gender conforming though. But, maybe its about easing the tension for both of you. It sounds like turning up your complete self will be uncomfortable for you as well. If he hasnt seen you transition. What about gradually breaking the ice. eg moderating things a bit. Starting more feminine with a first visit and then gradually changing and easing him into it.

That said, if you dont really have a good relationship with your grandfather then forget it, do whatever you want and dont visit him. But, I think it all really depends on relationships. If he has been good to you then it makes sense to be good to him. Having endured abuse and homophobia with estranged parents I felt little desire to focus on their needs and wants. But, your situation may not be like mine was.
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Maple3044 Oct 2021
Your answer was one of the nicest. I dont know why people can't just answer questions without sermons.
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You aren't providing care for your Grandpa, and you haven't seen or spoken to him for years, so why would you go and see him?

You have also said Grandpa can't accept you and will get upset by you, and you don't know how to talk to him because he would expect you to talk about certain things, so why go?

Sounds like you'd be doing Grandpa a favour and yourself by not going to see him.
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As a grandparent, I would be devastated to be cut off without explanation. The "lost phone" excuse wouldn't fly for long. I'm assuming he doesn't have dementia and every day is a new day, here. Write him a letter(a real letter, not an email) explaining your life now, trans, girlfriend, etc) . Then follow up with a phone call a few days after he receives it. You can then gage whether you can maintain a relationship going forward. A phone call is easy to end if it's not going well, just hang up and move on, the ball would be in his court. If it does go well, visit occasionally.

If he's got dementia, well even if he is accepting, he will forget by the next visit, and if not it's just an agitation. So, if you love him and just want a quick visit out of respect for that love, visit in your normal clothes,sans tie if you think that would be an issue. Make some small talk, bring photos to look at, change the subject if you don't like it like the books you read," too busy to read much right now, did you hear about xxx?. With dementia you have to live in their reality not yours. Yesterday, my mom and I talked about her day at work and what she and dad did for dinner last night. ( my dad is deceased and she hasn't worked in 20 yrs). If your relatives are an issue, visit without them there.

I guess the main thing is that to not have regrets. If he died tomorrow, would you regret not at least making the effort?
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Thank you for all your input and words of support
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I have a trans male cousin. Many years ago they were pressured into wearing female clothes for a wedding. We have discussed that this would NEVER happened again. It was painful and humiliating for them.

You say you are being “pressured” to keep in touch with your grandfather. It doesn’t sound as if you want to keep in touch??? I don’t know that it is healthy to try and maintain a healthy and positive relationship with someone of sound mind, while you are lying about yourself the whole time making yourself uncomfortable.

This is what I would say to any trans member of my family: don’t be pressured to be something you are not. Dress in clothes that make you feel comfortable. It is not selfish to wear a tie. Visit people that make you happy and don’t care about how you dress. If you feel unsafe at work, find a place that makes you feel safe. Find a new therapist. And I love you.
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Hopeforhelp22 Oct 2021
Wow - Mepowers - what you said was really Beautiful.
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