Does anyone else feel hatred toward your siblings who are free from providing care for your parents?

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Does anyone else feel hatred toward your siblings who are free from providing care for your parents?

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First, try not to fall into the "hate" category. That's not a place you want to be in. Try instead, frustrated with, annoyed with, angry at..... Hate is much harder to mend.
Second, do your siblings know your feelings? Sounds like you are fuming all alone. Have a family zoom call and lay out your requests...
Such as, Hey sis, Mom needs assistance from May 10-20. I will not be able to care for Mom at that time. Do you want to arrive the night before?--I can pick you up at the airport. Then, go on a trip.
Hey brother, Mom needs help with Spring cleaning. It would work out best if you came June 1-5.
(make it your mother's request, not yours. It's her health that needs to be cared for, not YOUR health. That discussion can come later. Dont play the blame game --you just make yourself feel worse.)
I'll let you work out the specific dates and call you on 'Tuesday' at which point you offer them phone contacts for a respite caregiver...at their cost.
Yes, they are rotten, narrow minded BUT also apparently confident in your caring for your Mother. I know, I was the caregiver and WOW was I the lucky one being with both parents---we really had an amazing love triangle going on. I was privileged to help navigate them to heaven.l

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I’ve been caring for my Mom for 10 years. I have two brothers, both local who do nothing. They actually have not visited Mom in over a year using covid as an excuse. One of them visited regularly before covid but didn’t do anything.

My Mom is at the 24 hour care can’t do anything for herself stage so it’s a lot. We have caregivers now and that is who I rely on.

My one brother who never left his house during the last year actually said to me I was playing with fire going out. Like I ever had any choice. I had to take my Mom to the hospital in the last year as well as other places. Some of us don’t have the luxury of living our own lives because we are responsible for someone else.

I feel resentment toward them, but not hatred. Most of the time I don’t think about it and I’ve accepted it. I figured if I didn’t let it go, it would be me suffering because they feel zero guilt or responsibility. Being angry and resentful only hurts me as they are unaffected by it all.

They have said if it were them, Mom would be in a facility. Period. Many people have told me to say and do things. Make demands, but I know my family and we would end up fighting and it wouldn’t change a thing. They are not going to start helping. When this is over at some point, I still want my family. In some ways, it’s easier because I don’t have to get their input or advice.

I do get overwhelmed and depressed sometimes, but I’ve also shared some really beautiful moments with my Mom that I will always cherish. She thanks me, tells me she loves me when she knows who I am, touches my face and tells me I’m beautiful, says funny things and we laugh. Those are priceless memories. So that is where I try to focus.

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I have the same feeling's towards my siblings and her siblings

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i think your feelings are 100% valid. My mom got ill and needed care and me and one of my sisters moved in with her and took care of her until she unfortunately passed. She was diagnosed with cancer as it was heartbreaking. We were so stressed but don’t regret it for a minute. We have two more sisters who live close by and acted like nothing was happening. I had so much anger and resentment towards them and to be Honest I still do., It was their loss. I am so happy I was able to be there for my mother who Cared for us our entire lives. I’m sorry that you do not have help during this stressful time. You are a wonderful daughter. I hope you were able to get the respite care you need. Take care.

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I’m 37, single , no kids, youngest of 6 siblings and I’m living the same reality as a sole provider for my elderly parents, one of which has dementia

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I am so sorry. That is no way to live your 30s, If they have any funds at all get help and go have some fun. I am old enough to be your mom. I would never get over it if my daughter (I assume you are female) were to lose out on "living" while taking care of me. No, no, no. My worst nightmare. ((Hugs))

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Focussing on you; hatred is a natural emotion. For your own sense of well-being I would love for you to find a way to feel it, understand where it comes from then to get past it. I understand - ‘overstand’ your situation. The thing is, caring is tiring, not being able to live your life the way you want is frustrating. Feeling hatred is doubly tiring, it will drain you. It will use up valuable head space and heart space. It’s like drinking a cup of poison. It will kill you, not them. Take back your head and heart space-it’s yours. When you find yourself thinking thoughts about those individuals do something for you. Read a few pages from a book, listen to an audio book if too busy or listen to music with earbuds in. If it’s late at night and you’re ruminating, write your thoughts down in a journal then put it away. Find a hobby and focus on that for the time it takes to clear your head. Just don’t go down the hatred rabbit hole. I am speaking from a place where I am sole carer but have two brothers and a sister. They do nothing and heap vitriol on me as I have finance POA (share health POA with covert narcissistic sister) and they think they should have it. I do all the things I have suggested here and it helps. I don’t hate the siblings. Actually, I don’t feel much of anything for them except occasional sadness about being part of the family. I don’t feel sorry for them, their actions are their choice and they can’t run away from that no matter what they say. This is a season, it will pass and when it does, I will have nothing more to do with them. Hooray!! I can go on in life with a clear conscience-so can you! Meanwhile, I’ll do the best I can for the prototype, my mother. She has dementia and can’t help her difficult upbringing. It’s a pity she didn’t learn from it before corrupting her other children but that ship has sailed. Being a scapegoat was and is a gift I’ll forever be grateful for. I’m in this situation and doing what I’m doing because I’m not like them. Find things to be grateful for. Be grateful (I hope you already are) that you are you. Work toward putting hatred behind you, don’t let it poison you.

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I'm in a similar situation: my 2 sisters and I have been putting our lives on hold to take care of our father. We have a brother who lives in Alaska, and I often feel a twinge of envy or resentment that he's "off the hook" for doing his share. Fortunately, he's been supportive and agreeable with all the decisions we girls
have to make. I'm sorry I don't have an answer for your situation, but I know you aren't alone.

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Same here! You end up realizing that they not only have their freedom, they also have peace of mind because their parents are well taken card of. I’ve got 2 parents & all the worries, all the stress, and my husband and I can’t live our lives. We live 70 miles away. I have 4 subs. 3 sibs live in my parents town. The 4th lives further away but not as far as I do. They do nothing but grocery shop. My husband and I are in our late 60’s/early 70’s & still work - we aren’t retired. We can’t retire because we’ve spent the last 8 years taking care of my parents & couldn’t work enough to finish building for retirement. I get so angry sometimes that I can’t even think. I don’t express that to them because they just make things worse for me. They are not good people. They justify doing nothing by blaming me - I took over everything (not true)...I decided to have them stay in their home (not true)... They weren’t asked to help (not true).... I have tried family meetings, having my mother speak with them directly, making lists of easy things to do, setting boundaries & limits, nothing works because they don’t want it to. They either say they will do things then never follow through, or they ignore me. I find that if I don’t let go of my anger it hurts me not them. They don’t care one way or the other. It’s clear they’ve dumped it all on me. They think that since I was assigned as POA and Trustee that it’s my job!! Very convenient. One sister told my mother off one day & left the family because my mother said her decisions about their Trust were hers to make. It was just a way for that sister to remove herself from having to do anything at all. This is a no win situation. My decision was to stop trying to deal with them and start making decisions on my own - doing what’s best for me, my husband, and my parents. My sibs will think what they want to think and say what they want to say about me anyway. My not speaking to them doesn’t make it easier or relieve me of any burden. But it keeps them away from me so that I don’t get verbally abused and I don’t have to hear about their vacations and other things they are doing. I’m trying to place my parents. It’s unfortunate it has to come to that. My family is simply gone now. But all that rests on my siblings conscience I guess ...if they have one.

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Boy, do I feel you. I am still in shock that it has come to this in our family but i guess it proves egos and power struggles reign! It is so so sad, though. I and my husband do what we do and have done for my parents out of kindness, not obligation. I never want to feel like a victim here and as many tell me, we are the lucky ones to have had such a rich relationship with my parents for all these years. But you have to take your needs into consideration, I’d say, put them first, like on an airplane, put your oxygen mask on first, before you can be in a healthy place to help your aging parents.
Right now, with my siblings 4 time zones away in Alaska, they are the distant relatives, never having really participated at all in the family except to take, who want to come in and tell us how to run our family. I am so filled with anger and resentment right now, but as you said, it’s on their consciences. I know the anger only eats me up so I have to work on letting go and letting my Higher Power be my guide.

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Dear Forgotten2 ~ You have every right to feel the way you do. We all send {{{{HUGS}}}} your way. My advice is to get the anger out of your system. It will eat at you and stress you out even more. I know, easier said than done. There's always, it seams, one child (usually a daughter) who takes charge. It's usually the selfless and the most competent one.

I, too, was in that situation. My sister (who lived less that 1 mile from our Mom) did zip. Wouldn't even call or visit. After our Dad died 10 years prior to our Mom, she maybe saw our Mom twice a year. TWICE A YEAR. Pathetic and pitiful. I know Mom felt hurt that she never visited or called but she never said a word. I thought my sister would feel guilty after she passed. Nope. Just went on like nothing changed. Some siblings don't want to know or do anything to assist their aging parents. As long as their care doesn't affect them, they're OK with it. I finally realized that after many YEARS of it angering me and eating me up. I realized those feelings were doing nothing to help my mental state. Once I let go of the anger and resentment, I felt much better mentally and physically. Like I said, it was easier said than done, but I made peace with my feelings.

Now, do I have a relationship with my sister? No. Not really. I don't call her. She doesn't call me. I'm okay with it. I'll send her a birthday card and Christmas card. The minimum. We live 2 miles from each other. She never calls or visits. Zero interest.

Our Mom counted on me for support and I gave it and then some. I hope she felt loved by me, my husband and our children. She was always so happy to see us. Keep your spirits up, connect with friends. It seemed like my close girlfriends were all going through the same caregiving challenges as I was. It helps to talk to others. We are here for you.

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Hey Forgotten2,

You're not wrong to have the feelings you do and you're a good daughter for wanting to take care of your mother in her old age.
Wanting and needing a bit of help with some of the caregiving is more than understandable. No one who is the only caregiver to a needy elderly person can go it alone indefinitely without getting burnout.
Your brother and sister are the ones who are wrong because they're not willing to help with anything. Even if they can't help out with hands-on care because they live out of state, they can contribute and assist in other ways. Like paying for a few hours a week of home/health care to give you a break and to help out around the house. If your siblings can afford to go on vacations and live it up, then between the two of them they can afford to pay for some homecare for your mom. If they're not willing to kick in and pay for some hired help for your mom, then you should. Pay for it out of your mother's income. Believe me it's for your own good because you need some respite yourself from being the sole caregiver.
Talk to them about it. In the meantime don't beat yourself up about whatever feelings you have. You're the one stepping up and doing the job, not your siblings.

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You are not wrong & certainly not evil! I was in the same position for 5 years by myself. It was overwhelming responsibility & constant work. I had a counselor and 2 anti-depressants to get by.

One sister at least offered emotional support & thanked me for taking care of our mother.
Nothing from the other sister.
Our mom died in Sept 2019.
I let one sister know immediately. I wrote the other one. I didn't want either at the funeral, but I wouldn't have stopped them.
So many of my friends came & that was uplifting.
I recently wrote the non supportive sister who had written me telling me how much she "loved me". I told her we really didn't have much in common & love isn't just a word, it's what you do; it's a verb.
I really don't care if I see her or not. I'm not going to worry about her or bother trying to have any meaningful dialogue with her. That ship has sailed. I'll be civil if our paths cross. But I'll never feel the same about her. And that's okay.
Remember YOUR feelings matter & be good to yourself. ❤️

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I have a sister in a similar situation but the way I look on it, is I have more memories with my mum and proud I’m there to help her as much as I can, it can be annoying so totally understand how you feel. Well done for all your hard work, you certainly are a better person than your sister or brother

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At the end of six years of my being my Alzheimer mom's primary caregiver, I begged my sister to switch one of her medicines from oral to twice yearly injection. The oral had to be taken first thing in the morning, on an empty stomach, with two big glasses of water, and mom could not lie back down for an hour which meant she had to be watched and entertained to keep her sitting up. I knew the old age home we were moving her too would not be able to follow this protocol due to the one caregiver for seven patients ratio. My mom is NOT an easy patient. My sister would not do so. She saw absolutely no reason why I could not keep going in every Sunday and giving mom her meds. When I explained that I had done so every single Sunday for six years while she, and my other sisters spent the morning at spin class, or brunching, or sleeping in, or whatever else they enjoyed and I needed to have my Sundays back. It was her turn to attend to mom if she insisted on not switching the medicines. Sister was absolutely amazed and shocked at my refusal. She kept saying that she did not understand why I couldn't just continue. I was the "only one who knew how to give the meds." I assured her that I would train her if she was intimidated and giving the meds wasn't rocket science, just boring and tedious. Sister kept insisting that she could not understand why I wouldn't continue. They all had rich full lives and couldn't possibly devote Sundays to mom and her meds. This is just a small example of how truly entitled my sisters had become. You couldn't fake her emotions. She truly was astonished that I wouldn't continue taking care of mom since the whole thing was working out so well for her and mom. It took me a long time to face up to my sisters selfishness and lack of respect or concerns for me and what my life had become as primary caregiver. It still hurts. And, yes, I have no love for them anymore. This was just one example. Multiple by 1000 and you will know the extend of the B.S. I put up with while in denial about my sisters true natures.

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yes...I feel resentful, but brother doesn't really take vacations that I know of lately. If he did, he knows better not to tell me ...he's not cut out for caregiving for his mother and he's older than me. I really have nobody else except for my private pay aide for my mother...who's taken care of her since 2016 when the falling started. I had other private pay caregivers that left to go to other jobs. My mother is now 94 and has had dementia, behavior problems, immobile, incontinent. I suppose it would be nice if he offered to pay for her care...but I haven't really asked him...if I couldn't pay for it, I would probably find other ways besides asking him for $$$$. (No ...not robbing a bank) lol.

One thing I know for sure, is hatefulness in your heart will not do you a bit of good. I believe in karma, though. God sees everything you're doing, and also everything siblings AREN'T doing.

I wouldn't even bother with them unless absolutely necessary. You have demonstrated that YOU are the dependable, responsible one. Knowing that you don't need them for anything because you can depend on yourself...One day they will get a rude awakening when they have no choice and face a situation and YOU will be the one relaxing on the beach with a nice umbrella drink...and you will tell THEM how much fun YOU'RE having!!!

So sorry for your situation...Hugs!!

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I understand, I have a sister in-law that has failed to lift a finger to help her mother after her father died. Her mother came to live with my husband and I full time, she has no clue the challenge that it is to take care of someone who is late stages dementia and now fully incontinent. I work a full time job and have to get her up in the morning work 8 hours, cook all the meals, household chores, do 100% of the toileting, bedtime routine, dressing etc...... both my husband and I have not had a weekend off in the last 4 months as we have no part time support on the weekends. If I run out to get some groceries for and hour by the time I get back my husband is on the driveway yelling at me to get in the house quickly because my mother in-law has to go to the washroom ! There is a part of me that also wanted to delay returning so that he can experience what it is like to have to take care of this aspect of things.

I am burnt out ! We recently organized moving her into long term care which should help but I am still very resentful of getting no acknowledgement or appreciation for stepping up to help her mom. I just had to deal with her having a bowel movement in her clothes and cleaning her up, she unfortunately has lost all understanding of having to go to the washroom. These are the some of the things that I want her to be grateful that I am here helping her mother with. I don't think she understands what I have sacrificed/given up to be a full time caregiver while working a full time job. My husband too is very dedicated to making sure his mom is cared for and will be visiting her everyday to make sure she is not alone and adjusting while my sister in-law lives across the country, retired playing golf........so I totally understand your feeling if jealousy while other family members are oblivious to helping.

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Oh my gosh, I feel all of your emotions!! Being a caregiver is so revealing isn't it. The selfishness and apathy from other family (I use the tern grudgingly)members is astounding. Never available, can't be bothered but heaven forbid something happens to the loved one, it's all our fault!!
I care for my Grandmother who has 4 children; one medically unable to physically assist and lives 400 miles away and another even further out of. One comes to visit about once a month at the nursing home (about once a year when she was home). The worst offender lives in our condo development, a 5 minute walk yet went 2 YEARS between visits. Completely useless. Besides me Gram also has 10 more Grandchildren and 23 great-grands. The babies, most of whom she's never met are excused but there are plenty adult ones that are absent as well. No surprise given how their parents act though.
I've finally learned to say good riddance because all that hate and resentment was so draining.

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It is complete resentment and I completely understand. Mine is with my husbands siblings. His 89 year old dad has lived with us since 2016. He is still mobile but he never leaves. They never take him out or to their houses. His has a son that lives in Bimini and I reached out to them a year ago asking that they take him if even for a week. His response was “I don’t feel comfortable, there’s not a hospital on the island.” We haven’t spoken since. Like your siblings they are busy enjoying their lives. My anger and resentment towards them and him continues to grow.

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Does anyone else feel hatred toward your siblings who are free from providing care for your parents?

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